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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Simply marvelous...

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Author Topic: Simply marvelous...
Outpatient #529
Member # 1607

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Like I said, this is simply marvelous. My bestfriend just asked me out. Normally this wouldn't be much of a problem, but my besfriend is a girl and I'm *supposed* to be straight. ::sigh:: She asked me and said it was ok if I said no, but we all know what the bestfriend really means when she says things like that. The thing is I've been feeling things for her for awhile now and just never have said anything about it, but I was so in shock when she asked, that I couldn't give her an answer. There were so many consequences to think about, like what would people at school think when they heard, especially since I've always been straight, and what would go down between us both as friends and as girlfriends. But the kicker is I wanted to say yes more than I can tell, but I was so terrified that I'd lose, regardless of what I said, that I didn't say anything at all.
Later that night (I was spending the night at her house, go figure) I almost said yes several times, but the right time didn't seem like it was ever going to come. I lost my chance. She took back her question before I could answer, and it breaks my heart to think that she thinks that I didn't say anything just because I didn't want to go out with her and was hesitant to hurt her feelings with a no.
A few short hours earlier she was saying to me, "Allison, be gay, just for the weekend. Please?" And now, quietly,"Allison, just be straight." I almost cried.
She told me later that she was mad at herself for ever even asking, and that I couldn't give her an answer if she'd never asked a question, and she hadn't since she took it back. I was now off the hook, isn't that what I'd wanted?, and if any of this ws to continue down that road, then I would be the one having to ask the questions.
I still feel kinda screwed because I don't know how she'll react if I ask her (and I want to really badly), and if I leave it at this, I'm afraid our friendship will never recover. What I mean is, is that we used to be very comfortable physically around each other (I think this might be one of the reasons why some kids at school thought we were already dating), and now we avoid even the slightest contact. I'm afraid that we'll never get that close to each other again. Conversation is strained, and it hurts more to even look at her now than it did when I was simply obsessing. She's the most beautiful person I've ever known, both inside and out, and I love her more deeply than anyone I know. I'd do or change just about anything for her, the latest and biggest thing to date being my sexual preference (which is not just for her, but something I've been considering for a long time. She just gave me the final push). She offered me what I'd been wantign for months and showed me that she liked me too, and I blew it because I was too scared to make a decision. You know what they say about hindsight...

Posts: 5 | From: Texas...maybe | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

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There has to be a reason why you are so scared to make a decision and who can blame you? It is not an easy one to make.

I suggest you take some time to just be by yourself and really think it through. WHat is it you want. When you have come to that decision, let your friend know.

In the meantime, write your friend a letter or an email telling her how you feel. Don't do anything BECAUSE of anybody. Do it because you want to.

Take some 'me' time and really ask yourself what you want. Ask yourself if you really love her or as you said if you are 'obsessing'. Gd luck.

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 100

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Well, honey, that sounds like a stinky time for all.

Fortunately, there's never just one chance to do something, when it comes to relationships and friendships. It's a tough situation -- grappling with questions like "am I bi or what?" and "do I want to have a relationship with a friend?" are tough enough taken individually.

One thing to remember is that these kinds of problems come up in same-sex *and* opposite-sex friendships. If a similar thing happened with a male friend of yours, it wouldn't necessarily make the decision any easier, you know? You'd still be taking the risk of changing, and maybe damaging, the friendship... or perhaps you'd realize that it just wasn't the right situation for you.

Another thing to remember is that a LOT of people who are straight-identified have crushes on, are interested in, and sometimes even fall in love with people of their own sex. That's actually pretty common, particularly in younger folks (like under the age of about 25 or so) -- friendships can be really intense, and the line dividing friends and loves is not always so clear or so simple to find. I'm bisexual, but I have had LOTS of crushes and even major episodes of unrequited love with regard to friends of mine. It's pretty common, really.

Making a decision whether or not you want to DO anything about the affection you feel is not the same as deciding whether you're gay or bi or straight. It's a decision about a *person* in your life, and about what you want in terms of your relationship and interactions with that individual person, and what you think is best for you.

After all, it's very possible to love someone without being lovers with them, just like it's possible to have sex with someone without loving them. It's not a one-shot deal where if you say "okay," you have to accept EVERYTHING that's possible. It's okay to say "wow, I really like and admire and feel close to this person and I would love to be able to snuggle up with her and be really intimate emotionally" but not want to be her lover or her girlfriend. It's also okay to want to be her lover or her girlfriend. And it's okay to just be friends, too. And pretty much everything in between is okay, too.

Think about it. Use your head, and follow your gut. Talk with your friend. Communication is very very important. I think you'll be okay.

Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!

Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2043

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<<In the meantime, write your friend a letter or an email telling her how you feel. Don't do anything BECAUSE of anybody. Do it because you want to.>>

I 100% agree w/this statement. I have had this huge crush on my best friend for about a year and a half but I am so extremely scared to say anything about it. But I think if she would say that to me I would say yes in a heartbeat. The way I look at it is like this...I love her more than anything in the world and it sounds like you felt the same way about your friend. If she feels the same way about you, which is what it sounds like, you two will make it work. You will put everything you can into it, to make it work. You might get into fights, but remember, they are usually there to help strenghten a relationship. But my advice, email her because that's the easiest way to express your feelings. Personally, I have a very hard time expressing the way I feel, so I usually write emails. But just tell her how you feel, because it will make you feel better inside and take so much stress of off you. Just tell her you wanted to say yes, but were scared of losing your friendship. But good luck w/everything.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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