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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS & HELPS » Staff Stuff » Did you do something stupid?

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Author Topic: Did you do something stupid?
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Goodness knows we all do sometimes, especially when something is new to us, we're just learning how to make smart choices, or we are doing things we're not ready for.

It sure sucks when we make a choice that, in hindsight -- or even at the time! -- we know or find out wasn't so smart, but it happens. A whole big lot of learning from life, alas, is learning from our mistakes.

But what we keep finding with some users is that when you do that, you're coming here asking us to make it all better, or to help you rationalize things or even somehow undo that thing, be it having sex without adequate birth control or safer sex, breaking a monogamy agreement, or getting involved with someone who was a big jerk.

And the thing is, we can't do that for you. We also can't somehow provide self-care for you you aren't providing for yourself.

Here's what we CAN do:
- We can direct you to information or help in terms of anything that can be done after the fact to do things like reduce risks, when there are such things, or help you clean up a mess made. We can give you information, if you need it, about what to do to take care of yourself when you're feeling crappy about a choice you made so you can deal.

- More to the point, what we can REALLY do is usually help you to make different choices moving forward, choices you feel better about, choices that don't involve you or someone else taking risks of things they do not want to. Most of what we are able to do here -- as is going to be the case with any sexual information or other help service -- is to provide help and information for you to make choices with in advance of you making those choices.

But please, please do not come here and ask us to make everything better for you when you did something dumb, or not-dumb, but just something that it turns out you weren't ready for, or didn't feel good about. (Again, not a judgment: I'm positive not a one of us goes through life without mucking it up at least once, and usually way more than once. I know I've only made about a million mistakes in my own over the years.)

Not only do we simply usually lack that awesome power, in a lot of ways, if and when we make a mistake, feeling how we feel afterwards is a big part of what helps us make better choices the next time around. And it's our job to help you make your own best choices, so it's actually counterproductive for us to make you feel okay about something you just really don't, because that will tend to keep you from figuring out what choices you DO feel good about, ready for, and which fit best with your aims and abilities.

This kind of thing is taking up a lot of our time and energy lately, and also is often a big part of users stomping all over sound limits we set here. It's just not a sound use of our time or yours, and it is very much not what's going to get you to figuring out how to make smart choices you feel good about, and how to reduce risks you want to reduce.

[ 07-23-2014, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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