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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS & HELPS » Staff Stuff » A little Harsh...

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Author Topic: A little Harsh...
Member # 24638

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First off let me say how much i love this site and am thankful for all the stuff everyone has helped me with on it and this isn't ment to offend anyone or be a massive complaint.

i have always loved how Heather and most everyone has not beaten around the bush when answering a question. It seems though that others have kinda taken that to an extreme though. Heres an example...
I Said:
You said you made noises but you never said directly for him to stop. Guys are never really good at taking hints lol...period. I know because i am one of those guys [Razz]
Now factor in the pleasure of sex and your talking to a brick wall unless you did as you did and pull away. Just be sure and speak up if he is doing something you don't like. If this continues then you definatley have a problem.

And got this in return from a volunteer

Airem, I don't think it's particularly wise here to make essentialisations about gender.

There may or may not have been a communication problem in the situation pinkveins described, but saying that the potential for abuse in the situated is mitigated by the gender of the person committing the abuse (that is, saying it's less likely to be abusive because he's male and therefore can't take a hint) is really not helpful. In fact, it helps to perpetuate some really unhealthy, but deeply ingrained, cultural dynamics regarding heterosexual relationships. I know you probably did not mean to do any such thing, but it's important to recognise that these sorts of generalisations are often used to conceal abusive dynamics, by suggesting that abusers are somehow not culpable for the abuses that they perpetrate.

WHEW! i got disected and sent to 50 states with appropriate postage all because i poked fun at my own gender. Wow. I know i shouldn't joke about genders in a whole because of one of my faults but dang it was a joke...hint smiley face. Aside from all that, a simple "don't joke" would have sufficed instead of a paragraph saying i unintentionally concealed an abusive dynamic.

Then theres this one not involving me, i just happen to be reading it.
As you can see this is probably just a need for correction of attitude and communication but she is told to "Get rid of him ASAP" if he doesn't comply. Now while some may agree that this would be an appropriate course of action, this is really not having much consideration for how she feels about her bf. I know if someone told me to just "get rid" of my gf over something i really wouldn't take to kindly to that in those words.

I'm sorry i sound like i'm whining it just kinda frustrates me because every time i post i'm wondering who i'm going to unintentionally offend next ya know?

As The Shadow Follows The Body, As We Think, So We Become.

Posts: 157 | From: Athens, Texas, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

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While we appreciate your concern over the advice given here, this isn't something we discuss on the boards.

Please send your concerns to Miz Scarlet at Thanks.

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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We've been having some problems accessing email due to the usual ginormous spam overflow, so I just wanted to address this here, Airem.

I know you're a good guy, and you've got a good, solid history here. But ultimately? No one should have to tell any user, especially a longtime user, that any thread where a user is asking about possible rape or sexual abuse or assault isn't a place for joshing around or making jokes at anyone's expense -- even your own -- okay?

You say someone should have just told you that, but I'd say that you should know better, we expect better, and I really don't think we should need to tell anyone that.

So, I'm going to back up beppie on this one: it was pretty inappropriate, and a joke like that in that arena really does have the capacity to enable abusive dynamics like she mentioned. This isn't about offending anyone, or about being politically correct, it's about keeping this as safe a space for everyone as possible, especially with loaded or scary topics, and I do think you know how to do that in basic ways like this without a lot of worry as to what's the right thing to say where.

Okay? Really: I think we all know you're one of the good ones, so no worries, just be more mindful of things like this.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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