Having come home for the summer after my first year of college, I am, like many returning students, irked by the restrictions of home. In particular, my parents refuse to let me have my boyfriend sleep over. I understand that lots of parents have this "No sex in my house!" attitude, but what bothers me is that my parents do not seem to understand that sleeping in the same bed is /not/ the same thing as having sex.
Perhaps this is a generational thing? Most of my friends at college slept with signifigant others at least on occasion, both couples who were sexually active and those who were not. For us, sleeping together is a matter of emotional intimacy and cuddling and bears little relationship with sexual activity.
If my parents don't want me having sex when my boyfriend sleeps over, I'm perfectly OK with that and am willing to make sure that both of us are wearing appropriate sleep attire and that my door stays open. However, they won't even discuss the matter, and honestly they insult me by refusing to answer "Why?" when I ask after they say "No" to the question "Can (my boyfriend) sleep over?" If they are so opposed, I feel that they owe me the respect to at least say, "I associate sleeping together with sex, and you are not allowed to have sex in my house."
How do other teens feel about this? Is my group of friends the exception rather than the rule on our sleeping together norms? How do other parents treat this issue?
Posts: 71 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2008
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I definitely have had the same problem as you. I love taking naps with my boyfriend. It really is about the intimacy with us too. Having someone else's heartbeat so close to yours is just comforting. Plus, partners can be like giant teddy bears (and who doesn't love teddy bears!). Unfortunately, my parents absolutely refuse to let him stay here overnight, or for me to stay over at his house. I'm 18, so I'm legally an adult. He's 17, but 18 in November. I have friends who are a little younger than me, and have been dating their partners for a LOT shorter of a time than I have (we've been dating for almost a year and 9 months now) and they're allowed to stay over at each other's places. I'm quite jealous XD
Thing is, it's really not anything we can change. My parents pay for this house, so they can make up any rule they want. Likewise, they pay for my clothes, my food, university, and a whole bunch of little things (guitar strings, makeup, shampoo, etc). Even if I start paying rent (which I want to, but my dad refuses), it's still THEIR house. As much as I don't like the rules, I have to abide by them. Unfortunately, you'll have to too unless they are willing to compromise.
I'm pretty sure it's a generational thing. My dad told me "Sleeping together in the same bed is something you do when you're married or supporting yourself." . He has the same attitude about sex (which, I disagree with. but as much as we discuss it, he fails to see my side. Oh well.)
For now, I guess you'll just have to deal with it. Just spend other time with your boyfriend, like getting up early for breakfast together!
Posts: 206 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2008
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i'm just almost 18 but my parents would disapprove of me just sleeping with my boyfriend. we couldn't imagine ever being allowed to sleep over at each other's houses. his mom would think us napping together is cute I could imagine. my mom might too idk.
however....my parents have allowed my brother and his girlfriend to stay the night here. the only thing is that she is from out of town and has nowhere else to stay other then my brother's apartment in detroit. and if he is staying at the house (which is not in detroit) then it only makes sense that she would too.
that might just be an exception. since my boyfriend wouldn't haavve to sleep over then they probably wouldn't let him.
anyway i'd just think it would be plain awkward to sleep with your boyfriend in your parent's house....not sure if i'd even want to do that xP. even though I do love sleeping next to him. any chance we get we escape for the night so that we can sleep next to each other. just like if friends are having parties and we can stay there.
ok so i guess my moms the odd one out here. she has always let me sleep over with boys and girls even after i started to take interest in them. now me and my girl friend (both 15) share a bed when she sleeps over. and it just maybe because she thinks i would anyway but i am pretty sure she just trusts me and is fine with the idea that i may have sex and if and when i do its with some one i trust and care for and am doing it for the right reasons i.e. i want to and both of us feel ready and are going to be safe about it. in the end some times a cigar is just a cigar and sleep is just sleep. i am forever really glad my mom is ok with here youngest sharing a bed and more in her house or not and that we both are comfortable talking about it otherwise i don't think that we would have a good relationship at all.
Posts: 9 | From: vancouver | Registered: Mar 2008
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I've always kind of chalked it up to bad parenting when adult allowed there children to have sleep overs with their boyfriends/ girlfriends. My parents allowed it but i never did it. I have gone to boys parents houses for vacation but i usually slept with the boys in hotels. I'm probably the only person under 30 who feels this way,
Posts: 3 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2008
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You know, I don't think my father was a poor parent in allowing people I was involved with sexually to sleep over.
I can't speak for everyone, but I know for me that really helped me to be more honest with him about my relationships (there was no sneaking around that had to be involved, no hiding birth control, and that lack of hiding also meant I had to be doubly responsible since it was all seen and known about), gave me more ways to be physically affectionate with my partners besides sex, and also gave me a much safer place to have sex than trains, cars or parking lots.
However, both my parents have also always been supportive of my having no interest in marriage, so that clearly would have been a really silly benchmark. After all, I'm pushing 40 now, bisexual, have had a couple very long-term partnerships, including the one I'm in now, and still have no interest in marriage.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Well, it's possible to fool around under the covers, and she may not like that either, thus why she won't let him sleep over.
I, personally, think it would be alright to sleep in the same bed. That's something I've always wanted to do, and it wouldn't lead to sex since I'm shy about sex... well, unless she's aggressive, but the point is that not everyone is going to demand sex simply because they are sleeping in a bed together. Most parents understand that, but deny it, and most likely try not to think about it.
I dunno if I'd have this problem. My parents let me do pretty much what I want to. My stepdad wouldn't mind if I had sex with my girlfriend (I'm single, so this is a hypothetical gf ), but my mom would. However, I doubt she'd mind anything else. I would consider that to be lucky, but I swear that I cannot meet anyone in this town. I've been here 3 years, maybe 4, and haven't dated once since then.
-------------------- "I can go without risk and feel dead, or take risks and be alive." Posts: 9 | From: Atlanta, Georgia | Registered: Oct 2008
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My mother always let me sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend whenever he came over. We didnt have a spare bedroom or anything, and he lived in a different town, so there was no real choice in the matter, but it wasn't even a question of whether we could sleep in the same bed.
However, my ex b/f's parents did not allow us to sleep in the same bed, even though they were aware my mom allowed it. I think they truly thought we'd be having sex if we did. And you know what, they were right. We would have sex in their house just to spite them. This may be disrespectful, but hey, we were proving a point, if we want to have sex in their house, there was no stopping us, and keeping us in seperate bedrooms at night was defintely not a good way to prevent it from happening, it more so encouraged it.
I would suggest talking to your mother, telling her that you are an adult, and while you respect the fact that you sleeping with a guy may be uncomfortable for her that it will enivitably happen if not now, then when u get engaged or married. If this really is a sex thing, then i suggest actually saying it to her, saying "we will not have sex under your roof, we just want to snuggle/cuddle/wake up next to eachother..." Be direct, but be respectful.
For my mom I think her attitude is more about her limits rather than limits she's trying to impose on me. She knows I'm sexually active and has never, ever tried to stop that or make me feel bad about that but knowing something is different from having to be even indirectly involved with it.
I never had partners sleep over when I lived at home (I was sexually active for about the last four years I lived with my parents) and the issue hasn't come up since I've moved out.
Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001
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I have two younger siblings, both boys, and that is the main reason I do not have any sexual partners sleep at my house. It's an awkward situation to put my parents in, to try and explain to them why it's different for me (even though I'm 21 and they are 15 and 11, respectively) and I respect that completely. A good deal of it is similar to what Jill mentioned, too; my parents would just rather not know (of course they know I am sexually active and that I'm always discreet and safe...but it's like knowing your parents have sex...there are some things you just don't think about, you know?)
I've been with the same partner for over two years, and the only time he's stayed the night is during a nasty snowstorm we had last Valentine's Day, where it snowed 2-3 inches an hour for three full days. We only live 20 minutes apart, but in those conditions, nobody wants to venture out. I respected my parents wishes, and he slept on the couch.
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