Lately I've been really scared that my mum is going to get a divorce from my dad. I don't think my parents love each other anymore. I've never seen them kiss or hug and I think the only reason the marriage has lasted is because of my brother and I.
Recently my parents having been fighting a lot. My mum had a big break-down a couple of days ago, and there was another bad fight today because my Dad didn't do what he said he would. All of this is a long story, but my dad is really messy. He leaves plates out, glasses all around the house, doesn't put away food and to add to that he's always buying these pointless things on ebay that my mother can't stand. She's says he should be spending the money on something useful. Which he says he will. and then he doesn't.
Everyday my mother works for my dad, goes to work, comes home, has to clean up the mess everyone has made, deal with the fights my brother and I get in, and then cook dinner--that is if my dad is home from the bar early enough.
I've tried to help clean up, but it's really hard to for 2 other people as well as myself and do my homework. I've tried talking to my Dad about putting away his stuff but he gives excuses like how he can't put dishes in the dishwasher because he's to stiff to bend over, or that he'll try to improve. But any improvement only lasts for a couple of days and then goes back to normal. And I've even tried asking for family counselling twice, and my mum said she would but decided that we didn't really need it when everyone was calm.
I think that my mum is carrying to much weight. She's the main bread winner, as well as a wife and a mother. All of this is so much stress, and I think it's getting to her.
I'm sorry this is so long and I know it sounds only like little things, but they've really built up. My brother and dad won't help me. What can I do?
quote:Originally posted by tainted_love: I think that my mum is carrying to much weight. She's the main bread winner, as well as a wife and a mother. All of this is so much stress, and I think it's getting to her.
First of all, I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Family stress is a major problem for many, if not all of us at some point in our lives, and it is never fun to have to experience it.
As far as your parent's relationship goes, ultimately that is just what it is...their relationship. Just as you've mentioned how you feel your mother is carrying to heavy a burden, I feel compelled to make the same call about you. It simply cannot be your burden to try and repair their relationship, that is too much work for any one person to do...and that sort of thing needs to come from within. The two of them will either work it out or let things fall apart, but having you added in the mix is a complication that could pose problems both for you and for them. I know why you're doing what you're doing...it's because you are a good person and you want things to be fine and happy again. I see that in you, and I think it's wonderful for you to care enough to want to help them. But I also realize it is not likely to do much more than add stress to your life.
Beyond that though, you're right that helping your Mom to clean up and do things around the house is a good idea. Since that doesn't involve you playing relationship therapist or making judgment calls on which parent is doing the "good" things and which is doing the "bad" things, it is a healthy way for you to try and keep things sane. I wouldn't expect that to magically make things better overnight, but it is something you can do to at least feel like you're doing your part, and I'm sure your parents would appreciate it!
The thing you'll want to try and stay away from in a situation like this is choosing sides. I know sometimes in our minds it is hard for us to keep from doing that. We may see one parent doing things we wouldn't necessarily approve of, and we may see another in a saintly light. But taking sides like that does little more than tear a family apart, and so it should be avoided at all costs. To you right now it may look like your father isn't pitching in, but unless you are with the guy twenty-four hours a day, you wouldn't really be qualified to make that judgment call even if you were entitled to do so. It's just one of those things that is best left alone, I'd say.
What I think would be a good idea as far as this post is concerned, is a transfer over to our Parents, Adults and Teens forum. I think it would be a good fit over there, and hopefully we can hear from some others who may have gone through similar experiences. So I'll send this on over there, and we can meet up again over yonder.
I wish you and your family the absolute best of luck. Take care of yourself, and let us know how things go!
Thank you so much for all your help, you've made me feel a lot better about the entire situation. I'll really try to follow your advice in the future!
Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you're not totally alone in this. My parents are in the middle of a very messy divorce and my mom is getting remarried, so I know how you feel. It can be sooooo hard some times to keep yourself together when it feels like your whole world is crashing down at your feet. Please realize, like BruinDan said, that this is NOT AT ALL your fault. It's not your responsibility to keep your parents together. There is no way anyone other than the two partners can keep a marriage together.
Also, divorce isn't the end of the world. It's not something anyone ever wants to come to grips with, but in this flawed world it happens. No matter how the situation with your parents turns out, they both love you and want the best for you even if they have a hard time showing it. In an ideal world, no one would ever say a cross word to anyone else, but we're all human, and sometimes things just don't work.
Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling? Maybe a school councilor of therapist? If you haven’t, I suggest that you do. Just telling someone what's going on will take a lot of weight off your shoulders.
My parents recently got divorced in March. It was honestly the best thing for them. My mother literally wasn't talking; she was mentally breaking down and my siblings and I all knew she was having problems but wouldn't tell us why. She was unemployed (we had moved to a new area a year before. for a while she had a substitute teaching job but then the actual teacher came back) and very depressed. My father has clinical depression and had been on the wrong medication for the past four years, and it was starting to show. To put aside small details, we left September 8, 2001, the day after my brother's birthday, with the police holding my father back at the house as we fled to my grandmother's house an hour and a half away.
They went through a brutal divorce that finally ended this March. It was the best thing for them. You could feel the relief lifted off my mom's shoulders even as we drove down the highway that September night. She now has a personality and a zest for life and is getting married this summer to someone who is awesome and totally right for all of us. It was best for all of us, though I ended up a little screwed up...but we're not here to talk about that.
What I'm trying to say is that it is probably best if everyone feels negative about the situation. Depending on your maturity, it should be okay if your parents talk to you about their problems because they need therapy too. Just stay cool and don't let them try to brainwash you. (My dad tries that.) He keeps trying to buy us and tell us to come live with him. Just go with whoever you think is safer. Know that there are other people out there who share your problem, and having divorced parents is not different or weird. Bye!!
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