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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Parents, Adults and Teens » Help With Mom and Door

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Author Topic: Help With Mom and Door
coolestdesignz
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Today I talked with my mother about my bedroom door and girls. She knows from the past that I have no intentions of having sex until I have the sort of life where I could reponsibly deal with some of it's consequences.

She said "I will not allow you to have a female friend in your room with the door shut or neither me nor Brian (that's my step-dad) being there. I know you are a responsible young man, however having a girl in your room with the door closed is looked down upon in our society, and probably the parents of your 'friend'."

Is she just trying to place her own beliefs on top of others? Or is this really what she thinks? Either way, how should I convince her to let me have some privacy? By the way, my mom at first, thought scarleteen.com was a porn site when I mentioned it while she was stumbling through giving me "a talk".

*NOTE*
Please don't tell me that I should have added this to an existing topic. I already considered this and decided not to because none of the other topics had advice on how to get what you want. All they have are opinions.


Posts: 203 | From: Laguna Niguel, CA, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Well, ultimately, your it's your parent's house, and they are allowed to set rules. maybe she's trying to soften things by saying that other people agree with her in that it is inappropriate to shut the door. or it could be she's really hung up on keeping up appearances,

but whatever the case, she does get to set the rules. if you want her to change them, it's going to take a lot of talking. Sit her down and ask her specifically about how you can have some privacy, and what you want to do with that privacy. if she doesn't cave in, you have to accept it till you move out on your own and can make your own rules about your house.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Anita18
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Yup, the only way you can get what you want is talk with your mom. And when she still says no, you really just have to live with it, cause she is your mom and provides you with shelter and all that good stuff.

I can see where she's going with this though, because sometimes you just don't want the liability of other parents freaking out and stepping in. I'm not saying that everyone looks at a closed room with a male and female inside and assumes they must be having sex, but there are people out there who do and those people might include the involved girl's parents. And that might or might not be cool with them, depending on what their own values and beliefs are. So yeah, it could be just about keeping appearances, as trivial as it seems. However, it would be good to respect your mom's wishes and to wait until you move out before you start doing whatever you want to do. Then, you won't really be a liability to your parents anymore.

And yes, I think it's dumb that everyone thinks there must be ulterior motives to a teenage couple seeking privacy. I tell my friends that my bf and I sleep in the same bed all the time, and they immediately assume we've having wild monkey sex when we're simply NOT. I certainly don't dare to tell my own mom - she's dubious about having me live with a guy (who's the friend of a gal I trust) who isn't my bf over the summer, and it's like, "I'm not even going to be dating him, so why would I let him try anything?"


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coolestdesignz
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My question now is, why does she think I must be interested in having sex because you read and go on that scarlet-teen site.

I feel so misunderstood. It's like being called a geek because you read Slashdot.org. Oh, wait, then you are a geek.


Posts: 203 | From: Laguna Niguel, CA, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by coolestdesignz:
My question now is, why does she think I must be interested in having sex because you read and go on that scarlet-teen site.

Well, deep down many of us are interested in sex. It's human nature, you know.

She thinks that for the same reason people usually think things. They see (a) and jump to (b) as the most logical conclusion. With this being a site based on sex ed, of course she'd think that you'd be interested in sex! If I walked in on my son and found him on airliners.net, for example, I'd say he'd have a hankering for airplanes.

Either way, I wouldn't worry about it. It seems pretty common for parents not to want their children behind closed doors with members of their preferred sex. I don't know anyone who didn't have that rule shoved down their throats during their teens. Chances are, when you play by the rules for a while and prove you are trustworthy, the rules may lesson somewhat. Give that a shot.

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¡Siendo padrote no es cil!


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nmcowgirl87
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quote:
Originally posted by BruinDan:
Chances are, when you play by the rules for a while and prove you are trustworthy, the rules may lesson somewhat. Give that a shot.

I totally agree! The best way to get you parents to give you more responsibility (and having a girl in you room IS a HUGE responsibility) is to prove to them that you can handle it. They may never be totally comfortable with the idea, but at least if they come to realize that you aren’t doing anything sexual they may loosen up a bit.

It also may or may not help to remind your parents that if your going to have sex with this girl you probably wouldn't do it at home! I mean, why bother when there are other places that are so much more convenient? I wouldn't use this tactic though unless you're sure that it won't backfire and cause your parents to forbid you from seeing her at all

Ok, that's my two cents worth!
XOXOX,
Tab

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Posts: 64 | From: Carlsbad, NM USA | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
coolestdesignz
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Well, I talked to my mom. She says she's glad that I'm being so open with her on the subject. So on, and so forth.

Now, she's not even sure she want's me dating (although she may be more lenient in groups, I don't know why seeing as groups tend to split into couples as the evening progresses). Her reason, I didn't date until I was in the tenth grade? Why do you need to right now (I'm 14)? I told her that although that was what she decided to do for herself, that wasn't necessarily what I wanted to do. Now, she is at best skeptical. All this happened from simply asking why I couldn't have my door shut.

I'M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!!!

I'd also like to thank every one who has replied and those who have replied. You guys are giving me so much to use in defence on myself here. I can't possibly say how much I appreciate it.

By the way: Bruindan, of course I'm interested in sex and all activities therein. Yeah, it's human. I already told her that I was and that I had "no interest in intercourse anytime soon." She said, "But, it's so easy for things like that to progress even if you may not want it to."

It's like she's trying to protect me using her own personal observations and experiences as some sort of solid, proven, truth.

[This message has been edited by coolestdesignz (edited 05-12-2004).]


Posts: 203 | From: Laguna Niguel, CA, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bobolink
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Please don't automatically discount your mother's personal observations and experiences. We sometimes get the notion that our parents know nothing about sex. But you're here, aren't you?

The late Douglas Adams (author of the "Hitchhiker's Guide") made a very apropo comment in his book "Last Chance to See":

quote:
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

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We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein

[This message has been edited by Bobolink (edited 05-13-2004).]


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coolestdesignz
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I was in no way discounting my mother's observations and experiences. I was simply stating them to not be the absolute, cold, hard, vicious, etc. truth. I don't however, take them as meaningless. I know that she does have more experiences, and that possibly, those experiences mean something. However, I want to make my own mistakes.

I came to this site to learn. I want to keep myself from making the mistakes of others. I still wish to learn from my own experiences.

I was referred to this site by a friend, btw.

[This message has been edited by coolestdesignz (edited 05-13-2004).]


Posts: 203 | From: Laguna Niguel, CA, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
coolestdesignz
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Well, for starters, I just found out that the complete reason (according to her) for not allowing my to close my door and not wanting me to date until I am 16 (although I did get her to cave on the dating problem her using a rather creative argument that I guess I'll share if someone else needs help) is: <insert drumroll here>... "nobody else lets their teens do it!" I responded by showing her some of the posts here from the past from parents saying why they allow their teens privacy (aka: closed door). She is now a she-dragon on a rampage because she was just proved wrong (in that no one else allows closed doors; and she hates it when she's proved wrong). I think I'm screwed.

I also talked to my dad (doesn't really care what I do with a girl as long as I'm safe about it), he said that the reason she won't let me close my door is that she doesn't know these girls and that for all she knows one of them could go nuts and claim that something happened (even if nothing did, and with my attitude to sex, nothing would) and the legal fees would be enormous. Is this a possibility, 'cause it's the only reason I've heard that make any sense.

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1.) Knock Knock?
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Posts: 203 | From: Laguna Niguel, CA, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Anita18
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Hmmm, I'm not sure exactly. As a parent herself who's had plenty of chices in raising you, she must have been aware (to some degree) that parents raise their children differently. Some will allow their children's SO's to sleep over when they're your age, whie others won't let their children out of the house. I think she must be angry because you're insinuiating that she's a bad parent because she doesn't allow you to do what other parents allow their children to do. You're questioning her method of parenting, and I think any parent would be a little bit offended at that if their mature children (who can make choices of their own) suddenly started to question their authority.

What your dad makes complete sense to me, and I would be surprised if that wasn't one of the genuine reasons why your mom won't allow you to do it. She might think that you wouldn't understand if she mentioned it. Trying to shelter you from the thought that there are crazy people out there in the world who will do anything to insure their own reputation. Liability is certainly an issue that needs to be thought about nowadays.

Those are just some thoughts of mine. I'm not your mom, so I definitely can't be sure that's what she thinks, but those are some thoughts coming from a sympathetic teen..


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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by coolestdesignz:
Is this a possibility, 'cause it's the only reason I've heard that make any sense.


This is absolutely a possibility, among others.

You know, while I can understand how frustrating it is to be in your position (hey, we've all been there at some point), I really think you are missing a very large and serious point here. You live in your parents' house. You are fourteen years old. They are legally responsible for everything you do, and everything that happens to you. As a result, they set the tone and they make the rules.

Yes, I know. Some parents do let their chidren close doors, some people let their kids run wild at all hours of the day and night, and some parents aren't even around. But yours are. And the rules set forth by your parents are the rules you must abide by in exchange for their providing you with food, clothing, and shelter. (Remember, some kids don't even get that.)

If I sound harsh, it is not by intent. If I sound blunt, it is. Because when you get right down to it, playing lawyer with your parents is probably not a smart idea. This should not be about proving your mother wrong, things like that will serve only to harden her resolve. The only way you are going to be able to affect some real change in the way your parents see you is by acting in a mature fashion and proving how trustworthy you are. This is not accomplished by confronting your mom with evidence that runs contrary to her views, but rather by following her rules and proving you can be trusted with such things.

The bottom line is that you're probably not going to win this one. Parents rarely see things the same way we do, but we are often just as guilty of failing to see and understand where our parents are coming from. Not being able to close a door behind you is not the be-all and end-all of your young life, and you'll be past this hurdle before you even know it. It just takes a little patience, and the ability to work with your parents and not against them. Once you've mastered that art, you will do just fine.

------------------
BruinDan, "Code Four, Baby," PHOM

¡Siendo padrote no es cil!


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coolestdesignz
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Wow, thanks. That really makes sense. I'll try that.
Posts: 203 | From: Laguna Niguel, CA, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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