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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Parents, Adults and Teens » Parents...Abusive in too many ways

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Author Topic: Parents...Abusive in too many ways
blondie17
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Ever since I have shown interest in parties, friends, and boys my parents have gone nazi on me. They seem to have this massive control issue with me.... I get grounded for anything and everything...Ive treid everything 2. I tried just defying their wishes, got in trouble. tried being honest with the, got grounded. tried helping out more around the house to earn trust and all that, got grounded. The only time we get along is when i neglect my social life and sit around with them doing nothing!!! I used 2 love spending time with my family but now i cant without them putting me down and makin me feel bad. I try not to make them angry cuz when my dad does he ... hits me... and then i have to come up with excuses when my friends ask where i got that bruise etc. and im sick of tellin my friends i cant come out for wutever reason...i recently just wrote my parents my 3 page letter explaining my feelings and how they make me feel.. it wasnt a guilt trip or anything i just needed them to understand and they dont listen to me when i talk i thought theyd listen on paper.... but they are still treating me like absoloutly nothing....help!

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~BlOnDiE~


Posts: 60 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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Just as a warning, the first link's graphic but relevant. Proceed with caution, should you choose to.

This is child abuse. This is what the real Nazis did. If you'd like to know more, one of our moderators lost a great deal of his mother's family to them, I'm sure he'd be able to tell you about it.


Here's
some info on reporting child abuse. P'raps thats what you were really meaning to ask for.


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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF

'What has the rest of you been doing while your hand has been playing Atari?'

[This message has been edited by Milke (edited 06-01-2003).]


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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quote:
I try not to make them angry cuz when my dad does he ... hits me... and then i have to come up with excuses when my friends ask where i got that bruise etc.

If your dad is hitting you, then you may have a case for saying that you're being physically abused. Whether it would legally be considered child abuse or not depends on the laws in your area and possibly on how much he is hitting you.

I believe that at the moment Canadian law allows parents to hit their children as long as it's considered to be "correction" rather than abuse, although where the line gets drawn is not very clear, and if you're spending a lot of time with visible bruises, that line may be being pushed.

However, grounding you and putting you down is not legally considered abuse anywhere. It may be emotionally hurtful and frustrating - but it isn't child abuse.


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blue_gal
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Miike,

Yes those pictures are disturbing and your rightly true about that being abuse and what Hitler had done.
My grandfather is polish and had to work for Hitler in the concentration camps, so yea i have family members that have a lot to do with it too, and how it has messed his life up forever.

~Blue_Gal


Posts: 35 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
guynamedthomas
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damn that makes me so mad hearing about abuse. i am so lucky that i did not go through that when i was younger. i know this isnt "fact" but i listen to loveline quite a bit when going to bed and when people call in and have a problem about being abused later in life. the first question they ask is what happened when they were younger. 9 times out of 10 they will say they were abused. it is really pathetic how people abuse others.

from my view, you should definately go see a psychologist and begin talking to him about your situation. treatment for this type of abuse is very much needed for most people to go on living a normal life. also he may be able to advise you a little more than we can after he understands your situation


Posts: 97 | From: atlanta, ga | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lovemeleaveme
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What's *really* sad is how kids who are abused end up becoming so...desensitized to it, in a way. If your dad is hitting you in the non-"corrective" way that he seems to be, you *need* to tell someone--counselor, local authorities, trusted teacher/adult. Depending on how frequent and how severe it is, you may find it beneficial/necessary to get out of your house to to youth shelter of some sort...but you need help, both legally and emotionally.

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[bJordanien Herz[/b]

"Each of us is an angel with one wing. We can only fly by embracing one another."


Posts: 9 | From: Cypress, CA | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SladesAngel
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Well, I kinda know what you going through because when I was younger my parents tend to put me down and lock down on me. But as time goes by they notice that no matter the grounding I wouldn't listen to them anymore so they decided to talk to me instead. Then we started to understand each other. I am not saying that you should sit and take that because it is not right. But what I am saying is that if you think that what they are doing is wrong its not. Its just the way they come about doing it. Try to use a third person to get through to them if they won't listen to you. Use someone they are close to or someone you know they'll trust. Good Luck..

[This message has been edited by SladesAngel (edited 06-23-2003).]


Posts: 9 | From: Miami, fl, 33161 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
anjulie
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Hey Logic_Grrl,

It brought back a lot of pain when you said being grounded or putting down is "JUST EMOTIONALLY HURTFUL"

If you deny Blondie's EMOTIONAL ABUSE, she will know that physical abuse is wrong and gets support. She may not realize that if she grows up and finds herself in an emotionally abusive relationship, she might just ignoor what is emotionally abusive.

Do you know that emotional abuse is what leads to physical abuse. I know the law could care less about emotional abuse, but we as helpers should.

A psychological fact about abuse. If a parent keeps a child inside a house for too long - in america it is called false imprisonment. If a child can not see other friends it is abuse. If a parent puts down the will of a child it is abuse.

Emotional abuse counts and must be adressed.


Posts: 10 | From: Boulder | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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We appreciate your position, but there's really no need to get preachy here.

Emotional abuse is certainly no good, but I think there is a wide variance in degree. If you're talking about someone confining somebody indoors and belittling them for weeks on end and without cause, you're talking about emotional abuse that is a serious and insidious problem. But if we're talking about someone who is grounded for failing to follow reasonable rules that are set forth by reasonable parents as it appears in this case, we've got something different altogether. And we need to recognize that difference. Imposing basic non-physical forms of punishment is an important part of child-rearing. And while there is certainly never any call for physical violence, verbal reprimands or short-term groundings can be useful tools for parents to employ in attempts to get their message across. I doubt you'd find a soul on this board who didn't have some sort of punishment as a youth, and so long as it does not get out of hand, I see no problem with it.

The problem I do see is when everything becomes a syndrome. Punishment becomes emotional abuse. Grounding becomes false arrest. Verbal reprimands become verbal abuse. And so on and so forth. I know what you're trying to get at, and we all appreciate the fact that emotional abuse can definitely have long-term effects...but sometimes we need to call a spade a spade. And in doing so, we need to be sure we respect the different degrees involved. Blanketing every form of parental punishment as abuse does a great disservice to us all, both minimizing the plight of children who are certifably abused by their parents, and by making that verifiable abuse harder to spot by contrast.

If you are going to suggest that keeping a child inside for too long is false arrest, I might suggest you look up the rest of the elements of that crime. If you intend to suggest that denying your children a visit or two from friends as a form of punishment is abuse, I might suggest you rethink that. And if you mean to suggest that putting down the will of a child who may be misbehaving is abuse, I fear for your safety when your children are born.

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BruinDan, "Number Three," FHOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.


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anjulie
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But if we're talking about someone who is grounded for failing to follow reasonable rules that are set forth by reasonable parents as it appears in this case, we've got something different altogether.
*** How in the world do you know if they are resonable parents with resonable rules. For god sakes they did hit her.

. Imposing basic non-physical forms of punishment is an important part of child-rearing.
*** So basically you are saying one form of abuse is ok over another form of abuse. Sorry, but that is twisted.

I doubt you'd find a soul on this board who didn't have some sort of punishment as a youth, and so long as it does not get out of hand, I see no problem with it.
** Punishment is never the answer, communication, tolerence of your child's needs are important, and discussions on how to make a responcible child are important. Punishment as a way to correct or implement an idea in the long run is ineffective.

If you are going to suggest that keeping a child inside for too long is false arrest, I might suggest you look up the rest of the elements of that crime.
**** It is a known fact of emotional abuse that if a parent is to make hostile conditions where the child must come home from school and is not allowed out of the house untill the very next day when school starts that is abuse. IF a parent deneys a child social interaction, that is abuse.

And if you mean to suggest that putting down the will of a child who may be misbehaving is abuse, I fear for your safety when your children are born.
*** I don't appreciate what you are implying about my future family. I thought we don't VERBALLY insult people in such a mannor on this site. That comment is emotionally hurting me right now. Also how do you know if Blondie is the one misbehaving, that is an assumption.


Posts: 10 | From: Boulder | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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anjulie, please take your complaints to email. you can contact boardmom@scarleteen.com if you've got issues, or you can take it up with BruinDan himself (his email link is in the Relationships forum).

but I gotta say I agree with Danny and disagree with you. Discipline is important in raising children properly, and that includes setting and enforcing boundaries. Enforcing a boundary (like a curfew or a dress code) can include punishments like grounding, restricting phone time, witholding an allowance and the like. Each of these is hardly "abusive" and in a whole lot of cases, plenty effective. Moreover, grounding does not tend to restrict social interaction during school hours (during which, there is much interacting), it is not the same as being locked in a basement away from sunlight (clearly a form of abuse). Just because a parent denies their child social interaction in the form of a party on Friday night does not mean they are abusing the kid.

quote:
If a parent puts down the will of a child it is abuse.


and if that child's will is to run into the street during heavy traffic, then not putting down that child's will is called neglect and child endangerment.

quote:
Punishment is never the answer, communication, tolerence[sic] of your child's needs are important, and discussions on how to make a responcible[sic] child are important.

Never is a very strong word. There is such thing as being tolerant of a child's needs (food, clothing, shelter, encouragement), but it is entirely something else to be a complete pushover. Sometimes, it is faster and more effective to say "time out!" and put the kid in a corner before he continues to willfully attack the pets.

What bothers me about your comments, anjulie, is that I feel they trivialize real abuses that are inflicted on children everyday around the world.

With all that said, do I doubt something's wrong with Blondie's living arrangement? No. Her parents should not hit her. But she should also not sneak around if she wants to win her folks over; her best bet is to stay on her absolute best behavior, and should she seriously be in an abusive situation, she should not hesitate to tell a teacher or social worker.

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mundi faece repletum


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anjulie
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But if we're talking about someone who is grounded for failing to follow reasonable rules that are set forth by reasonable parents as it appears in this case, we've got something different altogether.
*** How in the world do you know if they are resonable parents with resonable rules. For god sakes they did hit her.

. Imposing basic non-physical forms of punishment is an important part of child-rearing.
*** So basically you are saying one form of abuse is ok over another form of abuse. Sorry, but that is twisted.

I doubt you'd find a soul on this board who didn't have some sort of punishment as a youth, and so long as it does not get out of hand, I see no problem with it.
** Punishment is never the answer, communication, tolerence of your child's needs are important, and discussions on how to make a responcible child are important. Punishment as a way to correct or implement an idea in the long run is ineffective.

If you are going to suggest that keeping a child inside for too long is false arrest, I might suggest you look up the rest of the elements of that crime.
**** It is a known fact of emotional abuse that if a parent is to make hostile conditions where the child must come home from school and is not allowed out of the house untill the very next day when school starts that is abuse. IF a parent deneys a child social interaction, that is abuse.

And if you mean to suggest that putting down the will of a child who may be misbehaving is abuse, I fear for your safety when your children are born.
*** I don't appreciate what you are implying about my future family. I thought we don't VERBALLY insult people in such a mannor on this site. That comment is emotionally hurting me right now. Also how do you know if Blondie is the one misbehaving, that is an assumption.


Posts: 10 | From: Boulder | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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Don't. Double. Post. Especially the same thing in the same thread. There's just no point, and it's a waste of bandwidth.

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, DNFTF

Ask me, I won't say no, how could I?


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logic_grrl
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Actually, I'm not a particularly big fan of punishment of any sort in dealing with children. I think it's often the least effective option and the last resort.

However, that doesn't mean that I think any parenting strategy I personally disagree with is "abusive".

Blondie's parents may well be being unfair and emotionally hurtful. But that is not the same as "abuse" (whereas hitting her may fall into that category).

When "isolation" is discussed as a form of emotional abuse, what is being referred to is, for example, refusing to ever allow a child to leave the house except when they are in school, or even locking them continuously in their room.

There is a quantum leap between that and sometimes grounding someone - even grounding someone unfairly.

There is plenty of parental behaviour which may be unfair and hurtful, but which is not "abuse". That doesn't make it okay and wonderful either. But calling everything "abuse" takes the meaning out of the term.


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frozendreams
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when it comes to punishment there has to be some kind. if not kids would keeping putting themselves at risk for personal injury or they could end up in legal trouble. there has to be set boundaries. in other words if the child knows that they shouldnt be doing something and they do it the they need consequences. not hitting but something. you cant just let kids do what they want. they have to learn.

as for the communication, that doesnt work with everyone. people are different. what worked with you might not work with someone else, and the other way around.

there does need to be communication with child and parent but that is a whole different subject. such as when someone says that someone was mentally or emotionally abusive they need to speak to the person they think abused them because the person that said the hurtful words may not have thought that it would be as hurtful as the person in which it was said to.

there is a line drawn between abuse and discipline, some might cross that line without realizing it. thats when you need to have a talk with that person. unless it is physical abuse which needs to be reported.

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**********************
formerly unhappykoger
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Posts: 118 | From: dayton ohio usa | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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