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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Parents, Adults and Teens » parental knowledge (Page 1)

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Author Topic: parental knowledge
Dzuunmod
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Picking up on something that Miz Scarlet said in another forum, I wonder if parents really do always know when their child(ren) is/are having sex.
Yes, I'll admit that the situation I'm in with my parents now is one of 'don't ask, don't tell' but I'm living away from home with my partner, so if they haven't clued in yet, then I think something's really wrong.
But, anyway, I think parents can really misjudge these things sometimes. I can remember being asked by my mom when I was about sixteen, if I carried condoms with me when I went out, and if I was being safe (she used some other sort of code words that I can't quite recall right now). I didn't have sex until about 5 months ago, and I was twenty. I didn't even kiss anyone -- really kiss anyone -- until the beginning of this year. I'm assuming that she guessed all along that I was interested in girls.
So, I don't know that it's correct to assume that parents always know what's going on with their kids. Sometimes, I'm sure it is, but others, I'm not so sure.
For the children who've been running around, having sex without being open about it with their parents, what's your experience with this? And for parents, have you assumed things about your childrens' sex lives that you later found out to be correct? Incorrect? How did you feel?

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Heather
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What a great topic, Dzuun.
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Bobolink
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I knew my son was having sex. However it was a surprise to find out who his current partner is (she told me).

One thread that keeps running through these boards is parents seem to expect their unmarried offspring to be virginal. Parents of teens here went through their teenage years in the 70's, OK in my case, the 60's. We weren't virginal. Our parents knew we werent.

I guess the question is "Are your parents trying to hold you to a standard they didn't practice when they were your age? Yes, your parents most likely had premarital sex.

[This message has been edited by Bobolink (edited 21 September 2000).]


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ErinK
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I didn't date much as an adolescent. When I got into college and started getting involved with relationships, my father was convinced that I coudln't possibly be having a physical relationship becuase I was, well, you know, fat, and fat people just don't have sex. (apparently we're born with out genitals or something. Or they stop working.)'

My mom, on the other hand, never asked one way or the other. When I brought my boyfriend home to meet the family, I think my dad finally realized that it could be possible. He and my mom have asked me rahter subtly if I'm 'being careful' but I don't think they want to know more than that.

I've reassured them that yes, I am being careful, but I think I'm still a bit too embarrassed to discuss it with them.

Erin

------------------
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there
is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. -- Dave Barry


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Rizzo
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A child who runs around having sex without being open with my parents, here.

I must be really naive, but I think my parents don't know I'm having sex. I've been going out with someone for a year and 10 months, and now I'm living with him, but I'd still do anything to hide "it" from my parents.

They know I sleep in the same bed as him. But I'd die of embarrassment if they found out I was on the pill. They ask if I'm being safe, and I avoid the question. Maybe my parents and I are both in a sort of denial.


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LilBlueSmurf
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Hey I'm new to this board and i'm just looking around ... i finally found a topic i can contribute something hehe

Well i'm very open w/ my mother. When i got in my first serious relationship she gave me a handful of condoms and told me to keep them in my sock drawer! I was shocked ... but by her being open w/ me about that (giving me the condoms and telling me how to use them and stuff) then i wouldnt' be scared to go tell her that i had started to have sex. I'm still a virgin, but i'm in another serious relationship and this time she gave me the whole box ... hehe I live w/ my dad, and we don't talk about that because i guess it makes him uncomfortable knowing his little girl might have some sort of sex life. But that's fine ... I don't think it matters if it's really a parent that you have to talk to about sex, just someone you look up to and might have some clue as to what they're saying


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Ron
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Well, everybody's different, but my experience is that most parents, even very "progressive" ones, have a hard time, at first, accepting the fact that their kids could be old enough to be having sex. Even if the relationship is open and trusting, as it ideally should be, I think it is always a shock when our "lil kid" comes in and says 'Dad, I'd like to talk to you about something..'

Usually things aren't so open, alas. And I find that parents tend to go through a lot of denial and then trauma before they can really handle it. Part of it is that sex is always a touchy subject and part of is that parents have this tendency to think of their kids as kids, even babies, long after they've become adolescents and young adults. Maybe it's not wanting to face the imminent empty nest or maybe its just that having kids around is just pretty nice and very fulfilling and its kind of sad how fast it goes by.

I found it a bit easier than some of my friends because I have really enjoyed my kids more and more the older they got and we became friends on an equal basis.


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Milke
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My mother told me, in as many words, that if I was up to something, she trusted me to be responsible, and didn't want to about it. However, on my partner's existence, eight months into our relationship, I finally told her. And I really think I should have respected her wishes and stayed quiet; it only seems fair to her. She was good about it, but it wasn't right for me to tell.
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Gumdrop Girl
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i think i'd die if i had to tell my parents i was having sex. you think i'm exaggerating, don't you.

i know my father would be pissed off beyond belief (he's a very tacit man, usually). and my mother would shame me to no end. she'd be so disappointed (i'm supposed to be the "good" cihld).

and this will not win brownie points with my boyfriend, whom they already do not like.

i get my Pills from my dad, by he thinks they're only for regulating my cycle. my boyfriend buys the condoms because i don't want them coming up on my credit card statement.

it's too bad, really. but this is something personal to me, so why should they have to know anyway?

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if you get the molasses, i'll set up the trampoline.


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Ron
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I dunno gumdrop, you know your folks but I can't help getting the feeling from your post that maybe you are underestimating them a bit. Do you really think you dad believes that you only use the pill to regulate you period? I bet he knows.

That doesn't mean he wants to hear about all the details. That *is* you business. What if you had to talk about it for some reason? Why would you feel so bad (like dying)?


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Gumdrop Girl
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Ron, if my parents knew, they'd force me to transfer to another school. I know this because they did that with my sister (who was seeing a bad man who was exploiting her, but that is another story).

My family is *extremely* conservative. Traditional Asian household, parents are immigrants, the whole bit.

So why do I do it anyway? It's my decision and I'm being safe about it. So as long as that's true, really, it's nobody's business but our own.

------------------
if you get the molasses, i'll set up the trampoline.


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Ron
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Actually I think your parents sound pretty cool, like they really care. It's a mean world out there. They've got a pretty cool daughter, anyway, which is a good indication, I'd say.

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unhappykoger
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me personally my mom asked me all the time if i was having sex and i told her no every time. she believed me. the day she found out that i was having sex was the day that i told her that i was pregnant. before that it was too embarrassing. since then we have had conversations about it though.
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Skittles
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I think my mom had an idea in the begining but she was in denial.

I remember one time I was helping her put away dishes when I was 14 *Im 17 now* and the issue of virginity came up. My mom asked me "are you a virgin?" I told her the truth "no." She started to yell and say "well I don't know where your doing it! It must be at school or something!"

I also asked her if I could go on the pill at age 14 and I also got yelled at and called "a slut" She came up with different reasons why I wanted it "one of your friends is on it" "so I can tell everyone" "to give to someone else..." Like get real mom, I was having sex and I wanted to be safe.

I also remember I was 14 or 15 and I had gone to the doctor's about something. He asked if I had ever had sex, but before I could answer yes, she interupted and quickly said "NO!" even though she knew it was a lie. I'm still not sure why she did this. It's pretty odd considering me and my mom have a great, open realationship, but yeah, that's how it went.

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Peace, love, empathy
Melissa


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Ron
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Perfectly sane and healthy parents go chaotic over the idea of their baby having sex. That's just the way it is with parents. We eventually get used to it!
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Bobolink
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bump
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cupcake
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My mom found out a few weeks ago, when she found the doc's reference order to go get STD testing done. (i figured I was being safe!)

She cried. She yelled a bit, but she mostly cried, and got depressed-like for a few days.

She also openly accused me of being promiscuous (said in less polite terms than that) and that I was better than to go hopping into bed with every guy I meet.

Considering I've only ever had sex with one guy, once, the description doesn't really fit.


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Nataliev
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I think my mom knows that I am sexually active. When I was home over christmas, she subtly asked if I knew my face medication weakened birth control pills. I said, yep, I do, and that was the end of that.

Later that day, when I was driving, she ever so blatently asked "So, are you a Chris having sex yet???"

I almost drove of the road! I thought it was hilarious for one thing.... but not knowing what to to, I told her Chris and I slept together, but haven't had sex yet... (yes, I know..I'm bad)

But then just last month, I was talking to my sister about it, and she said that our mom had said "well, Natalie (me) hasn't had sex yet.. like she was saying my sister was bad for having sex after being in a relationship for 5 years!

Sometimes I wonder what my parents are thinking... They know that if I were to be sexually active (which i am) that I would take all the precautions etc...


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PoetgirlNY
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My parents know way too much about my sex life. They don't want to know all of this, but they keep invading my privacy and finding stuff out through my journal and my e-mail. I hate it. Now I have a separate e-mail account they can't read, and I keep my journal with me at all times. Not only do they know that I'm having sex, they know I'm having sex with many partners, they know I'm having kinky sex, and they know some of the people I'm having sex with. Grrrrr. They don't have a problem with the idea of me having sex, they just have a problem with the kind and amount of sex I'm having. The worst part is that they've actually spread the exciting gossip to the rest of the family. My mother's cousin called me a few weeks ago and said, "Hey Yalith. I hear you're a masochist. What's that about?" Ummm, excuse me, but I don't feel the need to justify my sexual inclinations to family. It's so frustrating. I wish I could erase all that information from everyone's heads. It's none of their business!

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"I'll be a Venus on a chocolate clamshell rising on a sea of marshmallow foam."
-Hedwig


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TenohSetsuna
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It's quite interesting. My parents have never once told any sort of "don't have sex until..." type of thing. The closest to it is when my mother told me not to get married until I was older(she's the virgin-on-her-wedding-night type who'd never admit otherwise). That was after I came out. My mom's still a bit in denial about the whole queer thing. My dad I guess figures it's my life and I'll do whatever the hell I want.

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I don't want eternity. But Arashii is mine.

"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon


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Celtic Daisy
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I'm a virgin(in all sexual senses of the word), and i don't have a boyfriend, but i definatly plan to tell my mom when i do start having sex. She's already been through that once with my brother, when he was 16(he's 19 now) and prolly won't be going through it with me for quite some time.

------------------
'My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers...that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her'-Jeff Murdock
(Coupling, BBCC)

~Erin~


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Stargazer23
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heh, I am 23, and my mother only knew I had a sex-life, quite recently, when not long after I started dating my boyfriend, which was hmmm....in May or June. I had decided to see my doctor about birth control, and my mom found out, asking me "That's not to regulate your system, is it?" Heh, I turned a very bright shade of red, but, then again, I couldn't very well tell her he is not my first partner. I later endured a very embarassing sex talk in a car ride....I was not embarrassed because of the subject, but more because of the way she approached it....as if I was about 12. Now we are more open about it, but I have still not told her about my younger sexually exploits. Heh, I am very close to my mom, being an only child, and raised by her alone, but for some reason, sex was still awkward for us to talk about. I didn't think she looked at me as a child anymore....until that car ride.
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starlight23
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well, i'm not completely sexual active yet, but i will be soon, and i haven't said anything to my mom about it. i'm on the pill b/c of period problems and such, but its also cuz i wanna be safe. my mom and i have a weird bond since i'm an only child and my dad died when i was 2 1/2 and it was only me and here for over 10 years, so i have a feeling she knows. she asked me once and i said no (which was the truth), but i was in the hospital in the time (the stupid dr didn't believe me ) but anyways, if i did tell her, which i've thought about, she would either go absolutly nuts, or be really calm about it. that's the way she is with everything. and i have never been able to figure it out. i want to tell her because, well she's my mom, and i love her and i want her to know because i know she cares about my well-being, BUT i'm frightened of what she's say, of if she's like, ban me from seeing my b/f, and if she'd tell my stepdad. cuz i KNOW my stepdad would lose it, he's not real fond of any guys i'm friends w/, nevermind my boyfriend. i know its cuz he cares (he got his g/f pregnant when he was 18 and it changed like his whole life, obviously). but i know there is no way he could understand that i love my b/f and that stuff, or that we were being safe. he just wouldn't get it. i could talk to my mom, but i'm still scared. so for now, it remains a secret. if my mom ever asked me tho, i think i'd tell her. but i'm not gunna bring it up.
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Scorpio
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Well i'm not sexually active yet. I've been in a very strong relationship for about 13 months now. He and i are talking about having sex, and know that it is something we will do in the future. But we're going to wait until next summer. I've discussed it with my parents, and my dad's finacee. They've all been very very happy that i'm talking to them a full year before we're going to engage in intercourse. I will be getting on the pills 2-3 months before hand. My parents will pay for it and they've baisically said as long as you keep up being responsible and mature about this, it is ok by us. That all made me happy with my boyfriend's and my decision to give ourselves a year.
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sir062000
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i have had a pretty quiet relationship with my parents when it comes to sex. however i find it ironic the situation i'm in now. i have been dating a girl for the last year now. we had sex for the first time 2 months ago. however after the first month we dated my parents thought for sure that we were having sex. and it didn't matter what i did they didn't believe me. now there are two things that i find ironic about it. after the first month up until we had sex, my parents just wouldn't give it up. they were obsessed that their "angel" was having sex. after we had sex for the first time, it seemed like my parents just shut up about it. the other thing i feel is ironic is that i have been with 3 other girls before this, and my parents never suspected or said a thing...
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DiamondGirl2K
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I'm not sexually active as of now but I will be soon. My mother knows I have a boyfriend and she can't stand the idea. I guess she just wants to keep me a little girl forever but she can't do that. I'm 17 yrs old now! I wish I had a more open relationship with my mother but she's a very close-minded person on things like that. My grandmother is a church-going person and she believes sex is for married people only. So I'm in a real crazy situation huh?
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Zanney
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I think my father must surely know that I'm sleeping with boyfriend. We live together, after all. I used to kid myself that he didn't know (because I'm daddy's little girl, and if he knew I would sort of "lose" that), but then one day he said to me, "Zanne, if you ever fall pregnant, tell me straight away." He sees too many young girls deny their pregnancies and receive inadequate prenatal care, and he doesn't want that (in the least!) happening to me.

I think it was then (and when he said he "wasn't ready for grandkids") that I realized he knew. But surprisingly, I'm still daddy's little girl, and our relationship is somehow more mature.


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BeachBabe26
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When my mom first found out that I was sexually active, (with oral sex), not only did she flip, so did I. I felt horrible. I felt like I disresspected her because I promised that I would tell her if I was and I didn't. She found out in a note that I left in the laundry. I think it may have been that I was a bit too young to be doing that in her mind. A few years later and a different boy-friend, we decided to be sexually active. I told her straight out. She put me on the pill and even pays for it, for now. She's happy she knows. She doesn't know details of course, just that it happens. She also likes this guy a lot better, prolly because I am completely honest with her this time.
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SaraCait16
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Right now, i am four months shy of my 16th birthday, and i've been sexually active with my current boyfriend (let's call him AJ) now for four months out of our eight we've been together as a couple. Of course, my parents don't really know (they could have their suspicions. . .BELIEVE me, i'm sure they do) because i haven't officially came out with it "Mom, Dad, i have something i need to confess. . ." *Lol* oh boy. I think that naturally, my dad would flip out the most, and Mom would be a little more calm about it. See, i don't think they'll go insane over the fact that it was my AJ i've been sleeping with (they really adore him). I'm just afraid of admitting that i had lost my virginity to my ex-boyfriend, whom my parents did not like at all and found him to be ugly inside and out. With my ex, it was my freshman year in high school, and he was my first serious relationship. A month after my 14th birthday (and four months into our relationship) we had sex.
Since a lot of time has passed since then and i've moved on, i'm extremely embarrassed now about giving my virginity to someone who turned out to be a jerk. If i ever built up enough courage to tell my parents(most likely my mom first) about me and AJ, i don't think i could ever tell them about my previous experience, simply because that right there would probably make them ashamed. Ashamed because of my age, and because it was with someone who "wasn't the best guy to choose from."

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DarkChild717
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I could tell my mother, yes. She supported me when I went on the pill. However, that was well before I ever actually needed them for their intended purpose. I used to have very heavy and painful periods. Which is why I chose to go on birth control.

My father, I could never tell. I'm still his baby girl in the white frilly dress. I may be graduating from community college this year, but I am still 3 years old in his eyes.


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mazz
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DarkChild - this is offtopic. but i always assumed you were male ! oops...
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~You*Know*Who~
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haha....Im a virgin, I think my parents know that fact. I've never had a boyfriend. So I think they just assume that. And its okay because I am.

If my dad would defenitly freak out if he found out I wasnt he'de flip out. Hell would freeze over. The apocolyps would be now.

My mom, already went through it with my brother, he has a kid, so DUH! its kind of obvious. So i think she would be cooler about it.


Posts: 252 | From: somwhere, usa | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
confused333
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I honestly don't know if my parents know.

My dad doesn't care. "Oh she's on birth control...." And we don't have a close relationship so I don't think he really knows or cares.

My mom is weird. A few months ago, a little have I became sexual active she asked me if me and my b/f had sex. Of course I was like "no!" and turned away. And a few nights ago I was at my b/f's and no one was home and I called to get my curfew and she said "no hanky panky" So I don't know. I don't want to tell her because if she doesn't think I have I really don't want to bring it up now. I don't know how she would react. She told me that I should wait until I am older, but I didn't.

I wish she had been more open with me and told me that I can do it when I'm ready, just tell me thing, and gave me condoms like other parents. It would have made me feel so open and comfortable with her ya know? Maybe sometime, in a few years, I can have a talk with her about it, but right now I don't feel ready.

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Why does a rose represent love, when a rose always dies??

Friends are like condoms, they help out when things get hard.


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DarkChild717
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*checks pants*

Well, if I was male, I'd certainly have a funny look penis, and a lot of explaining to do to my significant other...

It's been over a year since I went on birth control. I had the "talk" with my mum, and all is well. I won't volunteer information, but I certainly won't lie to my mum. Dad would never ask.

And mum is smart. My significant other comes over every Wednesday when my parents aren't home. Dad doesn't know. All mum asks is that we be out of my room when she comes home. And yes, we really are just sleeping.


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CutiePie4eva
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my parents actually may think i'm sexually active, but i'm not...

ever since a few months ago, when my father walked in on my bf at the time and me making out in my room... "their little angel" suddenly became their little whore... =(

mayb it was cause he walked in, and we were in a bad position for him to be walking in on... and my bf at the time's hands were in a bad place for my father to be seeing...

i think they only knew about him for a week, but i was actually dating him for a month... and i knew him i think two wks b4... it wasnt as bad as some other things i was doing that they coulda have walked in on...

my father actually thought it was funny, but my mom flipped out. my father seemed okay with it, until he told my mom... she flipped out at him, and he became her messenger pretty much. lol. my mom wont even mention anything about guys to me anymore... she's afraid about what i'll have to say i think.

my father talked to me about it, and pretty much said he didnt want me having sex, but it was inevitable... blah blah blah... if i'm pregnant talk tell him becasue he's anti-abortion. and he said, "i could imagine you in a red dress, with your own room, guys coming in and out... blah blah blah (i'm guessing he meant prostitute or sumthing...)

and... i'm a virgin, and plan to be one for a long time... i told them that, but my father thinks i have no selfcontrol whatsoever... good to kno my parents think so highly of me... =\

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dont worrie b happie... its like a law! =)

hunt for clothes NOT for animals. =)


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