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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » She wouldn't take a pregnancy test!

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Author Topic: She wouldn't take a pregnancy test!
TheNotMe
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Member # 110467

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Hello everyone.

I do not know if this is the right section to post in, but I am more wanting advice rather than an "am I pregnant" question.
For that, I have to tell you the whole story, so this is going to take a few paragraphs, so please bare with me:

I am a 21 year old Computer Science student with a 22 year old girlfriend in my life.
About 9-10 weeks ago, my girlfriend and I have had "Dry Humping" where I ejaculated. After thorough research, and the fact that I am a Computer Science student with many doctor friends/students and biologists friends, I asked each and everyone, and I asked mature mothers, and I also asked here and read all the articles: There is no way on earth pregnancy can happen.

So everything is great.
But the problem is that I am a perfectionist, and I can not set my mind at ease until my girlfriend goes and takes tests, but she would not! She is very convinced she is not pregnant, she even mocks me about my fears, that she is totally convinced that she isn't and even does not want to take any form of tests.
She has gotten her periods normally and naturally and on time ever since, but I am still not convinced because some women do get something like a period.
What re-sparks my fears is that every week or two she tells me that she needs to throw up (but does not). I am not sure of what is the cause, but she said that "If it was a pregnancy symptom I would feel it almost everyday," and she did not say she had any other symptoms, I think that if she was then at least SOME symptoms would show, but she says no.
I got to mention too that she is of the type that has great pains on her periods, and even after our act wherre her periods came, the pains were exactly the same (if she was pregnant, this could indicate a miscarriage).

What should I do? As a boyfriend, I am really worried, because such things can be -truly- deadly in my community (I am not kidding or exaggerating, truly deadly). But on the other hand, she refuses to test because she is very convinced she is not, and thinks that there was no risk at all in what we did (although there is a very minimal chance, kind of an unrealistic one).

What can be done? Are there any other ways instead of just me watching her if she's having symptoms and be kept in fear for the next few months?

Looking forward to good opinions.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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So, here's the thing: this is about HER body. So, she gets to choose to do things like take pregnancy tests or not, just like you get to choose to take STI tests or not.

But, just like a potential partner could say to you, "I really need my partners to get STI tested regularly, as their doctor advises, or I have to nix a sexual relationship because it's something I need to feel comfortable," you could do the same when pursuing and starting sexual relationships with partners around pregnancy tests.

And if they say they don't want to, or don't want to every time you want them to (and we can talk some about what is and isn't reasonable there), then YOU get to say something like, "Okay. But I really need my partners to take pregnancy tests when it's sound to, or on occasion when they are not concerned about pregnancy, but I am, so I have to nix a sexual relationship because it's just something I need now to feel comfortable," and just decline on being sexual with that person, because you two want different things or are comfortable with different things.

But too? Some of this sounds to me like you not only not walking in setting that limit, but you asking someone else to compensate for you in terms of a readiness issue with sex. In other words, one thing we have to do to affirm we're ready to be sexual with someone else, is to do things like only do activities we feel comfortable doing in the first place, acknowledge that we can't force or coerce someone to do something else with THEIR body just because we want or need it or because we don't feel ready for what we want to do and that thing compensates for that lack of readiness. It also is not sound to ask a partner to effectively manage our anxiety with things like this.

In a word, one of the choices you make in choosing to be sexual with someone else is to understand you do not have control over their bodies, only over your own.

You know what you did cannot create a pregnancy. And you sound like someone with a background where we can be sure that you value logic.

So, if you're not here? That's most likely either about just not being ready for this -- and that is for YOU to manage, not your partner, because it's about you, not them -- or you suffering from some kind of anxiety, which is something else that's yours to manage with mental healthcare.

Same goes, btw, for you saying you are worried "things could be deadly." If you are concerned something could be deadly, then you want to choose not to do that thing. If you are saying that dry humping is something you feel could be deadly to you or her in your community, then the answer to that isn't asking her to do things she doesn't want to to manage your fears, but to not choose to do those things in the first place.

It's also not your place to parent a partner. In other words, do you think she is capable of making her own choices and caring for herself? I hope so, because we shouldn't be choosing to be sexual with anyone we don't feel those things are true about, at the very least. And if that is so, again, it's not for you to try and manage her: it;s for her to manage herself. However, I suspect that a lot of this is not about her earnestly being at risk of death, but about you rationalizing your feelings and wants here with that, or maybe even trying to use that to get what you want for yourself here (no judgments there, just neutral observations and estimates on my part).

Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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By the by, I just looked up where you are, and just as a general nod, life has got to feel awfully scary sometimes, especially lately. I hope you and everyone you care for is doing okay.

I'd also add that when people are living in places where there is war and other kinds of great strife, and they already have anxiety, fears can really get amplified, and so many things can feel more scary than they are. So, given something you also brought up in your last post, if some kind of counseling or mental healthcare is available to you, I'd encourage you to seek it out. It's not like pretty much everyone living through rough times and rough places couldn't use some extra support, after all, and it sounds like you know you need it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TheNotMe
Neophyte
Member # 110467

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Wow. This is what I call a great advice. aYou are absolutely right.
I think this is more of mr having anxiety issues, and given that what I did was "risky", every fear regarding it would multiply.
I will seek professional mental health.

Thank you heather.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're so welcome.

And again, I am so sorry for anyone who has to live through a time when life is pretty much freaking terrifying anywhere you turn. If I/we can give you any extra support in general, please just ask.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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