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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Looks like I'm pregnant. Where to go from here?

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Author Topic: Looks like I'm pregnant. Where to go from here?
mesopotamia
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Hey Scarleteen!

It is with some nostalgia that I write to you guys again.. I remember when I was 16 running into this site with my 'omg am I pregnant?!' post and having a few sporadic posts over in the times after. now, years later, I want to thank everyone and Heather for always being available for everyone's questions and problems.

Now I'm back, at the wise old age of 21, in another pickle. I think I'm pregnant. Today was the last day in my range of time in which I expected my period, and tonight I decided on a sort of whim to take a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I will grab more tests to take tmrw morning, but as tonight's result was undeniably positive.. well, I accept the result. I wanted to talk through my situation here in order to help me organize my own thoughts, and get some advice from you guys. feel free to skim through my jumbled thoughts if this post gets too long. I would like to preface with the facts and then give my own take on my situation.

My situation: I'm 21 and I just graduated from college in May. I work full-time in NYC as an entry-level engineer while attending graduate school part time. I expect to graduate with my masters in 3 years (May 2016). I am very ambitious. I just started working in August, so if you do the math I would be due just shy of my 1-year anniversary as a junior engineer.

My boyfriend: there are a few concerns here, not so much for me personally but in how we are perceived by others. First, we've only been dating for a couple months. While I don't want to sound cliche or like I'm still honeymooning on a cloud, I do think that there is a very good chance we will be together for a long time. I do not believe in soulmates, but in as logical terms as I can use, I think we are very compatible and more importantly, both have the self-awareness and maturity to realize it will be work to be partners for life.

but here's the catch: he's 35, and we are coworkers. Being coworkers does not in my opinion present a problem, mostly because he plans to move companies soon and that will resolve most of the immediate perceptions of our relationship to the people I work with.

I can't say that the age difference is not a problem in our relationship, but I do not think it is anywhere near an insurmountable problem. I read Heathers very informative post on age-disparate relationships, and none of the points were concerns to me. I am a very mature 21 year old, however I can't deny that I do not have the maturity of a 35 year old just based on the depth of life experiences I've encountered and the stage of life that I'm in.

Now I'm going to blend into an analysis of my situation plus how I see going forward. Well, I don't really know how to go forward.

My most immediate concern at the moment is how I'm going to tell my boyfriend. Basically very soon after we started having sex, I told him that he didn't need to use condoms. I know from my past experiences and knowledge of my cycle when I am fertile or not. With an ex, we would always have unprotected sex days 1-7 of the cycle. after reading more about ovulation and fertility, I now regard only about 5 days before I ovulate and 2 days after as fertile. I know that's not what Scarleteen advises by a long run for birth control, but in my personal experience it has been effective.

The reason why I find myself pregnant is because I essentially lied and told my boyfriend it was ok when I knew it wasn't (it was already 2 weeks since my past period.. aka my most fertile time). But I read under perfect circumstances there's only a 20-25% chance of becoming pregnant, as many stages from conception to implantation, can fail. But I knew (we both knew, but to a different extent) that we were playing with fire. I'm only explaining this because I know I am still idealistic and like to take risks. Having unprotected sex was an exciting risk for me. I don't want my decision here to be based on the same kind of idealism and immaturity.

So.. what to do now? He's always telling me that we have to wait until after I graduate from school to have kids, and he's completely right. I am very busy trying to work hard and progress at work while taking classes, so it clearly isn't a good idea to have a baby right now. In addition, he knows that I am young, and he does not want to take away these years of my life and make me 'live too fast'.

Honestly, I don't know what to think about my options. My boyfriend told me all of the above as a reason to avoid getting pregnant. But assuming I'm already pregnant, I'm not sure what he'll think. And my immature self is very afraid of letting him know because I know it was more my fault than his. I told him it was ok, and in good faith he trusted me.

It seems that looking at my situation, it would be best to have an abortion. But honestly, I have never though about my own opinion on abortion, and I don't know if I would be able to go through with it. I have not asked my boyfriend about his opinion on abortion, but what I gather, if I'm pregnant I think he will want to keep it. He has half jokingly said things like that if I get pregnant my mom will really hate him, and I won't be able to study anymore.. small mentions of the idea that if I'm pregnant, I will stay pregnant. Obviously at his stage of life he is prepared to have a child, and he is financially able to do so as well. I have a good job and I will only move up, so even on my own I would be able to support my own child, but with some sacrifice of my current lifestyle.

I know that in the end this should be my decision, but I want to take everything into account. I'm not sure I am comfortable having an abortion, but at the same time, I know that this is not a good time for me to start a family. But it is a good time, although we are not near married, for my boyfriend to start a family. I have asked, and he is ok with having a child out of wedlock.

I would appreciate any comments on my situation. Most urgently I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to tell my boyfriend and how much he and his situation should be part of my decision. I think if I can wait, I will tell him after I get back to the city after Thanksgiving. Hopefully my thoughts will be more organized by that time.

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mesopotamia
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Omg I'm really sorry I wrote a novel! please skim through quickly!!
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Redskies
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Your decision should be predominantly about you and what you want, because you are the person who is pregnant. I'm not sure in what ways you even can factor your boyfriend into this before he's had an opportunity to respond to the situation. Also, while I appreciate what you mean about feeling compatible and feeling the possibility for a long-term connection, a couple of months is really too short a time to know for sure. I think we can have a feeling that a relationship might be a long and significant one, but still be very real with ourselves that it also might not turn out that way. I think it would be a mistake for anyone to base any big, long-term decisions on an assumption that a still-new relationship will last.

The pregnancy is still very new information for you, so if you need to take a little time to let it sink in, take that breathing space. When you're ready, I'd suggest thinking about what you want. As you probably know, there are three options available to you: remaining pregnant and parenting, remaining pregnant and adoption, or termination. How do you feel about parenting right now in your life? If you imagine your life 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now, what do you want it to look like, and how do you see each of the three options fitting in to those pictures?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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mesopotamia
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Redskies, thank you for your reply. I know you are right about basing the decision on me and also that I can't rely on us staying together. that's why I mentioned it would be a challenge with my finances and current commitments to raise a child by myself. However, it is possible. I have a very good income for my age and the ability to move up.

In terms of options, I don't think adoption is an option. if I decide to stay pregnant we will raise the baby ourselves. While you are right, I need my boyfriends input to say, but I believe that if I am not in a position to raise a child but decide to remain pregnant, he would raise the baby by himself. He is a very paternal guy and in a good place in his life to have kids. but of course, I would never push that responsibility on him unless it's what he absolutely wanted.

I don't think it is the best time in my life to begin parenting, but in terms of how I see myself, in 5 years I would love to be settled, married, and maybe with kids. Moving into that stage of life is definitely something I would like for myself sooner rather than later. it is, however, still a concern that by having kids so young I will later regret not having these years without living too fast.

The other concern in my mind is the time factor.. that with school and work I won't have any time left. and also that the physical effects of being pregnant will hinder those two aspects. these I cannot deny, however I am a career focused person, so even if the time was right in 5 years to have a child, I would still not give up my career. I was raised by a single parent, so I know that having a career will impact my relationship with my kids, but I don't think this will change from now to later and I accept that's how I would prefer my lifestyle to be.

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Heather
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It is good to see you again, Mesopotamia, though obviously we wish it were under less challenging circumstances for you!

Given your last response to Redskies, how do you feel we can best help you right now? What do you need to take or figure out your next steps?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Hi Heather, nice to hear from you again!

I'm not sure how you guys could help; I think talking through everything helped me have a clearer picture.

I will tell my boyfriend tomorrow. we have a nice lunch reservation that I don't want to ruin and then afterwards I want to break the news.

If I were to make a decision right now.. honestly I would keep the pregnancy. Yes, this is not the best time for me to start a family, but at the same time my situation could be a LOT worse. I'm not sure I would be OK with going through an abortion. I am worried about any psychological effects that would have -- I think I would regret it.

My next step to take is to tell my boyfriend. However, I need to be prepared to have a response when he asks me what I want. He is Catholic so I would think he is pro-life, but I'm sure he would support any decision I make.

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Heather
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As you know, there is no one right choice for everyone. The best we can ever do with this choice is look as realistically at the practical bits as possible, follow our own gut and heart, and consider everyone who is or will be directly involved long-term to the best of our ability.

It sounds like the answer you have now when asked what you want is that what it feels like you want most is to stay pregnant, deliver and parent. You can certainly talk about your other options, too, but I think leading with what you feel like you would want most and taking it from there, is the best way to go.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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The way I feel right now that my gut tells me to keep the baby. While I wish I had been with my boyfriend for longer, in reality I hoped to start having children in the next five years anyways so I don't feel like THAT much will change within that period. Some of the concerns I have, such as time for family vs career, will be present now and the next five years.

what I worry that I am doing is making my decision off my 'gut' which is really just an idealistic, immature string of thoughts. for example, I in theory think I can handle a baby, yet I can't see myself in reality doing things like: pushing a stroller. That's not to say that I won't rise to the occasion, but I feel as if I might be fueling my decision from the wrong place. on the other hand, what stops me from the other end (abortion) is fear that I won't be able to go through with it or that I would regret it afterwards, with emotional and psychological trauma.

I know neither option is ideal, but I'm not sure which one is more appropriate, and with which I will be happier in the long run. Keeping the pregnancy opens the door to so much uncertainty that I am not used to. as an analytical planner I find this very uneasy.

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Heather
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I think the trick is just to try and make sure you balance your feelings with equal real estate given to the realities and practicalities.

You know, it sounds to me like you might need to first talk to your boyfriend to really get at your choice here. In other words, it sounds like how he feels about it -- and obviously, per parenting, he has any interest in that right now or in this specific relationship -- is likely to inform your choice, especially since it gives you information you don't have yet about the practicals.

I'm happy to talk with you about the fears you are having around abortion if that's something you want to talk about or feel would be helpful for you in making this decision, or getting more information to make your choices with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Yes Heather, you are absolutely right, I keep just wandering from choice to choice without any direction because I'm waiting on my boyfriends reaction and input. I feel like I have been pressured to make the decision for myself before going to him, since it's my body, we may not stay together, etc. but the way I see it now is that it's a joint decision.

I will wait to tell him tomorrow after our lunch date. I'm sure after I talk with him my way forward will be far more clear. Thanks for all your help!

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Heather
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Sometimes we just can't make big decisions without getting information from other people involved, or who we want involved.

I hope it goes well for you: we're happy to talk more as you want or need.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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I told my boyfriend and the poor guy, he is still in shock.

To be honest, I am sad because I somehow expected his reaction to be better. I expected him to be happy with respect his situation but then apprehensive due to my own situation.. ie my age, me being at the beginning of my career, and me still being in graduate school. What I got from him today was that only a small sliver of him was happy.. basically there is a lot of pressure on him if we keep the baby. Before this he was already looking to change jobs (he's been there for 12 years) and he's been looking for a new, nicer apartment. Now if we keep the baby, I feel guilty because he is under a ticking time bomb to get all these things resolved NOW, an idea I overlooked before.

He is a super analytical planner, so he is really bothered that we didn't really go through the "process" before getting pregnant. Ideally, he would like to be married before children, which I would like too but it doesn't bother me as much. Hopefully, I would like to be engaged to be assured that the level of commitment is there. What bothers my boyfriend most is that my mother will hate him... since he 'got me pregnant' so quickly and messed up my life, my career, etc.

Basically, he had legitimate points about how a baby would change the course of our relationship and push us into stages we weren't ready to go into. I understood and agreed with everything he said, except at the same time I'm not sure that's enough to push me to getting an abortion. I started reading up on my abortion options and it was already so bothersome to me to read about the process that I stopped. it just really upsets me now that if I decide to keep the baby, while he will accept the responsibility, I now don't feel like he will be happy with it-- and that makes me feel so disappointed in a way.

In his mind, in a year he would have been ready to have a child. the apartment would have ready, he would've gotten to meet my mom, the works. And also he would like to have kids in the next two years. I know that a year would make a huge difference, but at the same time, it's not like he would like to delay this for 5 years. In my mind, if he definitely wants kids in the next two years, the one I have now, while not ideal timing, should be worth keeping. it bothers me that he would want to abort this child just to have another 1 scant year later. I feel like he is waiting for things to be as 'perfect' as possible, while for me I don't really feel like that would be worth the trauma we both would experience with an abortion, just to buy a couple more years. But on the other hand, I am relying on him to take the burden of the finances and a lot of things practical regarding the baby, so I'm also uneasy deciding to keep the baby if he is not happy about it.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Mesopotamia,

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a lot more talking to do, including you sharing the thoughts and feelings you've expressed here with him. I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get the response you were hoping for, but glad that he was honest with you.


Did your boyfriend say he wanted to try for children in a year, or that he felt that in a year he'd be open to the possibility? Those are two different things. To you it might feel like a scant year until he was open to the possibility, but to him it might feel like a very significant time lapse, after which he'd consider the possibility of having children and would feel emotionally and practically ready to parent.


It sounds like you're really feeling uneasy about abortion.
Were you able to tell your boyfriend about these uneasy feelings?

Where did you two leave off with your discussion and in your decision-making process?

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Robin

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mesopotamia
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We are going to spend every night after work this week together until I go home for Thanksgiving talking about this. Hopefully by that time we will be more leaning towards an option.

I guess I was expecting a better reaction because he has told me that he has been ready for kids for the past few years now given his age and the people he is surrounded with who already have families. But I understand that he would freak out when put into that situation in reality.

Where he stands, which makes perfect sense, is that had this unplanned pregnancy happened in a year, he would have been happy with it. And within two years, we would be trying for kids.

Where the conflict comes in my mind right now is that for me, abortion is a last choice option that I would take if I practically did not think it would be feasible to keep the baby. My boyfriend, on the other hand, does not seem happy to bring a baby into the situation we have now as it could be better say, in a year or two. This makes me feel like my choice has been made for me, as I don't feel comfortable keeping the baby if my boyfriend does not want to. At the same time, I don't feel that the situation is bad enough to abort. In the end though, I can't push it on him to keep the baby, as I am relying on him for the majority of the practicalities and thus I think it's unfair to push him to take my decision. I don't know, but that's where I keep going back and forth..

We didn't really end our conversation at any certain point of the discussion, but I can see we have a lot further to go. I did not express to him my feelings on abortion other than to say that I was not comfortable with the idea and that I'm not sure if I could go through with it. Writing here really helps me think my thoughts out in a semi-organized manner, so thank you all!

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Heather
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How about going through the process of thinking about this as a potential single parent?

I ask, because that is obviously always a possibility for anyone who is pregnant or a parent, but it seems like in this case, it might be a little more likely than a maybe, sooner or later. Just because someone says they may be ready for kids soon does not mean now, nor does it mean with any given partner, or in any given relationship or situation. I am hearing this guy sounding like, based on what you have posted, he probably does NOT want to parent anytime soon, or in this particular relationship or situation now, and I think you need to consider your choices based on what you want and what you can do all by yourself to make them most soundly. That is pretty much always the case with reproductive choices, but all the more so in a situation like this.

So, I think it might be both important and helpful per figuring out what you want to perhaps go through all the options in your mind with this guy nowhere in the picture, just to see what that looks like, and how you would feel about it.

[ 11-25-2013, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Dear Heather, and all,

I just wanted to update you to let you know that yesterday I got an abortion. Over the weekend of Thanksgiving and the week after I thought about the situation and it really was the pragmatic decision to terminate the pregnancy. Before that point, I absolutely wanted to keep the baby because I was thinking emotionally and not practically. While I knew emotions were a factor in my decision, I finally came around to the fact that it was not enough to keep the baby when every other factor said otherwise.

I came to realize mostly that it was not fair to my boyfriend to decide to keep the baby when I knew all the blame would be pitted on him from those around us due to his age and relative 'maturity'. And I didn't want to cause him a lifetime of guilt in feeling that he ruined my life: ie my youth, my career, etc. in becoming a mother so young. His biggest fear was that I would grow to hate him and blame him in 5-10 years for 'forcing' me to have such responsibility at this age.

Physically, I feel perfectly fine. And emotionally, I am still recovering with heavy feelings of guilt and loss but deep down I know I made the right decision for my life and for our relationship. Thank you all for your past help and advice.

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Heather
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You are certainly welcome.

I know that reproductive choices can be very tough, and often none of our options feel like or are a perfect fit. It can be really challenging to land on whichever is most right for our unique circumstances, and I am glad you found one that worked for you, and that, on the whole, you are feeling good about it.

You know where to find us should you have any other questions, or want to talk more about any of the feelings you find you have around this. Take care of yourself well over the next week or so.

[ 12-07-2013, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Hi Heather,

Between yesterday and today, I have really dissolved into a bad state. Yesterday I cried so long and hard for my baby; I was really sorry for what I had done and I feel I am almost to the point of full regret now where I wish I just kept my baby, even at the cost of raising her myself.

Today I was not myself and I got into a big fight with my boyfriend. I feel very bitter that while I spent my weekend in misery, he was apparently just fine and relieved that it was all over.

The trigger for me today was when he told me that his younger brother (who's married) is having his second child. He mentioned jokingly that now he can't rely on his brother for any more help (in regards to helping their parents). This set me off first because of the mention of his sister-in-laws pregnancy -- this made me so jealous and resentful.

The next part which started our fight (and I guess this should go in the relationship section now...) is that my boyfriend is, I feel, a slave to his parents. In fact, his dad lives with him because he is retired and has no income for himself. My boyfriend, at least from what I know, completely supports his dad. In addition, he is a "momma's boy" in the sense that she is always asking him for help around the house and doing small chores for her over the weekends, although she is financially independent (his parents are divorced but are friends).

I have been raised completely American in the sense that as my own mother tells me, she will not be a burden on us when she grows older. Of course, I would financially support my mother as much as she needs, but she would not want to impinge upon my life and independence by living with me. She considers that to be a failure on the parent's part as she wants her children to grow, move away, and be independent and their own person, fully.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is more traditional in the sense that he would never turn his own father out of the house. He believes that in the future he will be able to buy his father his own place while having an independent life for us.

What I am not ok with is that he thinks, as the older child who has always been the leader of his family, he can do it all. I'm not lacking farther in not believing him, but I am not willing to accept a situation where I have to sacrifice some of my life to be with him, while his brother, for example, runs off scot-free without the same sense of obligation towards his parents. My boyfriend always says he prepares for the worst, but in my opinion, he ACCEPTS the worst without fighting for his own gain. He lets his brother, for example, get off with minimal responsibility because he always sets a precedence for taking care of everything. I cannot put myself into a situation like that and except that he'll have enough left for me. Selfish, but it told him that this is my life, and I am having a relationship with you, and not with you and your dad, for instance. I'm just so angry because if feel like what will stop him from wanting another abortion in the future if he is STILL not ready with his dad, while his brother has his own family all settled and perfect? I just can't stand that thought. I feel like if he didn't have all this baggage and sense of responsibility, we would have kept the baby. I am creating all these enemies in my head because I'm so hurt and upset over the abortion.

I don't know what to do now or how to feel because I know with my current anger and the things I'm saying, I am destroying our relationship. At the same time, I feel so bitter, angry, and so, so regretful, that there's no way I can be around him without having these negative feelings overcome me. During lunch today, after I had my meltdown but before we started fighting, I was drinking water and I felt so angry for no particular reason that I really wanted to throw my cup of water in his face. This is completely not like me, I have never had violent feelings towards any person in my entire life.

Everything is so wound up with this abortion that I'm not sure what parts I should let go, and what I should continue thinking about. All the issues i brought up with him today were real, but 2.5 months in it is too early to voice the opinions I did. However, with this pregnancy, I had reason to think about our relationship getting serious, perhaps prematurely. He told me I was saying very risky things as his family is his family and I would not get anywhere telling him to give up his family. I just don't know how to talk to him anymore.

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Heather
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I am so sorry you are feeling so awful, mesopotamia. [Frown]

You know, IME, it can be really rough to go through any reproductive choice with a partner -- especially if and when they are not really A Partner yet. Especially if, in big ways or even small, you both did not want the same things. I also imagine that there might have been some things you assumed with his age, or he even put out there that make his whole response to this feel confusing. (That sounds a little patronizing, but be assured, I do not mean it that way.)

I will say that by all means, having to take care of a parent -- and for some of us, that's not really a choice financially or practically, with the only other option pretty much being leaving them out in the cold -- often does kind of tick the "already parenting box" for a lot of people. And certainly the "hands way too full taking care of myself and others already" box, too. So, your thoughts that he might have wanted a kid with you if he wasn't taking care of his Dad? Chances are good you're right, or that that was at least part of the picture here. But it seems to me he has made clear to you that that is what he chooses to do, and this is how he takes care of his family: that this is who he is, basically, so you get to have all the feelings you can have around it, and even not like it, but it sounds like he's pretty clear this is not likely to change anytime soon, no?

I'm also not sure why you're talking about him wanting another abortion in the future: I hopefully am not stepping on your feelings in saying this, but preventing a pregnancy is something you can both most likely do easily if he does not tell you he wants to create a family with you and you don't want to do that without his participation, you know?

That all said, though, it is normal to have a range of feelings after abortion and other reproductive choices. When we have recently been pregnant, our bodies also go through changes when we are not anymore, whether that ends in deliver, miscarriage or abortion -- that tend to make our feelings really strong, too. Having all the feelings you are having is something you get to do, and something to just go through until you are at the end of it.

I would say that sometimes, in my experience, abortion and other reproductive choices tend to give us or others a new lens to look at things through, and life changes or reevaluations do often result. If in over two months of the relationship you have been bottling up all of these kinds of thoughts or feelings, feeling you could not express them? I'd say that lens is serving you, because that is seriously not okay for you, or anyone. It's never too early to talk about things and feelings that are actually happening: it is right on time, you know?

Can I ask who else you are talking with and getting support from around this right now? It might actually be good for you to take some time away from him, and this, just for now, especially given how you are feeling, and talk to other people now instead. Or at least additionally?

Again, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Are you also amping up the self-care right now as best you can, treating yourself to more rest and relaxation, and things that comfort you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Carpe Diem
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Hello Mesopotamia,

I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in and let you know that what you are going though is completely normal.

I had an abortion 2 years ago and I went through the whole gamut of emotions imaginable from when I found out I was pregnant, during the decision making process while figuring out what I was going to do, and after the procedure. I felt and went though a lot of what you have mentioned, so I want to let you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I wanted to let you know that it does get easier, whether or not you remain with the partner in question.

I also concur that now is the time to take extra good care of yourself.

Sending my thoughts your way.

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"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

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mesopotamia
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Yes, I definitely expected more support from him given his age but also the fact that he had clearly told me he was ready for kids. But obviously that was just in theory because when one came along he clearly did not want it for himself -- not just for reasons for me or the relationship. It was a consideration of mine in deciding to abort because I thought : well if he is not ready to have kids then how the hell could I be even close?

The whole issue with his situation is actually what my wise mother told me with regards to his age... that someone that much older has a life and a way of living, and that I deserve more -- I deserve someone who has no baggage, no things set in stone, so that we can truly BUILD a life together. That's something we were arguing about today .. he turned around defensively to say 'well, what do YOU bring to the table' and my answer is that I bring nothing to the table and that's the beauty of it .. that I have nothing substantial to 'get in the way' of our relationship, per se.

I am upset not so much at his attitude towards his family.. that is an admirable attitude. I am disgruntled at the way he is RESIGNED to taking all the responsibilities, as the older brother and caretaker of the family, apparently. that is not the kind of life I am willing to give myself to -- just fitting into his. of course he has to take care of his family, but I'm not going to sacrifice my relationship with him so he can run off and parent his parents.. while letting his brother go free! I can't help but think financially too, that with all the support he provides, he certainly can't be saving for if/when we have kids! while his brother has an excuse because he's drained to the bottom with his kids that are already here. that is not fair to me and I won't accept a vulnerable position like that. of course, I will be making more money by then myself, but I do want me and our kids to be his priority, which, I'm not sure it will be of he can't handle everything as he hopes too.

Heather, as you say it is not too early to talk about what I'm thinking -- well, I feel it is the wrong time. he got upset because at this point in our relationship, it's none of my business how he deals with his family. the only reason it so stuck in my mind is because of the pregnancy, and I feel like he should understand that.

I also feel that in general, he should be more understanding, or at least accepting, of my general ups and downs, particularly after this abortion, but all I've been getting from him is logic, and more logic. He knows that I have my mood swings every month, but I guess I got him angry enough today that he didn't even cut me some slack for what just happened. I understand and agree with the practical reasons for why we did it. but to me right now I can't reconcile that with my emotions -- I just miss my baby.

as to who else I'm talking to, well nobody. I have talked to two of my best friends and tell them everything. the problem is that I graduated from college one year early, so most of my friends are still seniors in college. while they sympathize with what I tell them, they are not really in the same life stage anymore to offer me advice on what's going on. I have told two girls but it is mainly for the purpose of ranting and not for a productive discussion.

Carpe Diem, thank you for your thoughts. I feel as if I am self-destructing our relationship by hurling all these 'attacks' as he sees them. I hope we can make it past this phase of my recovery. but if he doesn't grow more understanding of how I'm feeling I'm not sure what else I can do. I can't just repress these thoughts and continue our relationship on as before.

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Heather
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For sure, the older we are, the more pre-existing responsibilities we will tend to have. That said, if he gave you the idea he was not just ready for kids, but wanted to pursue that with you....well. That is obviously another matter.

Personally, I think it sounds like a good thing in a lot of ways for you to be reevaluating this relationship, specifically, and on the whole, and then also what YOU want in a relationship now and in the future, period. Like I said before, this can actually be a really fruitful time in someone's life for doing that.

Per any of this being the wrong time, I am going to stand by my opinion that if something is any par of a relationship, it cannot be too soon to talk about it. Communicating about things that are happening in the present is simply something we need to be able to do in relationships, of any kind. And no, you cannot continue to repress your thoughts and feelings and have something good for you, so if you can't start being very honest and open soon, I think you have to acknowledge something really is not working here. And that it is likely not a matter of your timing, either. It sounds like everything has moved SUPER fast here, so very, very fast, but still. It did, however it did, and here you both are, dealing with what you are, all of which everyone involved should be able to talk about.

I suspect he got upset because this is a place where you two are radically different, and likely always will be (but who knows, sometimes parents plan to be taken care of by others on e elderly, but those plans fall through) and when you voiced this would not have made any difference. Sounds to me, in fact, like he perhaps has already been clear about his family situation: this is how it is and is going to be, so now you just need to decide if you can accept that or not, and if not, it is likely sound for you to move on, you know?

I wouls certainly say that goes for the whole of this situation, like talking about how it even hapoened and being able to talk through the feelings you are having around and with it. Since you keep talking about the two of you and kids, I would say that very soon it is time to just put that out there as something you want, if you still do, and find out what he actually wants, too, then you two can both see if this is or is not a fit in this regard. Given how this pregnancy happened in the first place and what you wanted - including what has sounded like a kid and someone to parent with you - I think you owe it to yourself to honor what you really want and put that out there to anyone you are getting aeriously involved with. There are, after all, others out there who want the same things you do!

I am not sure how different last year of college versus first year out really is with life experience, personally, so maybe give it a shot with some of those friends? You can also look up Backline online, which is a talk service for people after abortion that is fantastic.

What else can we do to help you out here?

[ 12-10-2013, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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