posted
I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I was never sure about the baby but my boyfriend convinced me it would alright and to keep it, I just found out my boyfriends been cheating on me and he says he doesn't want to be with me. I moved away for him and kept a baby I didn't know if I wanted, now I don't know what to do any more :'(
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
Hi Cup_cake, welcome to scarleteen. I'm so sorry that you're in this position, I understand how upset and confused you might be feeling right now.
You are welcome to talk things through here with us, but I also think it might be good to get some more immediate and local support, so I've found some support services that will be able to help you -- you can just talk things out with them, but you can also ask them for recommendations/referrals to additional resources that would be able to help you out in this tough situation you've been put in.
posted
Hi onionpie. Thanks for replying. I volunteer with the Samaritans on the switch boards. So I'll feel a bit weird calling them for help. I thinks I'll probably go back home and be with my family, they will be support.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
Hey, cupcake. If you want someone to talk through your options with, I'd be happy to do that with you.
Obviously at this point, those options are parenting or adoption.
I'm so sorry you were put in this position.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hi heather. I've been thinking about adoption a lot but I'm unsure if it's right I could give her everything she needed a home, be finically stable, love. But my own selfish reason for thinking about adoption is I don't know if I can be a mother.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
One thing I always like to remind anyone making reproductive choices of is that it's not only okay to be selfish, it's important to be. In other words, these are big choices, and they are about someone else -- a kid -- but they also are about yourself. And if and when we don't think about what we want and need, don't want and don't need, are and are not capable of, we can't serve that kid or maybe-kid very well. Too, mothers -- be they actively parenting or birth mothers -- aren't non-people once a kid comes into the picture. You matter here, too.
So, maybe we should start by trying to help you identify what you want, ideally, rather than what you could or couldn't do?
In other words, to kind of start at ground zero: do you want to parent someone for the next 18+ years right now?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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One of the things that's a good thing about the adoption process is that a person can make a birth/parenting plan AND an adoption plan concurrently.
In other words, an adoption arrangement should always have a legal window to change your mind at any point before a birth and shortly thereafter. So, you could make a plan for adoption AND one for parenting, and then make up your mind as you go, choosing either at any point up to or just after a birth.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Anymore, adoption is built that way with the understanding that birth mothers sometimes do and should be able to change their minds. For sure, that can be tough on adoptive families, but really, they're not the most vulnerable person involved in an adoption, so that room left for birth mothers to change their minds is so, so important.
It sounds to me like it might be best for you to just talk to an agency or two now so you can have all the information you need to even just start considering this. That way, you have plenty of time, can work through some of your gut feelings about it without any misinformation about it, etc.
Does that sound good? If so, do you know where to go? If not, I'd be happy to help you find the right folks to talk with. But I'd say that a very good place to start online on top of working with us, is this site: http://http://www.positiveoptions.ie/
Their page on adoption is here: http://www.positiveoptions.ie/about_adoption/ It's very, very basic information, but a text to them could likely get you connected with the right agency to talk with, and you can be sure that organization won't connect you with anyone creepy.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I read the little info bit on it and its not so black and white as I thought and it doesn't sound as scary. I'd like to maybe talk to a agency but I have no idea where to go.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
Okay. I don't know about you, but I feel like when making big decisions, it's really important I have all the information I can about my choices and that I'm sure that information is current and correct.
Want some help?
If so, mind giving me an idea of what area you're in?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Okay. let me do some poking around for you today and I'll come back with some options when I've got them.
In the meantime, how are you doing in terms of emotional support with all of this?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Just to start with, by the by, here's the contact info for Health Services adoption services in Limerick: Adoption Service, HSE West, Parkbeg House, 2, Elm Drive, Caherdavin Lawn, Limerick
Tel: 061 206820 / 206841
What I'd suggest is simply calling them, and asking if you can meet with someone who can tell you all about your possible options as a birth parent when it comes to adoption.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Oh thank you I'll call them first thing in the morning. I've told my sister what's been going on. I haven't really told any one else yet. I'm just trying to past all the stuff with my boyfriend it's not about him any more.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
You're handling two really hard things at once: a pregnancy and a breakup, one in the middle of a pregnancy no less, a pregnancy it sounds like you chose to sustain either with the understanding your boyfriend would stick around, or which you did only or mostly because he convinced you to.
That is tough, tough, tough stuff.
No one in that spot could also be expected to somehow process all of that at once, either.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
He's a total arse the baby wasn't planned and he knew at first I didn't want to go through with it and then wasn't sure. He said everything was going to work out. I trusted him now I'm the fool. He keeps bugging me as well he doesn't understand im sick leave me alone.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
Do you need help setting firm limits when it comes to having him out of your life (which is appears he elected to leave in the first place)?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Starting with the painfully obvious: "Don't call me or otherwise contact me anymore." Have you tried that?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
So, he doesn't get to have that information anymore, and you get to hold him to that.
And since he's opted out the way that he has, I'd strongly suggest that you do hold him to that.
If telling him not to contact you has not worked, how about not answering the phone or changing your number?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I am gonna hold him to it ha. I think I might change my number. I have really bad sickness at the minute so I don't really want to leave the house. I'll just go about ignoring him.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
Yep. If you hold your own lines, there's not much room for him to try and stampede past them.
And, of course, if he continues to cross them when you make them very clear, you do have legal options to compel him to leave you alone.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Also, if he's coming to your house? Do you live alone? If you don't, then you can make sure everyone you live with understands that they are all to clearly ask him to leave and not come back.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Great on your neighbor. Maybe give them a special thank you, and give that neighbor and any others you know the heads-up that you have asked him to leave you alone?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I will thank my neighbour I was really thankful. I've only got a couple of neighbours who will help out but the ones who will I'll tell them. I am so pissed st him ha.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
No ha about it: you have every right to be very angry and hurt.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
By the by, just in case, I'd document, as much as you can -- emails, calls, etc. -- his opting OUT of being part of this with you, the whole history of this.
That's just so you have it in the case you have to deal with any custody issues later or objections on his part to adoption, should you choose that route.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Feel really stupid for trusting him and stuff, I've kept all the call history and texts my neighbour had already said about keeping them. To show the police if he keeps bothering me
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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You know, I don't think there's anything stupid about situations like this. I'm going to assume you thought this person was someone you could trust for a reason, and it also sounds like they certainly gave you that impression.
Alas, so much in life is "Well, now I know for next time." Often enough, we all learn things the hard way.
So, you might have some "for next times" here, like maybe always using two methods of birth control, including condoms, leading your reproductive choices with what you want and know is right for you, not with what someone else wants, maybe taking things slower, who knows. But I'm sure none of this is about you being stupid, even if some of it is about knowing now things you didn't know or think about before.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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We can be as smart as we want to be, but that doesn't control other people, nor can it assure people will treat us well.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I do see. I think cause it hurts I feel like I was naive which I was and I feel silly because of it. Even though I know I shouldn't. It's difficult to explain.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
You know, even if you were, you're young. You're not only allowed to be naive, it's kind of a given to some respect, you know?
Expecting ourselves to be worldly or have vast life experience before we actually have just isn't sound.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I understand that. Oh I told my parents my plan to move back home and thoughts on adoption. My mar wasn't so cool with the whole idea, and said she would help take care of the baby or take care of the baby full stop. And even said she would become legal guardian. Which is sweet but makes things a little more complicated.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
Well, you know then that's one option you have.
In other words, you can go talk to the agency about adoption to find out about that choice, which is one option (and one with various options within it).
Another option right now is to be the parent yourself, all alone (not advised, just because kids are awfully tough to care for all alone), or with some help, even maybe a lot of help, from your Mom.
Now it seems a third option is to consider basically allowing your mother to adopt from you. I'd say that might be an option to also discuss with the adoption agency when you're there, especially since that one could be very interpersonally complicated and also confusing for a kid. Not meaning that has to be ruled out, again, it's another option, just one to probably find out more about.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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But like I said, I'd first make sure you have all the information you need to make these choices.
Were you able to call Health Services this morning about finding a time to talk to someone about adoption so you can have that information?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I know it feels lie a lot to process and take in at once, but while you have months to ultimately decide between all of these choices, the sooner you can get close to knowing what you want, the better it'll be in terms of whatever you need to do to plan, but also for your own emotional processing.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
You always get to give yourself a day off, you know. You don't have to make up your mind about anything TODAY.
Is there something you can do for your own self-care today that you know you always enjoy and helps you kick back?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
So, maybe today is a good day for some art? Maybe let yourself just freeform it, too, without trying to do something amazing, just letting yourself be creative?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I feel really stressed out today, my sister told my ex my plans about adoption. Which resulted in him coming up to me in the street and yelling and ranting at me. And telling me he'll take me to court before it happens. It feels like I'm on my own with this.
-------------------- Do the cupcake dance Posts: 31 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you're not getting support from the people around you.
Does your sister know that you don't want your ex to be involved with this at all?
Did you have any luck reaching the adoption agency Heather pointed you to. They should be able to provide you with support as well as teaching you about the adoption process.
Who else do you know you can turn to for support? Any friends, other family members, other people in the community where you live?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4402 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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