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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Can't do this...

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Author Topic: Can't do this...
missabel
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Member # 95135

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Forgive me if this post is a little all over the place, but I'm in a bit of a panic right now.

Some history:

I am a college student (in my third year) and just found out I am pregnant. Can't believe I am writing that. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, can't take birth control because of a clotting disorder so we've just been using condoms and pulling out.

My period was two weeks late, took a test, pregnant.

I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I come from a very conservative Christian family and am a Christian myself. I have always felt that I could never have an abortion and know I would feel immense guilt over it because of personal beliefs.

I am very involved in the church and am terrified of people finding out.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with school- I have one year left of undergraduate and was planning on applying for graduate school next year. I don't have a job, I am a full time student. So is my boyfriend. He has a little money saved, but not much- in order to afford anything, one of us would have to drop out of school.

I know adoption is an option but I just can't imagine not knowing this child, not raising it, not being his or her mother. I feel like I already am.

Right now, I am too scared to even go to the doctor. I am frozen with fear, too scared to take action or do anything. I know I need things like prenatal vitamins but I don't know how I'm going to break the news to my parents... to my family... my grandparents.

I know everyone is going to be disappointed in me.

How on earth am I going to afford this?

I haven't even told my boyfriend yet. I have told him my period is late but not that the test has confirmed it.

It feels surreal, I just feel like I can't do this. I know I need to be strong right now but I'm just so scared.

I don't even know what the advice I'm asking for is... maybe just hearing what I need to do next will help me take the next step... I don't know. I feel sick to my stomach with worry and all I can do is cry. I NEVER thought this would happen to me.

ANY advice or help is appreciated.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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missabel: I think panicking is certainly understandable when we have an unintended pregnancy.

I'm glad to talk about this with you, but we probably want to pick a place to start.

Am I getting it right that you already feel decided on aiming to continue your pregnancy and parent? Or did you want to talk at all about your other options?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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missabel
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I think so...

I mean, terminating the pregnancy would be the easiest option in the short-term. It would be covered by insurance, I would not have to leave school, no financial burden...

I just don't think I could emotionally handle it. Plus, I know my boyfriend would want to raise the baby and would stay with me to do so. We are very much in love and it is a great and healthy relationship.

Adoption scares me because I can't imagine getting attached to this child for 9 months and then not being his or her mother. I feel like I would miss it for the rest of my life. Plus, other than financial constraints, I love children, have always wanted to be a mother and know I would love the HECK out of this baby.

So I guess keeping and parenting it is? I don't know why it doesn't feel more clear-cut but I guess it is... I don't feel "comfortable" with any of the options but it makes me feel the least uncomfortable.

[ 03-20-2012, 07:20 PM: Message edited by: missabel ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, I don't think any option with unintended pregnancy is ever easy. I mean, sometimes, but I'd say that's rare. I think the idea there's one easy choice...well, if only, right?

But for sure, sometimes when we know about all our options and have thought about them, none feel right, but there might be one or two which feel less wrong. I hear you saying that for you, parenting feels like, if not a great choice, the best one for you right now.

If so, I hear you saying that your partner would want to be involved, and it sounds like you'd want him to be, too. So, do you think you're at the point where you are okay telling him about the pregnancy and talking about this together? Or do you want some more time first to process this on your own?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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missabel
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Member # 95135

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I know he definitely wants to be involved. We have talked about marriage before and I know he wants children and loves children- he has many younger siblings.

I know I need to tell him and I know he will be supportive, I just feel like telling him will make it real- I know I will have to take real steps like making a doctor's appointment, looking for somewhere to live...

Suddenly 9 (or 8 really) months seems like such a short amount of time to get everything in order. Just off the top of my head, we need...

Source of income... I don't know whether he will stay in school, we will get loans, he will do school part time and work... this overwhelms me when I think about it! I don't know where either of us can get jobs that pay decently without having our degrees completed.

Somewhere to live... he rents a room but we will need an apartment.

Figure out school schedules and what is going on with school...

I know I need to tell him. I will see him tomorrow, I suppose why not get it over with? But I just don't know how. Or where to do it. Hmmm. I guess it's like ripping off the band-aid, just do it, right?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, if you need a little more time to process this on your own, I think that's absolutely okay. You get to have that if that's something you feel you want or need.

That said, for sure, the time does go quickly, so you don't want to take TOO much time before reaching out, especially when it comes to seeing how this can or may work for you when it comes to the practicals and the actuals.

Some of what you're asking here sounds like you or I can't know without talking to him. So, if both of you can stay in school or not, if not, who will take time off, how you both are going to deal with a new places to live and money, etc. seems like stuff that will have to wait until you talk with him.

For sure, I think it's safe to say there is rarely if ever some magically graceful way to announce an unintended pregnancy. But it sounds like the two of you are pretty close and have a relationship you feel good about. That given, do you feel like he can handle similar feelings and experiences you have been having in finding out and processing this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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missabel
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Member # 95135

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I still haven't said anything...

Kind of weird maybe, but I've started talking to my baby. When I think of the situation as me taking care of her (or him) and standing up for him/her and being brave for this little person, it makes me feel more like I have a purpose and can maybe handle this.

I know my boyfriend CAN handle it, I know I need to tell him. And I know I need to call the doctor because I owe it to this baby to take the best care of them that I can. If I'm going to be a mom, I'm going to try and be the best and bravest mom I can.

So starting with calling the doctor tomorrow and telling the boyfriend tomorrow. Baby steps I guess, right?

Parents... living situation... school... maybe my boyfriend and I can come up with a plan together?

Just gotta keep breathing!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You do! [Smile]

So, you do at least want to see your doctor to verify your pregnancy and then, make a plan for pre-natal care. You won't likely have much to start with now save vitamins, but that can also be an appointment where you ask a lot of the questions you might have.

Something you probably do want to ask for is for your doctor to help connect you with any social services that you might be able to apply for to get assistance. I'm much more familiar with those services in the US than Canada, so your doctor is likely a better help for you with that than I can be.

It also sounds like you're pretty decided here when it comes to continuing the pregnancy with an aim of parenting, so I'd agree, you want to talk to your boyfriend -- and anyone else you plan or want to get any kind of help or support from soon, too -- so you can see how he feels, then start to make some initial plans, even if it's just making a list of things you each need to start sorting out.

It sounds like you're actually handling this pretty well, and are in a pretty good headspace, despite this being a surprise and something you didn't plan for. That's good! Getting through something challenging is a lot easier the more positive we can stay about it. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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