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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Pregnancy Or No Pregnancy (Page 3)

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Author Topic: Pregnancy Or No Pregnancy
Alergnon
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No, I never get bleeding or brown discharge before like this during my placebo week.
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Heather
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Sorry, what I meant was when do you usually get your withdrawal bleed: during your placebo week?

Sometimes, for the record, if we skip or miss a period, we can see spotting later or brownish discharge, just because we didn't menstruate -- sometimes because we didn't create enough endometrium that cycle before, which can often happen more with hormonal methods of BC -- so little remnants kind of make their way out.

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Alergnon
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Like I bleed when it's my menstrual cycle but I didn't bleed at all when I was suppose to, last week.
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Heather
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I'd not sweat this for now. If you don't get your withdrawal bleed in a day or two, I'd test for pregnancy, but if you have been taking your pills properly, a pregnancy is very unlikely.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I haven't been taking my pills properly, I took them at different times and I missed 3 days in a row of not taking them.
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Heather
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And that could also be the why with this. Obviously, pregnancy is also a real concern here, this given, but it's just as likely it's something else. All the same, sounds like it's time to take a test, okay?

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Heather
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Just thought I'd check in with you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey,
Yea, I'm doing okay I guess, still scared. Did tests yesterday for pregnancy just urine test.

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Heather
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And the results were....? (I ask because most typically, you get those results within minutes at a healthcare office.)

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Alergnon
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And the results were, I have no idea yet. I went to the clinic to get it done...
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Heather
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That's odd they didn't tell you the results that same day.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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No they didn't tell me the results that day. I did do a pregnancy test at my doctors over a week ago, almost 2 weeks ago and it came back negative but that was like 3 days after unprotected sex.
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Alergnon
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Also, it was a doctor who ordered it so yea, they didn't test it while I was there, they tested for infection and pregnancy as well
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Heather
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That's very odd to me, since usually a tech will just start on that testing, as those results are instance. But if they're a very busy clinic, or they send out to a lab for all tests, that would explain a wait.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Not to sure either.

Hmm, I need to bring something up. So, I have been talking to my boyfriend and things are starting to get back to normal. I know I shouldn't have and I did take a break a small one. I even didn't go to Church Sunday to give myself some time to myself. Well, our txt messages don't focus on babies anymore at all. We talk about my possible pregnancy, random things like what we're doing; if one of us is out we tell each other type thing. I think the relationship has been going okay and I know it had some pretty intense things happening. But, he doesn't seem like he wants to get me pregnant anymore.

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Heather
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Can I ask who initiated the talking before the break was actually up?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Alergnon
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He did. He kept talking to me. Then he was saying a bunch of stuff like he was going to die and that he will be there for me, etc.

I do think things are starting to work out and we did get into an argument were there was swearing and what not, but he said sorry and that "we had out first fight" and that things will be better.

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Heather
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So, he refused to respect the boundaries you wanted to set, and also used threats of suicide to manipulate you into letting go of those boundaries.

How do you feel about that behavior?

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Alergnon
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I'm really not to sure how I feel about it all, really or how I should feel about it all.

In all honesty I think his feelings developed for me to fast, not sure what that is called, but he says he loves me and I say back, "I really really like you."

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Alergnon
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I know this is off topic but I still have feelings for someone I used to date and had intercourse with. I still talk to him and we're on very good terms just he lives like a 3 hour drive away. I keep avoiding these feelings for him because it would never work out.
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Heather
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Well, what I'm seeing here, and have been, are some clear signals this isn't a healthy relationship that this person isn't approaching in healthy ways. Some of those signals are signs a person is or is becoming abusive. Those include reproductive coercion, moving things way too fast emotionally, refusing to honor boundaries, being manipulative or abusive when a person doesn't get what they want or doesn't feel they have control over the other person, etc.

So, from where I'm sitting, I would be very concerned about all of this, especially if I had a pattern of unhealthy relationships I knew I was having a hard time breaking. If those things were going on and I knew, from sound information, they were signs of dysfunction or abuse, I would want to be doing something about them, not allowing them to continue or enabling them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I had asked him in a text message what happened to his last girlfriend. He told me that she dumped him because he was working to much and wasn't there like he wasn't there to spend time with her family. Then I asked who's family and he said her family so yea.
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Heather
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I'm sorry, I'm not understanding how that's connected to the conversation we were having. Help me out?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Alergnon
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Because the guy I used to date he was nice and what not, so I talk to him now and I still have feelings for him and I feel like I am being unfair to my boyfriend being emotionally involved.
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Heather
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Okay. That's quite a veer from what we were talking about.

However, in healthy relationships, it should always be okay -- and even more so, supported -- for people to have other people in their lives. We should be able to talk with friends and family, including when our friends used to be romantic partners.

But I'm also a little concerned to see you shifting what was a discussion of his behavior to a discussion of yours and another relationship. How about we go back to my last response and talk about that? How about we stick first with the relationship you are in that appears to be very unhealthy?

quote:
Well, what I'm seeing here, and have been, are some clear signals this isn't a healthy relationship that this person isn't approaching in healthy ways. Some of those signals are signs a person is or is becoming abusive. Those include reproductive coercion, moving things way too fast emotionally, refusing to honor boundaries, being manipulative or abusive when a person doesn't get what they want or doesn't feel they have control over the other person, etc.

So, from where I'm sitting, I would be very concerned about all of this, especially if I had a pattern of unhealthy relationships I knew I was having a hard time breaking. If those things were going on and I knew, from sound information, they were signs of dysfunction or abuse, I would want to be doing something about them, not allowing them to continue or enabling them.



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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Sorry about that.

Yea, we can go back and talk about my relationship. I just don't know what to really say about it.

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Heather
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Well, I need to head off anyway, so how about tonight you think about where I left off and what I've said and we pick this up in the morning when perhaps you do have some response?

It might also help to do that after looking at this: Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

And this: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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It might also help to think about why something that seems like it's pretty unhealthy seems to you -- even right after this person has crossed your healthy boundaries in some very major ways super-recently -- to be going just fine.

Usually, if we're that out of touch with what's really okay, there's a reason for it, whether that's about a history of unhealthy relationships in our families, being really afraid to be without a romantic or sexual relationship, not feeling like we deserve healthy partners, etc. If we can even just get a handle on what's playing into a pattern of being part of unhealthy relationships or dynamics, we can usually make a big first step in breaking away from that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I know what abuse is like, I've gone through it as I grew up, up until I was 16 10 months old, I decided to move out. I honestly don't think I am being abused, I'm not physically abused, sexually abused, emotionally abused, etc. by my boyfriend. Now he has said some things to me like; he wants my babies and wants to be together, and he is fearful that I will leave him. I know some this sounds weird what he is saying and I agree he does sound a bit off.

Now, I read about the abuse forms from the first link you gave me. The second link I haven't had a chance to really look at it, but from the sounds of it I feel like it's something to help to build a more healthier relationship. I will get a chance today to read it, just I have the flu-like symptoms so I'll be home all day resting and taking it easy, drinking lots of fluids and what not.

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Heather
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So, one thing to know is that when we grow up in abuse, sometimes it can make it harder for us to identify later, especially if it's not the same kind of abuse, or isn't the same severity (or isn't yet).

The other thing to know is that abuse tends to escalate. It doesn't always, but it most often does, so when someone shows some signs of being unhealthy or emotionally abusive early on -- and in this case, right from the start -- that can tell us things will probably only get worse, not better. Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries when a relationship is new, for instance, is not likely to as it develops: they're likely to only disrespect them more. Someone who reproductively coerces early may keep doing it, and may escalate to other kinds of sexual abuse, etc.

If we were building a house, we'd need a good foundation and materials to build with of some quality. If we had rotten wood, a foundation that had already flooded, etc., we wouldn't be able to build a very strong house. same goes with relationships: we can't build a healthy relationship on an unhealthy foundation. Know what I mean?

Hope you feel better today.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Starting to feel better, just woke up, took a 4-5 hour nape. Well, that is what's happening here about this abuse. I want to say something but this will sound so off but it makes sense to me. When I moved out of my parents house not only was there abuse going on, they what you call "brainwashed me" in believing in crap as well with the them not really being there for me when they were standing there every day. Well, they never believed me, they talked me down every day, swore at me, told me this and that, how I should feel (because I was very much suicidal) which they never believed anything I said. Then when I turned 16 10months old, which the 2 year mark is coming in 3 weeks. I moved out of my parents place almost killed myself and had enough and packed my bag and basically got on a school bus and went to the nearest hospital. Well, I then choose to go into a group home and when I was there, I felt so alone and things didn't feel right. I was waiting for someone to talk me down, swear at me, treat me badly- non of that happened. I felt lost and confused and I missed the abuse I was going through because I was expecting it to happen. Not even 2 week being there I AWOLED (ran away) because I couldn't handle these feelings and I kept them inside of me, never told anyone how I felt around abuse. But, now I'm fine. Now, I'm in a relationship that may be abusive or the start of it. It doesn't bother me at all, maybe it's from I'm used to the abuse I went through as a kid to a teenager.

I understand why he doesn't want to leave me, because I may be carrying his baby and he wants one with me. I have talked to him about this, I told him I'm not ready but if I am pregnant than I am pregnant. He doesn't grasp this very well, but then he starts to understand and now I'm finally in terms with him on this. He also told me he is allergic to latex and he did wear it for me so I told him I'll go out and buy non-;atex condoms. He said okay. But the thing is, I went to his place last night for the night and we talk about having a baby and what not. He brought up the subject so it tells me he cares about me and maybe this baby.

I also, got a phone call I believe from my doctors office but I was asleep and I don't have caller ID. So, I'm going out for a few hours to get my government assist money, to go call them back. So, I should be back in 2-3 hours.

Thank You Heather.

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Heather
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There's a term for what you're calling "brainwashing" when it comes to abuse, and that's "gaslighting." That thing where people being abusive convince the person being abused that either it's not really happening, or all in their heads, or is fair, deserved treatment? That happens all the time, not just to you, I promise. So, no, that doesn't sound off: it sounds typical of these dynamics.

(Btw, your 15/16 year old life? Boy does it sound a lot like mine was: I pretty much had the exact same experiences, including leaving home for good just before I was 16. I feel you.)

Now, I don't think you sound fine to me or like you've been fine. Your post history here alone reports quite a lot of big-time not-fine, you know? And certainly, not being bothered by knowing a relationship has already been abusive and will likely become more so very much makes clear you're not fine. if and when we feel that way, we've got to know something is very, very wrong (and yep: abuse becoming our version of normal is usually at play, like you've voiced here).

I'm so glad, Alergnon, that you have made it through all this so far. I have a pretty good idea of how hard it can be to do that. My hope is that we can keep talking, keep connecting you with support, so that you can be in a spot that's a lot more than just getting through these things, but getting WAY past them, including being able to identify and avoid or quickly get out of anything that not only isn't healthy, but isn't likely to really benefit you and your life a lot.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just a heads-up, Alergnon: I usually try -- even though I often fail -- to take Saturdays off and head out a bit early on Fridays. Since I've been grappling with a bad cold the last few days, I'll likely do that today. So if you post back and don't hear from me again until Sunday, I wanted to make sure you knew it wasn't about me blowing you off, but about me not being here.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey, Yea it's okay Sunday is fine. Besides I'm really busy Saturday anyway, going out and what not. It sucks being sick. It's like the fourth day being sick with something I have no idea what it's called, I call it a stomach virus or something on that, because it involves my stomach being so ify and horrible. I hope we both get better soon. [Smile]

Well, about the brainwashing it got worse when I left home and me going for visits here and there to my parents house. Something really changed within my parents, like when I left things started to get a little bit better, because I wasn't there. But, when I called my parents, mostly talking to my mom on the phone she would tell me all this B.S about crap. I honestly didn't care whatsoever and I almost told her to shut up. At times I also told her I didn't care and she would still go on about it. When I was living with my parents they had different views on things and they almost in forced it on me. I had to grow up like this. So, when I left and went for visits my mom and dad, mostly my mom would tell me about world news and what not and what's going on in the world and she would tell me all this conspiracy crap. That is what I was being brainwashed with. It was different when I was living with them, it was more of you can't do this and you can this, type thing. Didn't help much when I was being ignored by my mom and put down and swore at by my dad- he also said hurtful things to me. Things I hardly tell people about. Honestly, my dad and my mom I felt like they wheren't my parents because it didn't feel like it at all. So, about all of this abuse I went through and I know how it feels and I still do, I would never ever in my life treat anyone not even my kids and act like a disrespectful parent to them. I hate yelling, I hate people yelling at me so I get very annoyed by it and say something about it.

Abuse is something that I found over the years it's like a cycle. I learned after awhile that it would happen again. My dad for an example; he would swear, call me names and the next day he would put me down say things like "he'd rather die to not see me" etc (worse things) and then a few days later going through is crap, he would (trying not to cry) say nice things to me, or at one point gave me money... I felt really lonely and horrible and I caught on to this, till this day it's hard for me to hear him say "I love you" to me and believe him.

Now given all of this, if I feel like I'm being abused by my boyfriend and it gets outta hand, I will leave him with a snap of a finger and tell him to go to counseling. If he wants to work something out with me, fine, he still needs to get help for his actions. I can't not just leave someone suffering like that behind without getting any help it's not like me.

In all honesty, I've been shoving all of these feelings down in me... which isn't helpful for me at all. My past still haunts me and I just blank my mind from it, not letting this crap get to me, but it bothers me. I did something just after Christmas while I was at my family. I was sick and tired of my brother putting me down (he is 20) and calling me fat and ugly. I started to freak out one day as my parents were moving because he said something that hurt me, and my mom was standing there. I told him how I felt and what not, he said he was sorry. I have never done that before in my life, I was scared right after when I told him how I felt. My mom stood there and said, okay lets not make this an issue and get over it... right. But, you know it helped me get stuff outta me. Then I told my mom I wanted to go back home and I literally started to cry in front of her, "I'm so sick of being here and I'm sick and tired of it, being called names by my brother I want to go home." Then my dad drove me home.

I can say I have had a lot of things happen to me. But I really want to stop this cycle of abuse and not show it to my kids. I made a promise to myself that I would never treat anyone like that ever.

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Alergnon
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Oh and I almost forgot to say something. hehe. Since my boyfriend is allergic to condoms and I want to practice safer sex with him, I bought the non-latex ones. He also wants me to get lube, so I told him I'll call a sex store in town and ask for their prices on it, at the drug store it was like over 15 dollars for lube I think it'll be cheaper to get it at a sex store.

It was kinda funny because I'm looking at the condoms and I couldn't find non-latex ones so I had to ask a pharmacist if they had any, so I looked at the prices and bought the more packaged ones that were cheaper. I wasn't buying 15 condoms for 15 dollars, what a rip off. Haha. I really am enjoying my boyfriends honesty in sex and his feelings towards me. He also wants to practice safer sex with me because he is so scared that I am pregnant. I'm on the other hand just fine.

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