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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Pregnancy Or No Pregnancy (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Pregnancy Or No Pregnancy
Alergnon
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I've never heard the term word, "reproductive coercion" (i don't know if I can say that word). Do you honestly think that is what is happening. And so I am understand it, does it mean someone trying to control my insides like my reproductive system and abusing it?
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skiesofgreen
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To quote from the article again (so as not to give you a faulty definition)

"reproductive coercion [is] when a partner pressures the other, through verbal threats, physical aggression, or birth-control sabotage, to become pregnant or co-create a pregnancy, which is what it sounds like has been happening here"

What I'm hearing here is birth-control sabotage and an unwillingness to participate in safe sex. And I think, whether or not we classify them as reproductive coercion, are very unsafe and unhealthy things.

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skiesofgreen
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Also I'm stepping out for the night, but I'm sure someone else (hopefully one of the volunteers who are more informed than me on this) can get back to you tonight or tomorrow.
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Alergnon
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I... I really don't know what I should say. I read up online and hmm, I'm shaking and this is so scary. I never thought this would happen to me. I mean, he doesn't seem like an abusive person at all. Just he wants me to have babies with him. And I agreed to it and he told me to not use birth control. I agreed to this as well. Then I started to hmm, think about something and I sent him a txt msg saying I didn't want to do it anymore and he was consistent of having sex without condom and birth control. I then told him I am using birth control and spermicide if him and I decide to have sex, since he is allergic to condoms and now I'm thinking, is he really allergic to them. I am freaking out about this. Honestly no one must know this. I must keep this to myself.
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Alergnon
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I'm really confused. I can't tell people about this. Like, I've been asking him questions in text messages and that telling him how I feel about babies and he is saying okay to the questions and seems fine with it. Should I be worried? Or does this happen? He isn't abusive to me at all, he has never touched me without me saying it's okay he is more afraid to touch than anything.
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coralee
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Hi Algernon, I hope you don't mind if I jump in the conversation. The huge red flag I see here is that your partner wants to get you pregnant, but did not first have a conversation with you about what *you* think about pregnancy & parenting. I admit I am a little confused about what happened with the broken condom. Did he know it was broken, then not not tell you for a few days? That would definitely be a form of abuse in my opinion, one which many would call reproductive coercion. The fact remains, trying to make a partner pregnant without discussing it with her first is a very serious breach of trust. And it is quite possible for someone to do this without being physically, verbally, or sexually abusive. Even repeatedly pressuring a partner to get pregnant is seriously unhealthy.

I don't know what to say about your recent text message exchanges with each other, but text messages are so easy to ignore/leave not fully answered, so the fact that he is saying "ok" to your messages doesn't say much to me at all.

Please know that your reproductive choices are yours to make. You have the right to be on the pill or use another contraceptive, or refuse to have sex without a condom, or use condoms that you provide yourself so you know no-one has put a hole in them, etc. etc. If you want to consider pregnancy that's fine too, but only when you feel you want it and are ready, not because a partner is pressuring you for it. You deserve a partner who respects your reproductive choices.

[ 02-19-2012, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: coralee ]

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Alergnon
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Yes, days later he told me the condom had a hole in it.

I've told him that I'm not ready for a child. He understands that part, at least I think so. Should I trust him?

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coralee
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My opinion is that you should not trust him after what he did. The fact that right now he is willing to listen to your feelings doesn't change what he did before. Pregnancy is not something to be forced on a person, and I don't think you should be in a relationship with a person who doesn't understand this on his own.
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Alergnon
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Yea, your right about the relationship and what not. That I shouldn't trust him after what he did/said to me.

I'll talk to him about this and I'll get back to you on what he said.

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Alergnon
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I asked him if he was trying to dilbertly try to get me pregnant and he said "yes" I'm unsure if I should break off this relationship or not or try and make things better. I'm lost. Any advice.
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Heather
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So, he's outright stated he's trying to engage in reproductive coercion.

That means you can know that you are in what is or is becoming an unhealthy, abusive or controloing relationship.

That also means you need to know that you can't "fix" this relationship. Sometimes someone abusive or controlling will actually admit it and then seek out help and get counseling over years and earnestly learn to stop. It's rare that is successful (rarer still they do it at all), but one of the first things a counselor will tell them is that if they stay within existing relationships where they have abused or controlled like this, they and the relationship are not likely to change and the pattern of the relationship is going to assure change is very unlikely to happen.

I'm just putting those things out there clearly for you to know so that you can look at them when making your choices.

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Alergnon
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I don't know if I should cry over this or how I should feel over this. We're getting into agreements threw text messages. Lame I know.

Well, he asked me what are my signs/symptoms and I said it doesn't matter what they are. Then he got mad and I swore in the text message. Honestly he doesn't have to go through with this I do. I also, keep reminding him that I don't know for sure if I am or not. He doesn't understand this.

I'm so stressed out and if I'm not it's making my period late. And today I am late, considered late for my period. I don't know how I should feel about this. I seem pissed off about this all and it's driving me crazy and the relationship is going to end soon.

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Heather
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I don't think there is any way to feel about this or express your feelings that is or isn't right, save not harming yourself or others in that. You feel however you feel.

But I do think that at the very least, taking some real space away from this guy sounds very necessary. Can you arrange things so that for say, a week, you aren't in contact at all so that you can figure out how you feel, and think about all of this, without having to deal with more of his behaviors, which can really create more static when you need clarity?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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You are right about it and that about taking time away from him. I asked him if we should break up and he said no. Well, I reminded him about what he was trying to do to me and that we should. I don't want to sound harsh in this issue I'm just lost. I know this isn't clarity when there is a possible pregnancy that I still don't know of and dumping my boyfriend/person now.
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Heather
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Well, I don't think asking him what both of you should do is really a route to YOU getting clarity about your own feelings. I also think that when and if there really is a potential pregnancy, that's all the more reason to make and get the space you need to to make very serious decisions, especially if and when someone controlling is involved who did or may have tried to create that situation: that's, at the very least, a very emotionally dangerous situation for you and one that can really derail a life.

So, instead of trying to make a choice about a breakup right now, again, how about taking some space: some time without contact, a short time -- only a week for now, that's nothing, but may be at least enough for you to get some sense of how you feel on your own.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea. Him and I are taking a break now, we agreed on it. Thank You.

I hope he can change.

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Heather
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Well, he's not at all likely to if a) he doesn't want to, b) he doesn't seek out qualified help and c) he doesn't invest a lot of time and energy in that help without d) not being in any relationships where he has tried to control. Like yours.

So, what are you going to do in that week?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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About that week, I have school so I'll do that and I have a co-op placement till 11:30am-4pm to keep my mind off of things. Tomorrow is a holiday- Family Day- I'm going to relax and do homework.

Also, I want to address that my boyfriend is very upset with me and I think we have broke up. He said if I am pregnant that he will be there for me, I don't believe his words on that.

I have a question: How long can a period go without having a period? Like, how many days late, if one isn't pregnant?

I understand I'm only a day late in my period is it safe to continue to take my birth control, started a new pack today?

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Heather
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Well, it seems to me that you do need to spend some of the time during this week thinking about this, rather than being distracted from it, okay?

Not having a period within one day of expecting it isn't late. Even with very regular periods, deviations in cycles of a few days are typical. It's when you are generally regular and it's been more than a few days after you expect a period that we'd consider a period late.

quote:
Also, I want to address that my boyfriend is very upset with me and I think we have broke up. He said if I am pregnant that he will be there for me, I don't believe his words on that.
Happy to talk with you about that, and I think one thing to talk about in that case is if you'd even want him to be, or if that would be a healthy choice for you, especially for you and a maybe-kid.

People who are controlling or abusive not only tend to escalate when a partner is pregnant, they also tend to be the same way with their children.

I do think that someone who reproductively coerces IS likely to stick around if and whena pregnancy happens, because that is what they have been trying to make happen. But I think the "why" when they do is a very important thing to think about. Control isn't love or loyalty, after all.

[ 02-19-2012, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Urgh, I want to swear so badly over this and everything. Maybe I am starting to get very angry over this issue because of what my partner is telling me in text messages. He is like crying and what not, honestly, I can't cry over this, not now, like how can I? I'm afraid to tell people about this. I can't even tell my best guy friend. What is wrong with me like really? I'm messed up. And he is concerned of where my slight pain is located on my stomach, which is below my belly button, stings. I don't know what else to do.
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Heather
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Hang on one sec: has your break started? If so, why is he still sending texts? Or are you talking about previous texts?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea, my break has started.

We're txting each other I know I shouldn't. He wants me to love him. I'm scared because he loves me and I don't believe he does.

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Heather
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When you negotiated a break from contact, were you clear it meant none? If so, can I ask why you're answering or looking at these texts instead of restating your limit once then blocking them?

Here's the thing: if there's still a way for this guy to keep up with the pressuring and control, then there's no break happening, and no way for you to get the space to get started figuring out your own feelings. Now, someone controlling won't want to give you that, since that means they can't keep exerting control, but you have to set and hold these lines yourself.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Okay, Yea I'll stop looking at the text messages. I'll tell him to stop texting me as well.
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Heather
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Just FYI, I just went through and reviewed your posting history to see if I could see more of the big picture here.

I'd forgotten all about this thread: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/2/t/013759.html And this one: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/27/t/026870.html

I don't know if this is the same person or not, but clearly, you've a history you acknowledge includes some pretty unhealthy/unhappy choices when it comes to sexual partners. Looking at just the history in the posts you've made here, it seems to me that you may be finding yourself in one of those places in life we do sometimes where you have a real opportunity to break some unhealthy patterns and really move away from them or to just get stuck even more in them, which I think we can both agree is not at all likely to serve you.

Are you still seeing the counselor you were a couple months ago? If so, are you filling them in on any of this honestly?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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No, it's not the same person it's a different person.

Yea, I'm still seeing her and I've never told her about my sexual partners.

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Heather
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Why not? It seems clear from these posts and what you say in them that managing this part of your life has been hard for you to do in a way you feel good about and that results in healthy relationships.

(Obviously, you don't have to answer that, but I'm curious, since it seems to me that not disclosing any of this to anyone who can help you well may be kind of sabotaging yourself in it and making sure you stay stuck instead of moving towards sexual relationships and interactions that are more healthy and work out better for you if that's what you want. Since you've talked about not just wanting to become a parent, but to do so soon, I assume that if nothing else, you want that part of your life at least a little more together so you could do that in a way that's not a total disaster for you and kid.)

[ 02-19-2012, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Because I am afraid that something will happen if I say something and I find when I say things out loud I feel like it's completely wrong.

I was able to tell a really good friend about what is happening she told me I shouldn't be in a relationship like that and it's scary. I don't know what to think of it all.

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Heather
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You know, it seems to me like when you have even just a little space to think for yourself, and also trust your gut instincts, you seem pretty spot-on. For instance, you said in another posts you saw red flags with this from the start: even though some things seemed like they could be okay, you seemed clear some things felt iffy.

From what I can tell, saying something about all of this to someone qualified to really help you probably could make something happen, but the something that seems likely to happen to me is you getting more clarity and more support so you can turn some patterns that haven't served you well around, creating positive changes.

Now, I don't know how you feel about that: sometimes any change can feel scary, even positive change.

But from where I'm sitting, it looks a lot scarier NOT to make some of those changes soon than to take steps to make them, you know? Getting stuck in a life with these kinds of patterns in it -- and if and when some of these choices result in a pregnancy, it becomes a whole lot harder to get UNstuck -- just seems like it's getting pretty likely unless you really do turn all of this around, and it sounds to me like getting real help doing that is going to be essential.

How about taking a positive risk in this case? Clearly, you know about taking risks and have taken plenty, but some of them seem like the kind where they haven't been risks likely to benefit you. Disclosing all of this to someone qualified and trustworthy seems like the kind of risk taking would be smart.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea I've taken many risks in my life. My life hasn't been all great. Honestly, my life is complicated and now this happening to me because of my actions, it's my fault, not just my fault but my boyfriend/partner. My friend who I told I may be pregnant she told me she feels sorry for me because things are keep happening to me. Yes, I understand things have been happening to me. To make more recent issues I had; A major one is I OD two months ago. I know it's really bad considering my mental health in all of this and a possible pregnancy, I fear getting that pregnancy depression thing. Another thing, my marks aren't that great last term I failed 1 class out of 3 classes.

My life seems so damn great to others but no I don't have money nor a healthy mental state. Others around me, the school I go to, everyone takes things for granted, like really, try living off government assist. I go to school full time have no job and I may be pregnant, welcome to my world of hell.

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Heather
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Well, it doesn't sound great to me. It sounds like it's been really hard and that you've been through a lot. I understand, too, that it can feel really isolating to be in spots like this if and when you're surrounded by other people who are or seem to be doing a lot better (and I hear you: when you're living off of assistance and others around you aren't, it's very hard not to feel like crap).

I don't think talking about fault is helpful right now, honestly. Responsibility, maybe, but even more so, how about we talk choices?

Like I said earlier, it looks to me like you're in a spot where some choices you make right now could either keep you stuck, make things get even worse, or potentially change things for the better.

So, how about this: do you want and feel ready for things to change for the better, to change things for the better and to start making different choices so they can? Might sound like a dumb question, but I think it's pretty much *the* place to start right now.

[ 02-19-2012, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea, sure can we talk about choices.

I have a question(s) about some stuff. Okay, it's not a period it's brown discharged that I found in my underwear when I woke up, it stopped. Because there wasn't any on the toilet paper. Could this mean I am pregnant. A few days before below my belly button I had stinging for a day and a half. I know I should do a test and I am doing a test Wednesday for my doctor. Any help would help.

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Heather
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When are you expecting your period? Is it late at this point? I'm not sure what a stinging below your belly button could be about, but in very early pregnancy, there usually aren't any symptoms at all: a missed period is usually the very first thing anyone notices.

In terms of your choices, it seems to me that right now, the two most important steps you could take that could help you start to get unstuck are a) sticking with that hard break with this person, no contact, no nothing, and b) disclosing the things you've posted here about your sexual life to your therapist so that they -- who likely know the bigger picture of you and your life besides this big, missing piece -- can help you, probably a lot better than they've been able to so far, because not knowing all of this is a pretty big thing not to know.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I was suppose to have a period sometime last week, never came. I am 2 days late. I am still taking my birth control pills started the new pack yesterday.

I know I have choices and I know these choices are hard to do. Once I find out what is going on with me I'll make an appointment with my therapist and talk to her about it all.

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Heather
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I know they're hard. And if you want to talk at all from a more personal place, I'm happy to do that. I've been through disclosing tough things like these to a therapist myself when I was in my teens, have also spent a lot of my life struggling, financially and otherwise. I know it's hard to turn it all around, or even address some of it -- heck, even say some of it out loud -- but I find it's also one of those things where once you just get it all out there, that alone creates some good things and helps you feel a lot better and more capable of tacking all this tough stuff.

Do you usually get your withdrawal bleed during your placebo week?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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