posted
If it turns out positive I know my options but I'm unsure where to go with it. My beliefs and values have been changing as I think about it more and more. I could terminate the pregnancy or keep going with it. If I terminate the pregnancy then a new set of emotions and feelings will arise. If I keep the pregnancy again feelings will arise. I could keep it, give it up or give it to the father or his family. Which would make more feelings arise.
I keep thinking to myself why should I deserve this, maybe it's meant to be or it could be just a mistake. Whatever it turns out I'll just continue with my life with or without a wall in my way, baby or no baby there will always be that wall.
I'm unsure how I'm suppose to feel about this all. The test could be negative then what? Could I have a life without temptation and sex?
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Algernon: you're asking some big questions here and I'm feeling pretty out of the loop.
Happy to talk with you about this, but can you toss me some context? Thanks.
(Also, are we dealing with an actual pregnancy right now? If not, have you tested yet?)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I don't know if I am pregnant or not, my period is suppose to be due in a few days by this week.
Sorry about the context. I keep getting feelings rather harsh ones about kill it if I am, or just have it or if I should give it up or keep it. It's just hard. I know I shouldn't stress over this. Yea, the condom broke and I wasn't on birth control for 3 months and I missed 3 days in a row so my chances of protection is very low.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Well, I'm not comfortable talking about termination as killing anything, particularly from an accurate medical perspective, the perspective I'm going to come to any kind of healthcare through.
But I also think it's often best to hold out on options discussions when there is a scare until you know if you are pregnant or not, particularly since actually being pregnant vs. the idea of it can often radically change people's feelings in any given direction.
So, I'd prefer to wait on that until you test and get a positive result, okay?
In the meantime, you are asking about a "life without temptation and sex," and I'm not sure what that's about, same goes with what you're saying about a wall. I feel lost, but if you can make some sense of that for me, we can probably talk about those feelings productively.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
What I mean about "life without temptation and sex" I mean, how can I make my temptations for sex less and not give in, like I don't give in nor I'm not forced to have sex, I have sex on my own terms.
The wall means I hit a wall and I'm unsure of what to do. I know I should wait for the tests to come back.
I have another question while I was at the doctors they found I had blood in my urine and they sent it off to a lab, could I of contracted something from sex that's causing blood in my urine?
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Well, if and when we're forced to have sex, that's not about us "giving in." That's about someone else overpowering us or refusing to allow us a choice. That's a very different discussion than if and when we want to engage in sex but feel we should choose not to, and make the choice to do so against our better judgment.
Can you do the latter? Of course. Pretty much anyone can (I qualify that b/c some people have impulse control disorders which make that less cut and dried). And while we can't control having a desire for sex, we certainly can control what, if any, actions we take with those desires.
Do you feel like you're having trouble doing that? If so, can you tell me a bit about that?
Blood in urine can happen for a whole host of reasons. But it's most likely to be about your bladder or kidneys (like, that can happen from untreated UTIs) than from any STIs, especially as a person who doesn't have a penis.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Oh okay. So, it could be just a bladder infection or a kidney infection. I hope it's not a kidney infection... my friend had one recently and she was throwing up and was in the hospital.
Yea, I just want to not have sexual urges like everyone gets them just it's hard to resist.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Well, do you want to talk about that lastbit?
Usually when we don't want to feel something, it's because feeling that way causes us pain or discomfort. Can you fill me in on what you find painful or uncomfortable about those feelings?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I don't know for a while I used to sleep with guys no boyfriend just one night stands and I did that to fill an empty void inside of me. Feeling of loneliness. I regretted it after the fact I never enjoyed having sex. I just did it to feel better but in the end I was more hurt than anything.
Now, I'm in a relationship and it has changed a lot. I don't have sex for those reasons anymore. I never regretted having sex after with my boyfriend.
Not sure if I sound confused or not.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
So, sounds to me like the thing there you weren't battling wasn't about sexual desires at all. In other words, it was feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem that drove you to make those sexual choices. Does that sound right?
I say that not just because what you've said makes that sound very clear to me, but earnest sexual desire usually doesn't feel like that.
But if I'm hearing you right, you're saying that that was in the past, but now you do feel earnest sexual desire, aren't motivated by sex for the same reasons you used to be, and you also..DO want to be engaging in sex with the partner you're currently sexually active with?
If I have all that right, I guess I'm feeling confused again when I circle back to the top of this, where you're asking about a life without sex and temptation.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Yea it's confusing a bit. Just I don't want to have a kid at my age, 18, because it's so much to deal with and although he is 21 he's in the same situation as I am in, money issues. Well, I just want to spend time with him without having a good time during sex all the time. If it makes sense.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
So, are you saying that you feel like the amount of time and energy spent with sex in your relationship is more than feels right to you or you worry it could become that way?
And are you also saying you simply do not want to become pregnant any time soon? With the latter, we could certainly have a talk about reliable methods of contraception. When someone is using dual contraception, for instance, and using it well, with any two reliable methods, pregnancy truly is so unlikely as to almost be a nonissue.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I worry that it may come that way in the relationship having sex to much etc.
I don't want to be pregnant anytime soon. What is dual contraception? Is that hmm, two or more methods of birth control?
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Has it yet? If not, have you talked about those concerns with your partner?
And yep: dual contraception simply means using more than one reliable method, every time. ANY two methods combined, even in typical use give over 93% protection, and in perfect use, almost all are at or around 98% or more when combined. And that's for each year of use, not each time.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Well, I spent the night twice at his place and both time we had intercourse. First time it happened while at his place I found out the condom broke but yea. I understand why it broke then had intercourse again a few days ago. So, now I'm just waiting for next week for a pregnancy test.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Gotcha. You know, if you like, in the menatime, having earlier worked out how to use condoms properly, we could certainly talk about the option of a second method for you. Sure sounds like that would help you with some of this.
But I also think talking abut some of these other concerns candidly with your partner will help. maybe think of it as one of the bonuses of coming to sex in a healthier way than you have in the past: this isn't about desperation or loneliness, it's about really being with someone else. So, when that's the case, letting them in on what you're thinking and feeling is a really important part of developing that kind of intimacy, not to mention important when it comes to just taking good care of yourself and your emotional needs.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Someone brought to my attention about doing the patch and having to change it once a week rather than taking and remember a pill everyday the same time each day.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
There are a lot of options besides the pill and condoms. If you'd like something you don't have to think about or do every day, or at the time of sex, you've got the patch, the ring, Depo shots, the implant or the IUD. All options that fit those bills.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I'm heading off work for the night, but happy to pick any of this conversation back up with you tomorrow.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hello, It's been a few days since I last asked for advice and I'm back again with more information. I read the IUD and I think I'm not able to get that due to my health issues; diabetic.
Well, technically I'll be considered late tomorrow and I'm experiencing a lot of weird things happening to me. We had sex which the condom broke on the 9th-10thish somewhere in that time frame. Well, I woke up with a really bad stomach ache that went from somewhat okay to now, it's killing me, it stings and it's below my belly button in the middle of right side. I also am peeing a lot. twice an hour. My back started to hurt a few hours ago and I threw up in my mouth and I have really horrible heartburn. This all started today not at once but gradually.
Myself and boyfriend, well my boyfriend told me he is allergic to the condoms so, he wants to do the "pull out" method. I don't know at this point I don't care because I feel like I am pregnant and once I am I can't get pregnant again, right?
Also, I've never get any of these symptoms that I'm having now, I don't get anything before, on or after my period. Now, I'm experiencing all of this and it's bugging me because I really don't know how to deal with it. I don't have any tynol or anything for pain.
Thank You for taking your time and I know I should know for sure if I am pregnant and then look for help after.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
First thing first please know that even if you were pregnant you wouldn't be experiencing symptoms this early on. The earliest and most accurate symptom you can have is a missed period. So until you get some conformation as to whether or not you are pregnant (including a pregnancy test which you can take once your period is late) I don't think it's safe to act as though you are already pregnant. While you can't get pregnant "again" if you are already pregnant you can certainly get pregnant now if the last instance did not create a pregnancy. Get my drift?
That said the symptoms you are describing are probably something you should check in with a doctor about. While not related to pregnancy they definitely don't sound like something you should just ignore. Pain, combined with blood in your urine and frequent urination is NOT something you should just wait out.
As for condoms has your boyfriend been diagnosed with a latex allergy (what people usually mean when they say they are allergic to condoms)? If so, know you can get non-latex condoms. Also I'm concerned that your boyfriend is suggesting using the least effective method of birth control (withdrawal, or pulling out) when you're clearly displaying a lot of anxiety over a possible pregnancy. Do you feel able to speak up about safer sex with your boyfriend?
posted
Also would you like info on any of the other birth control options Heather mentioned up there, or any other kind for that matter?
Posts: 196 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
And when you've had those talks how have they gone? Has he listened to your concerns? Have you discussed getting non-latex condoms?
Also please know that spemicides are one of the least effective methods of birth control, even with perfect use. If you don't want to become pregnant I wouldn't suggest relying on that alone.
posted
Can I ask whether, if, as you've been expressing here, you're very sure you do not want to become pregnant and cannot handle a pregnancy at this point, you think the level of risk presented with using spermicides alone is something you feel comfortable with?
If not how do you feel about stepping back from kinds of sex that present a risk of creating pregnancy until we figure out a type of birth control that is reliable and is likely to work for you, whether that's something completely different from spermicide or something you use with spermicide to help decrease your risk?
posted
I am currently on the Nuvaring, which is a ring you insert into your vagina and leave it there for 3 weeks. You take it out after 3 weeks, then have your period. After a week of it being out, you put another one it for 3 weeks. And, so on and so on. I believe I've heard that you can take it out as long as you don't leave it out for over 3 hours. It has worked for me so far. But, if you feel uncomfortable messing around down there, it might not be the best choice.
I've been on the Depo shot as well. The only downside I found with it is that once you come off of it, it may take a while for your period to return. And, if you have sex often, it may give you pregnancy scares, with or without a condom.
posted
okay so this was in the other thread so I'm re-posting it here since someone told me to keep talking in this thread so everyone is up to date with it... here it is:
I'm in a really great relationship just this may sound outta sort and messed up so bare with me, please. I don't want to be judged at all or told what I should and shouldn't do, I just need advice and guidance, if possible.
One issue I want to address is I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2-3 weeks now and things are great, don't get me wrong, it's just a bit weird. Well, we had intercourse and that. Well, the condom broke, what a surprise that was. Well, thing is he keeps asking me if he is good enough like sex and what he looks like, etc., and I tell him he is fine and he is perfect the way he is. He feels he is lacking sex, like he isn't good enough like my other partners. I tell him he is better, he is.
Second issue is, he lost his VCard to me (his virginity) and he is now in love with me. I don't want to sound weird but I'm not sure if I'm at the same level as he is right now with love. I like him a lot just I want to know him better.
Third issue is, he was worried and happy that I may be pregnant. Don't know yet. Well, he says it will make him happy like he wants my child and babies. I don't find it weird at all for him saying that to me. What I find weird is him wanting to start a family with me this early in my relationship with him, our relationship.
Fifth issue is, I asked him a question if he was trying to get me pregnant and he said yes. Well, he is allergic to condoms and I said fine we use spermicide and my birth control. He said okay. Then he proposes to me asking me if we can have completely unprotected sex. I had asked why. He then told me he wants to inpergnantant me.
Sixth issue is, he wants to marry me and have my babies like I said before, and such.
Okay to put this in a more understanding... of how I'm feeling about all of this. 1) I'm unsure if I am pregnant. 2) If people found out I "tried" for a baby I think my Church would go all weird and such 3) If this got out I would be so lost and confused. 4) I want a baby 5) I don't know how to handle this all.
The truth is I want the unprotected sex with my boyfriend and I want to get pregnant.
He is 21. I am 18. I'm in my last year of high school.
Please after reading this don't think I'm betraying anyone or the possible baby.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Thanks for moving over. I linked you to the article on the other one because I heard you making some statements about wanting a child and thought it might help you take a serious look at whether that's a good idea for you at this point in your life. Also the financial situation is different in Canada (I'm Canadian myself) but for the most part the points brought up in the article largely carry over.
Also what you're saying here doesn't seem to line up with you saying that your boyfriend is respecting your wishes about birth control. I'm hearing you say that he has actively tried to get you pregnant without having first talked to you about that and when you seem (in your posts before this one) to very much not want to become pregnant. That is NOT listening to you and is a HUGE red flag. Actively trying to make someone pregnant without their consent is not Ok.
Also I'm hearing some things that strike me as a little odd when it comes to his level of attachment. While feelings develop at different rates for different people when we're taking about real, earnest love that involves respecting each other (in ways like discussing pregnancy before trying to make one), understanding and active care for the other person, that sort of deep connection doesn't usually happen in a space of weeks. Furthermore, while having sex can evoke strong emotions for some people that, in and of itself, is not tantamount to love. I hear you expressing some uneasiness about his eagerness around this, and that you're not sure you really feel the same so soon. Is that right? Do you want to talk about that more?
Also I'm a little confused by you expressing that you now want to become pregnant when you previously said you didn't think this was a good idea. Can you fill me in a little more on why you feel you want to get pregnant and what you think that reality would look like for you now and in the future (if you were to bring the pregnancy to term)?
posted
At first I found it odd and strange that he was asking me about babies at first then I began to think about it. When him and I had sex when the condom broke I wasn't worried at all getting pregnant. Next thing I know he started to ask me about having babies with him after the sex. Then days later he told me the condom broke/ripped. I was mad at first and betrayed but then I just can't keep those feelings and forgave him and told him I wasn't mad at him for it. He said there was a hole in the condom days after he telling me about babies. I thought it was odd at first then I thought it was normal. Then he started to say he loves me. I thought this was really weird and off, because only one person I've been with (been with many guys) he told me he loved me and he did. And my boyfriend telling me he loves me made me weird everywhere. Then I started to except this fact because I can't control what people feel. So it's outta my control.
Myself and boyfriend talked about babies for a bit, not a long few months but days about having a baby. I said I'm not ready. So, then he kept putting the idea into my head and then me thinking about that condom breaking again, I told him I may be pregnant anyways from the condom breaking. He also told me many times that he will be there for me and support me. Thing is I'm afraid he may leave me. Like he pushed the subject on me about me leaving him what if he left me? My future honestly, I don't know what it would do to my future.
I have issues and I know I use sex to help my issues, this time I didn't use sex to help my issues, I truly used sex for pleasure and fun.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Am I right in understanding he either put a hole in the condom, or knew the condom had a hole/had torn, and did not tell you until afterwards?
I'm hearing a lot of concern from you about the way he's been acting, and I think trusting those gut instincts is wise. When we feel betrayed or uneasy in a situation that's usually our minds way or telling us there's something to be uneasy about. And I definitely feel your gut instinct is right here. His behaviour is Not normal, and certainly not healthy.
Making decisions to impregnate someone (or attempt to) without their consent is not healthy behaviour. It shows a real lack of consideration and concern for your well being (you who would have to deal with the consequences of being impregnated, not him) and, to be completely frank if that's ok, is dishonest and manipulative.
I'm picking up some really big red flags here, with him ignoring your opinion on contraception, him pushing the subject of pregnancy after only having been with you for three weeks (and with you not showing any previous interest in becoming pregnant right now), and his sudden attachment to you. These strike me as things that you SHOULD feel uneasy about. I think your instinct is spot on here.
Also, while his emotions are out of your control I think it's important to remember that how you react to him and the decisions you make about being in this relationship are not. You still have choices, and a right to make them.
How do you feel about what I've said here, is it lining up to what you're experiencing?
Edit: am I also right in understanding that your current desire to become pregnant is largely coming from him pressuring you to become pregnant?
posted
No, he didn't put a hole in the condom. I put it on myself. He told me a few days later that the condom had a ripped and then today he told me it had a hole in it... It was too late for Plan B since it was a few hours off but the nurse still gave it to me.
I'm so lost in what to do now. Like, he did push the topic of babies in my head and he would talk about it all the time. Like, I just don't know.
He ignoring my desire for safer sex isn't an option for him and/or me apparently.
I honestly, have been thinking not 100% though but If I am pregnant and I find out something else, I swear he wont be in the baby's life. I seem harsh and nasty about that I just don't know what I should really do. I can't have an abortion.
Something else that makes me wonder when I was over at his place twice, he never really made eye contact or kissed me back. He never really did anything fun with me, besides the sex.
Then, today he told me he lost his virginity to me and then him telling me he wants to be with me and have his babies and me having his babies. I told him that I didn't want to have a baby with him then he told me he was fine with it that we can still be together and me loving him. Then he asked me if we can get married in the Summer. I said I didn't know. I told him I wanted to date him for a few more months.
I don't know if I should break this off before finding out what is going on with me. Is this considered rape? Like, I agreed to sex but him not telling me about the condom isn't there a word(s) for that, like with holding information from me?
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
The term you're looking for here is reproductive coercion which is abusive and not something that should be present in any relationship.
I know you're saying you're worried about leaving without figuring out what's going on, but I think we do know what's going on (or at least enough to make a good decision). This person is clearly not respecting you or your decisions and is not giving you the option to make reproductive choices of your own by with holding information from you until it is too late for you to do anything.
"What I want for you -- what I want for everyone -- is a partner who respects you and who cares for you. Honoring our feelings about when and if to have sex and make babies is pretty ground-zero stuff as far as both those things go. .....
Reproductive coercion is considered a serious abuse, and I think that's sound. Our right, whatever our gender, to decide if and when, to the degree we can control it, we want to become pregnant or co-create a pregnancy and to become parents is a vital, essential human right. This is also an issue where another tiny person can potentially come into play who doesn't get any choices."
Edit: also wanting to get married to someone after only three weeks is not something I see as healthy behaviour. Marriage (for most people) is a very serious, and generally intended to be longterm, commitment. I don't think this is the sort of thing that is healthy to be discussing 3 weeks into a relationship. Again I'm getting some red flags about this guy and, from your posts, I think you are to. How do you feel about taking steps to get away from him?
posted
I've never heard the term word, "reproductive coercion" (i don't know if I can say that word). Do you honestly think that is what is happening. And so I am understand it, does it mean someone trying to control my insides like my reproductive system and abusing it?
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
To quote from the article again (so as not to give you a faulty definition)
"reproductive coercion [is] when a partner pressures the other, through verbal threats, physical aggression, or birth-control sabotage, to become pregnant or co-create a pregnancy, which is what it sounds like has been happening here"
What I'm hearing here is birth-control sabotage and an unwillingness to participate in safe sex. And I think, whether or not we classify them as reproductive coercion, are very unsafe and unhealthy things.
Posts: 196 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
Also I'm stepping out for the night, but I'm sure someone else (hopefully one of the volunteers who are more informed than me on this) can get back to you tonight or tomorrow.
Posts: 196 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I... I really don't know what I should say. I read up online and hmm, I'm shaking and this is so scary. I never thought this would happen to me. I mean, he doesn't seem like an abusive person at all. Just he wants me to have babies with him. And I agreed to it and he told me to not use birth control. I agreed to this as well. Then I started to hmm, think about something and I sent him a txt msg saying I didn't want to do it anymore and he was consistent of having sex without condom and birth control. I then told him I am using birth control and spermicide if him and I decide to have sex, since he is allergic to condoms and now I'm thinking, is he really allergic to them. I am freaking out about this. Honestly no one must know this. I must keep this to myself.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
I'm really confused. I can't tell people about this. Like, I've been asking him questions in text messages and that telling him how I feel about babies and he is saying okay to the questions and seems fine with it. Should I be worried? Or does this happen? He isn't abusive to me at all, he has never touched me without me saying it's okay he is more afraid to touch than anything.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Hi Algernon, I hope you don't mind if I jump in the conversation. The huge red flag I see here is that your partner wants to get you pregnant, but did not first have a conversation with you about what *you* think about pregnancy & parenting. I admit I am a little confused about what happened with the broken condom. Did he know it was broken, then not not tell you for a few days? That would definitely be a form of abuse in my opinion, one which many would call reproductive coercion. The fact remains, trying to make a partner pregnant without discussing it with her first is a very serious breach of trust. And it is quite possible for someone to do this without being physically, verbally, or sexually abusive. Even repeatedly pressuring a partner to get pregnant is seriously unhealthy.
I don't know what to say about your recent text message exchanges with each other, but text messages are so easy to ignore/leave not fully answered, so the fact that he is saying "ok" to your messages doesn't say much to me at all.
Please know that your reproductive choices are yours to make. You have the right to be on the pill or use another contraceptive, or refuse to have sex without a condom, or use condoms that you provide yourself so you know no-one has put a hole in them, etc. etc. If you want to consider pregnancy that's fine too, but only when you feel you want it and are ready, not because a partner is pressuring you for it. You deserve a partner who respects your reproductive choices.
posted
Yes, days later he told me the condom had a hole in it.
I've told him that I'm not ready for a child. He understands that part, at least I think so. Should I trust him?
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
My opinion is that you should not trust him after what he did. The fact that right now he is willing to listen to your feelings doesn't change what he did before. Pregnancy is not something to be forced on a person, and I don't think you should be in a relationship with a person who doesn't understand this on his own.
Posts: 143 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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posted
I asked him if he was trying to dilbertly try to get me pregnant and he said "yes" I'm unsure if I should break off this relationship or not or try and make things better. I'm lost. Any advice.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
So, he's outright stated he's trying to engage in reproductive coercion.
That means you can know that you are in what is or is becoming an unhealthy, abusive or controloing relationship.
That also means you need to know that you can't "fix" this relationship. Sometimes someone abusive or controlling will actually admit it and then seek out help and get counseling over years and earnestly learn to stop. It's rare that is successful (rarer still they do it at all), but one of the first things a counselor will tell them is that if they stay within existing relationships where they have abused or controlled like this, they and the relationship are not likely to change and the pattern of the relationship is going to assure change is very unlikely to happen.
I'm just putting those things out there clearly for you to know so that you can look at them when making your choices.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I don't know if I should cry over this or how I should feel over this. We're getting into agreements threw text messages. Lame I know.
Well, he asked me what are my signs/symptoms and I said it doesn't matter what they are. Then he got mad and I swore in the text message. Honestly he doesn't have to go through with this I do. I also, keep reminding him that I don't know for sure if I am or not. He doesn't understand this.
I'm so stressed out and if I'm not it's making my period late. And today I am late, considered late for my period. I don't know how I should feel about this. I seem pissed off about this all and it's driving me crazy and the relationship is going to end soon.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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I don't think there is any way to feel about this or express your feelings that is or isn't right, save not harming yourself or others in that. You feel however you feel.
But I do think that at the very least, taking some real space away from this guy sounds very necessary. Can you arrange things so that for say, a week, you aren't in contact at all so that you can figure out how you feel, and think about all of this, without having to deal with more of his behaviors, which can really create more static when you need clarity?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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You are right about it and that about taking time away from him. I asked him if we should break up and he said no. Well, I reminded him about what he was trying to do to me and that we should. I don't want to sound harsh in this issue I'm just lost. I know this isn't clarity when there is a possible pregnancy that I still don't know of and dumping my boyfriend/person now.
Posts: 505 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
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Well, I don't think asking him what both of you should do is really a route to YOU getting clarity about your own feelings. I also think that when and if there really is a potential pregnancy, that's all the more reason to make and get the space you need to to make very serious decisions, especially if and when someone controlling is involved who did or may have tried to create that situation: that's, at the very least, a very emotionally dangerous situation for you and one that can really derail a life.
So, instead of trying to make a choice about a breakup right now, again, how about taking some space: some time without contact, a short time -- only a week for now, that's nothing, but may be at least enough for you to get some sense of how you feel on your own.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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