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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Pregnancy Or No Pregnancy (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Pregnancy Or No Pregnancy
Alergnon
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If it turns out positive I know my options but I'm unsure where to go with it. My beliefs and values have been changing as I think about it more and more. I could terminate the pregnancy or keep going with it. If I terminate the pregnancy then a new set of emotions and feelings will arise. If I keep the pregnancy again feelings will arise. I could keep it, give it up or give it to the father or his family. Which would make more feelings arise.

I keep thinking to myself why should I deserve this, maybe it's meant to be or it could be just a mistake. Whatever it turns out I'll just continue with my life with or without a wall in my way, baby or no baby there will always be that wall.

I'm unsure how I'm suppose to feel about this all. The test could be negative then what? Could I have a life without temptation and sex?

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Heather
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Algernon: you're asking some big questions here and I'm feeling pretty out of the loop.

Happy to talk with you about this, but can you toss me some context? Thanks. [Smile]

(Also, are we dealing with an actual pregnancy right now? If not, have you tested yet?)

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Alergnon
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I don't know if I am pregnant or not, my period is suppose to be due in a few days by this week.

Sorry about the context. I keep getting feelings rather harsh ones about kill it if I am, or just have it or if I should give it up or keep it. It's just hard. I know I shouldn't stress over this. Yea, the condom broke and I wasn't on birth control for 3 months and I missed 3 days in a row so my chances of protection is very low.

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Alergnon
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Oh, and I'm being tested next week.
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Heather
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Well, I'm not comfortable talking about termination as killing anything, particularly from an accurate medical perspective, the perspective I'm going to come to any kind of healthcare through.

But I also think it's often best to hold out on options discussions when there is a scare until you know if you are pregnant or not, particularly since actually being pregnant vs. the idea of it can often radically change people's feelings in any given direction.

So, I'd prefer to wait on that until you test and get a positive result, okay?

In the meantime, you are asking about a "life without temptation and sex," and I'm not sure what that's about, same goes with what you're saying about a wall. I feel lost, but if you can make some sense of that for me, we can probably talk about those feelings productively.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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What I mean about "life without temptation and sex" I mean, how can I make my temptations for sex less and not give in, like I don't give in nor I'm not forced to have sex, I have sex on my own terms.

The wall means I hit a wall and I'm unsure of what to do. I know I should wait for the tests to come back.

I have another question while I was at the doctors they found I had blood in my urine and they sent it off to a lab, could I of contracted something from sex that's causing blood in my urine?

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Heather
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Well, if and when we're forced to have sex, that's not about us "giving in." That's about someone else overpowering us or refusing to allow us a choice. That's a very different discussion than if and when we want to engage in sex but feel we should choose not to, and make the choice to do so against our better judgment.

Can you do the latter? Of course. Pretty much anyone can (I qualify that b/c some people have impulse control disorders which make that less cut and dried). And while we can't control having a desire for sex, we certainly can control what, if any, actions we take with those desires.

Do you feel like you're having trouble doing that? If so, can you tell me a bit about that?

Blood in urine can happen for a whole host of reasons. But it's most likely to be about your bladder or kidneys (like, that can happen from untreated UTIs) than from any STIs, especially as a person who doesn't have a penis.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Oh okay. So, it could be just a bladder infection or a kidney infection. I hope it's not a kidney infection... my friend had one recently and she was throwing up and was in the hospital.

Yea, I just want to not have sexual urges like everyone gets them just it's hard to resist.

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Heather
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Well, do you want to talk about that lastbit?

Usually when we don't want to feel something, it's because feeling that way causes us pain or discomfort. Can you fill me in on what you find painful or uncomfortable about those feelings?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I don't know for a while I used to sleep with guys no boyfriend just one night stands and I did that to fill an empty void inside of me. Feeling of loneliness. I regretted it after the fact I never enjoyed having sex. I just did it to feel better but in the end I was more hurt than anything.

Now, I'm in a relationship and it has changed a lot. I don't have sex for those reasons anymore. I never regretted having sex after with my boyfriend.

Not sure if I sound confused or not.

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Heather
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So, sounds to me like the thing there you weren't battling wasn't about sexual desires at all. In other words, it was feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem that drove you to make those sexual choices. Does that sound right?

I say that not just because what you've said makes that sound very clear to me, but earnest sexual desire usually doesn't feel like that.

But if I'm hearing you right, you're saying that that was in the past, but now you do feel earnest sexual desire, aren't motivated by sex for the same reasons you used to be, and you also..DO want to be engaging in sex with the partner you're currently sexually active with?

If I have all that right, I guess I'm feeling confused again when I circle back to the top of this, where you're asking about a life without sex and temptation.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea it's confusing a bit. Just I don't want to have a kid at my age, 18, because it's so much to deal with and although he is 21 he's in the same situation as I am in, money issues. Well, I just want to spend time with him without having a good time during sex all the time. If it makes sense.
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Heather
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So, are you saying that you feel like the amount of time and energy spent with sex in your relationship is more than feels right to you or you worry it could become that way?

And are you also saying you simply do not want to become pregnant any time soon? With the latter, we could certainly have a talk about reliable methods of contraception. When someone is using dual contraception, for instance, and using it well, with any two reliable methods, pregnancy truly is so unlikely as to almost be a nonissue.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I worry that it may come that way in the relationship having sex to much etc.

I don't want to be pregnant anytime soon. What is dual contraception? Is that hmm, two or more methods of birth control?

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Heather
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Has it yet? If not, have you talked about those concerns with your partner?

And yep: dual contraception simply means using more than one reliable method, every time. ANY two methods combined, even in typical use give over 93% protection, and in perfect use, almost all are at or around 98% or more when combined. And that's for each year of use, not each time.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Oh okay. Makes sense.

Well, I spent the night twice at his place and both time we had intercourse. First time it happened while at his place I found out the condom broke but yea. I understand why it broke then had intercourse again a few days ago. So, now I'm just waiting for next week for a pregnancy test.

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Heather
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Gotcha. You know, if you like, in the menatime, having earlier worked out how to use condoms properly, we could certainly talk about the option of a second method for you. Sure sounds like that would help you with some of this.

But I also think talking abut some of these other concerns candidly with your partner will help. maybe think of it as one of the bonuses of coming to sex in a healthier way than you have in the past: this isn't about desperation or loneliness, it's about really being with someone else. So, when that's the case, letting them in on what you're thinking and feeling is a really important part of developing that kind of intimacy, not to mention important when it comes to just taking good care of yourself and your emotional needs.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea sure.

Someone brought to my attention about doing the patch and having to change it once a week rather than taking and remember a pill everyday the same time each day.

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Heather
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There are a lot of options besides the pill and condoms. If you'd like something you don't have to think about or do every day, or at the time of sex, you've got the patch, the ring, Depo shots, the implant or the IUD. All options that fit those bills.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Okay. What is the IUD? Never really knew what that was and what implant?
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Heather
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I'd forgotten the implant still isn't available in Canada yet, so scratch that one.

Here's info for you on IUDs: Intrauterine Devices (IUD, IUC or IUS)

I'm heading off work for the night, but happy to pick any of this conversation back up with you tomorrow. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hello,
It's been a few days since I last asked for advice and I'm back again with more information. I read the IUD and I think I'm not able to get that due to my health issues; diabetic.

Well, technically I'll be considered late tomorrow and I'm experiencing a lot of weird things happening to me. We had sex which the condom broke on the 9th-10thish somewhere in that time frame. Well, I woke up with a really bad stomach ache that went from somewhat okay to now, it's killing me, it stings and it's below my belly button in the middle of right side. I also am peeing a lot. twice an hour. My back started to hurt a few hours ago and I threw up in my mouth and I have really horrible heartburn. This all started today not at once but gradually.

Myself and boyfriend, well my boyfriend told me he is allergic to the condoms so, he wants to do the "pull out" method. I don't know at this point I don't care because I feel like I am pregnant and once I am I can't get pregnant again, right?

Also, I've never get any of these symptoms that I'm having now, I don't get anything before, on or after my period. Now, I'm experiencing all of this and it's bugging me because I really don't know how to deal with it. I don't have any tynol or anything for pain.

Thank You for taking your time and I know I should know for sure if I am pregnant and then look for help after.

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skiesofgreen
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First thing first please know that even if you were pregnant you wouldn't be experiencing symptoms this early on. The earliest and most accurate symptom you can have is a missed period. So until you get some conformation as to whether or not you are pregnant (including a pregnancy test which you can take once your period is late) I don't think it's safe to act as though you are already pregnant. While you can't get pregnant "again" if you are already pregnant you can certainly get pregnant now if the last instance did not create a pregnancy. Get my drift?

That said the symptoms you are describing are probably something you should check in with a doctor about. While not related to pregnancy they definitely don't sound like something you should just ignore. Pain, combined with blood in your urine and frequent urination is NOT something you should just wait out.

As for condoms has your boyfriend been diagnosed with a latex allergy (what people usually mean when they say they are allergic to condoms)? If so, know you can get non-latex condoms. Also I'm concerned that your boyfriend is suggesting using the least effective method of birth control (withdrawal, or pulling out) when you're clearly displaying a lot of anxiety over a possible pregnancy. Do you feel able to speak up about safer sex with your boyfriend?

[ 02-18-2012, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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skiesofgreen
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Also would you like info on any of the other birth control options Heather mentioned up there, or any other kind for that matter?
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Alergnon
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Hey skiesofgreen,
I have talked to him about safer sex. I just don't know what to do anymore.

If we have sex I'm using spericide.
Thank you for taking your time in replying.

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skiesofgreen
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And when you've had those talks how have they gone? Has he listened to your concerns? Have you discussed getting non-latex condoms?

Also please know that spemicides are one of the least effective methods of birth control, even with perfect use. If you don't want to become pregnant I wouldn't suggest relying on that alone.

Check out the link for more info:
http://www.scarleteen.com/birth_control_bingo_spermicides

[ 02-18-2012, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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Alergnon
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I checked it out and Yea it's not that effective but it's something I guess.

The talk that we have go very well he is very understanding of them as well.

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skiesofgreen
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Can I ask whether, if, as you've been expressing here, you're very sure you do not want to become pregnant and cannot handle a pregnancy at this point, you think the level of risk presented with using spermicides alone is something you feel comfortable with?

If not how do you feel about stepping back from kinds of sex that present a risk of creating pregnancy until we figure out a type of birth control that is reliable and is likely to work for you, whether that's something completely different from spermicide or something you use with spermicide to help decrease your risk?

[ 02-18-2012, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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cutegurl0606
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I am currently on the Nuvaring, which is a ring you insert into your vagina and leave it there for 3 weeks. You take it out after 3 weeks, then have your period. After a week of it being out, you put another one it for 3 weeks. And, so on and so on. I believe I've heard that you can take it out as long as you don't leave it out for over 3 hours. It has worked for me so far. But, if you feel uncomfortable messing around down there, it might not be the best choice.

I've been on the Depo shot as well. The only downside I found with it is that once you come off of it, it may take a while for your period to return. And, if you have sex often, it may give you pregnancy scares, with or without a condom.

Hope I've been of some help. [Smile]

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Alergnon
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okay so this was in the other thread so I'm re-posting it here since someone told me to keep talking in this thread so everyone is up to date with it... here it is:

I'm in a really great relationship just this may sound outta sort and messed up so bare with me, please. I don't want to be judged at all or told what I should and shouldn't do, I just need advice and guidance, if possible.

One issue I want to address is I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2-3 weeks now and things are great, don't get me wrong, it's just a bit weird. Well, we had intercourse and that. Well, the condom broke, what a surprise that was. Well, thing is he keeps asking me if he is good enough like sex and what he looks like, etc., and I tell him he is fine and he is perfect the way he is. He feels he is lacking sex, like he isn't good enough like my other partners. I tell him he is better, he is.

Second issue is, he lost his VCard to me (his virginity) and he is now in love with me. I don't want to sound weird but I'm not sure if I'm at the same level as he is right now with love. I like him a lot just I want to know him better.

Third issue is, he was worried and happy that I may be pregnant. Don't know yet. Well, he says it will make him happy like he wants my child and babies. I don't find it weird at all for him saying that to me. What I find weird is him wanting to start a family with me this early in my relationship with him, our relationship.

Fifth issue is, I asked him a question if he was trying to get me pregnant and he said yes. Well, he is allergic to condoms and I said fine we use spermicide and my birth control. He said okay. Then he proposes to me asking me if we can have completely unprotected sex. I had asked why. He then told me he wants to inpergnantant me.

Sixth issue is, he wants to marry me and have my babies like I said before, and such.

Okay to put this in a more understanding... of how I'm feeling about all of this. 1) I'm unsure if I am pregnant. 2) If people found out I "tried" for a baby I think my Church would go all weird and such 3) If this got out I would be so lost and confused. 4) I want a baby 5) I don't know how to handle this all.

The truth is I want the unprotected sex with my boyfriend and I want to get pregnant.

He is 21. I am 18. I'm in my last year of high school.

Please after reading this don't think I'm betraying anyone or the possible baby.

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skiesofgreen
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Thanks for moving over. I linked you to the article on the other one because I heard you making some statements about wanting a child and thought it might help you take a serious look at whether that's a good idea for you at this point in your life. Also the financial situation is different in Canada (I'm Canadian myself) but for the most part the points brought up in the article largely carry over.

Also what you're saying here doesn't seem to line up with you saying that your boyfriend is respecting your wishes about birth control. I'm hearing you say that he has actively tried to get you pregnant without having first talked to you about that and when you seem (in your posts before this one) to very much not want to become pregnant. That is NOT listening to you and is a HUGE red flag. Actively trying to make someone pregnant without their consent is not Ok.

Also I'm hearing some things that strike me as a little odd when it comes to his level of attachment. While feelings develop at different rates for different people when we're taking about real, earnest love that involves respecting each other (in ways like discussing pregnancy before trying to make one), understanding and active care for the other person, that sort of deep connection doesn't usually happen in a space of weeks. Furthermore, while having sex can evoke strong emotions for some people that, in and of itself, is not tantamount to love. I hear you expressing some uneasiness about his eagerness around this, and that you're not sure you really feel the same so soon. Is that right? Do you want to talk about that more?


Also I'm a little confused by you expressing that you now want to become pregnant when you previously said you didn't think this was a good idea. Can you fill me in a little more on why you feel you want to get pregnant and what you think that reality would look like for you now and in the future (if you were to bring the pregnancy to term)?

[ 02-18-2012, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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Alergnon
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At first I found it odd and strange that he was asking me about babies at first then I began to think about it. When him and I had sex when the condom broke I wasn't worried at all getting pregnant. Next thing I know he started to ask me about having babies with him after the sex. Then days later he told me the condom broke/ripped. I was mad at first and betrayed but then I just can't keep those feelings and forgave him and told him I wasn't mad at him for it. He said there was a hole in the condom days after he telling me about babies. I thought it was odd at first then I thought it was normal. Then he started to say he loves me. I thought this was really weird and off, because only one person I've been with (been with many guys) he told me he loved me and he did. And my boyfriend telling me he loves me made me weird everywhere. Then I started to except this fact because I can't control what people feel. So it's outta my control.

Myself and boyfriend talked about babies for a bit, not a long few months but days about having a baby. I said I'm not ready. So, then he kept putting the idea into my head and then me thinking about that condom breaking again, I told him I may be pregnant anyways from the condom breaking. He also told me many times that he will be there for me and support me. Thing is I'm afraid he may leave me. Like he pushed the subject on me about me leaving him what if he left me? My future honestly, I don't know what it would do to my future.

I have issues and I know I use sex to help my issues, this time I didn't use sex to help my issues, I truly used sex for pleasure and fun.

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skiesofgreen
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Am I right in understanding he either put a hole in the condom, or knew the condom had a hole/had torn, and did not tell you until afterwards?

I'm hearing a lot of concern from you about the way he's been acting, and I think trusting those gut instincts is wise. When we feel betrayed or uneasy in a situation that's usually our minds way or telling us there's something to be uneasy about. And I definitely feel your gut instinct is right here. His behaviour is Not normal, and certainly not healthy.

Making decisions to impregnate someone (or attempt to) without their consent is not healthy behaviour. It shows a real lack of consideration and concern for your well being (you who would have to deal with the consequences of being impregnated, not him) and, to be completely frank if that's ok, is dishonest and manipulative.

I'm picking up some really big red flags here, with him ignoring your opinion on contraception, him pushing the subject of pregnancy after only having been with you for three weeks (and with you not showing any previous interest in becoming pregnant right now), and his sudden attachment to you. These strike me as things that you SHOULD feel uneasy about. I think your instinct is spot on here.

Also, while his emotions are out of your control I think it's important to remember that how you react to him and the decisions you make about being in this relationship are not. You still have choices, and a right to make them.

How do you feel about what I've said here, is it lining up to what you're experiencing?

Edit: am I also right in understanding that your current desire to become pregnant is largely coming from him pressuring you to become pregnant?

[ 02-18-2012, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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Alergnon
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No, he didn't put a hole in the condom. I put it on myself. He told me a few days later that the condom had a ripped and then today he told me it had a hole in it... It was too late for Plan B since it was a few hours off but the nurse still gave it to me.

I'm so lost in what to do now. Like, he did push the topic of babies in my head and he would talk about it all the time. Like, I just don't know.

He ignoring my desire for safer sex isn't an option for him and/or me apparently.

I honestly, have been thinking not 100% though but If I am pregnant and I find out something else, I swear he wont be in the baby's life. I seem harsh and nasty about that I just don't know what I should really do. I can't have an abortion.

Something else that makes me wonder when I was over at his place twice, he never really made eye contact or kissed me back. He never really did anything fun with me, besides the sex.

Then, today he told me he lost his virginity to me and then him telling me he wants to be with me and have his babies and me having his babies. I told him that I didn't want to have a baby with him then he told me he was fine with it that we can still be together and me loving him. Then he asked me if we can get married in the Summer. I said I didn't know. I told him I wanted to date him for a few more months.

I don't know if I should break this off before finding out what is going on with me. Is this considered rape? Like, I agreed to sex but him not telling me about the condom isn't there a word(s) for that, like with holding information from me?

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skiesofgreen
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The term you're looking for here is reproductive coercion which is abusive and not something that should be present in any relationship.

I know you're saying you're worried about leaving without figuring out what's going on, but I think we do know what's going on (or at least enough to make a good decision). This person is clearly not respecting you or your decisions and is not giving you the option to make reproductive choices of your own by with holding information from you until it is too late for you to do anything.

To quote from this article http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/she_just_wont_stop_pressuring_me_for_sex_and_babies (it's about a male who is being pressured into pregnancy by a female partner but despite the sex reversal I think the message really holds true for you and you might be interested in looking at it):

"What I want for you -- what I want for everyone -- is a partner who respects you and who cares for you. Honoring our feelings about when and if to have sex and make babies is pretty ground-zero stuff as far as both those things go. .....

Reproductive coercion is considered a serious abuse, and I think that's sound. Our right, whatever our gender, to decide if and when, to the degree we can control it, we want to become pregnant or co-create a pregnancy and to become parents is a vital, essential human right. This is also an issue where another tiny person can potentially come into play who doesn't get any choices."

Edit: also wanting to get married to someone after only three weeks is not something I see as healthy behaviour. Marriage (for most people) is a very serious, and generally intended to be longterm, commitment. I don't think this is the sort of thing that is healthy to be discussing 3 weeks into a relationship. Again I'm getting some red flags about this guy and, from your posts, I think you are to. How do you feel about taking steps to get away from him?

[ 02-18-2012, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

Posts: 245 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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