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Author Topic: Help me
mma
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Not getting out of this bad situation won't stop you from being afraid. You know you're going to be afraid, so you might as well know that you're taking action to keep you and your children safe. The fear will not last forever, but the scars that this man will continue to inflict will make lasting impressions that will take longer to get over the longer you let it go on.

You said you're not really a Christian and I am not either, but don't let that stop you from stepping out in faith and let your friends who love you provide you with security and support.

Atm1 is absolutely right-- your perseverance and the fact that you've done this before prove that you are strong and brave.

And since I haven't said it in a while and you may not be hearing this in your head-- You deserve to be in a safe and healthy environment!

--------------------
http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

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Nightshade
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atm1, I'm pretty sure that saying is from The Lion King. [Smile]

But you can do this. You can. You are an amazingly strong woman. Look at how long you've had to deal with this. I could have never dealt with that kind of mental battering for so long without loosing it. If you can stand up to all of that, you can stand up for yourself.

I believe in you. And I bet your kids believe in you as well. If you won't leave for yourself, leave for them.

If you can't bring yourself to leave now, please consider it sometime soon. And don't forget we are all rooting for you.

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Honky Cat
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quote:
Originally posted by Nightshade:
If you can't bring yourself to leave now, please consider it sometime soon. And don't forget we are all rooting for you. [/QB]

We are. Though it may not seem like it, you've made some incredible strides in the last few weeks. I understand how daunting it can be to come face to face with the chance to leave; that's a normal and valid way to feel in a situation like this. But if you think you can't do it, I'd disagree. In just the last few weeks, you've been to a crisis center (so what if you didn't get out of the car?), you've sought out new friendships, and you got your own phone that your partner won't be able to access. The fact that you're even thinking about leaving is a huge step. You're strong, and you absolutely CAN do it.
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tigerlily18
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I've been following this thread for a bit, and I wanted to make a comment on your last post. Over the last few days that I have been reading this, I have been astounded at how incredibly strong you are. The fact that you are able to take care of your kids and yourself despite all that you have been through is just amazing. You remind me a lot of my mom: she was in an abusive relationship when I was little, and had to take care of me, my brother, and sister. She was always scared that she would do something wrong that would hurt us, or that she would not be strong enough to take the next step. She made it through, and we are all better for it.

Even though I don't know you, from just reading this thread I can tell that you are so strong. You are a tough, capable woman that has had to deal with things that no one should ever have to deal with. You will be able to take the next step, and you will be able to protect yourself and your children. Everyone here is supporting you, because we know that you can do this.

--------------------
"Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

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Cnon
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I just want to add my voice of support too. [Smile]

Cnon

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xneed2knowx
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Thanks to everyone. I am overwhelmed by how much support I have been shown here. Sometimes I logout and then later log back in to re-read what you have said and to get geared up again about leaving. It's very touching and I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement.

Tomorrow night my friend is calling me to let me know what her boss said about hiring me. I am worried but hoping they will let me apply because a job would be even more incentive to get out there as opposed to going there with absolutely nothing.

I want to leave this week...I don't know if I can do it, I go back and forth why I should/shouldn't. Sometimes I feel really capable and then other times I feel so small and incapable. It's so hard and I'm so exhausted of this constant battle within me.

I'm trying to just take it one step at a time. Right now I'm just waiting to hear from my friend tomorrow about the job. After that...I'll have to figure out what's next.

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atm1
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Even if there's no luck with this job, too keep in mind that you'll have *much* better luck finding work in Fort Worth as opposed to the small town you're in now. So, even if things don't look great right now, odds are higher that it'll work out better if you get to a city.

We all know you can do it. Try to just embrace one of the times when you feel like you can do it and just go then. You've done just about all of the planning ahead of time--do you think there's a way you can keep a shopping bag or two of the kids' clothes handy for when you decide to leave? If you can hide that under a bed, that'll make it even easier to leave 20 minutes after you've decided to go.

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xneed2knowx
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I think I'm going to go for it Friday.
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Nightshade
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I'm so excited for you. I'm going to be out for a little while starting Wednesday, but hopefully I'll be able to come see how things work out sometime after the weekend.

Remember what Heather and the volunteers said. Have important documents, a change of clothes or two and anything you have an important emotional attachment to ready to go. Along with your own personal cell phone. [Smile]

Something that came to mind, you might want to think about what you'll tell your kids when it's time to leave. I think you're the best judge on how mature they are, and how much you think you can tell them at this point.

Be safe.

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mma
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You can do it, I know you can! I'm holding onto that thought that this is your year, when you write the next chapter in your life, take a stand, demand the respect you deserve, and only allow people who treat you properly into your life.

Because, don't forget, YOU DESERVE to be in a safe and healthy environment. [Smile]

--------------------
http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

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xneed2knowx
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Thank you so much. I haven't said anything to my 5 year old because at this age he couldn't keep a secret if he tried. WHEN we leave (I'm not going to say "if" anymore) I'm not sure what I will tell him...I've got to think about that.

Do I tell my mother before I go or wait until I'm gone? She's going to be so angry with me too but I've got to make a decision for my kids and myself - I can't worry about her all the time anymore. If she had it her way I'd stay here and be miserable for the rest of my life, but it doesn't have to be that way. Like mma says we deserve to be in a safe and healthy environment!!! There's no shame in that, right?

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treetops
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I've been following this thread and I wanted to say how amazed I am by how strong you are, and how much I, along with many others, am rooting for you.

Maybe you could tell your mother after you've gone, if she's not going to be aupportive of you - your priority has to be getting out of there, I think, and you can worry about telling people afterwards.

Thinking of you and wishing the best for you and your children.

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mma
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quote:
Originally posted by xneed2knowx:
WHEN we leave (I'm not going to say "if" anymore)

My dear, this is music to my ears!
quote:
Originally posted by xneed2knowx:
Do I tell my mother before I go or wait until I'm gone? She's going to be so angry with me too but I've got to make a decision for my kids and myself - I can't worry about her all the time anymore. If she had it her way I'd stay here and be miserable for the rest of my life, but it doesn't have to be that way.

If I remember right, your mom's life's been pretty miserable too, right? So, you could just mentally ask her "how's that working out for you?" You're not living your life to please your mother, and you have your own young ones to worry about; you don't have any to spare for her! Besides, you couldn't stand to be in her same shoes in 15 or 20 years with your own kids-- you'd want them to keep themselves safe and make choices that allow them to grow as human beings. Setting a good example now will help them when they're grown. [Smile]

Anyway, her reaction is hers to own. You're a Texan, you may be familiar with this expression: "She can get glad in the same clothes she got mad in!" [Wink] Long story short? I'd just inform her after the fact, and I wouldn't tell her where I was for a good long while, until I was sure this guy wasn't looking for me. He willtry to use your family/friends to get at you, so you might need to keep your whereabouts a secret for a while. They love you and want you to be safe. They will understand. And if not, that's just further proof that not telling them was the right decision.

quote:
Originally posted by xneed2knowx:
There's no shame in that, right?

Heck NO! The shame's on him for not being able to be a grown-up and treat you with basic human decency.

--------------------
http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

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xneed2knowx
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My mind keeps trying to talk myself out of this and I can't let that happen. Yesterday I felt like I could DO it...today is the opposite and I keep trying to tell myself that I can wait longer, it doesn't have to be right now.

Sigh.

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Heather
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So much happened while I was away! [Smile]

It's all okay.

Am I assuming correctly that your friend made this offer without an expiration date? In other words, I think you know it's probably safer for you to get out of there sooner than later, and certainly better for your emotional health and your kids. However, it's not like if you do NOT do this this Friday, you can't do it at all, is it?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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(Hi Heather!)

Well the job starts Monday so if I don't go Friday (or this weekend) I won't have the job.

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Heather
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Okay, so with the job, it very much matters. And being able to move and walk right into a job is a HUGE deal. HUGE.

I'm around for a few hours, and I can have all the time in the world for you if you want it. want to just back and forth a bit to talk through your fears?

Maybe it's worth trying to think/talk through WHY doing it later would, in your mind, be better than doing it Friday? What would or wouldn't happen later as opposed to sooner?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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Exactly, having an immediate job is huge...but it makes it feel so rushed - like it has to happen right NOW...pressure.

I go from really overwhelmed, or really anxious and excited and capable...to really scared, intimidated and incapable -- but Heather, I KNOW this has to happen. I didn't know that before but my heart says go for it. I wish my mind and body would follow along.

I don't want to miss this opportunity though because chances are I won't have another chance like this again. Passing this up would feel like a huge mistake.

I just feel really panicked when I think about going and as Friday gets closer. I'm afraid of going there and having no money for diapers, food, wipes, gas for my car -- nothing. I don't want to show up completely...I don't know, unprepared - and for them to feel like they have to help out more than they already are. They are even wiring me gas money to get out there!! It makes me feel so so bad and makes me want to back out of it so that they don't feel like they have to help me.

I'm afraid of how he will react when he gets home from work. It's so scary to think of him showing up and my car being gone (which would be the first red flag for him) and then him walking inside ultimately figuring out that we're gone. It scares me to think about all of that even though I know we wont be here.

I'm still worried about my mother too. I can't help it. I'm so afraid of leaving and knowing she's hurt and pissed off at me - and has no one or nothing here for her. I know that she doesn't show love well or seem to appreciate having us around but I know that comes from pain inside of her and it just kills me to think of adding to that. My friend said, "You can't worry about her. Parents are supposed to worry about their kids, not the other way around." That is very true, I never thought of it like that but I can't get this fear out of my mind.

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Heather
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What it sounds to me is like they WANT to help.

Can you maybe think about what you'd want if your friend was in the same spot as you are and you could help that way? Wouldn't you want to?

Let's set your mother aside for right now, partly because of what your friend said (well said, friend) but also because it sounds to me like you are worrying more about HER than she has worried about YOU. Since you being with this guy makes no difference in her life at all, and it'd be completely uncaring for her to be angry at you for getting yourself and your kids safe, let's just set her aside for a sec, okay?

Per how he will react, what plans have you made with these friends about managing your safety in this way? Or, have you called the shelter to talk to THEM about this and see if they offer any security help with people transitioning like this? They might be able to provide some extra safety or help with safety planning.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Actually, let me amend that. Even you planning to leave like this presents a safety risk, as you know. So, *I* would feel a lot better if you called the shelter and filled them in, including giving them your info, just in case. Can you do that, for me and for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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How would calling the shelter help me now? I don't understand. As for extra safety, what does that mean?

I haven't contacted them and haven't really talked to my friend about it. We've only talked about how if he calls them (he has my contacts in that phone) they will just pretend like they don't know anything and that I am not there).

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Heather
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I'd suggest planning a little more than that poer your safety.

I'll be blunt: calling the shleter and telling them who you are, where you live, who your kids are and what day and time you're going would help them get someone to help you if the worst happened and everything went totally amiss. I know that sucks to talk about, but it is an issue with leaving anyone abusive or controlling, and it's important.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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I'm just so afraid Friday is going to come and I'm going to chicken out. Part of me is afraid to embrace this opportunity because I'm afraid I will get scared and back out and then it just makes for bigger disappointment. I want to be strong and do this, I really really do.
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xneed2knowx
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It just scares me to think about calling the shelter or having anyone help me because it makes me feel like that will just draw more attention to me leaving than just doing it alone. What if the neighbor sees someone show up that's not supposed to be there? I know the neighbor wouldn't call him, I'm just saying it scares me. It wouldn't hurt to call and talk to the shelter about it and see what they say though. I know you know the best way for me to go about doing this and I need to stop being so stubborn with things.
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Heather
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So, what if you do? All that would show is that you're scared, which is understandable. You have reasons to be scared.

Being scared doesn't mean we're week, or crappy or bad people. It just means that we're scared.

But since this is a good opportunity and you very much want to do it, how about doing all you can to plan and prepare TO leave Friday now? If you do back out Friday, we can deal with that Friday, right?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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Okay. I want to prepare to leave, now is as good a time as any -- better actually since I have the job and I just take my kids to work with me every day. I don't even have to worry about being in two different locations during the day which is a big relief because at first I'll want them pretty close to me.

How do I prepare to leave? I've been cleaning up and kind of separating clothes that we are taking with clothes that we are leaving. I've put the kids favorite toys in a purple rubbermaid and their other toys in the green ones (then I can just grab the purple one when it's time to go). I don't know what else to do.

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Heather
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Well, once more, I'd really feel a LOT better if you also talked to the shelter peeps about this, okay? I can talk to you, too, but please have someone in person equipped to help with these situations in on this, too.

That said, for starters, are you covering your tracks VERY well as you're packing? How are you packing without it being obvious to this guy that's what you're doing?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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I've put the clothes I'm taking for the kids in one drawer of their dresser and the rest of their clothes mixed into the other drawers. Then on Friday (besides the small bag I have packed) I can scoop up the clothes quickly.

Their toys are always in rubbermaids so he doesn't think anything odd about that. I've just put their favorites into the purple one to separate them (without actually separating them).

I want to take my camera and laptop with me but of course I can't pack those things ahead of time. I don't want him digging through my computer trying to find anything so I feel like it's important to bring along.

The only thing I actually have ready to go is the bag in the trunk of my car with 1 change of clothes for all of us.

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Heather
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Great on how you've been packing so far.

How about anyone nearby who might be willing to drive up to your place at the time you are leaving and at least follow you out for a few miles to be sure you're safe in leaving?

One other thing that can give some people some time in relationships where there is some leeway is also to say you're going somewhere for the weekend. That way, you have a couple days lead time, and you just don't come back. So, that's another option.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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I could call my friend from down the road and check but I'm pretty sure she has to work on Friday. I don't know any other people here.

I don't think he'd let me just go somewhere for the weekend either. He'd either say no or insist on coming with me, so I don't think I could do that although that would be a good idea.

I can call the shelter tomorrow to get info about leaving. Would they talk to me on the phone or insist on me coming in person?

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Heather
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I can't say what the shelter would ask of you, but all you have to do to find out is call. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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I will try to give them a call tomorrow, it doesn't hurt to see what they have to say.

I'm going to try to leave Friday like around 9-10 AM. That way he will be gone a couple hours already and still before lunch. I hope I can do this.

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Heather
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I hope you can, too, but rather than focusing on what you might or might not be able to do then, how about thinking positively and just doing what you can NOW to prepare?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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Freaking out...

That pretty much describes how I'm feeling inside right now. Friday is only two days away and I'm carrying this huge secret around.

My friend has to wire me gas money to even get there. It makes me feel really bad, I really don't want to take their money but I have no other way of getting there. She asked me how much it takes to fill up my car. It takes $40 but I told her $30 because I knew I could make it on that and have some gas left to spare.

Well I go down the street to pick it up and they wired $100!! I feel so bad about that, why did they send so much? I immediately texted her and said it's the wrong amount and she quickly dismissed me and said, "Nope, it's the right amount." She said they wanted me to fill up my tank and still have money to stop and eat with the kids on the way and to pick up some more cigarettes (they know me too well).

I feel so awful that they did that though - it's so overwhelming and now even more I know I need to go.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Again: if your friend as in this position, and you had the money to give to her, wouldn't you ant to do that? Wouldn't you be delighted you could to help her out?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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