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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Moral support

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Author Topic: Moral support
Farmgirl
Neophyte
Member # 41400

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Hi guys,

My friend told me she is pregnant. I feel like I have to step in and give her moral support. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. She only took a home pregnancy test. She took her test last night. I know you are supposed to take the test in the morning for better results. I have suggested her to go to doctor to know for sure and to found out how far along she is. I don't know if she even did that. I was wondering if there some information she and I can read to understand the process of the pregnancy, if she decides to go through, some information about abortion, adoption process, and how to tell her parents. She lives in New York. I don't know if you need that information. Can please help me? I want to help my friend the best way. Thank you for your time and help.

Thanks,
Farmgirl

Posts: 5 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Farmgirl: it's great that you're stepping up to help and support your friend. With an unplanned pregnancy -- heck, with any kind of pregnancy -- having good support is such a big deal.

Suggesting she start by verifying her pregnancy at her doctor's office is a good suggestion. She should do that, and if she is pregnant, she can also then get a good idea of how far along she is, which can influence what options she has.

I'd not give information about options right off the bat: that can feel like pressure. Instead, I'd check in first to see if she had that doctor's visit, and if not, ask if perhaps you can help by going with her. You can also ask her what it is she wants and needs from you. Maybe she will ask for help getting information on all or some of her choices: that's the time to step in and give her that information, then (and I'd be glad to help direct you to good places to start).

In terms of telling her parents and information on that, again, I'd ask her what she wants from you. With anything, when we want help, what's generally most helpful from others is feeling able to ask them for what we need, rather than having them give us what they think we need, know what I mean?

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Farmgirl
Neophyte
Member # 41400

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Hi Heather,

I have read what you wrote. I realize what you were saying about waiting on her and her choice. I talk to her tonight. She said that she is going to call the doctor tomorrow for appointment. She said she is leaning towards getting abortion. I'm not sure how I'm going to support her because I don't believe in abortion. What can I do to help her?

Thanks,
Farmgirl

Posts: 5 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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Hi Farmgirl,

Just a quick note from me but Heather will surely write more in a bit. [Smile] You're a very good friend to want to help and support your friend. I'm especially impressed that you want to help her as best you can even if you don't personally believe in everything.

My advice on discussing abortion is to try to look at it from the perspective that it's her choice and you want to support her whatever she decides is best for her. One way to look at it is that if you were to be the one pregnant and decided to continue the pregnancy and after its birth, either raise the child yourself or give it up for adoption, you'd want her to support you in that decision rather than trying to push you in any one way or the other.

For example, I had a classmate from college whose parents were against abortion all her life... until she become pregnant her sophomore year. They suddenly were insisting she have an abortion so she could continue her studies whereas she really wanted to carry it to term and raise the baby with her boyfriend.

So you see how the argument can both ways; the important thing was supporting each individual woman in what she felt was right for her. If she asks you for your opinion, you could saying something like "While I would not choose an abortion for myself, I want to support you in whatever you choose is right for you."

I know also know from my experience with friends going through hard times that the best advice is from good listeners who try really, really hard not to give advice but just listen. And then when a piece, stated as neutrally as possible, slips out, it really sticks in the person's mind.

Scarleteen is a pro-choice site, but we're not here to change your opinion or make you feel unwelcome for your beliefs as long as you express them respectfully and in a way that is inline with our site guidelines. However, I would like to share some articles and links for you to check out. You could also send them to your friend. You could even say, "I don't really feel comfortable talking about abortion but you could check these out" and she could post here herself. Then you could focus more on just her feelings/etc. if that works better for you. Because we want to support people but we also have the right and, honestly, responsibility to stick to our limits and boundaries. [Smile]

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Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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By "sticking to our boundaries", I mean that you're entitled to say "that's out of my realm" or "I don't feel comfortable talking about that as an option but I know a place that can. I'm still here to support you, whatever you choose." [Smile]
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Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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Hello again, Farmgirl!

(By the way, one of my closest friends is from a rural part of PA. We haven't always agreed on all issues but we find a lot of common ground to support each other... and it was so neat visiting the town where she grew up! [Wink] )

Here are the site guidelines (to help frame discussions on the boards.) And then some more:
Why We're Pro-Choice
All About Abortion (If she's underage and wants to/must talk to her parents/guardians)
Granny Panties
Advice on talking to parents
Human Reproductive Info (General good info)
One (or another) woman's story
Pregnancy Risk and Pregnancy Myths
The Reality of New Mommyhood (From a volunteer who's a young parent)
Between God anad Me (On sex and religion)

edited to add one more, new link: Wording for talking about abortion [Smile]

[ 06-17-2009, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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