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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » my daughter (Page 5)

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Author Topic: my daughter
Harvey_1990
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its more to do with my dad
she did some sort of counseling but i dont know what.
my mum aint stupid just i dunno...scared i guess i know that does sound like what! scared of what shes a grown woman but i dont know my brohers at uni my sisters only a kid and if things go wrong im the person she turns to, shes vulnerable... she has to get of my back cause i cant hack my mum telling me what to do all the time...but ive always looked after my mum even when i was i kid like 15 ive always looked after my mum
but im scared im genuiely scared that if i tell my mum i need my own space i need to be me!
that she'll take it the wrong way
i know shes my mum and hses older enough to look after her self
i get to the point where i want to scream Emilys my daughter not hers [Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Something you can do is try sitting down with her in a neutral environment and talk calmly with her about your feelings. For instance, itís difficult for a parent to step back and let their kids take over, but at some point we all have to ask for that bit of space to do just that. But itís all in the way that you say it. It helps to make the words softer by saying how you know how much sheís done for you, but that you really feel like itís time for you to step up as a father for your daughter. Remind her that you know thereís a lot left for you to learn, but that youíre working hard to learn how to take care of Emily, and you feel like you can start to take on more responsibility for her, and you know your mom is always there if and when you need her, and you know how to reach her.

Also, just because she may not have had a positive experience with counseling doesnít mean that this canít be a positive thing for you, and letting her know that may help this all along as well. Let her know that this is something that you and Maddy are doing together, and that youíre both on board with trying this as a way to open the lines of communication. Because remember that youíre going through this together so that you can help one another to get where you want to be in this relationship, and to help you begin communicating openly again, so itís different than just a one-to-one counseling session. And too, we all want to take care of our parents sometimes, but remember that we have to take care of ourselves and our needs too.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Heather
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Well, I can think of some things she might be scared of.

If she associates counseling with your father's suicide, that's one. She might also be scared that you will be talking with a counselor about her flaws and mistakes: people tend to worry about that and feel very insecure about it. She may worry you may find there are ways she could have been a better parent, or find out you need a different dynamic with her now. She may worry -- weird as it sounds -- that you may wind up happier, with a better life than she has.

Screaming isn't sound, and that is hurtful. Setting boundaries like this is not, and it really is important, even in terms of your and your Mom learning to have a healthier relationship. In other words, setting boundaries supports people loving each other well.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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im not going to do what my dad did i got my problems but i gotta sort them out i wouldnt shout at her i wouldnt kick off im not my dad
even thinking about my mum today i realised alot of stuff
i refused I REFUSE! to do to my daughter what my parents did to me
it does annoy me so much...i respect my mother and i love but i brought my kid sister up i was there for her and my mum tells me how to look after emily
i know shes trying to help but she annoys me and i say that in the nicest possible way but she annoys me

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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It is a very frustrating thing when someone is trying to tell us how to do something weíre working so hard to do ourselves Ė especially something like taking care of a child. And really youíve worked so hard to learn how to do everything, and have come such a long way in that. The progress was shown with your taking care of her on your own and how she responded so well to you in that. And while I had never met your father, I can tell you what youíve described of him is not what I think of at all when I see your replies. Look at everything youíve done and how hard youíve worked to bond with your little girl, youíre there and wanting to learn to care for her and how to do so on your own Ė youíre doing everything you can to be there for her and to meet her needs. Youíre not your parents, your yourself and that's a different person, and you know who you want to be and are working towards getting there in full. Do you think wanting to care for Emily and learn to do so in your way is something you could talk with her about?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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my mum says im just a kid myself which i understand will try and talk to her again about it but she will more than likely give me the big lecture about being so young and that how will i know how to be a parent when im little more than a child myself
then she expects me to get out of bed at 3 in the morning because somethings fucked up! urgh she pisses me off
but i will try and talk to her because if i dont ill be going round in circles but i do feel like im banging my head against a wall with her

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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You could point out that yes, you are young, but that you ARE a parent. That simply IS. It is not a question or a maybe: you are, already.

You could also invite her to do things with or for you, if she really wants to help, that actually ARE helpful. For instance, perhaps she could help you find a parenting class for you and Maddy, and support you two in that.

Some of this may also be coming out of her own guilt: after all, chances are good you weren't prepared very much by your family for avoiding pregnancy at a young age. She may feel somewhat responsible for you being a parent now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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what! whaat
maddy getting pregnant didnt have any thing to do with my mum
how...what...what what?

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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Step into a parent's mind with me for a minute, okay?

When a teenager gets pregnant -- or gets someone pregnant -- a parent is going to tend to think about how that happened, and what they did or did not do to prevent it. So, if a parent didn't talk to their teen a lot about birth control and safer sex, about sex in general, about life goals and what can get in the way of them, about sound pacing for all of this they are -- validly -- going to feel somewhat responsible because what our parents do to help protect us from this stuff IS an issue, and very much CAN have a big influence.

Now, if your Mom did all this kind of stuff with you, gave you this kind of support or information, and you just ignored her or did the opposite, then she's likely to be able to know a bit better that while she would not have wanted this for you so soon, she did all she could, and will feel a bit better knowing that.

But if not, then she is going to tend to feel some responsibility, because as your parent -- who is supposed to help with these things -- she does bear some.

I'm sure that when Emily is a teenager, you're going to get this a lot more, but you might even get it already. If something bad or unwanted happened to Emily, and you didn't do anything or what you think you could have, to prevent that, you'd feel guilty and somewhat responsible.

[ 03-06-2009, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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ohh i understand now
maybe..i dont know ive got shit i gotta think about
i know things have got to change because shes making things harder than they should be

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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I agree, if that's the case. So, I'd suggest trying to have a calm talk with her where you compassionately lay down some boundaries.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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so i told my mum i was nice didnt shout didnt snap at her. i explained to her about every thing
firstly she cried and babbled about things that i wasnt even talking about
then she guilt tripped me by saying i didnt want her to be apart of my life then she guilt tripped m even more talking about my dad then she guilt tripped a little bit more just incase i wasnt feeling bad enough by telling me that she must of been such a bad parent if im so fucked up that i have to go into counseling
then then THEN just in case i wasnt depressed enough after seeing my mum she told my entire family that i do counseling not just my sister my entire family my auntys and uncles and cousins saying ill go the same way as my father
my mum just didnt stop
its like she doesnt want me to be happy
its like she wants me to do what my dad did
[Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Harvey, Iím so sorry that she reacted the way that she did. I know that you have a lot on your mind right now already, and her reacting to your conversation in the way that she did certainly added a lot more to an already full plate. Obviously her telling your family about counseling was very unfair to you, especially since youíre trying to get the help you deserve and counseling is supposed to be a positive thing. I think for right now it might be a good thing to let her have a little bit of time to cool off.

Itís understandable that sheís worried about you, but you really are not your father, and it may take her some time to be able to realize that. In the meantime, you have Maddy and Emily, you are doing so well with Emily, and really making some progress with forming those bonds with Maddy again. And in time, you can try talking to her about how you really do want her to be a part of your life, and that you feel to do so in a healthy way she needs to realize that youíre not your father, and that youíre really trying to be a good father to your little girl, and thatís why you have to need to learn to do things on your own, so that you are being there for Emily and her needs as her father Ė as a dad. And hopefully in time sheíll understand and youíll be able to help her make the connection that youíre in counseling to help yourself, not because she did something wrong.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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I am just getting to the point of why the **** do i bother. my mum clearly see's me a **** up and a child my family have no problem stabbing me in the back.
she says all this nasty shit to me and about me and the next day expect me to turn around and act like she never said it then she kicks of all over again when she brings up counseling WHAT DID SHE EXPECT!
she does to me what she did to my dad. but im not married to her im not her husband i dont need to hear every day about what she did or what went wrong or whats shes going to do i moved out to get away from it and i still get it!
And this morning she called my baby fat!! she called my beautiful baby fat! which went down well with maddy1 what is she trying to do? shes just ******* my life up even more and my daughter is not fat!
i cant take her bullshit on top of every thing else shes ment to be my mum i say ment cause she was never really a mum its just me she takes it on golden boy could never do any thing wrong even if he tryed and neither could my sister i dont want all this shit heaped on me i cant handle all this shit i go to the counseling i feel guilty to my mum i dont go i feel guilty i feel guilty to maddy emily im only one person i cant please ******* every one!

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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I just want to note that the way you're expressing your anger here is a healthy way to do it, so kudos to you.

I think how you're feeling is totally justified.

It certainly sounds like there has been a lot of grief, conflict and dysfunction in your family, and that's always tough to deal with, even once you leave home and have your own adult life. It also sounds to me like you're starting to recognize some of the family patterns and approaches that were not helpful to you.

Again, you do get to draw lines and have boundaries you need. Some of those boundaries can also include things like how often she comes over, calling first, etc. It's up to you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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and when she turns up at my flat and when she calls not only do i have my mum in one ear going on and on and on i have my sister that has to have her say
its like a loosing battle
ill just sit on my arse and smoke weed and drink cause thats clearly what she wants me to do
its not a real suprise that my mum isnt surportive
but the fact that she wont back or if i tell her to back of she wont piss off in a nice way
she never gave about me my brother or my sister when we where little
why does she suddenly care now?
just seems to be ******* the rest of my life up
she wants me to spend the rest of my life in a depressive drugged up drunk state yeah thanks mum!

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Youíre right, you canít please everyone all of the time. I know sometimes we all wish that we could, but we just canít. As well, youíll often find that everyone in your family wants to have a say, because so often everyone thinks they know whatís best. But I think that right now it has to be about you meeting your needs, and making sure youíre taking care of yourself. And you know that Who you are now and what you want to accomplish certainly doesnít involve drugs or drinking. Right now, I think the best thing for you to do is try working with those boundaries Heather mentioned above, remembering that you have to take everything with a grain of salt. You know that your mother is upset right now, so donít let what she has said bother you. Youíre doing what you feel is right for your little girl and for your partner, thatís a good place to focus on.

And too, I think Heather really made a good point about how your mother is feeling. No, sheís not reacting in a positive way by any means, but at the same time she is probably feeling a lot to blame for things youíve been through and are going through now. And I think in her own hurt, sheís hurting you without really noticing how much it is hurting you. But donít forget your own mission in all of this. Follow what you think is right for your good and the good of your partner and daughter, look to Maddy for support and Emily for the smiles (because Iím sure when she smiles and giggles you get that great feeling inside) and continue to do what you feel you need and want to for yourself and them.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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yeah she is amazing ive never noticed all these things she does and what makes her laugh and what doesnt i try and block out what my mum says i still have to go to work i still have to get on with the rest of the day but it really hurts because thats my mum i dont break down in tears about it but it does hurt what she says
but ill live

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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It does hurt, especially coming from your mom or any family member. But I think right now focusing on the good rather than on the bad will help you to get through this as tough as it is. Like focusing on continuing that bond you've started to form again with Maddy, and focusing on Emily. Your mother's opinions and words aside, do you feel that counseling is something positive right now? Because it seems to me that while it is very difficult, it's something that is really giving you a lot of support with working through everything, and that's something you can keep in mind as well. That what you're doing, you are doing for the good of the family you and Maddy are with Emily - and that's the most important thing right now.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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yeah i think it is the first time i went i thought it was shit but last time i went it was better i thought the guy was a nob but now i dont
i dont want my daughter growing up seeing me drunk like i did my dad and my mum wasnt a great role model and has never helped me through any shit ive had to deal with
and the counseling does help even now ive started to see things in a different way

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Then I think that where you want to keep focusing on. If counseling is a positive experience, and it's something you feel can really help you, then it's something you should do for yourself. You deserve to have that positive in your life, you deserve to get help and you're reaching out your hand asking for that help - so as difficult as it may be to go through with this when your mother is being anything but supportive, I think it's something that you should keep on board with. And know that there's people there for you, wanting to see you succeed in everything. Maddy and Emily are there and want to see you succeed, and all of us here want that for you as well. Yes it's difficult, but you do have people that care that want to help you succeed and are cheering you on.

[ 03-08-2009, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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