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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » my daughter (Page 4)

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Author Topic: my daughter
orca
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That anxiety you're experiencing when you're around Emily will get better with time. I know my brother was the same way when his daughter was first born. He was even afraid of us using the flash on our cameras because it might hurt her. After spending a lot of time around her and taking care of her during the day while his wife was at work, he got used to it and now he plays with her quite freely and happily. You have to remember that Emily isn't made of glass, you won't hurt her just by playing with her. If you're worried about the studs, you can take those off while you are playing with her. Another thing is if this anxiety is something you've had for a while, then you may want to bring it up at the next counselling session and see if the counsellor can teach you some techniques to calm yourself down when you start feeling that way.

[ 02-27-2009, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Stephanie_1
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Harvey: How much time do you spend holding Emily while Maddy is in the room? If it’s not a good bit of time, I’d try working through that first. The more comfortable you become with Emily with someone there to reassure you that you’re doing everything correctly and that she’s happy in your arms, the more comfortable you will be when Maddy does leave the room.

And too, you can have a routine set up for something that will make you more comfortable when she is out of the room, that will ease Emily as well. For instance, babies respond to inflection and changed in voice. Making your voice into the “baby” voice where it’s a soft tone and asking something like “aww, what’s all that crying for” may catch her attention. Or if she has a favorite song you can hold her and rock her lightly and sing the song.

Like Orca said, babies aren’t made of glass. But yes, they are going to pick up on your discomfort, so maybe you and Maddy need to spend some more time with you becoming comfortable together before you’re going to be comfortable alone. And you can play with that. Remember she’s new to everything, and the world is a big and scary place, so she’s going to get a little nervous when the person she’s made the biggest connection with may not be right there. Keep working with her though, you’ll get there. And awesome news on another night sober! So glad to hear you’re keeping up on that and went to counseling. Remember too, counseling takes some time to get used to, but I think it will really be very helpful to you. Congratulations on another step forward.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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not alot
sometimes she wriggles to much and she nearly took my eye out last night i have a black eye going on where she flung this thing at me
although i do now know my daughter is bubble mad she got so excited by them she had to have a little sleep lol [Smile]

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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A lot of the time she's going to be wiggling, that's another thing that babies just tend to do. They sleep a lot, and in turn have a whole lot of energy when they are awake. The more time you spend holding her, the more you'll get used to all of the movements she makes. How has the feeding gone since last time? Have you given that another try?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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I tryed bottle feeding her again i thought it was gonna be easy maddy makes it look like a piece of piss but she kept pushing it out her mouth with her toung and then she had a coughing fit which scared the shit out of me [Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Everything looks like a piece of cake when someone else is doing it rather than us. All of this takes time and a bit of practice. Just don't give up on it, and you'll get the method down as well as Maddy quickly enough.

I do think your continued effort really says a lot about how much you want to be there for her - and that's really the most important thing. She's going to be able to bond with you the more time you spend with her. And don't forget if you want some tips, you can always ask Maddy what works best for her when Emily does the same with her, because sometimes babies just want to play instead of eating.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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its hard though
it feels like im banging my head against a wall especaily when Maddy takes over and makes it look easy! not just easy really easy like she can do it in her sleep easy
and every time i tryed to get her to go to sleep she'd be asleep sort of and just like pop open her eyes again and stare at me and cry and then stare some more when maddy puts her to sleep shes asleep in minutes
and what is with the waking up all through the night she did it before but not this much i think shes against sleeping through the night
maybe she did do it as much but i was to fucked off my face to realise but what the jesus is with it why! does she keep waking up? maddy gave me this book thing to read about it but honestly i got to the second chapter and i nearly cryed it was so crap [Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Babies are hard. That’s something that you just have to accept and continue to work through. Sometimes you want to cry because something doesn’t work just right, but the thing is – the times she makes you smile and laugh are worth so much more than the hard times.

I see you saying Maddy takes over, but that’s something that you really need to work on together, getting her to let some go and you to take a little more on. If every time she cries or something doesn’t work right away Maddy takes over for you, then Emily is going to associate the crying with mom taking over, then she’ll always cry for you because she knows mom will be there to take her right away. Make sense?

And yes, babies do wake a lot during the night. They have small bladders and bowels, and they get hungry easier. Consider this, if you went to the bathroom in the middle of the night ina diaper – would you sleep very well? She doesn’t either. And you’ll find the same is true about being hungry, how well do you sleep if you’re hungry? Since she’s on some solid foods, you may want to try that closer to bed so her tummy will be full with something that has a bit more substance than milk, then she won’t be hungry as quickly in the night.

I know it’s hard, and I think this is something you should really bring up in counseling – because I’m seeing you feeling very discouraged about this and that may be a way to get help with these feelings. Remember though, babies aren’t a lock in a door – so you can’t just use a key and get the desired result every time. It takes work, patience, and a lot of love. You’ll get there, but you need to remember to be patient with her and especially with yourself to do so.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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So when she cries she cries cause she knows Maddy will be there? huh
either im slow or you totally and uterly lost me there :S

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Not always, she'll cry when she's hungry, needs changed, and tired, and wants attention - all babies do. It's their way of communicating wants and needs. That's normal.

What I'm talking about here is a bit different. Association is when you know that when you do something, the same reaction will happen. So if every time Maddy leaves you in the room alone with her, and she begins to cry then Maddy comes and takes over, she knows that when she cries because mom left, mom will come right back. The same thing happens when you feed her. If when you give her a bottle and she playes a game of pushing it away with her tongue Maddy takes over, she'll learn that all she needs to do for mom to feed her is push the bottle away with her tongue while you're feeding her. Make sense?

If she lets you keep trying for a little while, Emily might come around to it. For instance, if she is pushing the bottle away and Maddy doesn't take over, she'll eventually realize that you're feeding her this time and she'll start to eat for you. And the same thing with her crying. When she's crying, Maddy needs to let you have a good chance at calming her down before coming and taking over, because if she gives in to taking over every time, then Emily will always cry anytime mom leaves (Which will make it very difficult for to to have any alone time with her, to have someone babysit, etc.). She has to become used to you, but Maddy has to let that happen too.

[ 02-28-2009, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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shirrell
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i think i kno how u feel mi little gurl will be 3 this year she's the joy of mi world but when she first was born it was so hard in i was only 16 but in i was doing everything bi miself her dad was no where to be find it was so hard going from school to work boy i'll tell u it ain't no fun.so i tell anyone thats not where they want to be in life is to wait.

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wish on it,in it'll come true

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Heather
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Hey, Harvey. I just wanted you to know that I'm back in town. Very badly jet-lagged, but back and will be getting back to my routine this afternoon. I'll leave Maddy a note, as well.

I've just caught up with all of this: it sounds like you've had some pretty major positive changes during the days I've been gone! How are you feeling?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Blue Griffin
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Harvey,

Just now catching up on you and your progress with your daughter and with your self and for what it is worth wanted to give say I am proud of you for making the shift and the choices you've made to work through all this.

When I heard you went out drinking in reaction to all the stuff I figured you needed to go there to see and feel a bottom, sometimes we need to hit a wall, or see that we are going to hit a wall, before we turn around. I commend you for whatever you did to turn yourself around, also grateful that you had some friends who were able to support you to do what you need and want to do.

I can say from my own experience of dealing with drinking and with choices I've made to deal with my stuff that things are going to be hard, but not as hard as doing it alone.

I look forward to hearing about how amazing your daughter is and how great you are doing as a dad. I know you can do it.

Blue

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Harvey_1990
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im fine...im tired im fed up my daughters getting on my nerves maddys getting on my nerves
emily crys maddy moans about every thing
i want to go out with my friends so badly i could cry so im not fine im crap but im surving

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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Perhaps we should talk about why it is Maddy is unhappy, and how you two can better communicate and work on things?

Have you gone to any of that family counseling yet?

In terms of Emily, babies cry: it's how they communicate before they have language, and there is nothing to be done about that, honestly. It's just a matter, I think, of you recognizing that and recognizing that this is part of the choice you made.

[ 03-03-2009, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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i dont know why maddy is unhappy she just moans about ******* every thing i dont know what she wants from me i have nothing left to give her if she wants the clothes of my back she can have them
and no i havent ive sorted it out for when im not at work

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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Okay, so when you don't know what is making someone unhappy, then you need to ask them to tell you why.

You might say something like this, "Clearly, you are unhappy, but I need you to tell me the reasons why, even if you think I should already know. If I know why, then we might be able to work on it."

I would, though, not go to a place of martyrdom here. In other words, I'm sure Maddy has reasons to be unhappy. The mere fact that it sounds a lot like up until very recently, she's parented a kid you had half a part in making mostly without you, and that she'd tried to stay in a relationship with someone actively alcoholic are two HUGE things which are a LOT for one person to deal with, especially unsupported.

I also think you probably do know some of what she wants from you, and know it's likely not material, but about things like you taking more responsibility -- over time, consistently -- and becoming more invested in being an active adult member of your family. And personally? I do think you have these things in you and do have them left to give. I also think you'll feel a lot better about your relationship and yourself when you do.

Might you at least put some more effort into sorting out that family counseling this week? You CAN do that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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I am going on thursday im gonna go ive just had things ive had to sort out with other people i know that sounds like a really bad excuse but ive been busy at work and working again and if im really lucky working some more its not like i say ill do it and sitting on my arse and getting drunk ill do it ive gotta sort this shit out.
Im not stupid she crys and im not in her face but i ask her whats wrong and she tells me its nothing or changes the subject or just ignore me entirely i know i put so much shit on her over the last year with Emily and every thing
i dont wanna say i wanna help her cause i dont even know whats wrong! and i dont know what she wants me to do there proberly is a good reason why shes upset but i dont know what it is
shes stressing me out [Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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I think one thing that might be helpful with the dynamic you're describing is if, perhaps, you could ask her to write down her feelings for you. Obviously, verbal communication isn't working right now. You two might even consider buying a blank notebook so you can keep a shared journal for each other.

How about that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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Cause she stresses me out
im not gonna shout at her i refuse to shout at her i have no right to have ago at her cause shes stood by me and brought up my daughter
i have on right to judge her and im not if shes having a bad day, having a bad week, having a bad month who am i to judge but someone constanstly snapping at getting a huff on and refusing to do to even bother talking to me
ill try the note book thingy i will but it will get on my nerves i just want to go out!! [Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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I hope, Harvey, that you're comfortable enough with me at this point that I can be honest with you and talk with you the way I'd talk to a friend voicing what you are.

I hear that you just want to go out with your mates and get plastered. But what I KNOW is that the life you chose -- you chose to have sex with Maddy, after all, she didn't get pregnant by herself, and you chose to agree to co-parent with her and live with her -- is one that doesn't leave room for that save every now and then. And in order for you to feel better about all of this, you're going to have to make some other choices about doing things that will support you in this life.

Saying that using a tool like a notebook so you can communicate will "get on your nerves" sounds -- I have to say -- pretty juvenile to me. You're both parents now, so you both have a lot of growing up to do and fast. If you are unhappy -- and of course you are -- with the lousy dynamics in your home, you have to take actions to change them. Whining about them, or talking about how annoying being proactive is is nonproductive and doesn't help you grow into the space you need to.

So, yes, someone who is being an uncommunicative as you is not going to leave you feeling good and IS going to be frustrating. But if I understand right, Maddy DID go to the family counseling we started to help you arrange, and you opted out. Maddy IS still being the full-time parent, and you still are only opting in when you want to. Maddy HAS been willing to stand by you, even with the alcoholism, and probably will be willing to try things like the notebook and give it a real chance. Okay?

Yes, this is going to stress you out. Life is stressful, though, and becoming a real adult is stressful. And I totally get how hard it can be -- I've been there myself -- to feel like you've had to grow up faster than others. But when you stop resisting it so much, or sticking in a down-in-the-dumps place about not being able to act like a kid anymore, it usually becomes a LOT less stressful. Do you know what I mean?

[ 03-03-2009, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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yeah i get what you say
do i like what you say...nop not really
is it true...yeah
yeah i wanted to **** off in a strop but i gotta stop acting like a kid throwing a fit when things dont go my way
as much as i wanna sit here and say your wrong your right
i spend to much time moaning about what wrong rather than doing any thing about it

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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...and seriously? You WILL feel a lot better when you can just let go of an attachment to the way things have been and get invested in living the life that you DO have as best you can.

I can absolutely, positively promise you that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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Im sorry for being an absoulute ******* arse hole
im going out but before the hole world jumps to the conclusion im going to get drunk im not im gonna sort my ******* head out

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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I don't feel like you've been that to me. I feel like you've just been voicing how you feel, and that's okay.

I also think you need to give us a bit of faith here: we're not likely to jump to the conclusions you think. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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i went to the counseling family thing
for some reason it was awful
really crap
im not gonna chip out on it just like that but WHOA
i nearly cryed...which was brave of me to do so [Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
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I agree, it WAS brave of you. It was also brave of you to go, and while you don't know me so it may not bear a lot of weight, I'm seriously proud of you for going.

Often with a new therapist, you need to give it a few sessions to get to the better stuff and also to see if a given therapist is a good fit for you. If you're using NHS, mind, you may not have a lot of choice in who you see, but all the same, I'd still go a few more times before drawing any big conclusions.

Again? Good for your, Harvey, and good for you for doing something challenging in the best interest of yourself and your family.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Harvey_1990
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i just couldnt hack it
im not gonna go to just one and then cry about it and not go to any more cause thats gonna help no one
it was proper tough i dont cry and i nearly cryed
but ill go to the other ones cause its gotta be done

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Harvey: Counseling is a very difficult and also a very emotional thing. I am so glad that you went, and it is a very brave thing to do. I also want to say that I see you mentioning you don't cry, do you mean that you just tend not to be someone that cries a lot or is this more with the way you were brought up? Sometimes it helps just to remember that crying is okay - it means that we're really facing a lot and coming to terms with a lot.

I really see a big turn from where you were, and this is one more huge step on the road to where you're expressing wanting to be, so continue to hold that faith in yourself because you've already come so far and are doing so well with working through everything already.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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my dad and my brother where always like boys dont cry when i was a kid but i dont really cry alot any way
i get upset yeah but i dont really cry

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Just so you realize, a lot of boys and men alike do cry, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's a way of dealing with emotions, and it's a healthy way of dealing with them. There's nothing wrong with crying, and there's nothing wrong with not crying. It's about what any one person needs at any time.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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dont get me wrong im not emotionaly bunged up and holding back years or tears i cry when like theres something to cry about but i honestly dont see the point in wasting the engery on crying all the time! i dunno whether that makes me right or wrong
i looked after emily on my own today and she didnt cry! yeah im a little bit proud of myself [Big Grin]

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____*Harvey*____

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Stephanie_1
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Doesn't make you wrong at all, and we cry when we feel we need it - totally normal. Awesome news about staying with Emily today! Sounds like you're really forming that bond with her, and that's so cool to hear. It's also a very big thing for you to be able to say to yourself, and it shows how much work you're put into forming that bond with her. So proud of you and so glad you shared that with us!

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Harvey_1990
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Ahh i dunno whether...its because ive been such a shitty person for the past year or because no one in genral trusts me
but why why WHY is it that today when my mum, my sister and my cousin where round which is fine and nice woo go family! but the minute it comes to emily they go all freaky and talk to me as if i dont understand my own name
im not being all high and mighty because they proberly do know more than me when it comes to emily but how am i meant to learn when my family is on my back watching every mistake i make!
My mum doesnt want me doing counseling either not even a little doesnt want me to do it she full on warned me away from it giving me grief from all angles about telling me i have my family to talk to why do i need that
i wouldnt want to do any thing to hurt my mum i know i sounds stupid but i hide shit from my mum, like how i feel because she dont need any more heaped on her. and she seems so disappointed and upset that i even thought about counseling. i know in myself its something i gotta do. but i gotta look after my mum aswell i feel torn
i just dont know what to do?
i know i should know but i dont and i know im ramberling but i dont know what to do [Frown]

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____*Harvey*____

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Can I ask where you think your mother has gotten her ideas about counseling? In other words, is she a pretty educated person? Do you feel like they are ideas based on a good amount on unbiased information, or -- as I suspect -- they are more about feelings she may have about it related to your father?

Did your mother ever do any counseling of her own?

One of the biggest deals about the transition from childhood to adulthood is differentiating ourselves from our parents, especially when parents are unsupportive of those differentiations. I'm willing to bet that over time, as your mother both recognizes you as a separate adult, and sees what positives counseling can do for you and your family, her opinions may well change.

But for now, you certainly can set limits for her that you need, and in a kind way. A response like, "I understand that you don't like the idea of counseling, but I feel it is one thing which can help myself and my family right now, and it is something I am going to do. I'd like your support, but if you can't extend that to me, please at least respect my feelings as different from yours and keep your opinions about it to yourself for now."

In terms of how she is talking to you about Emily, parents will tend to do that, just because they have been parents before, and often feel a need to be experts. She may be trying to be helpful in her way -- even though it's clearly stressing you out -- and may also be figuring as a young parent, you need even more help.

But here is another area where you get to set limits and boundaries, which I'm guessing, from what I know about your upbringing, probably isn't something people in your family were good at, and you likely did not learn. But you get to get good at that, and it's really important for people to have them in any healthy relationship.

So, here, too, you can say something like, "I understand you are probably trying to help me, but we need to find a way for you to do that where I don't feel suffocated and patronized. I also need you to recognize that I am going to, and want to, learn some of this on my own, and Maddy and myself are also going to develop our own parenting style, like you did yours."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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