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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Teenage mommies? (Page 3)

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Author Topic: Teenage mommies?
Ecofem
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Alice, I just wanted to drop by to say I hear you on all this, and that I agree with all of Lauren's points as well. I had that previous post from awhile back in my mind but rereading it jogged my memory. The advice there is even more important now that you have Nolan. But you know what he's doing is wrong and you know when you don't want to take his **** anymore. We're hoping for the best, whatever that may turn out to be. [Smile]

Good luck, and I hope your weekend is positive!

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Alice
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Lauren, I think I noticed some of those things in myself awhile ago, like before I got pregnant. The abusive behaviors really only came out, and only a little, when both of us were drunk/high. But it's been over a year and a half since I've been on anything, but it's really only getting worse. And Nolan has never been in danger, with the exception of one night that he screamed and screamed and I almost lost my mind. I think I wrote about it somewhere. But I put him down, made my boyfriend get up and help.

I have actually been thinking about talking to my mama friend about someday in the future if she ever feels good about leaving her parents house (because I'm sure she will someday) then maybe we could live together and help each other out. But at this point I can tell that she's not ready yet at all.

Ack. I had a weird night. It was our anniversery, and Nolan was with a sitter. We hung out and talked a little, didn't really fight at all. And in a low self esteem moment/desperate to save our relationship, I did something sexually that I didn't want to do, that I wasn't comfortable doing AT ALL. Oh, and, I initiated it!! What was I thinking?!?! And then, when it was horribly painful and uncomfortable, I had to make him stop, which he wasn't thrilled about, and I felt terrible.

Our original plan today was to do something "fun" together. But instead, he's hanging out with a "friend" (as in, the "friend" who put him in jail). He gave me a little bit of money and told me to go have some fun. Like, what? Fun? So I got a haircut (for the first time in 2 years) and stocked up on baby stuff with the rest of the money. I'm a little disappointed. It's been so long since we've spent time together at all.

My little sister has been watching Nolan for the last few hours, so I'm going to go pick him up, I miss him. And then I think I'll clean my apartment (there's something molding in my sink, it's out of control) and I'm going to organize things in a way that I can leave easily and quickly, if I need to.

At this point I'm going to try to save our relationship (I know I must be crazy) (but I'm not pushing back my sexual limits ANYMORE) maybe just because it would be easier and more convenient to be together. But I'm realistic enough to know that it probably won't work out. But should we try for couples counseling or anything like that? Does anyone think that would even help?
This morning he was talking about moving to Seattle (which is about 40 miles away from here, I think). He would need to find a new job, (because commuting would make no sense, since he would make less money here than he would there), but I could find a job pretty easily. I don't know if removing both of us from where we are would help or not.

(oh and, marriage plans are TOTALLY off. Way totally off. I just wish we hadn't announced it to our families because I've been fielding off the questions)

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Ecofem
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Hi Alice,

Just one point since I only have a minute: Per the sexual things. I know where you're coming from... you know you aren't really feeling up to it (being whatever) but end up even initating it yourself for various reasons (you listed some right here.) And then it happens and you feel more bad afterward because it ended up worse than better.

This to me would be a big stop sign for the relationship. Not because of what you did, but because you mention you've found yourself pushing back your sexual limits repeatedly now. That's not right at all. For your sake, I mean. Your boyfriend may not be a mind reader but he should be sensing you've been shaky about these things. That he "wasn't thrilled" about "having to stop" is a sign that he's being sexually selfish here. (It's hardly surprising in a way, unfortunately, because he's being so selfish in other ways.) This really bothers me, because such behavior is showing he isn't respecting or caring for you enough as a person.

I have been in a sexually abusive relationship before so I know how scenarios can happen and why you feel the way you do. But it's not right: in healthy, respectful sexual relationships, neither partner is pushing the others sexual boundaries nor feeling that s/he is doing so her/himself. If something isn't working at any time, s/he doesn't just stop but is concerned about, certainly not making you feel guilty. S/he can finish the matter in his/her owns hands, if desired. Partnered sex is about intimacy, not personal pleasure, and that seems to be how your boyfriend is treating it.

So that was a very strongly opinionated response on my part, but please do consider how selfishness and respect are in your relationship.

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Alice
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Hey all. My boyfriend and I had a slight breakthrough today. I was packing up, ready to leave when I finally got him to talk to me. We yelled at each other a bit, cried and finally, FINALLY talked. There's been a lot of frustration building up for both of us and I feel a ton lighter right now from getting it all out, and I think he does too. We laughed together for the first time in months.

I was completely honest with him, telling him basically telling him everything I told you guys, plus a bit more. (believe me or not, but there's MORE!) Anyway, some talk from him about me not being able to take Nolan makes me super, SUPER nervous so I'm looking into some legality issues concerning (if anyone wants to enlighten me about that then I'd be happy to listen - let me know if you need me to expand on that).

Anyway, I'm giving us a two week trial. Thinking about counseling, and demanding he gets involved in some kind of drug/alcohol rehab. Maybe I will, too. We both have so many issues, personally and together. He admits we're toxic. And I made it super, super crystal clear that I am so out of here in an instant if I need/want to be. I think he understands.

He's depressed and feeling isolated, seems like maybe even more than me. We're not relating or communicating too well (ETA- um, no duh!), and I am super suspicious of him at the moment because I did a TERRIBLE, awful thing and read his myspace messages. Turns out an ex girlfriend of his (the one he dumped to be with me) seems to be a little bit in love with him. Great, just great. Also turns out he's making secret phone calls to her. (His defence when I brought it up, *although he has no idea that I violated his privacy,*) is that she's the only one he can talk to, super great.

I am realizing that I am way tough, strong and capable. I can take care of myself and Nolan, although I admit I need some help. I am so drained, my whole body is stiff and sore from clenching so much, from fighting. I'm feeling a little empty, a little in need of comfort. Nolan is good for that. I don't know if I want to get too close with my boyfriend at the moment, although it's tempting.

Anyway. I think I'm being fair with giving him a few weeks chance, see if he (and me, too) can shape up a bit. We need help, and we need to listen to each other. I need to get my GED or something... he's been throwing the fact that I don't have my diploma (I was pregnant and dancing 6-8 hours a day! Quit school, too overwhelmed!) in my face, saying a judge wouldn't give me custody 'cuz of that! Are you kidding me!!!!

Alright, I want to stop saying so many negative things. THe point is, I'm giving it a small chance. I know it probably won't work, but I'm desperate. (and if I'm still in this situation is two or three weeks then someone virtually smack me on the forehead, okay?)

Thank you all for your support! I think I would be lost without you!!!!!

(note- his ex happens to be married to a military guy and has a little girl around Nolan's age, so I guess that makes it slightly more understandable. Makes me nervous, though. Resisting temptation to confront her. She's out of state, too, so I know there's nothing physical going on)

[ 03-12-2007, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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Alice
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YES!!!! I got a reply from a job I applied for, as a daycare assistant!!! (a private in home daycare)

She wants me to interview tomorrow. I know my chances of getting this job: not too good. I kind of have a feeling that the announcement that I have a kid (oh, how old are you? 19? Thanks anyway!) will probably squash that.

But it makes me feel hopeful just the same. And you never know, she could be totally cool.

So my spirits are lifted for the day. Today I'm working on organizing/cleaning our apartment. I am only today realizing what a big job it is, I cannot even describe how bad it is. I never realized how much crap I've been carrying around. I'm going to lighten the load, for sure. Just in clothes that Nolan is already grown out of, I have a big pile. I'm going to have my friend with twins pick through it, and everything else I'm donating. Maybe to a shelter, I'm not sure.

At this point, I'm trying to be hopeful about my relationship (guess it's just my mood today). It occured to me this morning, as my boyfriend was being pretty nice to me (us), that we've been down this road. He (or we) messes up, gets confronted about it, and is a perfect partner for a week or two. And then things go back to "normal," which, was you know: not good.

So I don't know what I'm going to do just yet. I want to give it a chance. I'm willing to see it probably won't work, but oh my god how much easier it would be to stick around. I guess I can admit that I'm terrified out of my mind. I don't feel like a grown-up at all. And I guess it can be argued by some that I'm really just not, but whatever. Guess that's why I'm posting on the teen parent's board, huh?

(One funny note, earlier I had Nolan propped up on the couch eating his bottle, which he can hold on his own now, and I was sorting laundry right across from him. The little guy finishes off his bottle and proceeds to just chuck it at me! This kid can throw!!!!! And, he thought it was hilarious! Just cracked up! I admit I laughed a little, too. Probably shouldn't encourage him to nail me with stuff, but it was really funny)

[ 03-13-2007, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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John_Bonsan
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Hey Alice, when you go for the interview ask if there's a chance you could enroll Nolan in the daycare center. You'd have to learn to let go of him at work, or else your employer may think you're just in the job to get paid to play with your son. But I know a lot of women who work in preschools and elementary school classes which their children are enrolled in, and they're just thrilled. They don't need to worry about where their kid is, how they're going to pick them up at the end of the day, if he's safe. As long as you present yourself well, they shouldn't have a problem with you being a young mother. If you go in to the interview with....vomit on an old t-shirt and ripped jeans that have snotty tissues falling out of the pockets, they could get the impression that "Okay, she can't handle herself with one child, how can she deal with a room full of them?" From what I've read, I know you CAN handle yourself with Nolan, but, as you are a young mother, you have to be patient with other people and give them time to understand that. So making a good impression is critical.
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Ecofem
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Good luck on the job interview, Alice!! I think being a young mother makes you even better qualified, not worse. (And who's to say she doesn't have the same background or know what it's like?) I totally agree with John about getting a place for Nolan, too, should you get the position. We certainly all believe in you and your abilities here. [Smile] Hey, if there's space even, you could also use your dance ability and training experience as a "selling" point, saying you could teach an unofficial movement class to the kids every afternoon or so.

I'm glad about your good mood and your progress with cleaning/organizing. (Ugh, that's never easy or fun!) I think donating to a shelter is a wonderful idea, but you could also look into bringing to a consignment/thrift store for a few bucks.

As for your boyfriend situation, you're recognizing patterns and setting limits. We'll see, right? You are a grown-up and totally deserving of the title. As for posting on a "teen" parent's board, nothing wrong with that! I can't say "adults onlys" ones are necessarily any better; and I think it's a friendly place to be, regardless of age, and the reason why I, for one, stick around. [Smile]

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Alice
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quote:
Originally posted by John_Bonsan:
If you go in to the interview with....vomit on an old t-shirt and ripped jeans that have snotty tissues falling out of the pockets, they could get the impression that "Okay, she can't handle herself with one child, how can she deal with a room full of them?"

hahaha... can you see in my window?? That's just uncanny how you know how I look! [Wink] But don't worry, I clean up nice.

Ugh. My hopeful mood has been spoiled by a certain boyfriend of mine picking fights. Actually, maybe *I* was the one picking the fight, but I guess that's not really the issue because the issue is, we're fighting. (surprise, surprise.

I just don't know this this is going to work. I guess I know that I don't want to (and probably shouldn't stick around to be with this guy.... so I guess I'm teetering on the edge of doing the right thing for me and my child, and staying where it's convenient yet toxic.

But then ask me again tomorrow. Maybe I'll change my mind. I'm driving myself crazy, I don't know what I want. Well, at the moment I want to rip his head off and throw it across the street...

What if we can "play nice," we get therapy, (both seperate and together) and we learn to live together? Do you think it's possible? What if I just start playing nice and put on a show for Nolan. If we could stop fighting, stop making this a toxic place to be... if we could raise Nolan together under some kind of understanding...

... well, do you think that would be good for Nolan, or no? Would he see right through us?

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Heather
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Here's my suggestion: put your energy into other things right now.

Into planning and prepping for the new job interview (congrats, gal!), into Nolan, into what you need for you. For right now, put as much energy into the relationship as it takes to just live in moderate peace.

But while you have bigger fish to fry, and more pressing (and probably promising) things to tend to, use your emotional and physical energy wisely, not letting it get sucked into something that just isn't working right now.

You can still take some time to figure out what you want to do with it, but realy, way I see it, right now you have more important places to put your energy, and any relationship that requires constant work and worry every day to this degree? Really not only can't work -- you simply have other things you need to do with your time and energy -- but can't need THIS much effort from YOU and be workable.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alice
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You're right, Heather. I am obsessing. I feel like my child's future is in terrible limbo and I want to fix it now, but obviously I need to take some time (and breathe). I just feel so frickin desperate! And living in moderate peace looks like it'll just take me being fake-happy, which I hate, but gotta do it.

And I guess I have to be nicer, too... last night I was told (by him, of course) that I am just a rude *B, and he said it in a tone and the look on his face told me that he was completely serious. He's called me names before, but those times I could tell he didn't mean it. He means it now. And I very quickly replied that I thought that was a GOOD thing, I'm actually quite proud of it. I can do what needs to be done. He didn't like that answer.

Anyway. I'm off to my interview! I'm looking quite spiffy, if I do say so myself. All vomit and snot has been scrubbed off my body. Nolan has never looked sweeter. I'm thinking about tying a ribbon in my hair but then again I don't want to look too nice.

I'll let ya'll know how it goes.

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In Love With My Baby
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Good Luck Alice!
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Alice
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I didn't get the job, but I'm not too upset. She really, really liked me... but, it was a christian-based thing, with big pictures of crosses and everything. I got the picture right away, but I continued on with the interview as best I could, mostly only for my own sanity and knowing that I could do it.

I kind of figured I wouldn't get it anyway. But it felt pretty good for someone to want me. She seemed pretty bummed that I wasn't married and happy and going to church all the time. But that isn't me, and there's no way I could fake it, even for a job I really wanted.

My two best friends from high school (who I haven't really seen a whole lot, obviously since our lives are pretty different) came over tonight. I have missed them, so I was pretty happy to see them. And they got that my boyfriend and I are having problems, just from the tension in the air. Having people here made me realize how messed up this situation looks. And they used to like him, back when we were dating before I got pregnant.

Like Heather suggested, I'm not going to put all of my energy into trying to fix this anymore. But, one thing I noticed today was that the tiniest little things one of us would say would set the other one off. I mean, something like "please don't put your stinky shoes over here, put them over there instead" turns into "you are such a... (and then a bunch of words that I'd get banned from posting)

So I guess we need to back off quite a bit. The highs and lows of my moods lately have been pretty dramatic. I'm even getting on my own nerves, so I can imagine he's pretty irritated with me right now.

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Ecofem
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I'm sorry to hear about the outcome, Alice, but better jobs will come along! Some judgemental woman is definitely not someone you'd want to work for! (Maybe this was more off-line, but employers aren't really allowed to ask about your marital status/children/etc.) But great for making it through the interview (and realizing it wasn't something you wanted but sticking with it!) The more practice the better; now you'll be an old hat at future interviews. Keep up the momentum to look for other jobs! [Smile]
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Heather
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Aw, poop. Sorry, Alice.

I can ask around with a couple friends in your area per if they know of other openings, too, and I'd also suggest calling that opportunity I emailed you about that DarkChild suggested.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alice
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Lena, this was pretty off-line, as she was running a daycare out of her basement. She didn't really ask about my marital status, but a glance to my empty ring finger probably answered the question.

I'm still applying everywhere! I was talking (actually talking, only yelling a little) to my boyfriend this morning about a daily daycare job vs. something like being a waitress as a high class place earning hecka tips. And I'm kinda thinking that us working opposite shifts (he works days 8 - 6) would help keep our place peaceful, and we could share Nolan without having to really spend a whole lot of time together.

He kind of agrees. He says that he misses me, and by that he means the me I was before Nolan, I think. Although I can't really state that as a fact, because he wouldn't elaborate.
But I am who I am now, like it or not. I love being Nolan's Mommy. I just gave him a bath in the sink, and I think it was his last because he was climbing out. Big boy bathtub time! He also discovered his penis for the first time, too. It was adorable.

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Heather
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Funny how many people underestimate how much change becoming a parent -- especially when that also means being pregnant, giving birth, nursing and the lot -- changes a person, isn't it?

It's always been so funny to me over the years to have users here comment that though I'm the age of many of their parents, I seem to them so unlike their parents.

And more than anything else, my sense of the big differences there are have been that I simply am not and have never been a parent. [Smile]

I'm not sure what there is that's more life-changing than that, really.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alice
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Yeah, very true. It's funny how age plays into that as not being so discriminating. My brother and his amazingly wonderful girlfriend are 30, and expecting their first child in August. (I'm so excited! Nolan is gonna have a cousin!) Anyway, I'm already noticing the parent changes taking place, at least the thought processes, and it's interesting that although I may be eleven years younger, it happened to me first just the same. And they're actually asking me questions, as if I am some wise older member of the club.

Obviously, same can be said of relationships. Different things matter now. I kind of expected our relationship to stay the same, and boy was I ever wrong. Even if it hadn't gotten so negative I know it still would have changed dramatically.

There is a whole 'nother human being dependant on me (or us), and of course that's going to change my habits and opinions, at least a little.

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John_Bonsan
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Well I'm sorry the job didn't work out, but no one job is right for everyone. =) I'm an active member in my church, so I'm aware of how some people can get. I guess it's all about practicing what you preach. If it was a Christian-based place where you're telling children to go to church and all that, and you aren't religious, that really isn't the place for you. It isn't good for you, the daycare center, and..maybe the kids.--who knows how aware they are of what's happening around them.

All of my brothers were practically obsessive with grabbing their penises. When they were able to coordinate the reach and looking down thing they did that whenever it was readily available. At least it isn't a sexual thing---at least not for a couple of years. Babies just want to grab whatever is around.

Heather, young people will listen to anyone who isn't their mother/father. =) Or...someone you're constantly around. I was around my mom, my dad, guidance counselor, relatives...Eventually I just tuned them out--to an extent. But I listened to my teachers---who were rotated around every year. I listened to my friend's parents. I think it's just the fact that they're looking at my situation from an objective point of view.

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John_Bonsan
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I was sitting down holding Amelia earlier, reading a story, and I turned the lamp a bit so I could see. Well before I ever got to start reading, her eyes were locked on that...lamp..pully string thing. The beaded one, that..you pull to turn on the light. Her hands reached out to touch it, but...1.) She can't reach it and 2.) It's a hot lamp XD I'm not letting her touch that. So...We put the book away, and I got out her play gym mat...which she never had much interest in. Well she started to bat at the animals and giggle. I'm so excited, I think her hand-eye coordination is developing pretty fast. She can't pick things up yet...but she looks at them, and can reach for them. Big step. =)

She grew bored of it in a few minutes....so now I've got her in my lap. And...she's sleeping...and I'm afraid to move her. So I'm stuck here!

I'm so excited for this weekend...her first parade--St. Patrick's Day. She was around for the Christmas parade, but we were in the hospital. Now, she's healthier, stronger, and enjoys being out of the house. So we should have a lot of fun.

[ 03-16-2007, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: John_Bonsan ]

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Alice
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That's great, John! I remember when Nolan first started grabbing, I was SO exciting. Pretty soon she'll be picking things up, tasting things, and before too long she'll knock over the play mat toys by standing up on them.

Nolan got his first piece of zwieback toast today! That crap sure is messy. He got about halfway through it when he bit off a chunk, so I grabbed it then. His doctor says he's totally ready for that stuff, but I'm being pretty cautious about it, I just don't know if he's ready for real. He's teething pretty bad, I can see the tooth that's about to break the gum-skin. So naturally he's chewing away on anything I give him. I caught him chewing on a (fake) leather shoe of mine today. Sometimes I think I had a puppy instead of a human baby.

We had a good day today, went to a friend's house. Believe it or not, I actually have friends. And about 3 of them still like me, which is actually pretty dang great right now.

Boyfriend and I are getting along ok tonight. We're both just being super, super careful of each other, not getting too close. I think he's just happy because I made dinner for once, and not only that but I actually cooked the chicken to add to the veggie stir-fry stuff for him, which I almost never do. I hate touching meat. But, I felt kinda like I should tonight. It's been a tough week for both of us.

Have fun at the parade, John! Hopefully tomorrow will be as nice as it was today, because I want to take Nolan down to the bay to hang out in the sun and fresh air, plus I think my dad will be down there fishing, so I can show Nolan off to my dad's friends.

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John_Bonsan
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The parade was canceled---the roads are icy and it was too windy for anything. So we went to the city!...New York... There's a theater that has a few shows over the weekend that are baby-tolerant. It's for new parents, or parents with younger children, so we can go and see a movie, without having to get a sitter, and without bothering anyone around us if the baby starts crying. I'm sure other theaters have it...that are closer to home. But we were long overdue for a day trip. After the movie we went over to FAO Schwarz...and now that she's three months...there are a lot of toys she's able to have, and play with. Maybe not play with yet---but soon! They had the cutest patchwork toys---we got her a bunny and a teddy bear. If you like that style---patchwork, floral patterns--check it out, they're on the website. They're really soft, and soft. I can picture her still having them when she's three, dragging it all over the place. Or at least that's what I see in my head. She can't really hold it yet. XD I can...place it...in her arms...when they're in a certain position. But as soon as she moves it's down. Not really the attachment I had pictured!
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xneed2knowx
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Can I say hello here, or am I interrupting someone else's post? I hope not, if so kick me off! Sorry!

I just wanted to say hello because I am a teen mom too. I have a son who will be two next month. To answer the first question on this thread, I am not with his father but am involved in another relationship.

I can relate to you Alice about feeling like a single parent even though you are in a relationship. My bf is not my childs father so I guess can't blame him for not caring. He likes to talk about how lazy I am while he's at work and says I don't do anything - well hell, I guess chasing after a 23 month old all day is just an extracirricular activity.

Anyway that aside it's good to see other teen parents on this board.

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-Lauren-
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(No, no! Please share your experiences here; that's what it's here for. Young mamas face lots of stigma, and it can be so refreshing to relate to one another. Thanks for sharing. [Smile] )
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4guysand3gals
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I was a teen mama, 15 when my son was born. My pregnancy and his birth gave my life purpose & directed my attention to the positive.

My baby will be 19 in June.

It was not easy and people looked down on me and passed great judgements. Here I sit today just as proud as I was 19 years ago when I discovered my pregnancy.

His father suffered from manic depression and committed suicide when I was three months pregnant so there I essentially was on my own. My mom and gram were a good support system.
The world is wide open to you and can place no limits on what is possible.

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Alice
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need2know: Yeah, I like how you phrased that. It's totally just an extracuricular.

4guysand3gals: Thanks for posting! Sounds like you did a great job, that must have been really hard. Your son is my age. Time flies, doesn't it?

Well, I had a seizure yesterday. I have epilepsy, so it wasn't a shock. I had the flu and I didn't keep down my meds, I guess. Luckily Nolan was strapped into his highchair, so he was fine. There are a lot of hours I don't remember. I guess at one point some Jevhovah's Witness's knocked on my door and I somehow managed to open it and collapse outside, begging them to save my baby.

They called 911 and firemen came, gave me oxygen and stuff because I was unresponsive. I barely remember this. One thing I remember, though, is one of them went inside my apartment and actually walked around it, came outside and had the audacity to sneer: "It's a disaster in there but at least they have food!" Talk about unprofessional.

My neighbor (who is also a Witness) came over and sat with us, basically taking care of Nolan until my boyfriend got home. The firemen didn't think I needed to go to the hospital but I ended up going later because I had a terrible migraine and was dry heaving. I hit my head TWICE so I figured I should go in. I had the nicest nurse EVER. It was the first time I'd gotten an IV that didn't hurt like hell. (and I've had A LOT of IV's in my 19 years of life) And I let her know that she did a super job at it and she seemed to appreciate the thank you, I guess they don't get thanked too often.

She told me that I seemed like a great mama, after I got the dilloted (amazing pain meds) and spilled my heart to her. She said I should call and complain about that one fireman.

It took them an hour to get me into a room, but then no one even looked at me for three hours, while I was dry heaving into one of those (tiny) blue bags. So that sucked, because I was in so much pain and we couldn't figure out how to dim the lights so I was wearing my boyfriend's sunglasses. A nurse came in and promised meds but then didn't come back for two hours. I understand they were busy, but man did that suck. Once I got those meds I was on Cloud Nine.

I'm just happy that both Nolan and I are okay. My mom watched him while I was at the hospital, and my boyfriend stayed with me and was pretty nice, he left to get dinner and then he came right back when it became clear I would be there for awhile. And honestly this is another reason on the list of why I'm scared to raise him alone. I'm fine on medication, but if I even take one a little late, I have a seizure. Plus I don't have medical insurance right now and eventually I'm going to run out and then what?

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Ecofem
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Hey Alice,

I'm out of town so I can just drop in quickly. Your seizure sounded quite scary, but I'm glad to hear that you and Nolan are safe!

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Alice
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I'm still pretty sore, but I think I'm doing better than I used to when I had seizures more often. In those days, before Nolan, I would spend a week just sleeping. I think my body would get stiffer from doing that. Especially since one time I had a HUGE dance performance the next day, I did pretty well after that one.

Obviously this time I'm running after Nolan, since the kid is actually taking STEPS now, at 7 months!! Lucky me. He said dada the other day, and my boyfriend was incredibly shocked and happy, so that made me happy for him. (he already said mama, too)

Ugh, I'm not a huge fan of my boyfriend's parents. I'm bitter about how they raised him, and how they've treated us. Anyway, his mom has tried to called my son "NoNo" and I've asked, very politely, for her to not do that. We trying to teach him "no" and it seems to me that could confuse him. Especially since he's walking so early, he needs to learn it FAST. He gets into things before I can even run to him.

He decided not to sleep last night, so I'm pretty tired. I'm hoping he'll take an early, and long, nap today. He was up (and screaming) every 45 minutes. Plus he had a minimal nap yesterday. He's super cranky right now, and so am I honestly.

My mom took him for two hours last night, which was really nice of her. She even gave him a bath and trimmed his nails, which I've been avoiding since I had the seizure. It makes me nervous, I only like to do it when there's someone else here. Especially since my body is adjusting from a new dose of meds. So he was getting pretty scummy. And my boyfriend refuses to bathe him, or trim his nails, ever. I really appreciate that she just did it instead of critisizing me for not doing it.

[ 03-23-2007, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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John_Bonsan
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I've been floating around some other parent forums, and I've come to the conclusion that no matter what age you are parenting is difficult. I believe that younger parents are singled out because their unplanned pregnancies are magnified. In our society completing university and being married and having a stable job are the norm before having a baby, and when we see young people with a baby, I think many people's minds set off a signal letting them know marriage and university and a stable job just aren't possible to happen, or have happened yet (no matter how wrong these signals may be), and this bothers them.

I was thinking about older people who have unplanned pregnancies, and many problems are the same. Economically, if you didn't plan for a baby, it's not going to be easy to pull money out for all the expenses, especially in today's world.

Granted if you're older it's a possibility....with time to save adding up.

Which leads me to my next point. If people do have savings, they must have been saving for something. Going to (back to) school? Traveling? Starting a business? Buying a boat? With a new baby, 19 or 39, it'll be hard to make those things happen for at least a few years. And material possessions aside, consider things like retirement and moving up in your career... Babies make that hard.

And relationships! Relationships are strained when a new life enters the picture no matter what. Planned or not that baby is going to test your bond. Not only with your partner but with your friends. Of course you can get friends who have babies too, but with an infant spitting up on your shoulder it will be hard to match the level of sophistication you held before the baby.

These are just my views...how I interpret what I've seen. I just think that society puts too much emphasis on teen pregnancies, when we really should be dealing with unplanned pregnancies as a whole.

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Heather
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I think those are really astute observations, John.

The only thing to add to that is that, particularly when we're talking about teen pregnancy, rather than teen parenting, are the extra health risks pregnancy poses for younger teen women, short and long-term. There are also often extra emotional risks, as well as larger life risks, because statistically and practically, quite often the youngest teen mothers do not have same-age partners, but men who are older, plenty even substantially older, and/or male partners who leave and provide no co-parenting or support. (It's also worth noting that often the youngest pregnant teens don't get adequate health care for themselves or their babies, for numerous reasons.) Too, the stigma is profoundly stronger on women who become accidentally pregnant (and who have sex outside of marriage, or in their teens, even if they don't become pregnant) than it is on men. (In fact, teen men often get a lot more props for sticking around to parent: teen women are just expected to, period, and if they don't, they're considered seriously monstrous, whereas men are more often just considered jerks for not sticking around, and jarks meeting the expectation.)

So, when thinking about these things -- though again, I'm right there with you on what you've said -- I'd just be sure to remember that a) all things aren't anything close to equal for men and women when it comes to these things, abd b) pregnancy and parenting aren't the same. Might also want to bear in mind that an unplanned pregnancy for a guy at your age, in your twneties, is really a very different thing much of the time than it is for a young woman of 15, even if health, interpersonal and social issues weren't a factor: a LOT of personal development happens in those few years.

P.S. Young mommas and poppas? When we get the site all upgarded, I really hope you'll consider writing a piece for the In Your Own Words section -- I think it'd be great to hear from you, Alice, and you, John, about any arena of your experiences. (And in case you don't already have this figured out, you by no means should feel inclined to write a piece just about your negatives as some morality tale.)

[ 03-26-2007, 11:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Alice
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First of all: Heather- I would love, love, LOVE to write a piece. Maybe like a pro and con thing? Because there are perks, and there are pretty obvious down sides.

Like tonight. Big, huge, super bad fight. I got a little afraid for my and my son's safety. Right now my bf is locked in our room, hopefully sleeping. I just went for a drive. I slipped $20 out of his wallet for gas, I was on empty. I got a prepaid card so because I couldn't go in and pay cash. But the stupid thing wouldn't work. I was going to run away. But silly me didn't bring the diaper bag. So I'm home. Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's house, and she already said I can spend the night there.

I don't think I'm sleeping tonight. Makes me nervous, though, because one huge risk of seizures is not sleeping. So maybe I'll sleep in the morning, with doors locked, while he's at work.

I'm gathering up everything I need. Title for the car, ssn cards, my meds, every penny I can find, and everything Nolan needs. Even if I don't end up leaving, I'll feel pretty good to be able to take off. I'm a little nervous about him just taking my car... he has a key... but his license is suspended at the moment, so I guess I could report him for that and get it back, but I don't know.

Please think good thoughts for me. I'm a little freaked out. I've had a lot of panic attacks tonight. Really stressful day. My dad came over and yelled at my brother (who was suspended from school and at my house) and told him he wasn't welcome to come home. He was even yelling at me. Nolan was screaming, he was scared and I was mad. Now my bro is at our mom's house.

I'm shaking right now and I feel like I can barely get enough air. Luckily we just put 300 min. on our cell (that we share), so I'm taking that. I don't feel guilty for taking money from him, after all, I take care of the child he fathered.

I'm trying to take deep breaths and good thoughts. I'll try to check in here soon, if I can.

Thank you to all of you who have helped me and believed in me and supported me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I honestly don't know where'd I'd be if I hadn't come here. I'm pretty desperate right now. I feel like I need to cry. I wish I could, but I'm kind of feeling cold and stone-y right now. I'm having urges to cut that I haven't feel in 2 years and it's scaring me really bad. But that won't help Nolan, so I'm resisting.

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Heather
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Hey Alice: I'll be in your neck of the woods this weekend -- I'll drop you an email about it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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Hey Alice, I just read this-- I'm thinking good thoughts for you and Nolan. Yes, definitely don't feel bad about taking the phone, gas money, etc. Maybe you could keep some diapers and supplies in another bag, so at least you'd have a few basics? And good for you for resisting cutting-- that's really tough. I hope you have a good afternoon (and I look forward to your piece for the site!)

[ 03-27-2007, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Alice
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Thank you, both of you.

Last night we got into another one of our huge fights. And he said that if I don't talk to him (as if I haven't been doing that all along) and if things don't get a lot better fast then he's leaving. And I was like: are you kidding me? I've been saying that for WEEKS!

He wanted to hash it out right there, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from my long day, I couldn't deal with it.

And even as I type this, I'm getting really dizzy and like I can't breathe, I think I might be about to pass out or have a seizure. (NOT trying to scare anyone) By some miracle Nolan is still sleeping, so I guess I'll grab him and put him in his playpen, just in case.

Thanks for the good thoughts.

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Ecofem
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I'm sorry that another huge fight happened... yeah, you talking may be important but it also involves him actively listening! And such discussions aren't really good after rough days and big fights.

Now that it's evening, you feeling any better, Alice?

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Alice
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Yeah, I'm okay. I spent the day at the hospital, though. Just a few minutes after I wrote that I knew that something bad was happening, the walls were caving in on me and I was blacking out. So I put Nolan in his playpen and called 911. I don't remember much after that, but I guess they showed up and after I was unresponsive (didn't know my own name or my b-day, just kept asking where Nolan was) they decided to take me to the hospital.

They think I was just suffering from some serious exhaustion, possible malnurished and stuff like that. I'm upping my meds. (sorry about typos, I'm pretty out of it right now)

So I'm fine. Stressed. My bf is being nice to me and treating me like I'm fragile, which is good. I'll let ya'll know what the heck is really wrong w/me, once I find out.

And Nolan is, of course, fine! He flirted with ALL the nurses. It was adorable, as messed up as I was.

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