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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Teenage mommies? (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Teenage mommies?
Alice
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Nolan and I just got home from a photo shoot at my friend's house. They had to take abstract black and white, so they used us. It was actually pretty fun, and Nolan was nice and calm, plus he was really excited because he wanted to play with their dog.

We went to the doctor today, Nolan is 100% better. I am so happy about that. But at the doctor's office I had a bit of an embarassing moment.... The doctor asked me if I had a good night last night, and I asked why, he pointed to my shoulder area and I looked down, but it took me awhile to realize I had this huge hickey on the side of my neck. I didn't even notice. I have got to start looking in the mirror before I leave my house. But on the bright side, my boyfriend and I managed to get that close to each other, for once.

Last night Nolan screamed and screamed and screamed. We got no sleep. Finally, I loaded him into the car and drove around for an hour. Then he slept for an hour and woke up and screamed and screamed.... hopefully we won't have a repeat of that tonight.

[ 02-21-2007, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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Mommyat16
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Well an eye cold is just where her eye was red and had some yellow drainage, it was caused from the same virus that gave her the cold.

I'm sorry about that Alice, i know embarrassing, but it involved my dog, the vet's office and him peeing on my leg in front of everyone.....so yea.

Steph loves to get her picture taken, as soon as you put a camera in front of her she starts to smile and pose...it's cute

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Sarah the Momma.....

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John_Bonsan
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I had the best time last night. It was one of the rare times where I was left alone in the house with Amelia. Usually, I'm terrified, because she goes insane. But last night everything went perfectly!

The whole night, she was all smiles. While I gave her the bath she was very giggly. We went into the sitting room for some music-time and she was cooing and smiling as I sang "Shining Star" by the Manhattans. She always does when we sing/play music to her, but the fact that she did it while I was the only one there really made me happy. After that I gave her her bottle, and we had changing time. I then placed her in her crib and read her Goodnight Moon. She didn't seem to want to go to sleep then, so we played with her mobile and I made all the noises of the animal on the mobile. After that I put on Thelonious Monk's Misterioso, which she fell asleep to. =)

It was wonderful. I'm so happy. It's great to know my daughter isn't afraid of me or anything like that anymore.

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poppybluefrogs
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I just wanted to say, reading what you guys are going through really makes me admire you. I don't have any babies of my own, but my ex-boyfriend's cousin has two small children whom i would look after a lot and it just reminds me of all the good and bad times i had trying to get them to sleep because they missed mummy, or when amy was teething. she was a nightmare!

I really admire what you're doing.

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John_Bonsan
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I remember babysitting my brothers, and I used to think "oh this is easy, having my own kids shouldn't be hard." Oh how wrong I was. XDD While babysitting my brothers, I could give them up at the end of the night. At 1am when the parents return home to a screaming kid, I could hand them over and go sleep. Now, when my parents get home at night, and my Amelia is crying her little lungs out, I can't just give her to them. My fiance and I have to deal with this. (Although during the day my parents help tremendously, way more then they probably should...) And babysitting my brothers....I could fool around, I could give them cookies late at night...and, awful as it may sound, neglect them a bit. Because I'm their big brother. There was no REAL obligation there... but with Amelia, I can't do that; I won't do that. Now, with my brothers I have to be responsible, they look up to me. With my daughter though, it's different.

When I was watching her last night, while she was staring at me and I was staring at her, I had a...revelation, I guess. A...'here's my life right now' kind of thing. Not a bad conclusion, it was good, it made me think, and happy, and a little scared. My mind has never made a transition like this before. I realized that...I'm her father. I knew I was her father, but I didn't really KNOW...if that makes any sense. It's like..I look at my dad...and...he's dad. He's there, he's always going to be there, understand me, help me, joke around with me, do whatever for me whenever I need a dad. I'm Amelia's dad. I have to be there to understand her, help her, joke around with her, do whatever for her whenever she needs a dad. Everything my dad did for me when I was growing up, I want to do for her. He was, and is, my hero; I want to be her hero. I suppose some things I do with her will be different. Amelia is a girl. Potty training and puberty will probably be pretty different. And I'm a different person than my father, we're raising her with our beliefs. And...I'm a different person than Amelia. Maybe Amelia won't want to go to concerts or museums, maybe I'll be taking her to science fairs or...dart lessons... But I'm her dad. It's up to me (and...her mother, of course) to make sure she does what she wants to do, that she's happy. I know those things are a little while away, but I'm glad my revelation came now, and not when we're signing her up for her first dance class, or something. I don't think a three year old would need me to explain all of this when she questions the funny look on daddy's face.

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Alice
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quote:
Originally posted by John_Bonsan:
It was wonderful. I'm so happy. It's great to know my daughter isn't afraid of me or anything like that anymore.

You know, I think this is pretty normal. There are times when Nolan just won't stop screaming, but then I hand him over to his dad and he shuts right up. At first I felt really hurt, I thought he liked him better than me... but then he did the same thing the other way around. I don't know WHY, but I think it may have something to do with being anxious, he can sense that. And I'm pretty anxious a lot of the time lately.

This week we're watching my 4 year old cousin. So it's two kids, my boyfriend and I in a one bedroom apartment. I thought it would be a nightmare, but it hasn't been too bad. I've been coming up with stuff for us to do a lot. I think he gets a little jealous of the baby sometimes though. Like when he grabs toys out of his hands. But I just explain to him (for the millionth time) that just because Nolan is a baby it doesn't mean you don't have to treat him with the same respect you would a bigger person.

Right now my boyfriend is at the arcade with my cousin. I dropped Nolan off at my dad's house so that we could have some one-on-one time with my cousin, and so Nolan could have some peace and quiet for a nap. I just had to run home and grab my boyfriend's wallet and our cell phone because he changed his pants and left that stuff in them, can't have Nolan at a sitter's with no cell phone.

But I couldn't resist sitting down in the peace and quiet (because I need it, too!) and eat a yogurt and check stuff on here. But I better get going because before I left my boyfriend looked and me with desperation in his eyes and told me to hurry, Odyssey 1 was packed with kids and I think he's a little scared of being there alone with my cousin. As much I just want to stay and and stretch out on the couch and watch a movie... all well. Maybe someday.

I hope everyone else's babies are nice and happy today!! I'm glad mine is getting some quiet time and my dad's house, he's been pretty fussy since my cousin has been staying with us.

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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John_Bonsan
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How old is Nolan, Alice? And just a side note--I love that name. [Smile]

Think about it...in a few years he'll be old enough to keep himself occupied. Then, after the chores are all done, you won't have to worry about changing him and feeding him and napping him...you can...lay down and have some 'me time'.

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Alice
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Nolan is about 6 1/2 months old. He's way ahead of the game though, he started crawling around 5 months and now he's pulling himself up to standing all the time. I don't feel ready for that at all. We've already gated off our kitchen and hallway that leads to the bathroom and our bedroom, so he's free to roam the living room and dining room. But it seems like no matter how many times a day I clean up everything and vacuum he still manages to find something small to put in his mouth.

Odyessey 1 was pretty fun. It wore us out. Right now my cousin is laying down watching Superman and Nolan is sleeping on my lap. He just finished his bottle and I'm hoping he's out for the night because I'm ready to get some sleep!

(my epilepsy meds just got the dose upped so I'm feeling extra super exhausted all the time. I mentioned to my boyfriend earlier that I was really tired and he got all irritated and told me that there was no reason to be tired since I slept in for 2 extra hours this morning while he was up with the kids. I reminded him that he went to bed 2 hours before me while I stayed up getting the kids bathed and in bed, but I guess that doesn't count, since he goes to work and makes the money, blah. Another reason why I'm going back to work part time, he acts like taking care of a (actually TWO right now) kids is like a walk in the park).

Plus, I haven't had a period in two months (and I'm not pregnant) but I've been getting really bad cramps all the time, and just not feeling all that great. I think I have a fever right now. I'm probably just super stressed out and I guess I just need to calm down a bit. Nolan totally feeds off my stress.

[ 02-25-2007, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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Mommyat16
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Oh Alice, man babies just KNOW when the perfectly BAD time to get fussy is, when you're sick, tired, and just feeling crappy. But i've figured out that even if i and mad about something just to be smiley with Stephanie and she will never know there is something wrong so she won't get cranky with me.

Babies are a mystery but once you figure it out, it's not as hard. But I am lucky, Stephanie is a VERY happy baby, even though she was sick for a week she till played and had the biggest smile on her face. Granted, there were a few times where she was cranky but that was to be expected right?

So i guess between the three of us(john, alice, and I)my little one is the oldest. She is almost nine months and is trying to walk. She already wants to crawl the world...hehe. I want to get tone and fit, so i was thinking of getting a gym membership for a few months, because when steph can walk, or run, i will be following her ALL over the place and that get me nice and tone....

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Sarah the Momma.....

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Alice
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Oy. What a night I had. I put the baby in his crib around 10:00. He slept peacefully for about 1 1/2 hours, and then I was awakened by his shrill screamed. I do not know what his problem was, but he screamed and screamed and screamed. The only thing that was quiet him down slightly was for me to walk holding him facing out with my arm around his tummy, bouncing just a little. Well, I was exhausted as it was at like 8:30, so I'm sure you can imagine how I felt around 2am.

He finally fell asleep again, for about 45 minutes. When he woke up screaming again I just started crying because I was so dizzy and my stomach cramps were awful, coming hard and fast and reminding me of contractions when I was in labor (and of the 2 ovarian cysts I've had). I held Nolan, trying to get the kid to shut up, and I got so frustrated and I said a lot of things that I really regret now. I feel terrible. I told him to shut the blank up, I threatened to throw him out the window, I threatened to leave him on someone's doorstep... I was so tired and in so much pain that I felt like I was going crazy.

When I got up I fell down and starting hyperventilating because my stomach hurt so much. This is when my boyfriend finally decided to get up and help me (because I had been in our room this whole time because I didn't want to wake up my cousin, who was in the living room sleeping). But he acted like it was such a huge thing that I told him to go back to bed, I could handle it. But he rolled his eyes at me like I was a crazy woman and told me he was taking Nolan for a drive. So I went into the bathroom to throw up and then went back to bed.

When he got back for some reason he left the keys in the car and rang the doorbell and pounded on the door forever until I woke up and let him in, thus waking up the 4 year old. I was like, are you kidding me. He said that he left the keys in the car so he wouldn't wake up Nolan by taking them out. Whatever. So I had to get my cousin back to sleep.

Nolan woke up a few more times, finally up for good at about 6:am. Right now he's taking a nap, and I'm dealing with my cousin, and I'm about to just pass out. I'm so tired. I have to take him to "the lego place" a little later, but I'm getting my 17 year old sister to come and help me because I just don't know if I can handle two kids in a busy place like the little mall we're going to.

( and someone please tell me they can relate to being so frustrated that they just want to throw their child out the window because I feel like scum and I want to know this is normal, and if it's not I'm giving my baby up for adoption and checking myself into a mental hospital ((only being slightly dramatic there)) )

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Heather
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Alice: feelings of frustration are certainly normal, especially among new parents, and all the more amoung parents doing their parenting alone or with little to no help.

However, it's absolutely wise, when you're having the dgeree of frustration you are, to the point that you have impulses like this to Get. Some. Help and Support.

Lemme say that again, just in case: You need to get some help and support.

This includes, too, limits. Why were you watching another child right now when you have little or no help with Nolan?

Let's PLEASE put real effort into finding more support for you and more ways for all of this to work for you. We can talk about that there, but you also have my email, and I'd be happy to discuss it with you privately. But I'd suggest making this your absolute first priority, as I would making your mental health your absolute first priority. This may include things like flat out saying "No, I can't handle this right now," to whomever asked you to also care for your cousin. This may include things like drawing a hard line with your boyfriend/babydaddy in terms of the support and effort he needs to start making, or even making a choice that having him around is more stressful for you than NOT having him around. This may include making effort to get a co-op going of other nearby Moms, getting some counseling or a support group, or just making your own network you truly can rely on. But all of these things are doable, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alice
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You're right, Heather. I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. I don't have limits and boundries, but when my uncle asked if I would watch my cousin for 8 days about a month ago I agreed, because at the time I didn't think it would be so bad, and because he's paying for it and I really need the money. He's a sweet kid, he would be staying with his mom except she's using crack and having a bipolar episode. He feels abandoned and confused and I've been trying to help him by supplying a good stable routine with him here... I have him until Saturday.

But I am so stressed out. Luckily Nolan slept for most of last night. He woke up once but I just cuddled him in my bed and we both fell back asleep. And I got my income tax check in the mail so we'll be able to make our rent this month, which is always a plus (and a surprise). So my stress level has been decreased slightly. My stomach still hurts a lot, though.

I have one friend with baby twins who we're going to see next week, and I also have a woman who has been a really great friend and helped me through a lot, but I haven't seen her in months. I've been thinking about calling, though...

I don't think anyone around me really can see what my life has been like (except for my boyfriend, except maybe not even him) and in a way I don't want anyone to because I got so irritated at everyone telling me how I'd ruined my life and how we weren't going to make it and how stupid I was to be pregnant. So now they all think I'm doing super, just based on how beautiful and happy and healthy Nolan is, which has been fine by me. And he really is, he amazes me everyday with how much he learns and how sweet he is. I don't know how I can be so lonely and so stressed and feeling so hopeless with this little guy around. It makes me think that I'll just never be okay, that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.

My boyfriend and my relationship is practically nonexistant. All we do is fight, and it's leaning on the edge of physical lately. Sometimes I wish that he would just hit me so I could have a good, solid reason for leaving him.

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Heather
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I'm going to pose a question to you. You don't have to answer it, just think about it, okay?

SO much of the time young mothers, young women who become pregnant, period, are SO maligned, get SO many messages that they deserve whatever "punishment" they get as a reult of having the unmitigated gall to become pregnant (note sarcasm). Often, pert of that "punishment" is supposed to be being a mother, having a child, etc.

So, sometimes when things are going wrong, when things are crazy and painful and impossible to manage, sometimes there's some internalization of all those messages that leads young mothers to feel like they DESERVE to be punished, deserve to be unhappy, isolated, the works.

Do you think it's possible that some of that is playing into any of this?

Just give it some thought.

For instance: your boyfriend doesn't need to hit you to justify your leaving a crappy relationship that isn't healthy for you or your child. In fact, no one ever needs to justify terminating a relationship PERIOD, but if you feel you need that, constant fighting, guilt-tripping, lack of real help? That's enough, gal.

Call your friend, Alice. At the very least. Look into more of your options per social services, the works. if you want help, I'm glad to help: again, you have my contact stuff and while it's hardly an offer I make every day, you're close enough that if you want in-person help to go look into all this stuff, I'd earnestly be GLAD to swing that, okay?

Please understand that you're also allowed to feel all the things ANY parent, especially a new parent, feels. You're allowed to be exhausted, you're allowed to be frustrated, you're allowed to be scared, you're allowed to second-guess yourself nd worry about your future. None of these things mean you've messed up or ruined your life. They mean you're a parent, which you are, and they're not unique to you, I promise. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alice
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You are entirely right about a lot of things, Heather. And you remind me of something my mom said to me a while ago, about certain bad things happening and that I really shouldn't complain because, well, what else do I expect from getting knocked up in high school?

As I read your post I couldn't stop myself from crying, I don't know why. Last night my beautiful little Nolan decided to do one of his screaming episodes so I made some coffee and drove him around for an hour. There's something wrong with me, I don't know what it is. I'm not myself. I fantasized about just "heading for the hills," taking off and never looking back. My boyfriend and I had gotten in a fight as I was lugging Nolan out the door and I was feeling pretty miffed because he basically called me crazy. But now I'm starting to think he may be right, I'm losing my marbles.

And honestly, the only thing that kept me from running away with my baby is the reality that I was low on gas, had minimum cash, and I hadn't grabbed the diaper bag so I was without Nolan's essentials. I knew that I wouldn't get too far on the money I had and feed him at the same time..... so I went home and slept for maybe 45 minutes.

I know that I need some kind of help. You're right. I don't know where to start or what to do. I feel completely helpless, which isn't like me at all. Usually I roll my eyes and whiny people who don't know how to help themselves, because I managed to get myself out of all sorts of hairy situations until now, since I gave birth to this child I feel completely stupid. And, I don't think I have your email anymore because I changed accounts and forgot to save my contact list.

[ 02-28-2007, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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Heather
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Alice: have you by any chance talked to your doctor about post-partum depression?

Because I'd hardly be surprised, at all, if that wasn't part of the issue here. Post-partum is nothing to diminish or dismiss, because it's effects can be profound, long-reaching, and very difficult to manage without real help.

(And I'll email you again today.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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John_Bonsan
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-Hugs- I'm sorry things have been going rough for you, Alice. But I'm sure Heather and your Doctor and Nolan will make sure you get past it all with a smile on your face. Just wait till Nolan has a good day, and you get some time to...oh I don't know, sleep?

Somehow I've been getting by on less then two hours of sleep a night. I nap at my lunch at school, and eat in class, so that might help keep me going. It can't be healthy though, I've been feeling really bad lately....dry is the only word I can think of the describe it. Eyes, mouth, ears, stomach...everything feels dry, no matter how much water I drink. That might be because of the sleep... But on Friday nights when we get someone to babysit, what used to be going to the movies/dancing/park/dinner with Elizabeth, is now getting a long night's sleep.

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Alice
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Ugh, somehow my dad found out that my boyfriend and I are sleeping in separate rooms, my sister probably mentioned it, I don't know. Anyway, he gives me a funny look and tells me that I "can't neglect your duties to your husband."

Alright so:
#1 He is not my husband
#2 Even if he were, I would still not be obligated to have sex with him on command, or any other time unless I darn well felt like it. In fact, my son and I could leave his *** any second now, and there's nothing that either of our families can do about it
and #3 If anyone refers to him as my husband again I think I'm going to go postal.

Anyone else have this problem?

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-Lauren-
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Well, that seems to be an extreme of the societal stigma that surrounds teen mamas and "sticking with their men". It's also an unfortunate still-held belief about the role of women in a marriage.

They all need to wake up and smell the goddamn coffee. Women can be raped by their husbands. Men of any marital status don't need wives/girlfriends for sexual duties.

More alarming, I'm wondering why your dad was most concerned about you putting out or not, versus the obvious relationship problems you're facing, therefore your need for extra help.

Hang in there, Alice. I know it's crappy. *hug*

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Heather
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Has your father been supportive of you throughout?

Because if not, I find it particularly troubling -- beyond all the general troubles you'd expect anyone to have to a statement like that -- that he's endorsing you take a role of simply serving some guy's desires just because, without regard to your wants, needs and boundaries.

How did you respond to this, Alice?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alice
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He hasn't been supportive at all. When he found out I was pregnant (and keeping it) he shrugged and said something like "if you want to ruin your life then that's fine by me."

This time I responded by stating the fact that he is not my husband. My dad said that he practically is, or may as well be. At this point I've just had it completely and I left.

Also, when my boyfriend and I broke up for awhile last summer my boyfriend went to him for advice (this was before I became pregnant) he said something like "run away while you still can."
Interestingly enough my boyfriend still brings this up (like he did this morning) as a joke and says "I should have run away while I could." Today I responded to that by giving him the hairy eyeball and told him he can go anytime he feels fit.

I am tired of my family, I am sick and tired of my boyfriend's judgemental family. I just watched my spoiled, demonic 4 year old cousin for over a week, and was told that I would be paid the following Tuesday. Didn't happen. I just called him a few hours ago and turns out he can't pay me until he "makes some money first." Well, that's interesting because I was told when I agreed to watch the brat in the first place that I would be paid from his vacation hours money. But today all he told me was "it's coming, I'll try to pay you most of it soon."

I had plans for that money. I need to new glasses, I can't see for ****. I have (past due) bills to pay and when I asked my boyfriend for some money so that I could buy Nolan some baby food I was told that he doesn't need me "wasting money." Umm, because Nolan eating is sure a waste. You know because he's underweight as it is so let's just not feed him because it's expensive, huh?!

I am not going to be a pushover anymore. I'm setting boundries and limits and I'm cutting my family off, because they stress me out and I don't need another ulcer, Nolan doesn't need me to be any more panic-y than I already am.

(ETA- I'm sorry I went on my third online rant of the day. I am extremely frustrated and actually thinking about just moving away from everything and starting over, if only it worked like that)

[ 03-07-2007, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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Heather
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Rant away: anger is a LOT more helpful per motivating oneself than depression, and given all of this, I'd have been pretty darn worried if you weren't feeling seriously pissed off, Alice.

Can I ask something?

Might you be willing to consider looking into a shared house or apartment with another Mom? Someone who gets how you feel, where you two could share sitting and household duties, and in an environment you'd likely be (and feel) far more able to make the postive, needed steps you want to for yourself and Nolan?

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Ecofem
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Oh dear, Alice, I'm really sorry about all of this. And I'm super mad with you about your uncle not paying for your babysitting!!!! Cutting your family off may be hard, but it seems they've only hurt you starting with their abusive past even before you had Nolan. I'm concerned about your boyfriend, too, because his behavior seems manipulative/verbally abusive to me?

Your boyfriend may have talked about leaving, but he's the one who should be "run away" from, gosh! For real, if you've been thinking about leaving, even for a few days, this is the time. I know, I know it's easier said than done, but there is support out there for you should you seek it. You shouldn't have to put up with this crap. [Frown]

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Ecofem
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I wanted to add: Regardless of what you do, having a bag packed with basic baby stuff for Nolan, copies of certificates and important documents for you, plus whatever money you might be able to pull together (like even $20 for gas), and the numbers you could call, might be helpful. That way you at least know you have always that option. (Again, not trying to sound alarming or pressure you, just a suggestion.)

And, like Heather said, please rant away!

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Alice
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Heather, I haven't even thought of that. That could be a good idea. I'm going to give that some thought and get back to you oni t. But I'm still holding out hope that our relationship will survive. Do you think I'm being unrealistic and naive? Because I'm not sure, there ARE good things, I'll try to think of some and post....

Lena, that's a really good idea to have stuff ready. I was actually just thinking about this. I am currently going through our apartment and selling stuff I don't want anymore and giving some stuff away, I'm going to make it to where I can leave with little notice. I'm also currently looking for a job, too.

This morning after he made the joke that he should have run away, we got into an argument and he said something like you're lucky I haven't slapped you. I gave him an earful after that, and told him I was going to print out an abusive partner checklist (from here, of course) and we would read it together. He claims that I would have more on it than him, so tonight we're going to go through it together...

My little sister (who is 17) is actually trying to be helpful. She offered to help me clean my apartment (which is absolutely FILTHY, and for free, but after I get a job I plan on paying her something) or to watch Nolan while I get stuff done. She just called me and said she was bored and hungry (there's never any food at my mom's house because she doesn't like to eat) and asked me if I could pick her up and bring her over here.

I cannot thank you ladies enough for your input. I seriously think that if I didn't have a place to vent and bounce ideas I would have given in to my depression more than I already have.

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Personally?

I think that for right now, the relationshp's survival is secondary. Your is first. If it's salvageable, and worth saving, it will survive if you're living in a situation where you can thrive and take care of yourself and Nolan with real support.

There are good things to pretty much every relationship, even relationships where one party is abused. It's about if it's MOSTLY good, not about if there's something good about it. And it's also about if it is good for YOU. Right now, from what I can gather, it very much is not. Regardles, your living situation is clearly toxic, no? So, changing that -- at least looking into your options so you can know what they are -- strikes me as needed.

Having your sister come and help out is a great idea. And if you're interested even in just looking at alternate living arrangements, just let me know and drop me an email: I'd be happy to help you look and ask around with a few connections I think are close to you who might be able to help.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by Alice:
Heather, I haven't even thought of that. That could be a good idea. I'm going to give that some thought and get back to you oni t. But I'm still holding out hope that our relationship will survive. Do you think I'm being unrealistic and naive? Because I'm not sure, there ARE good things, I'll try to think of some and post....

I agree with Heather that the relationship really comes second right now. However, I'll also add that taking a break or living separately is not automatically an end to a relationship; in fact, it might be a step "needed" to have the relationship continue positively in the long-run.

quote:
Lena, that's a really good idea to have stuff ready. I was actually just thinking about this. I am currently going through our apartment and selling stuff I don't want anymore and giving some stuff away, I'm going to make it to where I can leave with little notice. I'm also currently looking for a job, too.
Always good to get rid of clutter, although the state of the apartment is not entirely your reponsible. Great to hear about the job search!

quote:
This morning after he made the joke that he should have run away, we got into an argument and he said something like you're lucky I haven't slapped you. I gave him an earful after that, and told him I was going to print out an abusive partner checklist (from here, of course) and we would read it together. He claims that I would have more on it than him, so tonight we're going to go through it together...
That was a totally inappropriate comment on his part... I don't know what else to say here, it's a tough situation.

quote:
My little sister (who is 17) is actually trying to be helpful. She offered to help me clean my apartment (which is absolutely FILTHY, and for free, but after I get a job I plan on paying her something) or to watch Nolan while I get stuff done. She just called me and said she was bored and hungry (there's never any food at my mom's house because she doesn't like to eat) and asked me if I could pick her up and bring her over here.
Great!! It sounds like a deal that will benefit both of you, as you'll get some help and she can get out of the house. [Smile] So glad to hear about this! [Smile]

quote:
I cannot thank you ladies enough for your input. I seriously think that if I didn't have a place to vent and bounce ideas I would have given in to my depression more than I already have.
You're welcome and I hope it continues to help. Something else to mention is that you don't have to do things 100% necessarily... uh, what I mean is that you could just meet some people or spend the day together or so, and see how that goes.
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Alice
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Alright, for now I'm going to just organize my apartment and my life in way that will let me get out of here quickly if I need to. I need to get mine and Nolan's birth cert., SS cards, etc and after I get paid for babysitting I'll try to save at least half of it...

Today I'm going to see a friend (who is my age) who has twin baby girls. I am super excited to be in contact with someone who is in a boat similar to mine, although her boyfriend pretty much left her already and she lives with her parents. It also works out for us because we can trade stuff, for example she has bigger boyish clothes someone gave her that she's giving to me, I have small newborn clothes that are multi-gender okay and I have half a pack of diapers that Nolan never used because he grew out of them. So I'm pretty excited to have a companion, obviously. We were friends in 9th grade but we lost touch since I transferred to an alternative art school so I could focus on dance.

Did I mention that Nolan is already standing up?! He'll be 7 months old tomorrow (which is also my boyfriends and my 2 year anniversery) and last Thursday he stood up on his own for the first time in his crib. He's been doing it many times a day since and is even making moves like that first step while holding onto something.

Oh and, when I told his doctor (because we had an appt. that day) that he had stood up, she didn't seem to believe me. She also didn't believe me when I told her how much he eats, because he's a little underweight. That really pissed me off. I may be 19 but I am not stupid and why would anyone lie about something like how much their child eats? Seriously, I've already switched Nolan's doctor once because he wasn't listening to me, I like this one better but she still doesn't seem to believe me.

Actual quote from the nurse: "I have to give him shots on those scrawny legs?! Don't you feed him, why is he so skinny? Anyway, she said that if he hasn't gained enough weight by his 9 mo. weight check, then they'll run tests. I asked if they should just do that now, since he eats like a horse but isn't gaining much weight to which she responded that his having bronchitis is probably why he lost weight....

Um, so then why was I accused of starving my child by both doctor and nurse only moments before? Also, I don't think he's that skinny. I've asked lots of opinions and have been told that although he's on the small side, he looks perfectly healthy, which has been my gut feeling all along. He's happy, active, expressive, and curious and I really wish that people would stop hoping for things to be going so wrong with him, because you know I'm only 19 so there's just no way that I could be doing a (gasp) good job taking care of him!

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Ecofem
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Urgh, their judgemental comments sound so frustrating, I'm sorry to hear about that, Alice. Your posts help me see what it's like to be a young mother and all the (unjust) extra crap people have to go through. But you obviously know they're being dumb******!

Good idea to put some of the babysitting money aside once you get it. Yeah, social security cards... those little things you don't miss until you really, really need it and can't seem to find it! But you're on top of that already. I hope your meeting with your friend goes well and sharing stuff is a great idea. I have four siblings so our baby/toddler clothing went a long way. (And we all looked forward to our year wearing the coveted "8 is great!" sweater.)

And great to hear about Nolan standing up! Maybe he's seen you dancing and wants to join in on the fun? [Smile] Happy early, uh, 7 month "birthday" to him (and to you, too!) I wanted to ask: How did you choose the name Nolan for him?

[ 03-08-2007, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Alice
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Nolan was so cute today with the little girls! They're only two months old, so he seemed HUGE to me all of a sudden, I hadn't really realized how much he's grown. And it was nice to actually talk to a friend, especially one with babies.

I almost broke up with my boyfriend about twenty minutes ago. We got into an argument about something stupid that escalated, and I wanted to say, that's it I'm done I'm leaving, but this little voice in my head was like, where are you going? So I listened to that little voice because there's nowhere to go unless Nolan and I want to live in my car. (oh and, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would try to take my car, but both of our names are on the title, plus his license is suspended, so that means he doesn't have any rights to it, right?)

Lena: I got Nolan's name from my favorite book, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It's the main family's last name. And his middle name is Michael, which is my boyfriend's name.

[ 03-08-2007, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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Ecofem
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I think it's amazing how enraptured little kids are by babies or smaller kids. [Smile] Cool name story! I don't mean to sound like a broken record here, but you DO have places to go. Just please get in touch with Heather per the names and contact info.

Regardless, your boyfriend has NO right to take the car away from you. Not letting you leave the house/taking away your car would constitute as breaking the law; I had a friend whom this happened to and her boyfriend's *** got convicted in court. OK, for a less dramatic [Smile] question: Did you talk to your friend about back when she was with her boyfriend and had the twins versus now? How is she doing living with her parents? How do her parents treat her?

[ 03-08-2007, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Alice
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I read something somewhere about about babies (and kids) are naturally attracted to people who have heads close in size to theirs, which could be why the babies just stared at each other today.
My friend hasn't been with her boyfriend since she was pregnant. He wasn't supportive at all, didn't even seem to be looking for a job. He lives out of state, and she moved away with him for awhile but I guess he didn't help her find a doctor or anything, she finally moved back here and finally went to the doctor and at 5 months pregnant found out she was having twins!
Her family helps her a lot. I met both of her parents today and they both seem super nice, especially her mom. She came in and talked with us for a little bit, and played with Nolan. I really like her. Her parents seem to treat her really well but I know that they HATE her exboyfriend. And I don't really blame them at all, but it probably would have been helpful as far as emotional stress goes if her mom hadn't left the room every time her boyfriend walked in.

The reason I mentioned the car thing is because the other day we were arguing and he grabbed my keys and told me to walk (and btw, we were on the most dangerous street of my city). I told him that it's just as much mine as it is his, my names' on the title. But he seems to think that because his name is listed FIRST that means it's his. But he doesn't even have a valid license. And I hate driving, I hate having a car. I have been a pretty nervous, unhappy driver since I got in a very bad accident when I was 17. If it wasn't for carting around Nolan and all his crap then I wouldn't have a car...

But I guess worrying about that is getting ahead of myself. But just the stress of our petty arguments alone is weighing me down...

I think a lot of my bitterness toward my boyfriend has to do with his getting arrested the night before Nolan and I got out of the hospital. He doesn't/won't understand how emotionally draining it is to give birth to a child, and that combined with my tough pregnancy and delivery, I really needed things to be less stressful at that time. He was in jail for that whole weekend. And I blame him, but I also blame his "best" friend, who was the one who did the thing in the first place. And so my boyfriend thinks I'm "isolating him" from his friends because I prefer he doesn't hang out with that one friend, or at least not bring him around me and my son. But I really just can't get over it. And today he said that he apologized, which he did, a million times. But it isn't enough for me. He asked if I wanted his friend to apologize too, and I said YES! But now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, I don't think that's going to make a difference...

Because forcing someone to apologize isn't the same as his doing it on his own. If he had come to me and said he was sorry months ago, on his own, then yeah, that would have helped. But I don't know what to do to get past this. It was the best and the worst few days of my life, and I resent him so much for it. I needed to feel normal and secure and instead I had to rely on my parents, (which isn't a good thing) and come home to an apartment reeking of alcohol, ciggarettes, weed and dirty dishes. I was in so much pain (I tore pretty bad) I could barely walk and I hadn't slept in a week, but I took care of a newborn alone. I shouldn't have had to do that, he should have been there. But he was in jail and honestly I don't think I can ever forgive him for that.

Because he should have been at home getting ready for us, he shouldn't have been drinking and breaking into cars. I have grown up since I pregnant, I'm being an adult and a parent. There's lots of stuff I used to do that I don't do anymore. He's acting a lot like he did before Nolan. He's trying to say that he's SO much better because he doesn't get high every day, only once every week or two. But right now he's out hanging with his brother and friends, probably won't be home until 1am. And I'm here, alone with Nolan. As usual.

I told him today that I can take care of Nolan by myself if I need to. He thinks I'm blowing it way up and that I need to just "calm down."

Well, maybe if I was smoking what he's smoking then I would be a little more relaxed. But I have a child to raise and I'll be damned if my son grows up in the same drug/alcohol/abusive environment that I did.

(sorry, that got a lot longer than intended)

[ 03-08-2007, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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Ecofem
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Hey, please do let it out, Alice. I'm pretty furious at your boyfriend after reading that, to say the least... I can't imagine how hard it was for you when he got arrested especially right after you gave birth, which got to be so challenging in and of itself. You don't have to forgive him for that, and it's clear he isn't showing positive behavior to "make up" for it. I know you're having a lot of (understandably) tough moments now but you're SO mature and have accomplished so much here. He is being completely irresponsible. The cigarette smoke around his son? Speaking money on drugs when you're struggling to make ends meet? Grrrrrr!

quote:
Well, maybe if I was smoking what he's smoking then I would be a little more relaxed. But I have a child to raise and I'll be damned if my son grows up in the same drug/alcohol/abusive environment that I did.
I knew your boyfriend wasn't being supportive, but his behavior is really unexcusable here. And I know you want the best for you son. OK, that's what I'll say for now.

edit: Oh, and keep in mind that he may threaten you with whatever, but as someone convicted of theft, etc., his word's surely not going to stand up half as much as yours in a legal setting.

[ 03-08-2007, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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God, Alice.

I don't know if I can say anything constructive. What a piece of **** for even threatening to make you walk. Seriously. My jaw dropped to the freaking floor. Mother of his child, get out and walk? A supposedly shared car? What is his deal?

You don't have to put up with this. Your son doesn't have to put up with this -- yes, he'll learn pretty soon that his father doesn't give a flying horse's butt.

Girl, there are options. They're outlined for you. I can't imagine what other things this guy has done to make life so hard.

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Alice
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Lena and Lauren, you're right. I don't have to put up with his crap. But I have been, mainly because we have a child together. I know that isn't a good reason, but so far it's been convenient.

Starting to rethink that one, though.

Today I kept saying, like a broken record while we were fighting, you don't respect me you don't respect me or my child. And that's my biggest issue right there. It's all about respect but he just won't listen or even try to understand. He thinks I overreact.

I'm not too concerned about legal matters, obviously. I know he loves Nolan and I know he's not dangerous to him, however he has a record, I don't. I can pass a drug test, he can't. It's pretty cut and dry, no matter how much he may threaten me. (does anyone remember this: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=007249#000000 )

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, in the end. I think tomorrow if we actually manage to go out to dinner or something for our anniversery I'm going to tell him how I feel, hopefully without pissing him off like I usually do. I'm going to give him a choice: start respecting our family or I'm gone. I'm going to be ready to leave in an instant, and I'm going to find out what resources I have.

My son is going to have a safe, happy life. I believe I'm a capable parent. If I have to do it alone I know it'll be harder but no one has to worry about me doubting myself there.

One thing I am concerned about, however is the abusive partner checklist. I read through it and I actually do see some things of myself in there. I was abused in a few different ways as a child (and as an adult, honestly) and I am so terrified of passing it on to my son. I never planned on having kids based purely on that right there.

Anyway. Thanks for listening to me vent, it helps a lot. Nolan has fallen asleep on our futon, and I think I'm going to go cuddle up with him. When my boyfriend gets home (drunk) in a few hours he's probably going to pound on the door because I don't think he has his key, so I'd like to get some sleep while I can. Anyone else think I just shouldn't let him in? (kidding!) [Razz]

[ 03-08-2007, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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-Lauren-
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About the abusive partner checklist: I'm not surprised. In fact, as Heather said, I'd take it as a serious warning sign if you WEREN'T pissed as hell most the time. Did you notice these behaviors before, or does it seem to just stem from countering the toxic environment? Is Nolan ever in danger due to them?

We all remember the custody post. This guy was stirring **** before the poor little guy was even here. If I'm not mistaken, he threatened to make you walk home THEN, too, at 6 months pregnant?

An ultimatum sounds like a good idea to me. Mean it, girl. He needs to cut this out RIGHT NOW. Though honest to God? It doesn't sound like he will, so don't bank on it.

If the wedding plans are still on, nix those, too. You DO NOT want to marry somebody who is already being abusive towards you; those types tend to view marriage as a woman signing their lives over.

What about your new-mama friend and her family? If they are as nice as they seem, maybe you can explain your situation to them and work out a way to stay with them? Maybe earn your keep through housework/watching the baby girls? If they hate HER ex-boyfriend just for leaving, I'm sure they'll sympathize with a guy staying around just to make your life hell.

Smoking pot, drinking, getting arrested, not helping you with the baby, being abusive. Girl, seriously, what are you waiting for?

I know it's hard. Everyone knows it's hard. But staying where you are, living through this day by day, having to explain to your son once he can understand why his father's a screw-off/abusive arsehole? That'll be a lot harder.

We'll help you any way we can, but it's on you. Our thoughts are with you.

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