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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Update on Nolan

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Author Topic: Update on Nolan
Scarleteen Volunteer
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My baby is about 5 1/2 months old now. The time is going by so fast, it's amazing. And he is wonderful. He is very happy. He's getting a tooth and I think he weighs about 14 pounds now.

It's been a hard adjustment, but I'm making it. I worked a seasonal retail job over the holidays, and I got so sleep deprived and stressed out that I had a seizure on Christmas Eve. I quit my job but now I have to find a new one. And I want to go back to school, but finding daycare will be the hard part.

My boyfriend hasnt' been adjusting very well. He was doing great while I was pregnant, but now he does things like go out late at night and not call, get high with his friends after I ask him not to, stuff like that. Our relationship has been pretty rocky. We don't even sleep in the same room half the time. We're supposed to get married in mid July but I'm just not sure.

Well! Life is hard, but I knew that it would be when I decided to keep the baby. But I think we're going to be alright.

One thing I need to work on is not giving in to the demands of the older people in my life. I may be 19 years old but I think I'm pretty smart and I've taken good care of him so far. Especially when my boyfriend's mom talks about how she was giving her first son pudding by the time he was Nolan's age. I know that cow's milk can cause internal bleeding in babies less than a year old, but when I say the facts like that she looks at me like I'm crazy. It's hard to stay strong in the face of older women who think they know what's best.

The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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It's hard to stay strong in the face of older women who think they know what's best.
I was just reproofing the part of the book on repro options where I address issues of parenting and one of the things I talked about was exactly this. New parents, period, often have a really tough time with older parents butting in, or being bossy, but for teen and very young parents, it's usually doubling challening because of the whole stigma of ageism and the idea that every young or teen parent must be inacapable of parenting.

Sorry you're having to deal with that. If it's any consolation, I know women my age who are parents who have dealt with the exact same thing. I think in some ways, much like our memories are selective and influenced by hindsight with anything, older parents and grandparents somehow forget that not only were they not parenting experts from minute one, but that having older people try and step in on your parenting really bites and is seriously disrespectful.

You might just want to practice a standard, calmly delivered line such as "I appreciate your care, input and experience, and I'll take it into consideration like everyone elses, but I also want to find my own way, too, just like you did when you were a new parent."

I'm sorry that some of this has been so hard on you, but glad to hear that you're being sensible about it: thinking twice about marriage when a partner isn't being a sound partner or parent is exceptionally wise, and it's something a lot of young mothers often have a hard time doing, especially with so many external pressures to marry the baby-daddy, no matter what, and even if it's going to make life harder, not easier or better.

Per the daycare: any way you can connect with other mothers around you and create a co-op? That's one option that sometimes works out well for young Moms when afforable, available daycare is tough to find.

(Good for you, Alice, by the way, on being able to still enjoy the joys, even with the hard challenges.)

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alice, I know you're doing a great job.

I just wanted to let you know: my best friend had her son when she was 18. He's three now, and is happy, healthy, and doing great. She was a better parent at 18 then some people can ever hope to be.

You'll be fine. [Smile]

Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
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Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Good to hear from you, Alice.

My sis, now 17, has a 7 month old and I can tell you, I have to watch the very same butting-in with her parenting. The social stigma surrounding young moms is pretty sad, especially when I see people like you and her who actually do alright if folks would just bother to take another look.

I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing, and gotta ditto what Heather said here about reconsidering marriage. There IS a lot of pressure for young moms to lock down forever with the baby's father, regardless of the quality of the relationship or his parenting skills.

Nolan sounds like a joy. You're handling this all very well, and I know you can continue. [Smile]

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My boyfriend's cousin had the same problem at first with older relatives butting in. When she had her daughter however, people decided that not taking the kids at the weekend and stuff might actually help. She's a good mother and she loves her children and i don't think anyone would consider butting in again. The only time anyone really had to take measures was last summer when she was diagnosed with post-natal depression and completely went off the wires for a while.

Your son sounds lovely and you're lucky to have such a good baby. I agree with miss lauren and heather about reconsidering marriage. Think carefully. Marrying your son's father is not necessarily the only way to go.

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Scarleteen Volunteer
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Thanks, guys. The craziest thing happened. My boyfriend's mom showed up at our door with a suitcase in her hand, pretty much excepting to live with us.... I freaked out and had to leave. Luckily, for once my boyfriend didn't act like such a pushover and flat out told her she can't stay here. So now she's moving back to Colorado tomorrow. She didn't even raise him, he's seen her about 3 or 4 times since he was four years old, so I thought that was pretty crazy.

Last night I stood up to my mom and told her to back off, using the more polite language that Heather provided. She looked surprised, but she didn't seem mad. She had my sister when she was 17 and they lived w/a parent, so maybe I just reminded her what it feels like.

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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