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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Terrified

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Author Topic: Terrified
John_Bonsan
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Idk if this should be here, or support groups. You can move it if you want. But I really need some help.

My girlfriend and I are expecting twins. Today at the checkup the doctor's diagnosed the girls with twin to twin transfusion syndrome. And I don't know what to do. My girlfriend won't talk to anyone, I tried getting her to call the hotline, or to go on the website, and she's not listening.

I'm just so worried that I'm going to lose one of them, or both of them. I don't know what to do.

Posts: 103 | From: New York | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Probably because she needs and wants some time to herself to just let this sink in and process it all.

I'd suggest you give her some. Remember that for the person who is actually pregnant, pregnancy is a mugh bigger deal, and a lot more internal: it's often not a relationship issue, but a her-and-her-pregnancy issue.

So, she has the hotline number. If, in a few days, she appears to be sinking into depression and still unable to deal, at all, then try talking again, or have her obstetrician call her.

But she just got this news today: give her some time to herself to accept it.

(And obviously, if YOU need extra support, YOU have that hotline number you can call, too.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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John_Bonsan
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I have trouble talking on the phone. I stutter, I can't get my words together. On here I can think things out more clearly. And the website, I'm going to wait and see if she wants that to be something just for her. I know there are soem parts of my life I'd rather not share. she does need it more than i do.

would it be okay for support here? or would it be better to go to a specialized forum?

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Heather
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A condition like this is so specialized that really, you're going to do best talking to someone who knows a lot about it: even her obstetrician is someone you could talk to or email (you can always ask for an email).

But for general support, it's no problem to post here, too. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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John_Bonsan
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I've got her email, and all those websites... I have all of that stuff. It's just, I'm so confused. I can't really formulate questions, you know what I mean? It's gotten to the point where I can't even pick little parts out of ideas. Any ideas how to sort all my thoughts out?
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wilddove
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Hi John

Sorry to hear things are so hard right now. Cant add much to heathers advice as it is spot on but just wanted to let you know you have support and good wishes here

Something you could do to help your thought is buy a notebook and keep a diary, pour your thoughts and heart and soul into it, it is a good realease of your emotions to get it out and onto paper, its private and you can say whatever you want in it. Like a stream of consciousness on paper whatever you feel just write

I have done this in past and its useful and then you can read over it or just put it away.

Take care

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John_Bonsan
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One of the girls didn't make it through the procedure. She wasn't getting enough blood, and she died. We're getting so much support from family, friends, doctors, counslers, but nothing's getting through to either me or my girlfriend. We've grown apart since this happened, I can tell it's only temporary, but we both do need our space now.

Thank God one of the girls made it. The doctors say things are looking good for her, she's got a few months left to fully develop, but it's looking good.

It's weird. We had two babies last week and now we have one.

Everything is so confusing. We had all of this stuff for twins, and people gave us presents--two of everything. It's upsetting looking in the nursery and seeing two cribs and knowing we'll have to get rid of one.

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Heather
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John, I'm so sorry.

One of the hardest things about pregnancy, period, is that it is SUCH a gamble, and it's very hard to parse the fact that exactly NOTHING is a given with it.

You might find that getting rid of the extra stuff NOW helps you both: how about giving it to a local goodwill or shelter?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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John_Bonsan
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I think I'm going to take care of the stuff tomorrow. Right now it's like I'm still adjusting. I KNOW she's not there anymore, I just haven't realized it yet.

I knew something bad was going to happen. When I first found out she was pregnant all that went through my mind was "Oh no, something's going to go wrong, this isn't going to work." Then when we found out it was twins, the thoughts just got worse, and now, it's gone. I partially think it's my doing, for thinking such things.

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Heather
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Oh babe, not hardly.

Remember that pregnancy is really, really precarious. Miscarriage is very common and 100% normal, even when people do everything right. This is an insanely complex process to happen in one person's body: negative thinking from a partner couldn't dream of touching that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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John_Bonsan
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I know it couldn't be the direct cause, but lately it seems when I think something, it happens. Now that's probably only because when I'm thinking about something I'm paying attention to it... But it's still kind of weird.

I feel like we should have some sort of burial for her. We didn't give her a name, it didn't seem right at the time. Looking back now I wish we did. I don't want it to seem like we're just brushing it all off, acting like she never existed. The names we picked out, Annabelle and Abigail, we've decided not to use either anymore. They were part of a set, and again, it doesn't seem right. Just that feeling that it's not the right thing to do.

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Heather
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quote:
... it seems when I think something, it happens. Now that's probably only because when I'm thinking about something I'm paying attention to it... But it's still kind of weird.
That's what's called "magical thinking,"and it's fallacy. However, if you need a really good emotional release, Joan Didion's story of the year her husband died and her daughter nearly did, entitled "The Year of Magical Thinking," which talks a lot about how one is inclined to visit that idea during tragedy, might be a good book for you right now.

Additionally, often you can have services for a miscarried child, so if that is something you both want to do, you can talk to your doctor about that, and a religious leader if that's the way you want to go.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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John_Bonsan
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Thanks for the suggestion, I'll bookmark the Amazon page, but I don't think I want to read a grieif book at this particular stage in my own mourning process. I'll get back to it soon though, it does look very interesting.

As for the burial, I think I am going to talk to the doctor, see what she says. She mentioned a lot of things after telling us what had happened, but once you hear "One of the girls didn't make it" you kind of block out everything else..

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wilddove
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I am so sorry for your loss john, and cant really offer much advise, just for you and your girlfriend to be there for each other

A memorial or burial would be beneficial if its what you both decide on, a way to say goodbye

Remember it is no ones fault at all and now you must be strong for you and your girlfriend and your daughter who we will all be praying to be born healthy.

Take Care

Liz

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John_Bonsan
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Thanks for the support, Liz.

Yesterday we took all the extra things to the church. I think I'm sort of adjusting to the fact I'll only have one daughter now. Giving the stuff away helped a bit.

My girlfriend doesn't want to do the memorial/burial. I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through, so I feel like I've no right to try and change her mind. At least not now anyway. Maybe she'll want to do something in a few weeks.

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John_Bonsan
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We had a service at the church a couple of weeks ago. After things settled down, we picked a name out for her, so we don't have to refer to her as "the twin that didn't live". We picked Abigail Marie, it was our favorite name. We had the memorial--everyone came. It was a really nice thing.

Our surviving girl---who we've chosen to name Amelia Rose--is doing great. I've accepted the fact that it wasn't meant to be. Maybe God put Abigail there to help Amelia get through the pregnancy easier, whatever it was, it was supposed to happen for a reason.

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mellygirl
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John, I'm so happy to hear that you were able to have a service. And, I'm really glad that it helped and you seem to be doing better. Amelia Rose is a BEAUTIFUL name, and I'm sure your daughter will be gorgeous to fit it. And I know that God put Abigail in Amelia's life (and you and your girlfriend's lives too) for a very special reason, though you may not ever see it. Sometimes we don't ever see reasoning, but I'm glad you know it's there. And, again, I'm glad to see that you are continuing so well.

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*Melanny*

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