Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » feel like i don't have a choice

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: feel like i don't have a choice
belowzer0
Neophyte
Member # 15095

Icon 9 posted      Profile for belowzer0     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
im 18 years old and in my first semester of college, and i found out i was pregnant last week. i tested the day my period was supposed to start because i was scared i was pregnant from the night i had sex. i had just gone off of birth control the month before because i couldnt afford it anymore because i have to pay my own bills now. me and my boyfriend of two years had just broken up, and i was depressed and drunk hanging out with a guy from work and it happened, i know i should have made him use a condom but i was pretty wasted and wasnt capable of thinking very well, but i thought at the very least he would pull out, but he didn't. my first reaction when i found out was i wanted to get rid of it. i was pretty hysterical and all i wanted it to do was go away. after i had time to think about it and talk to some friends who had both had abortions and had babys, i decided that i wanted to keep the baby. when i told the father that he basically said that he didnt want a baby and that if i had it he wouldnt do anything for me, but offered to completely pay for the abortion. i really wanted this baby but there would be no way i could do it own my own, my parents wouldnt help me, im young and id have to drop out of school...there is just a million reasons why i shouldnt have it and the only reason i should is because i want it. anyway...i decided to just get the abortion because i couldnt do it on my own. the night he pretty much told me to go f*** myself, i had a mini nervous breakdown, quit my job, left town and spent the whole weekend binge drinking and doing drugs, in some sick way so that i wouldnt be able to change my mind. my girlfriend drove me the three hours to the abortion clinic yesterday only to have them tell me that i was not far enough along to have it done and to come back in ten days... anyway i have had a pretty messed up life, and have probably been clinically depressed since i was about eight years old...but this is really messing me up. ive done nothing but cry for the past four days, i havent gone to class, i dont want to see anyone, all ive done is hide in my apartment and drink and smoke. ive even fallen back into some pretty bad self destructive habits. from what i understand about PASS i know that im only going to get worse after the abortion. i dont know what im looking for here, i suppose only a little understanding, and for someone to tell me that im not a horrible person. i just dont feel like i have a choice.

--------------------
Eyes.are.feeling.heavy.but.they.never.seem.to.close.The.fan.blades.on.the.ceiling.spin.but.the.air.is.never.cold. -yellowcard

Posts: 19 | From: xnorthxcarolinax | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sweetie, you aren't a horrible person. Let's get that thought out of your mind right now, okay?

It sounds like you're in an awful situation right now, everything given. I'm very sorry to hear that this has added to your worries.

Only you can ultimately decide what you want to do. Each option has its drawbacks; you're right in the possibility of the abortion making your already stressful life worse. Pregnancy and parenting at this stage of your life, when you need to be focusing on yourself and your needs and goals, could prove challenging as well. Finances come into play, too.

Take care of yourself as you work this through. Give yourself some time to be stressed, and pull up whatever coping mechanisms you might have.
(If there is any possibility that you might keep the child, you MUST stop smoking and drinking and adopt a healthy diet, pronto.)

What the father did was crappy, but unfortunately is pretty common. It CAN make you feel like you don't have a choice, especially when you found yourself unable to afford even birth control pills. His denying you any sort of financial help can make you feel trapped, and I totally understand and sympathize with that.

How can we help you, both apart from, and including, this pregnancy? It sounds like there are a slew of other issues besides this that are weighing on you pretty heavily.

[ 09-20-2006, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bunni13
Activist
Member # 16296

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bunni13     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am so sorry. Your story has touched me. I even felt myself tear up.

You are not a horrible person. You are a lovely young lady with a huge problem weighting on her shoulders.

It is your choice on what to do. You know this, and you are right. Either way you go, something will still be pushing on you. I suggest firstly to quit drinking, smoking, and if you are continueing doing drugs, stop these also. This does nothing but add to your stress and depression.

The father of this baby is so irresponsible, that not even the worst man alive could be compared to him. That is NOT your fault either. He is a sick man. Honey, I suggest either talking to a counselor (which in your area, I'm not sure if they are free or not) or have a CLOSE friend come to you and take care of you for a few days. Just until you are stable enough to really do this.

Whatever you decide to do, you are not horrible. Also, this site will be here to help you and you've got friends and I'm sure your family to help you.

Good Luck, sweetheart. Don't cry anymore, It'll be alright.

--------------------
Fact: Many teens in the US have pregnancy as their main worry- which is only one risk to worry about when you're sexually active. If you are sexually active, it's healthy to have STI tests. Please, get tested.

Posts: 65 | From: Missouri, US | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Faith54
Activist
Member # 27855

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Faith54     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're not a horrible person, you're just in a horrible situation. I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, but someone has to say it: Even if you're on the fence about what to do, you need to stop drinking and doing drugs. Not only does that hurt you, but it hurts your baby, and if you decide to keep it it could have problems.

Having said that, I'm so sorry about the position you're in. Try to clear your head and write a list of the consequences of both situations. I will add my two cents: Given your emotional and financial state, becoming a mother right now probably isn't the best idea. It's completely, 100% your decision, but it's something to consider.

--------------------
"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

Posts: 107 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
belowzer0
Neophyte
Member # 15095

Icon 1 posted      Profile for belowzer0     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm going friday to get the abortion...I'm making the father take me and i plan to make him miserable the whole time...
More than a few good friends suggested that it would probably be best that i not have the child, given all of the circumstances...i know theyre right, but it doesnt stop it from being painful...
i'll be ok. i'm always ok ya know? a real trooper.
thank you for your kind words and thoughts though. i really appreciate it.

--------------------
Eyes.are.feeling.heavy.but.they.never.seem.to.close.The.fan.blades.on.the.ceiling.spin.but.the.air.is.never.cold. -yellowcard

Posts: 19 | From: xnorthxcarolinax | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd suggest that you go with someone who can provide you support, and who you feel close to/good about, rather than someone who will make a situation where you already feel conflicted rife with more conflict.

(Especially considering, too, you won't be the only women in the waiting room, and you and some guy making one another feel like crap is only going to make it a toxic place for EVERYONE. No one needs that when they're about to have an abortion.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
belowzer0
Neophyte
Member # 15095

Icon 1 posted      Profile for belowzer0     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
so...how about that after talking to a good friend's mother (who is the most awesome women ive ever met) and thoroughly discussing my options...i decided to keep the baby!
i already feel ten million times better (considering three days ago i was considering suicide over getting the abortion). another good thing is that with the timing, i won't have to drop out of college, i'm not due until late May and school lets out in April...
i do need further advice on financial assistance such as Medicaid and WIC and whether or not the Elizabeth Cady Stanton Pregnant and Parenting
Student Services Act is or will be implimented any time soon?
also, the father did not take the news of me not aborting the baby well...in fact he took it very unwell...even accused me of lying about it being his (pathetic) and continuing to say that he wouldn't help financially.
can't the department of social services force a suspected father to take a paternity test and pay child support?
and regardless what ways should i go about to try and encourage him to be a part of the babies life? i want my child to have a father, not just some guy who signs a check every month...
oh, i most definantly quit drinking and i'm TRYING to quit smoking...this is considerably more difficult.
and lastly, any advice on how to break the happy news to my parents?

--------------------
Eyes.are.feeling.heavy.but.they.never.seem.to.close.The.fan.blades.on.the.ceiling.spin.but.the.air.is.never.cold. -yellowcard

Posts: 19 | From: xnorthxcarolinax | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you thought this through, belowzer0?

WIC and Medicare surely are equipped to deal with such situations, but they certainly aren't liveable. You can expect a max of $30 a month from WIC, and Medicare is only there for illness. You must have some sort of other financial means of supporting yourself and the baby to live anything close to a comfortable life.

And sadly, you can't rely on the father. He's out of the picture, and likely won't ever be there. An agency could attempt to track him down, but even those who consent to sign the birth certificate manage to fall under the radar. Your child near definately will NOT have his support, of any kind. This pregnancy and parenting comes down to you; only you and your child are the ones guaranteed to stick around.

What about the issues you're having, hun? You mentioned being depressed and participating in destructive behavior even before all this. Single parenting is one of the most stressful walks of life there are. Have you considered this? What about your education?

Whatever decision you make will have consequences. Let's make sure that you go into either one fully informed of what it entails, okay?

[ 09-29-2006, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Just to clarify some things too: yes, legally the biological father IS required to pay support.

The sticky part is that on a practical level, enforcing that isn't always easy (or free), and it's pretty typical for mothers with fathers who didn't want to be so to have to go months, sometimes years, at a time, without support. So, that'll be something you'll want to consider in making your choice, here (as in, without that support for long stretches, will you be able to manage?), as will the fact that it seems pretty clear this guy is NOT likely to actively parent a child with you, as he's made clear. So, I'd consider you going it alone here when it comes to parenting, sparing help your friends and family may be able to give.

Same goes for waiting on legal bills and policies to come through. The wheels of government are SLOW turning. That bill was introduced a year ago, and is still, to my knowledge, in the first stages of the legislative process. Don't consider it in your decision, basically.

Sounds to me like if you want to consider bringing the pregnancy to term and parenting, it might be a good idea to talk to your family, especially if you know they'll support you no matter what you choose. I can't tell you how to bring this up with them because I don't know a thing about your relationship with them, your relationship with this guy, how those two things have gone combined, etc.

But if you think that they may be able to help you financially with this, then the sooner you can talk to them, the better, so that you still have the time you need to make whatever choice turns out to be best for you and for a potential child.

Remember, too, that if parenting is not a sound option for you and a kid, and abortion just isn't something you can live with, that adoption is also an option.

[ 09-30-2006, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
One last thing?

If you were hitting alcohol and any drugs heavy around the time you became pregnant, please talk to a clinic or OB/GYN as soon as you can if you are considering bringing the pregnancy to term, because fetal damage can be an issue.

You'll want to be aware of any potential issues and challenges as soon as possible, both in making up your mind as to what to do here, and if you decide to remain pregnant, in terms of finding out what you might need to prepare yourself for.

[ 09-30-2006, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3