Ok, I knew that I was at pretty high risk. Depression in the past, rough pregnancy, rough labor, money problems, life problems, etc...
I also had a terrible first few days home from the hospital, like I explained in my other post... my boyfriend got arrested the night before Nolan and I got released from the hospital. So I did the first few days and nights all alone, while in terrible pain and totally freaking out about what Michael did.
Nolan is now 2 weeks and 1 day old. I was told that the "baby blues" get better after 2 weeks. So I woke up this morning thinking that things were going to magically feel better, I would feel human again, less irritated, and less terrified of dropping my baby on his head. We had a rough night last night, he cried for hours for no reason that I could figure out, so I am exhausted today and honestly, I feel worse.
I love my baby so much. I wouldn't trade him for the world but at the same time I have this nagging feeling that I just can't handle this. I'm too tired, too stupid, too young, or something. I'm scared that he's going to be sick and I won't be able to take care of him, or he is going to grow up and hate me... the list goes on forever.
And I am so scared of what's happening to my relationship. Things were great for the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and for the week we spent in the hospital. But he did the stupidest thing and was in jail for 3 days. I'm still so angry about that, but I can't express it to him. I calmly told him the other night that it's going to take awhile for me to get over it, but I know he doesnt' understand how much it really affected me. He doesnt' seem to think that he did anything wrong. And we still have to deal with his trial and whatever... It's like I am so angry that I'm not angry at all, it's just too serious for yelling at him to make me feel better. I feel pretty bitter about the whole thing, and it's eating away inside of me.
All day long I feel like my life is about the fall apart. And I will physically explode or die or fall asleep forever. My baby is wonderful and I could just stare at him all day... in fact, that's what I do. I stare at him and I cry and I worry. I'm trying to get some energy to take him for a walk today...
Sorry this is probably all broken up and doesn't make sense. I am really, really tired. I'm not sleeping, I can barely eat - Michael sits in front of me and pretty much feeds me bite after bite, because I just can't. I know I need to eat because I am breastfeeding, but it hurts my stomach. My baby won't even latch on, I am pumping and giving it to him in a bottle.
Someone please tell me it gets better.
Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006
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I've seen firsthand how tough it can be for a young woman to raise a child, especially in the first few weeks. You've been through a lot, and are dealing with a good amount of additional stressors aside from your pregnancy, birth, and parenting.
Your boyfriend did end up signing the agreement you wrote out, right? Has he been avoiding that group of people and helping you out around the house? A tough labor in addition to breastfeeding can take out a lot of time you'd need to keep up with things, so his help really is crucial here.
Your fears about parenting are entirely normal, and trust me, entirely healthy. To go into parenting with absolutely no fears or worries whatsoever is far more indicative of unpreparedness. I'm confident you will do just fine; all the stress you're dealing with, in addition to the natural frailty of a newborn probably just have you daunted for now. It won't be an easy ride, but it likely won't be doom and gloom, either.
Are there any other support people in your life, like relatives, friends, or parents? Is there a possibility of finding some counseling in your area? Your OB would be likely able to provide some support or refer you to therapy. You can take the opportunity to discuss how badly you're feeling physically, too.
It'll get better, Alice. Your baby will fall into a more predictable routine as he grows, and your body will adjust to meet his needs. But that doesn't mind your mind and soul won't need a little extra help along the way. I wish you all the best.
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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