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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Not feeling connected anymore, sad

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Author Topic: Not feeling connected anymore, sad
Alice
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Member # 28346

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I am 37 weeks pregnant and I have been on bedrest for high blood pressure and possible pre-e for about 3 weeks.

I have loved this baby from day one. Becoming pregnant was not planned, but I do not regret it and I can't wait to meet him, especially now that it's looking like any day, since I am 3 - 4 cm dilated, having "false" labor nearly every day. Plus, with high blood pressure I will probably have to be induced sometime next week if I don't go into labor on my own before that.

Anyway, I used to feel so connected to him. Especially when I felt him move around and kick. Or when he had the hiccups. And especially during ultrasounds and when I could hear his heartbeat at the dr's.

Since I've been on bedrest, I feel not so connected anymore. I still love him, but it feels strange, like he isn't a part of me anymore. I'm scared that it's a bad sign to my parenting ability already. I have to have 30 min. heartbeat tests(non-stress tests) twice a week and an ultrasound once a week until he is born.... and none of these things are exciting for me anymore. Yesterday I listened to his heartbeat and stared at the moniter for 30 min and felt NOTHING. If anything, I felt a little resentful that all of this is happening.

I am sick and tired of being pregnant. I'm hot, huge, and bored of laying in bed. In fact, I'm not even laying in bed. It's been really hard to follow bedrest order, especially knowing that with pre-e it's not going to help anyway.

I gained about 50 lbs (some of it water retention from swelling, I hope) so I'm up to 175 from 125lb. Everyone I know is telling me that I am as big as a house and that I look ready to pop. I had an eating disorder for 3 years, so I don't really understand what possesses people who know me so well so say things like this.

Anyway, sorry I went off the subject. Maybe part of it is that I am so uncomfortable. But I love him so much yet it's like he's not even mine anymore. He's been a part of me for about 9 months and now I feel like I'm just fat, there's nothing there, I can't even imagine him being here in my house. It's like when I think of him being born I just think of being skinny again and being able to walk up a flight of stairs.

Is this the beginning of a horrible life for my baby? What if I can't snap out of it?? I want to give him a life filled with love and support but how can I do that if I don't even feel like he is mine?

--------------------
The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
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Hey Alice,

I have never been where you are, but just wanted to tell you that no I dont think this is the beginning of a horrible ife for your baby. Quite the opposite actually. It sounds ike what you are feeling is like when people are getting married and they know they want to get married they love each other so much, and as it gets so close to the wedding the start to have all those feelings you are having. And being stuck in bed wont help either.

Try not to worry about it now, you will see his face when he is born, and all those feelings will come back to you. Im sorry I couldnt be of more help as I havnt been where you are. But from reading what you wrote, I hope you dont worry too much anymore because you will be ok.

I hope it all goes well for you and your little boy.

nixie

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000
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(from what I understand, never having been pregnant) plenty of people don't even feel very connected to their baby until it's born. It doesn't make you a bad mother or anything. There's actually this newsclip of Angelina Jolie being interviewed by a reporter when she was pregnant -the reporter asks her if she doesn't just feel some spiritual connection to her fetus, because the interviewer always did. Angelina Jolie, who had been talking the whole time about her love for her adopted children, just sort of shrugs and says "no, not really, I'm a busy person so I don't really spend too much time thinking about those things" or something. (don't know if you love or hate Angelina Jolie, but I thought the anecdote pertained well to your situation)
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Alice, I've heard a good many pregnant women express what you're expressing here.

Sometimes, it seems to be about getting to that point where things are changing, per physically separating from your child per giving birth and them not living inside your body anyomre. Sometimes, it seems to be about just feeling DONE with the pregnancy part and ready for that to be O-V-E-R already. In any event, what you're feeling isn't anything abnormal.

Just a heads-up per the body issues, by the by, in case no one's told you, given you've had ED issues previously. It'll take a while after birth for you not to still look pregnant anymore, and a while after that to get back to your normal body size/shape. And some aspects of your body may be permanently changed. Likely, someone has told you that, but in case they hadn't, just wanted to drop that past you so that you have realistic expectations and aren't thrown a loop in that regard.

Hang in there, Alice. You're home stretch.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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plenty of people don't even feel very connected to their baby until it's born.

For that matter, many people don't feel an instant connection immediately after the birth either.

And I think all parents have moments when they feel dis-connected from their child, frustrated, alienated or generally "oh my god how has this alien landed in my life?" - often quite a lot of those moments by the time the child reaches their teens ...

It's part of the parenthood deal, and pretty much part of human relationships generally.

Remember, what counts is how you relate to your child and care for him - not whether you're able to feel perfect love every second or every hour of every day.

And you're likely to be able to cope better - which will make things better for both of you - if you don't expect yourself to be a perfect inhuman saint who never feels anything except love.

Psychologists have said for decades that you don't need to be perfect; what a child needs is a "good enough" parent. That thought might be worth hanging onto.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Alice
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Hey guys,

Just wanted to let you know that I went into labor the night I posted this. Nolan Michael was born the next day, 8-9-06, he weighed 5lbs 15 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. He is beautiful and I love him very, very much.

But it has been VERY hard. My labor was rough, the epidural didn't work and I was way drugged out because of my preeclampsia. I tore pretty badly and have been in some pain.

We had to stay in the hospital for a little extra time, since I was pretty sick and Nolan has jaundice and a very feeding problems. We're breastfeeding but he can't stay awake to eat or he screams his little head off and won't latch on, so I pump a lot and spend a long time feeding him with the bottle.

Some terrible happened the night before we left the hospital... my boyfriend went home to get everything ready for us, he invited 2 "friends" over to help him, they ended up getting drunk, walking somewhere for food and breaking into cars on the way. I guess his friend handed him stuff and when the police pulled up he was the one holding the stuff...

So he was in jail from Friday night to Monday night. The inital charges were for 2nd degree theft and possession of stolen property, which is a FELONY, but they got dropped to midemeanor (sp) so he's out...

But let me tell you, those first few days home were AWFUL. I was in tons of pain and horribly depressed. I was so psyched to leave the hospital, so imagine my surprise when my mom shows up to tell me that he's in JAIL.

But we're doing okay, aside from exhaustion and worry. Hopefully he won't go back to jail, hoping for probation, community service, etc. Between medical bills (I was in the hospital for over a week) lawyer bills, fines, etc we are going to be in a lot of debt for a long time.

And let me tell you, Nolan and I are only still living here with him on certain terms, which I wrote out and made my boyfriend sign. No drinking, hanging out with those friends, staying out late w/out me, he has to help me around the house and with the baby until I'm able to move around more (still on partial bedrest), and other things like that. Basically one more strike and he's out, if he breaks our agreement then Nolan and I are out of here.

Well, baby is crying so I must go... thank you for the advice, it made me feel much more human. I was so scared that I was doomed to be a disconnected mother. Now that he's here and I can barely even remember how it felt to not "feel" him.

Thanks,
Alice

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through, Alice. It must be pretty hard to have taken a blow like that when you had such a rough time in the hospital.

I'm happy to see, though, that you're so serious about keeping a stable home for you and your son. Good move with the checklist; stick by it. You don't need any more crap like that at this point.

I'm sure your child is lovely. I really like the name! I'm glad that you've rediscovered (and deepened?) the bond with him.

I hope you feel better soon, both physically and mentally. If you ever have a moment to update, I'm all eyes.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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