Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » how did it go about?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: how did it go about?
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi. I've been wondering about a few things for a long time. At my school, pregnant teens are allowed to continue their education at school (Do most schools allow that?) and I never realized how many pregnant teens there are until I got to high school. I've always wanted to ask one of them how it happened. I know HOW you get pregnant, but I always wonder if it was an accident, if they were raped, if they were high, drunk, or just fooling around. I wonder if the condom broke and they KNEW it, but decided not to do anything about it, or if they had NO idea they might get pregnant and it was all a total surprise. And what happened when they found out. I know almost ALL mothers love their child, but were they happy when they found out they were pregnant, or devastated and thought their life was over? Obviously I can't just go up to a girl and ask some of these questions so I was just wondering if there are any pregnant teens or teen parents out there who would like to share with me. I know its personal, so its alright if no one wants to tell me, but I've always wondered. Thanks.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dreamBaBy
Activist
Member # 12710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for dreamBaBy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This thread might get more replies in the Pregrancy And Parenting Forum

Maybe a moderator will move it over there for you.

[This message has been edited by dreamBaBy (edited 02-17-2004).]


Posts: 93 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
Activist
Member # 3072

Icon 2 posted      Profile for BruinDan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by dreamBaBy:
Maybe a moderator will move it over there for you.

Maybe indeed. A fine idea dreambaby, thank you!

See ya in Pregnancy and Parenting!

------------------
BruinDan, "Not Quite Morrissey," PHOM

¡Siendo padrote no es cil!


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aria51
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 653

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Aria51     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Hopeless:
At my school, pregnant teens are allowed to continue their education at school (Do most schools allow that?)

AFAIK, unless a school district has a special school set up especially for pregnant and parenting teens, a school cannot legally force a pregnant girl to stop attending classes.

quote:
I've always wanted to ask one of them how it happened.

Ask twenty of them, and you are going to get twenty different answers. No teen pregnancies are alike. One of us cannot speak for all of us, and the best we can do is give our individual experiences. Even these will not be the same as the girls in your school.

I got pregnant my first semester of my freshman year of college. We'd taken precautions, but I still got pregnant. I considered aborting, but didn't. I considered adoption, but didn't. Keeping my child just felt right, so that's what I did.

I went into it knowing I'd be doing it by myself with no father in the picture. I knew I'd have to be everything both parents should be to this child, and I knew it was going to take a lot on my part to make it work. I never really felt devastated, or that my life was over.

Honestly, and this applies to all aspects of life, you can only feel as bad as you allow yourself to feel. You can react to something like an unexpected pregnancy in two ways. How you react defines the rest of your life.

The first is to view it as a catastrophe, a disaster that has brought your life to a screeching halt. All you can see is the hardship ahead of you, the heartache, the uncertainty. You see yourself as a statistic, and you resent yourself, you resent the situation, you can even come to resent your child. You get so caught up in the self-loathing and self-pity that you don't grow as a person beyond that moment bitterness and defeat.

The second is to see it as merely a detour in the road you've been travelling. Let's say you choose to parent, since that's my experience. All of the sudden there's this new opportunity presenting itself. You have the chance to be everything you always wanted to be. You can be an absolute superhero! You are literally holding the future in your arms when you hold your child. You have the chance to make this person's childhood absolutely magical, you have the opportunity to love a person so much, that even something so seemingly insignificant as the particular curve of their nose is maddeningly beautiful to you. You see it as an adventure, something that will only make you stronger after having survived it.

I can't tell you how many times my son has fallen asleep in my arms, and I find myself laughing and crying and feeling like I'm going to absolutely burst because I adore every part of him so deeply that it just aches. I'll sit there marvelling over how something I didn't expect, something that I didn't plan for, grew into a unique individual. Almost unable to comprehend how an "accident" could be so perfect.

That's not to say that there haven't been tears of desparation. Sometimes I allow myself to think forward, or even worse, think back, and I feel absolutely lost. But who doesn't feel that way sometimes, parent or not? No one can get anywhere worrying about could-have-beens and should-have-beens. All there is is what is, and nothing else should matter. It's hard. It's very, very hard. And it never, ever gets easier. I went from being ninteen and pregnant back then, to being twenty-three and dealing with with a "special-needs" three-(and-a-half!)-year-old. Then it was, how do you handle being so young with such a big responsibility? Now, it's how do you handle a child who isn't "normal"? Every stage of his life has had its own hardships, and every one of those has made me a better person and a better mom.

Do you ever talk to these girls? They are people too, you know. I lost almost all of my friends when I got pregnant, because they thought that since I was becoming a parent, I wouldn't be interested in what they had to say anymore. It's hard to be young and pregnant, because there's so much ignorance and negativity surrounding the subject.


Posts: 1287 | From: Missouri | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Aria51:
Ask twenty of them, and you are going to get twenty different answers. No teen pregnancies are alike. One of us cannot speak for all of us, and the best we can do is give our individual experiences. Even these will not be the same as the girls in your school.

I know they are all different and that is why I asked the question. I wanted to know all the different ways...well not all of them, but all that people would like to share. I have talked to the pregnant girls at my school. At least the ones that I knew previously or have met since. I just don't feel comfortable going right out and asking "hey so what happened? did the condom break? were you drunk?" I didn't want to seem rude.

Thanks to whoever moved this here...I didn't realize that people other than scarleteen staff could reply in this section.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

Icon 1 posted      Profile for DarkChild717     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have never been pregnant. But my best friend was. We talk a lot.

She knew the risks fully, and made the choice to have unprotected sex.

As we talk, with little Matty talking in the background, she confesses she wanted a child. And the father knew this.

Matty was born 2 months after my friend turned 18.

Mum and Dad married about a month before he was born. The got married, my bud got her driver's license and the moved into their own apartment with in one week.

She sailed through senior year. For her, it was literally, "Pregnant? Well, we'll give you a few extra days to complete this assignment then."

But she's okay. She graduated and worked hard. Didn't take much advantage of that kind of stuff. And she is so happy. It's what she wanted.


Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by DarkChild717:
She knew the risks fully, and made the choice to have unprotected sex.

As we talk, with little Matty talking in the background, she confesses she wanted a child. And the father knew this.


So she PURPOSELY had a kid her senior year? Wow. I've never heard of that but I'm glad for her if it's what she wanted. Did her boyfriend want to have a kid as well? I hope that everything continues to go well for them!!! Thanks for your thoughts!


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Actually, it's safe to say that at least half of most "accidental" pregnancies aren't accidental at all, so that sort of situation is pretty darn common.)
Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
(Actually, it's safe to say that at least half of most "accidental" pregnancies aren't accidental at all)

WOW!! Really? I had NO idea! So maybe some of the pregnant girls at my school DECIDED to PURPOSLY have a baby? I had NO idea that there were teens out there who wanted to have kids. Or are these "accidental" but really planned pregnancies more in college and adult cases?


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nope, all over the map.

Most teenagers are neither stupid nor THAT misinformed. Most are aware that when they do not choose to use birth control or a reliable method, that they are taking a pregnancy risk, and a great many take that risk because for any number of reaons, they want to become pregnant and/or have a child. In the same vein, plenty who do use birth control methods that fail make conscious decisions to carry their pregnancies to term and rear children.

In short, the great majority of people who choose not to use reliable methods of birth control are aware, very clearly or at least partially, that they are choosing to potentially become pregnant. If they disagreed with that possibility mightily -- barring instances in which availibility of healthcare or birth control is limited by income or location, or, obviously, nonconsensual sex, etc. -- they would not be making that choice.

Whatever a given person's motives (or understanding of how the reality of parenting plays out -- and that is SO not age-specific), and as precarious as the cultural situation may be at this point in time, realize that through MOST of history, globally, it has never been uncommon for people in their teens to bear children or choose to bear them.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XxWishIKnewXx
Neophyte
Member # 15693

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XxWishIKnewXx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Im in 9th grade and 9 weeks pregnant. My parents didnt want me in regular school while Im pregnant so Im on "Homebound". The teacher comes to my house! I certainly didnt want to get pregnant. But I guess my boyfriend and I secretly did because we'd talk about baby names and even talking about what we'd do if I did get pregnant. Then we started having unprotected sex, probably not the smartest choice consitering everything, but it happend and now were going to have a baby. My parents always tell me Ive ruined my life and everyone's around me, but Ive stopped listening to them put me down like that. Hope this answers your original post.
Posts: 29 | From: Augusta, Georgia, USA | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
frozendreams
Activist
Member # 7638

Icon 1 posted      Profile for frozendreams     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
when i got pregnant at 15 i ws using condoms, when i got pregnant at 17 i was on depo, when i got pregnant at 21 i had an iud. so none of my pregnancies were planned and i knew how to prevent it, it just didnt work.as for feelings, i had mixed emotions every time.

------------------
**********************
formerly unhappykoger
**********************


Posts: 118 | From: dayton ohio usa | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Frozen/Koger --

I don't mean to embarass you, but it's really important to us that people are truthful on the boards, specifically when it comes to talking about use of birth control in terms of effectiveness, so that users can have the best idea possible of what really works and what doesn't.

You've been around the boards for some time, and have posted more than once that you were using NO birth control at all when your first two pregnancies occurred (like here: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum10/HTML/000048.html).

I'm not going to ruminate on why or why not anyone (you or others) may or may not be truthful here, but it is not only one of our user guidelines, it's simply something very important to me to make sure the site and the boards offer everyone as much as possible in terms of sincerity and accuracy.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
plainmaryjane311
unregistered


Icon 13 posted            Edit/Delete Post 
My older sister, who is now 24 and married with a total of 3 children, got pregnant for the first time just shy of her 16th birthday. It was the summer before her junior year in high school. Having studied psychology as well as seen a great deal of pregnant teenagers in my time, it is fair to say that a good deal of those who become pregnant at a young age were either raped or have what I call "daddy issues", that is, they have a poor relationship with or no relationship at all with their fathers. My sis was one of them. Unfortunately, she concealed the pregnancy out of fear and shame and as a result, she has a permanently disabled child. She was receiving no prenatal care whatsoever. It is fair to say also that at least a recognizable percentage of the girls you see wandering the halls pregnant are keeping it a secret from their parents. For a moment I wondered why you would ask such questions, it was almost disturbing. However, when thinking about it, I realized many of the answers were disturbing themselves. The best reply I could give you is this: half of all high school seniors have had sex...that means hypothetically speaking, half of all high school seniors could get pregnant. The question you should be asking is "Why do so many teenagers feel the need to have sex?"

------------------
Heidi A. Durst


IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
Activist
Member # 961

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Milke     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by plainmaryjane311:
half of all high school seniors have had sex...that means hypothetically speaking, half of all high school seniors could get pregnant. The question you should be asking is "Why do so many teenagers feel the need to have sex?"

All sexually active person are not heterosexual, all sexually active heterosexual persons are not irresponsible about using birth control, therefore, your figures are a bit off. People have their own reasons for having sex at any age, and when they're legal to do so, that's their right. When they choose not to be responsible about doing so, that causes greater social problems, but issues like that belong in Sex Ethics, not this forum.

Additionally, being aware that becoming pregnant is so frequently a conscious choice, it's not fair to pin so many teen pregnancies on sexual abuse.

------------------
Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

And everybody's got to live their life
And God knows I've got to live mine


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
frozendreams
Activist
Member # 7638

Icon 1 posted      Profile for frozendreams     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i know mz scarlet i thought i was using no birth control with my first two, but i (when i moved a few months ago) ran across an old diary that i used to keep. and when i got pregnant with my first kid , it said i was using condoms and that it broke, and going by the dates i should have been getting my depo shot about a week before i got pregnant, i was late getting it. i had forgot that i had that diary so i wasnt for sure. i have been a mess the last few years and i forget alot of details, i wasnt trying to lie.

------------------
**********************
formerly unhappykoger
**********************


Posts: 118 | From: dayton ohio usa | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't think I put enough emphasis on the REAL question I was wondering about. I mostly just wanted to know that if it wasn't planned (which I'm surprised to find out a lot of teens plan pregnancy) then how? What kind of accident was it? Was it just carelessness or did you try your hardest, and use condoms and other birth control methods and they failed? Did you use them and KNOW you used them incorrectly? Thank you for your help and sorry again if this offends anyone.
Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aria51
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 653

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Aria51     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
One thing I'm curious about, Hopeless, is why this is so important to you. Everyone knows there are a thousand reasons why unplanned/unintentioned pregnancies can happen, so why ask perfect strangers on a message board? Is there some sort of point you're trying to make, or what?

Those who haven't already answered in depth probably haven't because they don't want to, and that's their business, and we need to respect that.


Posts: 1287 | From: Missouri | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Aria51:
One thing I'm curious about, Hopeless, is why this is so important to you. Everyone knows there are a thousand reasons why unplanned/unintentioned pregnancies can happen, so why ask perfect strangers on a message board? Is there some sort of point you're trying to make, or what?

Those who haven't already answered in depth probably haven't because they don't want to, and that's their business, and we need to respect that.


I'm just CURIOUS. Why is everyone accusing me here? I thought you were aloud to come here and "get it all off your chest, speak your mind, and get some support" so why does it matter anyway? It's alright though, I guess I don't need anymore information anyway. And again I asked on here so that I would keep it their buisness. I didn't want to ask a person IN person because that would be RUDE, and an invasion of privacy. I restated my question only to see if I could get the response I was originally looking for, however I appreciate the responses I DID get. I know there are thousands of reasons, but I was just wondering what was most common. There aren't really any statistics (at least as far as I can see) that say what is most common so I was just wondering. I wanted to know if condoms break without the users noticing a lot, or if it was more commmon that protection just wanted used. Again I am VERY sorry to offend anyone, if the site finds I am too rude it's quite alright to close this, like Aria said, I probably won't get anymore commments anyhow, But it was NOT my intention to be rude. The whole purpose of this post was not to be rude. I am VERY VERY sorry. Thank you all for your time.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh pardon me its "allowed" not "aloud" haha...sorry
Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aria51
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 653

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Aria51     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's not that you're being rude, Hopeless, and I'm glad some users have this chance to share their experience.

The main reason I wondered is sometimes people have ulterior motives when they ask young moms how it happened, and sometimes they use those answers to illustrate whatever point it is they have - that abstinence is best, that birthcontrol doesn't work, that young moms are uneducated, etcetera. This is why I'm a little gun-shy when people ask this question, and I'm sure other people feel the same way. Honest curiosity, as you've said it is, is one thing; gathering personal (and these are VERY personal) experiences to prove a possibly hurtful point is another.

I wasn't accusing you of being rude; as you are, I was just honestly curious as to why you were asking. No harm meant, no harm done.


Posts: 1287 | From: Missouri | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hopeless
Neophyte
Member # 13423

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hopeless     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Alright I'm glad I wasn't being "rude"...and I am not going to preach anything. I wouldn't ever do that. I forget that you all don't KNOW me, and know I wouldn't do a thing like that, and I'm sorry. I am not a virgin myself so I would be a hypocrite anyway to preach...I am more wondering for my own personal use and my own curiosity how it happened to these girls. That's all...thank you for telling me that though. I am in NO way going to preach abstinence to anyone. Thanks again. I would still like anyone's comments if you are willing to share!
Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3