OK... like 5 months ago my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time (we were both virgins, I'm 14 he's 15). We had sex many times afterwards. Once the condom broke, I figured it would be ok, right? Wrong, a month or so later I find out I'm pregnant, my period was late and I took 3 home preggy tests, they were all positive. Now the first thing I did was go tell my boyfriend. Now he is the sweetest, most loving guy I have ever met before, he had never pressured me or hurt me in any way, and I had never seen him violent before over anything (except when he wrestled for school, but I reckon that don't count). But when I told him he got so angry. He started screaming that it wasn't his and I was a whore and how I cheated on him and all this crap. I was crying and that seemed to make him madder. He slapped me once and I got up to leave, but he came after me and pushed me around, eventually knocking me down the stairs. His eldest brother came home almost right afterwards and took me to the hospital after I started bleeding, where I found out I had a miscarrage. My boyfriend became remorseful afterwards and brought me flowers and cried and kept telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was and that he was wrong. Now my question is, should I forgive him? I think I truely love him, I've never felt this way about anyone before and he's my best friend, despite what happened. But something in me is sayin that I should hate him... and it doesn't help that he didn't ask for forgiveness, he said I should hate him, but he just wanted me to know that he was so sorry. So in other words my head and my heart are sayin two different things.
I don't know what to do. This all happened a month ago. He still sends me flowers but hasn't made any move to contact me or speak to me otherwise. Resently a good friend of his came to me and said that whatever happened between us must have been bad, because he [my bf] feels horrible and still loves you anyway, girl. I haven't told anyone about what happened and no one else except his brother knows.
Anyway, I know that was long and boring but I really would like advice. Should I take him back?
whoo! "sorry" does not change the fact that he hit you. it does not change the fact that he pushed you down the stairs. it does not change the fact that he caused you to lose your baby. it does not change the horrible things he said to you.
You are a victim of domestic violence. Plain and simple. and you should not stand for it. you can do better than that.
An unfortunate pattern in the behavior of abusive partners is that they will hit their partners, and then apologize for it. then they'll hit them again. What this boy needs ot do is take an anger management class before you agree to have anything to do with him ever again (and if i were you, i wouldn't anyway).
Check out our threads about domestic violence and abusive partners in Relationships and Support Groups.
------------------ oh, don't even po-mo me, baby...
Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000
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No one here can tell what you should or shouldn't do, but if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't take back any man(or woman for that matter) that hit me. Its been shown that men who hit their partners will more than likely reoffend. You ex sounds dangerous, you can look at it in whatever light you want, but he killed your baby. Yes, harsh I know, but lets face it, thats what it amounts to. Just because someone cries, tells you they are sorry and sends you flowers doesn't mean they've changed, or that they won't slap you again. And, maybe, if he did hit you, next time it might be you that dies. In fact, if he did to me what he did to you I would have reported him to the police.
And another thing, would you trust him after what he did before? Could you ever? Without trust, there can be no relationship. It just won't work.
As I said before, I can't tell you waht to do, but I would strongly advise you to stay the hell away from this guy. He's dangerous, and the people who are campaigning for him don't know what happened, I wonder how quick they'd be to campaign for him if they did?
Hey, this guy should just take a long, hard look at himself. He has absolutely NO Right to be angry with you for being pregnant. It takes two to tango and all that. He also had no right to call you a whore. It's all very well him telling you he's sorry, but I think that if he was really sorry, he would be CRAWLING back to you, coz to be honest, you should NEVER have to put up with that sort of abuse - I've seen it happen before, and if he can do it once, he can do it again.
Now I've finished ranting, my advice would be to take some time out to see what this boy has done to you - he's killed your baby and hurt you, which in my view, is unforgivable. Whatever you do I hope it works out. *lotsa hugs from da bajjah*
Personally, I'd look in to pressing assualt charges. Attacking people isn't okay (that's why it's a crime), and the reason he used to justify doin so just compound that fact. No one needs an abusive partner, and no amount of flowers can ever change that.
------------------ Why scream and shout when you know it's true? Why fall in love when there's better things to do?
Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000
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[As per request, the full poem. Feel free to edit this if it seems too long.]
I have a poem that I found years ago. It's called "I got Flowers Today". Your situation reminded me of it. It's a moderatly long poem, but not as long as some I write:
I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night, And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.
Cycles start early, and sadly enough, many people, not just women, don't have the courage to break the cycle.
[This message has been edited by DarkChild717 (edited 05-08-2002).]
Alright. There is the whole poem. I cannot for the life of me remember where I got it, or where I can find it. Sorry!
Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000
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Oh my goosh!!! I feel so sorry for you!!! i owuld not take him back because that is not good for a boy to trei to hit u and push u down the steps and stuff not that is not no real man!!cause no men are spous to hit u or nothing like that so i say don't take him back ust to let u know!!!u should just move on like i did. Bye
Posts: 4 | From: brooklyn new york USA | Registered: Nov 2001
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Hey DitzyDixieChick, I would like to know if you're okay now. You haven't posted in awhile and I almost cried when I read your story. I feel so horrible for you and I'm worried. Let us know how you're doing, girl. I want to hear from you!
Posts: 67 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow... | Registered: Mar 2002
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What if you where to get pragnent again with him? Do u think he would do the same thing? He took a life, and hurt you. I would have pressed charges. Well forgiving people is always good, but i don't think he desirves any girl. I am sorry this had to happen to you
I just want to thank you all for replying and for your kind words. Your right. I shouldn't take him back. A friend of mine had her baby yesterday, she's 16, I went to see her and her baby girl was so beautiful. And I couldn't help but think that I would of had a baby like that. I'm pro life, so I believe life begins at conception. So I think that yes, my baby felt pain when it died. And so yes, I dont think I can forgive him for killing our child. I confronted him the other day. I told him to leave me alone, not to try and speak to me anymore at all. That if he did try to contact me, I would press charges (which means my father and brother and uncles and so forth would find out and they would more than likely kill him). He cried and asked me to forgive him. I walked away. So anyway, thank you all again for helping me.
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE HIM BACK BECAUSE THERE ISN'T THAT MUCH LOVE IN THE WORLD THAT CAN FORGIVE THE HURT HE CAUSED. SAY FOR INSTENCE IF YOU GET PREGNANT AGAIN DON'T YOU THINK HE WILL HAVE THE SAME REACTION? LISTEN HOMEGIRL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU AND LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
Posts: 30 | From: Homestead Fl, 33033 | Registered: May 2002
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Whoa Cutie, calm down th caps pleasse. They give the impression that you're shouting and really ache to read. Plus, sometimes its better if you read all the replies in the thread before you post and then you can get a fuller picture of waht's been said.
Posts: 896 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2001
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