Here's my list of things they don't teach in childbirth class, but should, taken from my own experience. Hope it brings a smile or two
1. Maternity clothes are tools of the Devil. A big stretchy panel on the front of your pants. Macaroni-and-Cheese-Orange pantyhose. Nightgowns with big slits in the front that do nothing for coverage. And some of the ugliest bras you've ever seen outside your grandma's dresser drawer. Get used to the 'grandpa pants', because you'll be wearing them directly under your breasts until your baby comes. These, my friends, are what you should be shown when you're being taught abstinence in Health class. They're more effective than anything you'll ever hear.
2. When you're pushing, sometimes your baby's head isn't the only thing that comes out. Imagine; downward pressure on your bowels as the baby moves southward. Play with a Play-Doh Fun Factory, learn all about extrusion, and you'll understand what I'm talking about.
3. Newborn babies sometimes arrive complete with an impressive blanket of hair on their back and shoulders. Like those guys you sometimes see on the beach who you think are wearing sweaters.
4. Newborn baby heads are more moldable than clay. You may find yourself holding a little miniature Conehead. Or someone with a high ridge running down the center of their head. Don't worry; these go away within the first week or two. It's a great chance to try out all those adorable baby hats you've no doubt gathered in the last few months.
5. Modesty and Childbirth aren't very good friends. Towards the end, Childbirth gets so whiny and annoying that Modesty goes on vacation for a while. This is especially helpful if you're breastfeeding; sometimes the nurses will manually help your baby latch on.
6. You'll be amazed at how high your cervix seems when a doctor with big hands is checking it. Apparently, mine is located somewhere between my sinuses and my tonsils.
7. Remember all that lung capacity you lost in the last 40 weeks? It comes back quickly and is one of the strangest sensations you'll encounter.
8. Remember all that bladder capacity you lost in the last 40 weeks? It doesn't. And when you're laying in bed, sometimes you aren't aware that the tank is full. Be sure to remind yourself to get up at least once every three hours. You don't want to have to call the mop-and-bucket lady into the bathroom doorway. Believe me, I know.
9. You'll be told that it is not pain you'll feel during childbirth, it's pressure. This is true in the same way a tornado might be called an aircurrent.
10. At all costs, avoid mirrors after you have your baby. That's a surprise best left for the safety and security of your own home.
11. You may not fall in love with your baby at first sight. This can take a while for some women, and is perfectly normal and acceptable. Your baby, however, will. Prepare to feel more needed and adored than you have in your life.
12. Babies sleep more than you think. Don't always feel pressured to do the same. Not tired? Do something for yourself. Bathing will turn into an immesurable joy.
13. Remember those periods you missed during your pregnancy? They're back. And they've brought friends.
I need my conscience to keep watch over me
To protect me from myself
So I can wear honesty like a crown on my head
When I walk into the promised land
Aria of Mayhem