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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Dealing with the dads!

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Author Topic: Dealing with the dads!
Skittles
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I broke up with the father of my twins in August - actually it was mutual, but more because he didn't seem to want to help or accept any responsibility for his babies.

He's been getting off scott free for the last 2 months, and I'm really tired of it. We're both 17, but I'm not sure if he's required to pay some sort of child support or not.

I found out from a mutual friend a few days ago, that one of the reasons that he wasn't treating me as well during the last few months of my pregnancy was because he was embarrased and ashamed to be seen with a big fat pregnant chick, and it was ruining his image! How shallow is that!? I was furious!

Lately he's been trying to come back into our lives. I'm not sure how I feel about this, or if his reasons are the right reasons for wanting to come back.

It's just so stressful!! Is anyone else having similar problems? Does anyone know about child support?

Thanx!

------------------
Peace, love, empathy
Melissa

[This message has been edited by Skittles (edited 09 November 2000).]


Posts: 68 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Okie well i'm not a parent or anything by any means, but i think i can help you a bit by giving you some sort of outlook from your kids point of view ...

As for the father, he's young and stupid. He is supposed to be paying child support however. At least i think so ... If he's old enough to spread his sperm (i know, kinda blunt, sorry) then he should have to pay for your children (yours as in both of yours) ...

I think the only way he would want to come back into your life would be for good reasons. What bad reason could their be? He probably just wants to be in his babies lives. How involved in their lives he is right now is up to you ... But i suggest you let him in somewhat. They deserve a dad right? And no matter how much you hate him or are mad at him, don't let them see that. My parents were divorced when i was 5 and i had to deal w/ that all the time ... grr ...


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Aria51
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Here's an opposing view on a couple of things, but not the child support thing. First off, yes, he is supposed to be paying child support. If you don't think he'll stick to a verbal agreement, get thee to a lawyer.

I'm in the process of having a restraining order put against my baby's father. To be blunt, he was an ******* through the pregnancy. He never used my name, it was always something cute like "that damn slut" or "the Antichrist". Before Evan was even born, we both signed off custody to my mother for insurance and financial reasons that I won't get into right now. As soon as Evan was born, he called constantly, asking if he could see him. I said, if you want to see him, you have to meet us in public because it's neutral ground. He refused. The calls increased, and I'm back to being called The Antichrist. Then his new girlfriend starts calling. Then his mother. And his father. Then, one night I was in the town where he lives, visiting my boyfriend Jeremy. Evan was at home with my mother. We were at a bar, just hanging out. Evan's father came up to us with his bovine girlfriend, and started yelling insults at us. His girlfriend pushed me. By this time, the bouncer's there, telling them that they have to leave. On the way out, he yells, and I'm not kidding, "Don't be surprised if you find that kid missing some morning. I know where you live."
The next night a car pulls into my driveway and blows its horn. Three AM. It pulls away. Surprise surprise, it's his. Needless to say, he doesn't get to be a part of Evan's life.

Luckily, it doesn't seem like you're in this sort of situation. But there are many things for you to consider. Will your ex be a constant part of the babies' lives, or will he pop in and out every few years? Do you feel safe having your babies around your ex? Do YOU feel safe around him? Your babies do need positive role models, but those don't necessarily have to be their father. They can be your friends, your family, that big yellow thing on TV. So if you don't feel comfortable with your boyfriend having visitation rights to your babies, politely but firmly refuse. If you do, more power to you.

And i'm going to completely agree with Smurf. Nothing's worse than hearing about how much your mother hates your father.

Hope this all helps and makes sense, you can ICQ me or something if you have any questions


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Skittles
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Thanx for your inputs

I don't have a problem with him seeing the twins, or being with them but he just doesn't seem to be interested in them unless I'm with him.

Like last week, we went out *without the twins* and all he could do was talk about how he missed them and wanted the 3 of us back in his life. I have a feeling this was a phoney attempt to get me back. I don't know what his intentions would be tho, sex maybe?

We're still pretty good friends and I trust him, but I can't read his mind. I don't know if he wants me back, the twins back, or all of us back and if it's for the right reasons.

He's acting like he can't see them unless I'm not there, which isn't true. He can, at anytime, pick up the phone and ask to see them for a day, or even overnight. I would enjoy the break and I'm postive he would be fine with them. But he doesn't seem to want to do that. He seems content with dropping in once a week to say "hi" and to change a diaper. He doesn't contribute anything, which is why I was asking about the child support.

So anyway, how do I go about getting support? Should I just ask him first? What if he refuses?

Thanx

------------------
Peace, love, empathy
Melissa


Posts: 68 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Right ... tell him that you don't think it's fair that he shouldn't have to pay anything. If he refuses, get a lawyer. There's no reason why you have to do this alone ...
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unhappykoger
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he is supposed to be paying child support if he is under age then his parents are supposed to. at least in my state anyway. my sons father has not seen my son in 2 years! but that ok my daughters father (also my husband) takes care of him as his own and in about 6 months from now he is going to see if he can adopt my son. at first it got to me that my sons father wasnt around but then i thought about it i didnt have a father it didnt bother me, why make some one be a part of a childs life when they do not really care. that will just hurt the child more than it will help. one bad thing to do is let him come and go as he wants. he needs to either be there or not. you dont want your children to have a banishing father or one that is only there on birthdays and holidays. if he really doesnt want to have anything to do with the children then let him be a dead beat dad. by the time he wants to be a part of their lives it will be too late. a lot of kids grow up without fathers these days (and some without mothers too) just be the mother and give them all the love they need they will be fine. as for you life goes on!!! there are some good guys out there who are not afraid to make a commitment to a relationship with kids involved. trust me i know. sorry this is so long i just have a lot to say on the subject.
Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
negative*nancy
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Have a nice LONG chat with him.

If he wants to get back together with you - then it should be on YOUR grounds, for the sake and safety of you and your children.

Make sure he has a job/keeps his job/gets a job and pays child support, whether you're together or not. Take the money he gives you and put atleast half of it into an RESP for your kids, or invest it in another way, this money will come in handy in the future.

If he can't handle the responsibilites of being a dad, then he's no good for you - or your kids. You don't need to take care of a third child!


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unhappykoger
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my sons father only wanted to see my son to try to get back with me. but when i told him that i was engaged he hasnt came back since. now im married with another baby. my best friend is still dealing with the same situation. her daughters father only wants to see her daughter when he thinks he has a chance to get her back. now she is married and just had another baby. but he is in jail and when he gets out he is going to do the same thing again. and knowing him personally when he realizes that he cant get her back he will leave the child alone too. i hope this is not happening to you but from personal experience it sounds like it. good luck with him. and do what you think is best for you and your children.
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Bobolink
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OK, I've never had to deal with this. I started doing the parent thingy in the delivery room.

If your child's father is genuinely interested in his child, I would encourage him to be a parent instead of a money-source. He is more likely to pay child support if he feels he has an oppotunity to participate in his child's development. Deadbeat dads and denial of access tend to go hand-in-hand.

I really enjoy being a father but I realise that my son will only be home for a year or two more. He will certainly have his own place after university and is considering moving in with some of his fellow students now.

------------------
All paper clips are born free, but they live in chains


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Skittles
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Thanx guys!

I've actually been considering getting back together with him. I know I love him, and the twins adore him. I guess everyone deserves a second chance, so we just might try.

I'll let you all know ASAP.

------------------
Peace, love, empathy
Melissa

I like to show off! Pictures of my twins can be seen at: http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/mom_of_twins2001

[This message has been edited by Skittles (edited 11-17-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Skittles (edited 11-17-2000).]


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LilBlueSmurf
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I hope things work out for you Skittles ...

And you're sooo right ... everyone deserves a second chance!

~ Smurfy


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Skittles
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Unhappykoger: I have a feeling that I'm in the same boat. That he just wants to see the twins to get back together will me...*sigh*

------------------
Peace, love, empathy
Melissa


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unhappykoger
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if thats what he wants take my advice dont do it. nothing good will come out of it, and you will feel worse than you did before. you and the kids are way better off with out him than if he only wants a relationship with you. that will bring more pain to the children later in life when they get a little older. if you suspect that he only wants to be with you and not the children, then do what me and my friend both did. tell him that there is no chance that he will be with you and stick to it, and then see how long he comes around. my sons father hasnt been there for 2 years, and my friends daughters father hasnt been there for 1 year. that is how we know what they wanted. do let him use your kids to get to you.

------------------
fairykoger@hotmail.com

http://www.angelfire.com/oh2/koger


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mamaalli
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no no no no!! NOT everyone deserves a second chance. I don't know what he did or what you went through but REALLY think about this, ok. YOu and your babies are worth more than that.

I gave my son's father a second chance. And a third chance. And a forth chance. And a fifth chance...our relationship was a never ending cycle of him doing something to physically, emotionally or psychologically harming me, me being so beaten down and tired that it stopped hurting so intensely, him destroying just enough of my self esteem and value for me to think I deserved it and it was somehow my fault, and that I HAD to forgive him. I HAD to give him a second chance because if wasn't such a dirty/ugly/lying/worthless/skanky/slutty/cunty/bitch/whore then maybe he wouldn't have to beat me, maybe he wouldn't have to cheat on me, maybe he wouldn't have to rape me...maybe if I just TRIED HARDER to make the relationship work, maybe if I just GAVE MORE, maybe if I just shut up and put out...just MAYBE if I forgave him and gave him his next "second chance" then he would act better.

Not everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe I am projecting, but you don't seem to WANT to be with him. You seem to be relenting, settling, giving up. You say "oh well, everyone deserves a second chance" like there is no use fighting. It is clear that you KNOW why he wants back in. Just think about it. Not everyone deserves a second chance, but YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!! YOU KIDS DESERVE TO FEEL STABLE!

It took me too long to realize this; too long to realize *I* deserved happiness as much as he did, and his happiness should not come at the expense of mine.

Just think about it. You NEVER have to be with ANYONE, even your kid's father, if they hurt you or make you miserable. You and your kids deserve to be safe and happy. You are worth it.


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Skittles
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Welp peoples, regarding the child support, he's agreed to give me half his paycheck. Half of $7.50 an hour... It's more than what I had before anyway...

------------------
Peace, love, empathy
Melissa


Posts: 68 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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