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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Wigged Out By My Sexual Body? (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Wigged Out By My Sexual Body?
Heather
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I want to repeat something I asked you up there again, because I think, from your last paragraph here, something may have gotten lost in translation:

"I also wonder if you and your spouse (or with any lovers before your spouse, if you had them) ever engage in kinds of sexual play or exploration that take AWAY the ability to look, like play with blindfolds? Or in ways of engaging in sex where everyone can still see, but they are more focused on exploring other senses, like taste, for instance, touch or smell?"

When I ask that, I don't mean the blinds are closed or the lights are off. I'm asking about intentionally making it so one or both of you can't see, or, even if you can see, intentionally exploring sex with one another with a strong focus on other senses rather than sight or looking. Or heck, with you dressed in a way where you DO feel great about your body and don't feel so self-conscious?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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turtl3lady
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I know I can be ignorant sometimes. I apologize if I offended anyone.

From a philosophical perspective, my world is all I know and so if I think someone who is smelly and dress themselves in a way that may offend others, I only believe it is a form of disrespect towards themselves and others because that is what I learned growing up. It's all I know and so it is my truth. I believe it is not the ultimate truth of the world but it is my truth. I often tend to project my "turtl3lady tinted glasses" on to the world...and I don't mean it to be a final "that's the way it is." Everyone's "normal" is different and that's why there's no such thing as normal [Smile] Sorry again...

I think I may be giving off the idea that I must have every hair in place in order for me to feel good. That isn't the case. Today, for example, I am wearing yoga pants covered in cat hair, a plumb t-shirt that I've worn a couple times without washing, a bright red knitted sweater for comfort and my hair is in a braid that I haven't washed for 2 days either (not supposed to wash my hair every day). Obvious I'm not terribly worried how I look today. I'm dressing for comfort...in an office setting...nor have I been feeling very good about myself or anything lately so perhaps that's reflected in how I am dressing (going to see my doc about depression as a possibility for my erratic emotions and wanting to cry pretty well almost every day [Frown] )

I can feel okay when my hair is messied from sex or I've been out camping and am dirty. I can deal with that for at least a little bit. I only don't like it for so long because I feel PHYSICALLY gross. Like if I scraped against my skin, grime would come off. I love more than anything coming out from the shower, fresh and smelling good, and my husband running his face over my cleansed skin, telling me I smell nice. It's just pleasurable to feel and be clean. Imagine popping a piece of spearmint gum into your mouth. It feels fresh and clean. I love it when my body feels like that.

But also growing up, I was told that what I wear and how I manage my hygiene sends a message to other people about who I am. Today, for example...I don't give a crap about how I look today because I'm tired and feeling sad. And apparently being fat seems to make me look worse (as many people seem to think fat people are just gross in general--NOT ALL--but there is certainly a lot of fat shaming out there). I don't know if it was on purpose but perhaps my mother also taught me that over-eating and being overweight was a part of not respecting oneself. I believe that in a way...because I don't think I do respect myself. So I don't know. Does that answer anything? [Frown]

(PS--Went to my local sexual health clinic and they said they had no idea what kind of information to give out for counselling. I don't want to go to my family doctor. I see her all the time and I feel like an annoyance especially since she speaks quickly and I feel like she has one foot out the door. I will talk to her soon...I'm just embarrassed to I guess. I hate feeling like I look like a pathetic person <again, this never applies to anyone else--just my interpretation and how it affects me>.)

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turtl3lady
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Oh. Yes we've had sex in complete darkness before. Those are the best. Because then no one can see anyone [Razz]
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turtl3lady
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And sometimes I do put on a pretty dress and try to make myself feel pretty...but if I hate how my hair looks or I think my head looks to small in what I am wearing or something, for example, I scrap the pretty clothes and put plain looking ones on...I don't want to draw attention to myself. How silly. I feel more self conscious in pretty clothes [Frown]
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Heather
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It's all okay, no worries. [Smile]

So, with how you're dressed today, would you say that you still feel pretty great about yourself? In other words, that while you may feel more fancy or a little more confident with more effort put in, you still think you're awesome, and could perhaps access sexual feelings and confidence presenting this way?

It doesn't sound that way at all, but I want to just ask so I'm not making assumptions.

Also, have you been able to get your hands on "Big, Big Love" yet? If not, it's sounding more and more like that book may be the one that's the best help for you right now, book-wise.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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turtl3lady
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
It's all okay, no worries. [Smile]

So, with how you're dressed today, would you say that you still feel pretty great about yourself? In other words, that while you may feel more fancy or a little more confident with more effort put in, you still think you're awesome, and could perhaps access sexual feelings and confidence presenting this way?

It doesn't sound that way at all, but I want to just ask so I'm not making assumptions.

Also, have you been able to get your hands on "Big, Big Love" yet? If not, it's sounding more and more like that book may be the one that's the best help for you right now, book-wise.

With how I dressed today, I have to say I don't feel very good about myself. I don't usually feel very good about myself. I'm not sure I understand the 2nd half of the question. When I have a slight boost in confidence and I wear things that look decent on me and I have more effort out into my hair and make-up (even tho it may not make much of a difference)...it doesn't ultimately make a difference in terms of how I feel about myself. I just think other people might like what I'll be wearing. I don't think I ever could access sexual feelings and confidence based on what I'm wearing. Yet I feel more insecure if I wear pretty clothes...because then my irrational fears say "such an ugly person wearing clothes too nice for her." I know it's dumb.

Where can I find Big Big Love? Library? Indigo or Chapters?

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Heather
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Any of those places, yep!

I personally am starting to get the impression that all this looks stuff is a bit of a red herring.

In other words, I am strongly suspecting that we've just got some low self-esteem issues here that would not magically be fixed if you looked differently. I think, for sure, looks and a focus on them -- more precisely, so much value put there, and on specific ways of looking or presenting, no less, some of which are simply outside anyone's complete control -- are part of what is making such a huge mess for you here.

But I think underneath all of that, you'd be having similar feelings and issues all the same. And even if you looked the ways you hold up as ideals, $20 says you would STILL feel much of the way you are feeling.

There's nothing pathetic about needing help: in fact, I'd say seeking out and getting help when we need it is something that takes courage and shows strength, not the opposite. I think you really would benefit a lot from a good counselor. If your local clinic doesn't have a list of local counselors, and you do not feel able to ask your doctor for a referral, you can also just look this up yourself, with your local phone book. Local hospitals also often have printed resources for people seeking out therapy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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turtl3lady
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I don't doubt it's low self esteem. I always knew it was there...I suppose I have just underestimated how much of a toll it has been taking on me.

A friend of mine did actually recommend someone who does some free counselling in my area...there is some wait time...but I don't doubt it would be worth it. I will look up Big Big Love. I have a few libraries near me and so I should go see if I can get myself another good read along with all the wonderful literature you suggested in past posts. I will create a list and read and read...I miss doing that.

Thank you so much for seeing this all the way through with me in so many posts...it's ultimately a long process I need to go through and not just a quick fix (God knows I need patience and I have a severe lack of it!).

You and your team are amazing Heather [Smile] continue to change lives!

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turtl3lady
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Also, just reading back on your other posts to look for literature references, you once asked if I visited art museums.

I have. I love it. I'm an artist myself. My main subject: naked women. I love the anatomy of women. They're graceful and gorgeous. Especially Renaissance.

Go figure, eh? (most of those ladies in those paintings are also humble breasted...I seem to have a problem with larger breasts because they don't appear so timid or graceful. Just KABOOM! That's how I feel about mine anyways. But I try to give thanks at least for those. I would rather have and love my breasts than to not have any.)

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Heather
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So maybe it is time to focus on some positive self-portaiture, with bodies that DO look like yours?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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By the by, an artist I consider a serious inspiration, who is also a marvelous person, is Laurie Toby Edison.

She has a book of portraits called Women En Large that are AMAZING. Have a Google. Get inspired and maybe open your eyes around all of this a bit more. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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