Okay.. so if there was a sex therapist for teenagers I would totally go to one right now, but I can't and my mums given me the best advice she can but I'd like a second opinion so I came here :/...again! Haha sorry if this is a really long post.. My boyfriend is the best guy in the world. He really is - I love him and I'm sure I'm definitely still attracted to him, it's just ... well sex has been difficult for us lately. Namely, because I never seem to be the mood and the way I've tried to explain it to him is... it's like sex just isn't even on my mind right now. Like not at all. And I don't know why. I've been trying and trying to recall how I started to feel like this and when it started affecting our sex life. Everything has been fine for the last year and a few months. Our last holiday together wasn't great in terms of sex but I think that's because I was really worried the whole time about getting another outbreak of herpes while with him. (Luckily I haven't had anything since the first time and that was last year) So we had some sex but not lots. It's not my pill either, I know that. He's tried everything bless him. Being sexy, being romantic, I even tried reading a dirty book or watching something dirty before he came over to get myself in the mood but when he found out he said it shouldn't be like that. I should just feel that way naturally when I'm with him and I feel like he's right. I recently went away for a week and I thought the time apart would definitely make me want him when I came back, but when I did the scenario I had planned in my head didn't work because I couldn't kiss him cuz he had a coldsore! We haven't properly been able to kiss since I went away last week and I came back on thursday! He tried to make me orgasm last night (really bad timing for trying) and we had a really long conversation about this issue which ultimately ended up with us having sex, the last time was on thursday - which wasn't great I might add since no kissing, and it was good but I don't know if it'll stay that way. It feels like last night was just luck. It's putting pressure on both of us! Our sex life shouldn't be like this I mean we're both 18 for crying out loud. Things were fine before I don't know how it got like this. I know the usual answers are spice it up (costume, different positions and stuff) but I don't think that will work. He can't make me orgasm and that's always been an issue too. We came to an agreement that we might try and go back to just foreplay again, like we did when we were first together and no sex - so we'd have to stop ourselves. I hope that works but I really don't know where this has come from or why I'm suddenly like this. It's like a wires come loose in my brain or something... Sorry this was so long... any help would be much appreciated and I'll answer any questions as clear as I can...
I'm sorry this is so stressful for you right now. Sometimes sexual desire can fluctuate; a person might feel strong arousal, or feel aroused often, for a while, and those feelings can be less intense or happen less often at other times.
That certainly can be related to stresses elsewhere in your life, problems in a relationship, or even some medications - but sometimes it's just a thing that happens without a clearly-identifiable cause.
Here's a thought: If there are things that you've found do help you feel aroused and/or excited about having sex with your boyfriend right now, maybe you could compile a list of those. Even if they aren't all things you're interested in incorporating into your sex life with your boyfriend, like books or movies (I don't necessarily agree that you should feel like you have to feel arousal "naturally," but even if you don't want to rely on those materials it might be helpful to know that they are helping you with those feelings, because you may be able to tease out what aspect is arousing to you), go ahead and write them down. Whatever you can think of. Is there a common thread here? Something that isn't happening often between you and your boyfriend? It does sound like kissing might already be something you know you can put on that list.
Once you have this, it might be something to look at to see if you can incorporate some of those things more than you have been before. If you are doing all of those things already and you're still not feeling a lot of desire, then I think it's better to just take a break from sexual activity for a while instead of trying to force it.
Maybe the two of you can talk about some ways you can continue to feel intimate without having sex? I think putting a lot of pressure on yourself to fix things as quickly as possible might just make you more stressed out right now.
Posts: 934 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013
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Sorry to hear things are so frustrating.
just to be clear, we're not sex therapists (or therapists of any kind) here.
We're educators. What we can do is talk through this with you to help you figure out what's going on, or, at least s ome things to try to help yourself. Plus, we can give you information that might help you look at this with a broader lense.
I have a few questions first.
When you say you're not in the mood for sex, what exactly do you mean? That is, are you not in the mood for any physical affection at all? Or are you not in the mood for specific sexual activities?
I'm wondering if you think your nervousness about having a herpes outbreak might be making you feel hesitant about some things. It sounds though like you really feel you have that covered. Am I hearing that correctly?
I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from with not feeling like you need to use sexy books or watching a dirty movie to feel turned on, since many people feel threatened by these things. However, there's nothing to feel threatened by. The reality is that people's sexualities are so complex that all sorts of things turn them on. It's not a reflection on him, or on the relationship, if your sexuality involves you bringing in sexy things from outside the two of you. You told us what he thinks of this, but you didn't mention what you think of it, or whether it worked for you in any way.
There's a lot here, so I'll leave you with this. Oh, and for the record, I don't think the answer here is necessarily to spice things up. When something isn't working, it generally doesn't help to add more to it without looking at the basics of what is going on and figuring things out from the bottom up. Make sense?
[ 09-16-2013, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]
-------------------- Robin Posts: 5960 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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Thanks so much for replying guys! I really appreciate your help and thank you Molias for some great ideas.
Robin, what I mean to say is when he comes round I'm fine with cuddles and kisses but... doing anything more just feels like too much effort. I've said to him I'm probably just be lazy and for a while I tried to make myself get into and then sometimes I feel turned on, like getting over the hill that just can't be bothered. But that sounds bad! I can't be bothered to do those things with someone I love, I should want to really shouldn't I? Yeah, and when I spoke to my mum she thought subconsciously I could be hesitant. Like without really knowing it. We haven't had the most normal sex life from the start unlike most teenagers because I'm such a worrier about things, and the herpes made it worse.
In terms of the books and movies, I think it might be useful for getting over this bump in our relationship, but when I think of always having to use them... I wouldn't want to do that. I'd want to be able to just be around him and feel in the mood if I could. I think it did work...I only tried it a couple of times but I was still very aware that I'd had to put myself in the "turned on box" as it were, like manually, but I guess that's not a bad thing.
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So, what do you think would happen if you just focused for a while on cuddling and kissing? Those things can be sexual too, you know. It sounds like you might be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have what you think of as a "normal" sex life.
The reality is that everyone's sex life is different, not only different from everyone else's sex life, but different from day to day, week to week, partner to partner, and so on.
Have you and your boyfriend sat down and talked about what you're each looking for from your sex life? Or, have you sat down on your own and thought about what *you* want from your sex life? What do you want from sex with a partner, and what do you want for your own sexuality, separate from that of a partner? (Even when we're partnered, we still have our own sexualities that aren't completely tied in with being sexual with a partner.)
This "yes, no, maybe" tool can be helpful for folks trying to sort out what they're really, truly interested in at present. It might be helpful for you and your partner to go through this together, or, if that feels like too much pressure, to go through it separately then talk about your answers together.
Again, I hear you voicing a lot of concern about what your sexuality "should" be like, or what you need to be doing to fulfill your part of the partnership. If I'm hearing that correctly and this is the case, i'd suggest going through this list on your own first, so you're fully focused on what *you* want and are interested in for you, not for anyone else.
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