posted
I am having some serious body issues. I just lost 70 pounds but I don't see myself as other people do. When I look at myself all I see is imperfections and scarring. I went from 225 pounds to 155 in about three months. I just got a boyfriend and we are both sexually attracted to one another. He keeps on asking me to have sex with him but I am terrified to be naked in front of him from the belly button down. I have horrible stretch mark and acne scars on my inner thigh and I am mortified to show anyone let alone my new boyfriend. I don't feel exactly comfortable talking to him about this yet but that doesn't mean that I don't want to have sex with him because I do. I just have no idea what to do; I just keep coming up with lame excuses to why we should wait to have sex.
Also I feel that I am still fat and I kind of have the feeling that he doesn't realize how big I really am and I am kind of scared that once we have sex he won't want to be with me anymore. Please help!!!!
Posts: 2 | From: United States | Registered: Oct 2012
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posted
Hills, I know pretty much exactly where you're coming from. I lost 60 pounds over about a year and a half, and because it was so gradual, I still thought of myself as fat sometimes. It does take a long to get over that feeling of "I'm fat" even though you aren't, but I promise you, you will.
Definitely don't have sex until you feel comfortable with yourself, though. I thought I was ready and tried to take it farther than I was really ready to go with my boyfriend--and this was long before we even had sex. I wound up sobbing in his arms, thinking I wasn't beautiful, but he reassured me time and again that I am. And sometimes, I still need that reassurance from him, and he gives it. The point is, this guy should accept you for who you are, "imperfections", perceived or real, and all.
Also, I'd bet you pretty much anything that there is more than one thing your boyfriend does not like about his own body. We often idealize our partners' bodies, but I'm pretty darn sure our partners can tell you off the top of their heads at least one thing they'd change physically about themselves. (Honestly, there are still things I'd change about myself, too, but, as I've found, being attractive isn't just about the outside--it really is about the whole.)
It's hard to talk with a partner about all these feelings. It can bring all of those feelings of low self-worth back on you, when that's the last thing you want to feel ever again. But in feeling them again, I started to realize that that's who I was, not who I am, and having been a size 16 does not define the size 6 or 8 I am now. I had to learn to love both of those in order to get past this. To learn to love that, I had to talk to someone, and my boyfriend was that person.
In my opinion, the next time he asks, you should at least tell him that you are not in an emotional place where you can do that right now. It's not lame to say--it's the truth. If he asks for details, tell him what you can. It's okay to cry, and it is okay to hold some things back for now if you really feel that you can't say them, but there are things you'll need to get out in order to accept yourself.
I also think you're seeing things as your own worst critic. It's something we all do, but when my boyfriend sees my stretch marks or my dark, coarse hair (yay, genetics!) or my love handles, those aren't his focus, nor were they when he saw them for the first time. His focus was/is on making me feel beautiful and good about myself, and about enjoying that time that we share together.
Finally, sex is not an all-or-nothing proposition. I think you're talking intercourse, but sex is so much more than that, and, for me, at least, it really helped to progress slowly from activity to activity until I was okay with seeing/being seen, and then touching/being touched. If this guy is in it for a long haul, then he will progress at a rate that is most comfortable for both of you. If not, it's not you; it's him.
I just unpacked a lot there, I know, but I really hope some of it helps. Hang in there--you'll get there, I promise. Remember: you're you, and that's enough. Posts: 70 | Registered: Apr 2012
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Wow thank you so much, I feel so much better now knowing that I am not alone. I just hope that he is okay with it because I can't even imagine losing him right now but then again if he isn't than he is not right for me.
Posts: 2 | From: United States | Registered: Oct 2012
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Glad to help. Believe me, sometimes, it's still fresh like it was yesterday, and this was a good 18 months ago that I first had this same problem.
It's hard to think "What if he doesn't accept me?", but if you don't give him the chance (again, only when you're good and ready), how can he? Also, like I said, self-acceptance is a wonderful thing and will get you far. It might take a while and a lot of soul-searching, but it'll come. Posts: 70 | Registered: Apr 2012
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(CSandSourpatch, that was some awesome advice! Thanks so much for sharing your story! Go you )
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8422 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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If we only had positive karma on this board (ie. you can give 1 karma to posts you like, but importantly there's no such thing as negative karma. ).
Although, I guess that wouldn't work so well with a forum where it is EXPECTED that people will be kind and considerate.
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I'm just glad I can help. I know that I felt pretty alone when I was going through this same stage, and while my boyfriend could tell me sincerely that I was beautiful to him, there were times where I'd think, "That's easy to say--you're skinny as a rail!"
I remember thinking one day, "But why should his being skinny make me feel any less beautiful?" It was just sort of an a-ha moment for me. I wish I could have realized that earlier, but in the end, what matters is that I realized it for myself, and now, I'm a much happier, self-confident person for it. That's the same thing I want for Hills.
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