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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » looking in the mirror

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Author Topic: looking in the mirror
foreverbroken
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So i have a hard time seeing the beauty my parents see in me and my friends. When i look in the mirror all i can see is the inperefect (theres a word i am lookin for). It is so easy for me to help others and say things that will help and make them happy. But when it comes to me i have a hard time following my own adivce that I give. I am constently being put down by my dad. Its like a yo yo. He is happy and then hes mad. I can never tell when he is going to be in a good or bad mood. I feel like i am walking on egg shells around him. Deep down I know i am a loyal, caring, and friendly person. Sometimes (most) i have a hard time beliving it. I was bulleyed my whole life. When someone says something to you over and over you began to belive it even tho you know its not true. Its like the brain and the heart are saying oppisite things. Does that make sense? I know have a lot of posts on the site and i am sorry. I feel comfertable sharing how i feel here. I have really bad trust issues because every time i began to trust someone they leave becaue they dont want to deal with me. So basiclay I am looking for advice, caring words, and a listeing ear. Is that possible?

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Im always abandond

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Sans
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Hey, diamonddust44. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with such pain in the form of bullying and the put-downs from your father. For sure, hearing repeated negative comments can definitely take its toll in the form of ingraining the words into one's mind. I know how tough it can be to experience this. My ex-stepfather had always been extremely insulting and off-putting towards me. After 6 years of living with him and listening to that kind of stuff all day, I came to believe in it solidly.

When you feel like you are walking on egg shells around someone, that is usually an indicator that something is extremely wrong. Does your dad receive any professional help for his behavior? You should not be made to feel unsafe or having to tiptoe around anyone.

I am glad you realize that you are a loyal, caring, and friendly person. It is totally understandable why you would have a hard time believing it at times, but keep trying! Hold on to the truth that you know about yourself. And, as difficult as it is, know also that the negative things others say about you are false. You are a wonderful person, and there is no one who can change that no matter what they do. [Smile]

Lots of support coming from me!

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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foreverbroken
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Thanks. I was always was bullied from 1-12 grade. No my dad does not get any help he gets mad when i even go to the doctor. I cant help if i have a heart condition. My dad was really bad before my rape. He would call me fat. He watches what I eat and says that I am getting a gut or there is a lot of stress on that button. OH i can pinch more then an ince. I tried talking to him or writing him a note nothing seems to help. I am giving up on making him happy. He always compares me to my brother.I dont know what to do anymore. He also say how my best wasnt good enough. Getting a C in college is bad and i need to try harder. He flips someetimes if i have a shirt on the floor or my bed not being made perfect. I feel like i dont have any freedom at home like i do at college. I cant wait to go back, but on the other hand its going to be hard becaues thats where my rape took place.

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Im always abandond

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foreverbroken
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Does any of this make sense? or am i just rambling?

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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It makes sense.

I'm wondering a few things in terms of finding some support with this.

For one, are you in the system with disability services? If so, do you have a social worker there?

Also, given your age, it seems like you must be in an early entrants program (a very unusual one, I'd say, since most won't even allow students to start until they're 16, and you obviously would have started before then, since you're 16 now) in order to be in college. Does the college have any additional supports for their early entrants students?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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what does entrants program mean? I dont have a social worker. I am getting extra help at school with note taking and test accomidations. I am going to be seeing a counselor when i go back to school which i am really excited about. I am 19 not 16.

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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Ah, you must have input your birthdate wrong accidentally when registering (it lists your birth year as 1996).

So, you don't have an advocate or someone you work with at all through any disability services?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ya i did lol my bad. And i am invloved with the disability services at the college getting help with taking notes and tests and i have touters that i can get with the program i am in for people with either low income or with disabilities. So thats nice i can get a touter for every subject.

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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How about asking what emotional support service you might also be able to get in terms of your disability?

Are your parents still your legal guardians despite you being over 18? If they are, then disability or social services would still be able to intervene (and might anyway) in terms of making sure that when you are home, your home is an emotionally safe place for you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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yes they are and i dont want to cause any more tension then there already is. And I can ask the disability services. I do have an advicate that i can see and i am seeing her tomorrow. I try ti ignore my dad as best as i can. Your not going to tell anyone are you?

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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I'm not a mandated state reporter for your state, so the only reason I would notify authorities in a situation like this was if in my estimation, there was serious abuse going on.

It doesn't sound like things have been emotionally healthy and supportive for you there, but so far, I am not seeing you report an abusive family situation. As well, this would be a different situation with someone who was a minor and who did not have the legal right to live independently, which I assume you do.

So, before going to a reporting consideration, period, in a situation like this, I would be finding out why someone is choosing to live back in a home in the first place that they don't feel good at.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ok and most days its good at home and some days its not its more like 50 50. For the most part i ignore him and leave the room or cry and he is better later if i dont argue

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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Well, and perhaps when you start working more with a counselor, that can also include evaluating if going back home for long stays is a good idea for you or not, and looking at other options, like living in a different place during breaks from school, especially long summer breaks.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ya I want to go to Cali for summer next year. One of my friends who has noonans also lives there and i think it would be a lot of fun spending the summer there or at least part of it. My dad will be like what about getting a job to pay for school?

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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I hope you can make that happen, it sounds like that'd be a great summer for you.

And of course, you can always look for a job there to help fund that trip and pitch in for school. [Smile]

Is your father paying for your schooling?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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no i have a college fund right now but its going to be gone by the end of this semester. So we have to find a way to pay for the second semester. I am afraid my dad wont let me go to Cali even tho i really want to and even if its only for 2 weeks or so.

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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This is something I'd talk to disability services about.

Of course, if you're capable of working, there are plenty of us who went to school by paying our own way, through scholarships, etc. so that is often doable.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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i do not quallify for finaial aid my parents make to much unless i mark i am going for masters or i am homeless or about to become homeless. I am going to do masters eventually idk if its going to be tell i have one year of experience in the work field or not. SO i might mark it and see if i can get any help with paying for college

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Im always abandond

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The Real Me
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Hey, Im sorry your going thru all of that, I know it is tough and im currently dealing with stuff like that but im finding ways to also help me cope. I want you to know Im here for u and im here to listen and try to help u as much as possible. Just let me know if u need to talk.

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*The Real Me*

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foreverbroken
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I would love to talk. [Smile] and find out some ways of coping

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Im always abandond

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