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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Not quite as emotional as others; is that an issue? (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Not quite as emotional as others; is that an issue?
LizC
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Oh, wow, that's a terrible situation, I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you have gotten out of it and gotten help. I feel like my dad could have been truly abusive(not to suggest there's a kind of false abuse or ANYTHING like that, just that he might be maliciously negligent/abusive rather than oblivious and confused and ignorant) if he didn't have such strong moral convictions; my brother, who is a carbon copy of him but without any conviction or self-awareness or regret, has extreme anger issues and is a bully, physically and emotionally, when he's not being a sugar-coated sweetie. I mean, he doesn't try it on me, but eventually he'll probably end up badly if things keep going they way they are now.

That's a tangent, but, yeah. That's a common theme in my family; fakery, which is why I've tried really hard to be true to myself all the time and to not front people so they'll like me.

Yeah, that's exactly why I feel bad; I don't want to burden them with something they're not equipped to deal with or that they need to help me out of obligation even when they can't.

Well, my high school is special. I go to a school that is completely online. We have no sports teams(I wish we did), our extracurricular clubs are four-people groups that meet in chatrooms and talk about math or books, and we really have no support system. I'm enrolled in college(yay, dual credit), and to be honest, taking classes there is a highlight of my life, because there ARE things I can do. I was planing on, at the very least, joining the school's Haven(LGBTQ support) group this year, and also seeing if there's a counselor-type person to talk to. Unfortunately, my dad is not letting me take classes, so I don't stress out too much, like I did in the spring. I've tried explaining why I need to have this kind of thing in my life, stress aside, for educational and emotional reasons, but he refuses to budge. My community isn't small, exactly, but there is a distinct lack of activities geared towards people my age, unless they're enrolled in one of the major high schools in the area, and those kinds of things tend to be very exclusive to those students. It sounds really pathetic, but every time I've looked, there's been little to nothing out there for me. Honestly, I can't wait to graduate and start college full-time so that I can take advantage of all the things available to college students without worrying if my parents will ~allow~ it.


I realize it's important, but I can't make that promise. I can't even say that I'd seriously consider it. It's a little bit denial that I'm ever going to let myself get that bad again, and a little bit pride, but a lotta bit that I don't think I could physically pick up the phone and call for emergency medical help unless I was in dire physical need of help. Not saying the same about a help line, since that's exclusively what they're for, but I have to tell you that at this point, I don't think I could call an ambulance. I'm not trying to reject help or common sense or anything like that, please understand, it's just...I don't think I would do it. I don't think I'd ever get that far into a situation without having already attempted to get help, also. I have never just fallen into a pit and decided to start cutting or get suicidal, it always builds up, and I now that I have people to talk to, I try to let them know when I'm starting to feel myself backslide. I've considered help lines before, but I only recently got my own phone, and before, there was no way in hell I was calling a help line from a home phone or someone else's cell. I think, despite my incredible nervousness when it comes to talking on the phone, I maybe could use those. And, honestly, after researching my local mental health center through that link(which I didn't even know existed in my city), I may have to stop by one day and see if I can get any help there.

I feel like I'm word-vomiting here and really, it's something I need to talk to a professional about, and I'm super wary of ~self diagnosing over the internet, but I'm also maybe a little bit starting to wonder if I have a bit of manic depressive in me. Like, I was genuinely surprised when I checked out the wikipedia page for it ages ago and realized it wasn't what I thought it was...and then, just now, when I checked out my local mental health center's site, which I found through that last link of yours, I was looking at their different lists of mental health disorders, and I came across the detailed fancy description of it, and it...kinda fits. Like, I'm energetic and fast-paced and I get a ton of work done and I'm fearless and the world is a good place and I don't sleep and I can literally do anything I want when I'm on a good day, but when I start to get depressed, I slide all the way around and just can't seem to do anything/sleep too much/feel no motivation/lack of energy. I realize those are both normal for a teen to experience, but I can't help but wonder if the almost cyclic and long-term(like being depressed for weeks at a time and then pulling out of it at the drop of a hat) nature of my experiences is a sign or something. And I suck at judging if I'm excessively...anything, really, since I've never experienced what I perceive to be socially normal levels of energy; it's always really high or really low. Of course, I could also have a hyperactivity issue, though I've never been tested. Or some kind of borderline personality disorder. Even if I did have any of these issues, what would be the point of discovering it? I don't like the idea of taking meds, and I doubt I could afford any kind of treatment.

BAH. I really do need to talk to a professional, don't I? It's getting a bit out of hand. I wonder if I should try to get an appointment at this place?

Posts: 37 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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It's alright. I'm glad that I reached out for professional help too. As a result of reaching out, I now have a entire support system. [Smile] Liz, I'm a little confused when you say that you dad could've been truly abusive if he didn't have strong moral convictions; could you explain a little what you meant by that? I'm sorry that your brother exhibits signs of unhealthy behaviour.

I relate to what you stated regarding fakery and wanting to be true to who you are. During the 6 years I lived with my ex-stepdad, I had felt so disgusted with his two-faced-ness that I resolved never to be like him.

Wow, entirely online? Cool! This is the first time I've heard of a high school like that. I'm sorry that your dad is refusing to allow you to get the support you need. I understand that can be so frustrating (my ex-stepdad, too, would try to prevent me from seeking out supportive venues that would've been beneficial for me). But yay to you regarding graduating soon and going to college full-time! It sounds like putting some distance between yourself and your father would be healthy in terms of helping you get the support you need without having someone around to prevent you from doing so.

That's okay right now. I'm glad, though, that you would not get that far into a situation without already having attempted to seek help. That's great. I completely understand what you're saying, and I'm really rooting for you here in terms of you reaching out to others whenever you feel yourself backslide. I'm so happy that you have developed effective measures to keep yourself safe! [Big Grin] What I was trying to convey in reminding you of calling the ambulance in the first place is that your safety is priority number 1. And I'm glad that you are doing so great in terms of looking out for yourself. I congratulate you on it. Personally, it took hospitalization, confinement in the psychiatric intensive care unit, and restraint by 5 guards before it occurred to me that maybe I should get help. [Smile]

I think that stopping by your local mental health center to see what resources and support they can offer you is an awesome idea, especially if you suspect that you may have a mental disorder. If your local mental heath center can get you in touch with a professional who specializes in diagnosing mental disorders, you can tell them your concerns and the results of your research. For sure tell them everything that you've told me here. It's their job to take you seriously. It is in your best interest to go to the center as soon as possible and talk to a professional who will probably do a evaluation with you.

There are many treatment options besides meds, such as psychotherapy, cognitive behaviour therapy, art therapy, pet therapy, aromatherapy, group therapy, just to name a few. Not all of them have a price tag attached. Again, you would only know for sure if you go to the center and ask them about the variety of options available to you. I am currently in treatment for Psychotic Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder by going through psychotherapy, cognitive behaviour therapy and learning self care strategies. I do not have to pay a cent for any of it. It's all free for me. So go and ask them about your options before stressing out regarding treatment costs. [Smile]

Do try to get an appointment at this place, if possible. You are going through some tough issues that can be best addressed with the aid of a professional. I do think that having such support would be very beneficial for you.

Take care!

[ 07-30-2012, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Sans ]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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(Oops, sorry for the double post!)

[ 07-30-2012, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Sans ]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LizC
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Like, oh, I don't know if I'm putting it right. If he hadn't experienced the religious and moral events he's gone through in his adult life, I think the potential could have been there for him to be obviously abusive. I know a bit of his family life growing up, and I know it wasn't the best situation...more accurately, it's the kind that typically breeds abusive members, from what I've read on the subject(I've read a lot, especially after I found out about my sister's abusive relationship). And he sometimes has anger issues, issues with cursing, etc. but he never lets it get out of hand because he knows it would be wrong to take it any further. He very strongly believes that what he does has an eternal impact on his life and the lives of people around him, so he doesn't lash out the way I believe he could and it was trained into him to. So, like, his morals and religious values have changed the way he deals with things and acts, if that makes sense. I have no way of knowing if he was abusive before he had his religious encounters, or if he would be without them, but he has warning signs and sometimes I've felt like maybe it's borderline emotional abuse, so I say it's possible. And because I see so much of him in my brother, who's never had those experiences and therefore exhibits many troubling signs.
I feel like I'm maybe muddling the issue, I don't know. Right now, at this moment, I don't think he's ever abused, physically, emotionally, or otherwise, his family in any definable or conclusive way. Neglect, maybe, sometimes, but I think that stems from him not knowing what else to do if he doesn't react in a harsh fashion, so he just does nothing.


It's a very cool opportunity and I love it, for the most part, but there are some very obvious downsides, as I've mentioned. But I graduate this year, so I literally have to hold on for, like, eight more months, and then I'll have way more freedom.


Yeah, I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line my self-worth kicked in and I realized that maybe I should take care of myself and fix what I didn't like rather than constantly whining about what I hated. Suck it up and try to change, basically, which isn't the greatest advice, but it got me here. If you don't like being ignored, make yourself memorable. If you don't like feeling numb, stop repressing! Which, honestly, has been a two-edged sword, 'cause it hurts like a you-know-what when you're digging around for the splinter, but in the end, it's better to get it out than to let it rot in your skin and get infected and spend ages trying to get rid of that.
/country girl comparisons


Wow. Well. Thank you. I wasn't exactly expecting to be taken seriously. I mean, I was being serious. But people don't like to take teens seriously. Even though I know I'm in a safe spot, it's still pleasantly surprising. Now I just need to figure out the logistics of doing it, since I work the hours they're open. But, really, I think that's the only hurdle left on this track. If I took my desire to visit there to my mom instead of my dad and handled it delicately, she would be curious but would let me go without quizzing me on it. There's a bit of fear of what I might discover, but I pride myself in being fearless, so I'm just gonna ignore that.

My sister has PTSD(from her abusive relationship that ended with a gun pointed at her), and IIRC she treats it primarily with medicine/environmental controls, so I guess I just...assumed that that was the only way to deal with things. IDK. I do know that you have been incredibly helpful and understanding and simply amazing, and I don't know how to thank you enough for it. I feel like I have a direction to go with my drive now, and that's an amazing feeling. Again, thank you, and thanks to everyone else who commented. Even the hugs. I saw those. I'll keep this thread updated, if you don't mind. Heck, I might even reference it, when(not if) I get help, just so I don't have to go through the drawn-out process of re-formulating my thoughts and trying to gather them when there's already a handy guide here.

[ 07-31-2012, 01:18 AM: Message edited by: LizC ]

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WesLuck
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Great news! -hugs for Liz- [Smile]
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Sans
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Oh, I see. I understand what you mean. The ironic thing is, my ex-stepfather has also gone through a lot of religious and moral events, but he takes those things and used them as tactics to further manipulate and emotionally abuse my mother and I. For example, he would act as if he was religiously devout, but then turns upon us and uses passages from Biblical Scripture to justify his abuse. He's positively sickening, huh? I'm glad that your father is not the same way, from what it sounds. [Smile]

Oooh, cool! Well, that is something to look forward to!

I am glad that you are actively trying and seeking out help in order to work with those issues. For me, it took being incarcerated in the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit and physically restrained by 5 burly guards before I started exploring the idea of recovery. Not fun at all! I've learned a lot since then, but I've also gone through a lot of pain in trying to send myself down the opposite direction. You sound like you have much better sense than I did. Go you! [Smile]

You know, I'm actually a teen myself. [Big Grin] I've just recently turned 18, to be exact. Besides the fact that Scarleteen is here to support young people, which especially includes teenagers, I see quite a few aspects of my own experiences and suffering reflected in what you've posted about yourself. How could I NOT take you seriously?

Oh boy. I'm sorry that happened to your sister. Thank you so much for the lovely compliments. You are an amazingly strong person yourself, and I'm glad to be of help. Please do update us on how your're doing, and feel free to come back anytime you want to talk, to vent, or to feel supported. [Smile]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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Also, Liz, one more thing: if you suspect that you might be bipolar, it is a good idea to keep a mood chart in which you track how you are feeling throughout the day for long periods of time. This will prove to be helpful in case you are interested in seeing a professional who will be performing a diagnosis.

Take care!

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LizC
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Hi guys! Long time no post. But I finally(finally!) got some help in November. It's free, and, amazingly enough, quality. I'm in the process of getting my insurance updated so I can get on some mood stuff, because, as I'm sure anyone guessed, I am clinically depressed due to chemical imbalances(in addition to situations and circumstances, of course). I haven't actually talked to my therapist about if I might or might not be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder or anything else. My family life has gotten a lot more complicated due to my mom's sickness getting much, much worse, but I still manage to attend therapy(it's a priority, as it should be).

Basically I just wanted to say that while I'm not fine or perfectly happy, I'm better, and I'm seeking help.

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Robin Lee
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HI LizC,

Good to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear things are stressful and complicated with your family, but so glad that you're getting help and support.

As to specific diagnoses, you can certainly talk to your therapist about that whenever you're ready. You're still getting to know your therapist, and they're still getting to know you, but if they'd detected anything serious that they felt needed to be explored more or attended to immediately they would have let you know.

Again, good to hear that things are as under control as they can be under the circumstances and bravo to you again for getting help and support.

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Robin

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