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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Low Self Esteem After Showering Together

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Author Topic: Low Self Esteem After Showering Together
minty
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Member # 94668

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My fiance and I showered together for the first time recently. Showering/bathing together was an activity we had looked forward to. But I found it to be one of the least sexy experiences ever, and I'm disappointed and feeling low about my body.

Rationally, I understand how the circumstances of the shower may have led to me to feel this way. We had gotten back from a camping trip and the main purpose of showering together was so we could check each other for ticks. So arguably, it was never supposed to be a sexy experience. But I still found myself aroused by my fiance's naked body in the shower, whereas he didn't seem to be the slightest bit aroused by my naked body, and it hurts.

I'm still getting used to being naked around him in the first place (our favorite sexual activity is frottage, so I am always wearing some amount of clothing). I definitely expected that the sight of me naked would have an instantaneous arousing effect on my fiance and so far, that has not been the case at all.

I feel weird talking to him about it because I don't want him to confirm that he really isn't all that attracted to me naked. I find myself just not wanting to engage in activities that involve me being naked anymore. Like now I don't want to shower or bathe with him again, and it's unfortunate, given how much we both looked forward to doing that.

I'm looking for ideas/advice on how to feel more attractive and sexier naked. Thanks!

PS. It may be worth mentioning that I feel very attractive and sexy when dressed, even when scantily dressed, and that I feel like my fiance is attracted to me when I am fully or scantily dressed. I really just feel low about my body when it is naked.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I want to first check in on something with you: do/did you have the expectation that nudity should be, or always is (when someone finds a person attractive) something where an observer will always be MORE aroused by then when someone is dressed?

It sounds like you're voicing that, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't presuming.

If so, can you tell me a little bit about where you think that expectation is from?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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minty
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I do have that expectation, probably largely from the media (especially erotic literature - the way attraction and desire is described once the heroine's clothes are off, etc.)

In retrospect, I, of all people, should know better. Before I got to know my fiance, male nudity was not much of a turn on for me. I consider myself straight, but I was more turned on by nude females than nude males. However, I am very turned on by the sight of my fiance naked. He is often naked because he is just more comfortable that way. Even when he is doing something totally mundane and non-sexual, e.g. walking across the room naked to get his glasses or answer a phone call, I am very aroused.

My fiance viewed/watched (and continues to view/watch on his own time) pornographic pictures and movies of naked women. I do not mind him watching porn. I figured though, that if he found naked women arousing (he does), and if he finds me attractive (he does), then he should find the sight of me naked even more, or at least equally, arousing. But I just don't get that vibe from him.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi Minty,

For a lot of people, arousal is a lot about context. Also, nudity means different things to diffrerent people depending on how they were raised, their beliefs, their individual wiring, and lots of other factors. I can't say this for sure, but the fact that your fiance is just naturally more comfortable without clothing may also mean that scenarios in which people aren't wearing clothing aren't necessarily sexual.

Is talking with your fiance in a way that feels safe for you and with the least amount of potential for disappiontment for you something you'd like to do? We could talk about ways you could start the conversation.

It's definitely okay to feel the way you do, and to be sad or disappointed that the instant arousal you feel when seeing your fiance naked isn't what he seems to feel when he sees you in the same state. A big part of negotiating sexual relationships is bringing two individuals' sexualities together.

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Robin

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minty
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Member # 94668

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That makes sense, the idea that for him, nakedness isn't automatically sexual. He definitely gets naked just to be comfortable and may easily be thinking that's why I get naked too. Sometimes, it is, but most of the time when I want to get naked, the motivation is sexual, not comfort. So it is definitely disappointing when I don't get that kind of response.

Do you have strategies for how to have a conversation about this with my fiance?

Also, thanks for listening. It's good to be able to put these thoughts into words and to feel like I have a safe space to share them.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, minty, I think an awful lot of what you said in your first post here would be a very good, honest open way to initiate this conversation.

Then I'd make sure to ask some questions, like to ask what he knows about himself when it comes to arousal and naked/not naked, like what expectations HE had of being naked like that together for the first time, how he felt about it, how important it was or wasn't for him, and so on.

You'd said you were scared to bring it up because you were worried what might really be going on is that he didn't like your body. How real is that concern for you, and how do you feel about having this conversation with that concern?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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