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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Self Conscious

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Author Topic: Self Conscious
Member # 95940

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So from a very young age I got picked on, plenty. Reasons because of my glasses and my name. As I grew up, a lot of girls developed faster than me, I'm a late bloomer.

I became really self conscious about my body, I had breasts but the where smaller than the average size. My body was thin and my skin pale.

Now I'm older, and I began accepting my body for what it is. But my breasts, hips and buttocks began to grow dramatically now and I feel awkward. I started hiding my chests a lot, and the clothing i wear is to avoid my now new body shape.

While I was still running, my body stayed thin but my hips and chest grew. I didn't really mind. But I have stopped running since february, and I feel like I'm gaining a lot of weight, I can't really control my eating because I have been so use to eating a lot.

I feel disgusting after I eat. I feel disgusted by how my body looks. I know.. I'm not even over the normal weight I'm suppose to be. But I just hate how heavy I feel, every time me and my boyfriend get intimate, I get paranoid about my belly. Like he'll feel disgusted by it, since I never use to have a belly.

He tells me he loves me for who I am but he loves my body too. He tells me I'm not getting fat I'm just developing more, so my weight has to change with it too.
I can't really accept my new body though, I am going to start running again during summer and hopefully it'll boost my confidence like always.

But I don't know.. feel like I'm letting myself go.. I don't want to get bigger I want to get smaller, I want to fit into my jeans. I hate this feeling.

[ 06-04-2012, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: Chuck ]

Posts: 18 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 20094

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This may seem like a bit of an odd question, but is there anything physical that you do not because you need the exercise or you want to burn calories or you feel like you should, but just because it feels good? Because it lets you feel your body moving? Maybe it's running, maybe it's hula hooping or yoga or swimming or dancing around your room because your favourite song is on and you just can't help yourself - whatever it is, do you have something like that?

In a world that puts so much focus on how we look and what shape we are, it can be really tough sometimes to remember that our bodies are awesome fundamentally because of what they can DO, not because of how they look. It's hard to keep that in mind, especially when our bodies change and especially if they seem to be changing away from some ideal or standard.

If it helps to hear, I've been pretty much where you are: I started dancing intensively at a very young age, and kept that up throughout my teens, several hours a day six days a week (and I was thin and pale and short and got picked on plenty for that too). Even if I hadn't been a dancer, I probably would have been on the small side of average anyways just because of genetics, but even at 18 I had no hips, no breasts, I was tiny. And then I got injured, I couldn't dance anymore, and within the space of less than a year, my body changed a lot. I gained some weight, my hips and breasts got bigger, my clothes didn't fit anymore, and it was a shock. I found it really hard to deal with, and to be honest, even though I'm still very small, I still have the occasional moment of "holy cow, I've got BOOBS, where did those come from?!"

There's no easy solution - how amazing it would be if there were. But what helped me was easing my way back into dance and doing it just because it FELT good, because I enjoyed the chance to move, and I picked up yoga and pilates too, just because. I don't look the way I did when I was in high school, and I can't do everything I could then either. I can still do a lot though, and the whole process has helped me appreciate that yeah, no matter what it looks like, this body I've got is pretty amazing, and having breasts and hips and weighing a bit more doesn't change the fact that ballet class or a yoga session is still a heck of a lot of fun.

I don't know if any of that is helpful to you, and I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to make you happy with the way you look again. But you're more than welcome to work through this here as long as you need - what you're going through is so familiar to so many of us, so you're in good company at least. [Smile]

"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 95940

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Thank you for responding. I feel better about myself, and more about my body. Hopefuly I fully accept my shape soon. I'ma acctually start running again tomorrow.. not because of the weight or how I look, but for the simple rush of running. Thank you, you made me feel tad more confident about my shape.
Posts: 18 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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