Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Ex-girlfriend and sex with the new guy.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Ex-girlfriend and sex with the new guy.
funkjv
Neophyte
Member # 94062

Icon 1 posted      Profile for funkjv     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've just posted this on another forum, but a friend told me about this forum, and it seems like it'll draw some more insightful advice so I thought I'd shoot. I'm more than open to the fact that I could come across as incessantly insecure/obsessive or something.

Broke up with my ex-girlfriend about four months ago. Long story. We're still friends, so it's cool. We were together for nearly 2 years, and were basically each other's first love; she'd been in another relationship before me, but it wasn't one she had any fond memories of.

She's with someone new now, who she basically started going through a one-night stand, which was a bit of a surprise as no-one had her down as the confident self-assured one-night-stand type. Anyway, so she's just told me that she's having the best sex of her life now; I can tell she's not doing this to rub it in my face, since she was with someone else in the intervening 4 months, but apparently it was kind of meh.

This guy is more experienced than me. And apparently, it's so good that if she's reasonably drunk, she keeps her whole flat at university awake. Whereas with us, it was more like if she was drunk, she was liable to be loud, but could just about suppress it.

I can put it down to a lot of things; I can barely go for a 20 minute jog without feeling like I'm dying, so I guess it makes sense that I won't be divine in the sack. He sounds like he's a lot more physically fit. And since I was a virgin when we met, the beginning was her showing me the ropes, and I think that naturally had an effect on her seeing not seeing me as attractively dominant in bed, whereas he, to put it bluntly, knew what he was doing from the off, according to her, and she felt like she didn't have to instruct him, which she did at least at some point with me. Apparently my breath was really awful too, but she never told me, which makes me slightly resentful because it taints every memory of being with her I have, knowing that she was slightly squirming under bad breath or whatever.

I'm only 20 years old, but I'm worried about this leaving a massive chip on my shoulder. I know there are things I can do to change this (my hygiene is now borderlining obsessiveness, I should join a gym and get physically fitter) and that none of this is 'set in stone' somehow but I don't know. I guess I'm already feeling a little like I'm going to be alone romantically for a while, which, coupled with this sudden blow of sexual inadequacy, doesn't feel great. I guess I understand why she felt hesitant about telling me that sex wasn't great either; she hadn't known anything else, so I guess would just think to herself that she just personally found sex overrated, whereas now she tells people when she's drunk that she literally can't imagine not wanting to do it all the time. Also, she's on the pill with this new guy, whereas we used condoms, but not sure how much difference that makes. I sound like a pretty awful lover right now, but to my defense, I was always open to suggestions, and thought of myself as attentive and receptive, but hey, maybe I'm not.

Oh, by the way, it's not penis size - apparently we're both on the lower end of average.

But yeah. I know we're both young, and when I think of it in the cold hard non-rose-tinted light, I don't seriously expect that she'd have had the best sex of her life with me, I'm just worried that my regaining sexual confidence will always have an element of feeling bitter towards her.

So, any sage words of wisdom from guys who've been in the same situation or girls who are a little better at talking about what makes it quite *that* good. eh. I hope I feel better about it all soon enough; from what I gather of random compliments and attention, I was apparently unattractive till I was about 19 and then I lost some weight, my facial features stronger and I get the feeling I'm passably attractive - now just to make up for the tragic lack of personality and charisma.


I should probably make a few things clear.

She didn't just tell me all this out of the blue - the conversation gradually went in that direction; I asked, because we're adults and having conversations about sex isn't inherently an "unclassy" thing to do. If I couldn't handle the answer, I shouldn't have asked, but I did because I knew she'd be frank with me, and I appreciate that - otherwise, I could have just carried on thinking I was hot **** and get complacent into thinking I was a perfect lover with future relationships. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that being experienced in relationships and sex feed into each other, and you get better at both, and how to carry yourself in the best light, with time.

I don't have feelings for her, because I don't feel anything when she talks about how emotionally connected or how much fun she has with him - this is purely a sexual ego/confidence/attractiveness/coiled sexual power of a jungle cat-thing.

Posts: 5 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Welcome. [Smile]

You know, I think the first-things-first here is that it sounds like there probably should have been some boundaries here -- and should be put there ASAP -- around her disclosures to you about her sex life now. This was your first love and sexual relationship. The breakup was only a few months ago. Even though you also have a friendship, it seems to be that there's been some pretty big oversharing happening here that probably isn't sound, especially this soon. And it's obviously left you feeling really crappy, so that's further evidence that some better boundaries would have been a good call. I think they still would be.

And to me, this isn't about what's classy and about what's tacky. Instead it's about what each of you can handle, but also about what best supports you creating the new platonic relationship you have but with the history you have AND best supports each of you getting over the breakup in a healthy way.

I don't think you can really do this thing with the comparisons that you are. I'm sure there are differences between you and this guy, each of your relationships with her, her experiences of them, and who she is now as opposed to who she was when you two were together. But not only can I not see how you'd possibly sort all that out, I can't really see the point in doing that, even if you could.

If the core question here is do most people get better at sex and sexual relationships with practice, the answer is a very easy yes. What's true about nearly everything else in life when it comes to being genius right at the gate -- not -- is also true with sex and sexual relationships. How people experience those things also tends to change over time and with different people and contexts, and not so simply that was can usually just frame it as good-in-bed/lousy-in-bed, if you catch my drift. This is all a lot more nuanced than those kinds of oversimplifications.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67075 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
funkjv
Neophyte
Member # 94062

Icon 1 posted      Profile for funkjv     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you! that was perfect - I've been trying to succinctly put the last couple of paragraphs to myself into words, but I couldn't.

You're right about the boundaries. I don't talk to her often, most of the time it's a weekly phone call/Skype that lasts a couple of minutes. We chatted for longer this time because she'd been taken into hospital and I'd only just heard. My boundaries are less over my feelings but more over the fact that it seems like her life is "moving on" a lot quicker and excitingly than my comparatively glacial pace

You're also right that we've both changed hugely as people, and our circumstances and how we see ourselves and how comfortable each of us are in our own skin has all changed. It is a lot more nuanced than how I've been putting it - all I can take from this is that good hygiene and physical fitness is a plus, but I should stop obsessing over anything more.

Thank you so much for your advice!

Posts: 5 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You're so welcome.

Do you need any help in establishing these boundaries? Personally, I'm rotting for team-you-not-feeling-crappier (which, in this case, I think also happens to be team-more-healthy-transition-to-platonic-friendship), so I think taking steps to change some precedents there is important.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67075 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
funkjv
Neophyte
Member # 94062

Icon 1 posted      Profile for funkjv     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks, I think I'll be okay. I don't think she's as good with boundaries, as she has a lot on her plate and is at a strange place in her life, fulfilling sexual life aside.

Right now though, I think some time taking it easy would be good. I don't want to spend a lot of effort into being a good friend just yet, since I guess my sexual ego still feels a little close to her, and being good friends can only happen once that aspect of it fades away. We don't live close to each other or see each other daily or anything, so that'll be easier to do. But being good friends is something we both really want, so I'm sure it'll work out eventually.

Posts: 5 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sounds like a plan. [Smile]

But just in case, if when you do talk, she slides into talking about her sex life since that precedent was set, I assume you know it's okay to say something like, "Hey: in hindsight I've realized I need some more boundaries around this. I think for now, it's probably best some topics are off-limits between us, or really limited, so we can create a friendship in a way that's more sound, especially around sexual separation. So, for now, I'd prefer it if we kept our sex lives as something we talk about with other friends, and it's probably best if we stop talking about the one we had for now, too."

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67075 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
funkjv
Neophyte
Member # 94062

Icon 1 posted      Profile for funkjv     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks, that sounds like a good way to go about it. If I'm honest, it wasn't always her just letting things slip - she'd tangentially refer to sex and I'd get curious and ask her in more detail.

I've slept on it and I do feel better now, I think the crux of it is that I'm worried I'll never be to someone what he is to her, and that I guess I somehow thought she could help to have that not be the case. But I guess thinking that is ridiculously short-sighted and won't actually help anything.

Posts: 5 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, if it helps, per you feeling insecure around this guy, I'd also bear a few things in mind:

• New relationship energy is pretty darn exciting, and people having big-time exciting sex at the start of something new is very common. You really can't compare that small window to sex in a relationship over years, especially a relationship where both people were brand new to sex and a sexual relationship developed very gradually.

• Same goes for rebounds, if and when that is what's going on.

• Too, we tend to learn over time more and more of what we really want sexually, what turns us on, who does, etc. And all of that is seriously individual. So, just because you were not THAT guy for THIS girl doesn't mean you won't or can't be "that guy" to someone else. Know what I mean by that?

• You cannot know how honest she is or isn't being with you. Really, the way people talk to exes about new sex, especially without good boundaries or when they're young and figuring out how to communicate about all of this is new? It's not like it's exactly unusual for people to hype things up about a new partner to an old one. Sometimes it's knowingly spiteful, but sometimes it's just careless or someone not really being aware of what they're doing, etc.

• If her reports are honest at all, it sounds like this guy is pretty different from you not just in context, but also because he is NOT with his first partner and he feels more confident. And those two things? You can cultivate those two things, probably pretty easily, especially once you have some time to get over this relationship and your attachment to it and...well, stop hearing about -- and asking about -- the gory details of her sex life. [Razz]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67075 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
funkjv
Neophyte
Member # 94062

Icon 1 posted      Profile for funkjv     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you, that's really helped put things into perspective. You're right, this is all quite trivial. It helps that this was all framed by an assumption that I was perfectly fulfilled by our sex life, and once I give it a second's thought - I really wasn't. And that does more to reassure me than I thought it would.

And she isn't the most honest. In fact, she's mentioned more than once now trying to make this other guy who hits on her jealous by being overtly affectionate/talking sexually to her boyfriend, and her telling me about how loud she is reminds me of something I read about female chimpanzees; during mating, they apparently make a lot of noise if there are high-status males nearby they want to make envious/attract.

Anyway, tangential zoology aside, you've been incredibly helpful. Thanks a lot, Heather!

Posts: 5 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
And who doesn't love a little tangential zoology in the afternoon? [Big Grin]

Glad to have been of help.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67075 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3