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Author Topic: Every time I close my eyes..
sleepless94
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...I see him again; I relive the event that occurred yesterday morning... I don't want to talk about it to friends; it's not an easy subject... but I have to tell it to someone..
Yesterday, a guy I had been seeing for a month or so (not together until a week ago) came over to my house. My parents we're away. It was fine.. at first. We laid down to watch a movie but, it became clear he something else was on his mind. He kissed me, hard, and put his hands up my shirt. I didn't mind this but then.. he started taking off clothing. I was okay until he loosened his belt and pulled his "member" out... (Earlier he asked me if I wanted to take 'it' out, I said no.) He repeatedly tried to get me to go down on him and at one point he try'd to push my head down south. He took my pants off.. asked me if I wanted to f***, I didn't answer. He told me he had a condom and to give him his wallet. I said no. The fact that he had one with him bothered me and I grew alarmed. He reached to grab his wallet and I grabbed his hand, pulling it away from his wallet. He was annoyed and decided he would try to 'set me up in the mood'. He wanted to go down on me, I wouldn't let him but I did let him finger me. He had stripped off all of my clothes except for my underwear and he was relentlessly trying to coax me into taking them off. I kept stopping him. He... moved my underwear aside and suddenly put his member in its place... he sat up and put a condom on. I..I was flabbergasted. It was shocking in a bad way and all I could do was lay there. He climbed on top of me.. and then proceeded to take my virginity. I became enveloped in shock, I didn't say anything.. I just lay'd there.. trying to not cry... I never wanted to have sex with him. The word stop screamed in my head.. but my arousal/ shock left me speechless. My phone rang; I have never been more happy to see my fathers caller id then in that moment. The guy stopped. My dad was calling to see when I was working.. but I lied to the guy and told him my brother may be home soon. The guy got dressed, gave me a felt up goodbye and left. The second I heard the front door shut, the tears I had contained broke through in rapids... the only solace I found was in a knife and a bottle of pills. I called my close friend but through my cries she couldn't understand me. She drove to my house and found me locked in the upstairs bathroom. She picked the lock.. found me in the bathtub; knife in hand, pills taken... thigh bloody... I couldn't let her touch me..
I cant sleep. I just wanted to type yesterdays awful... I just needed to say it.

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Saffron Raymie
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sleepless, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

This guy raped you, and rape is a very serious crime. So, our first step here would be to get this person reported to the police. That way, you will be safe from him should he choose to harm you again. In reporting him, you will also be taken to the Emergency Room, which you need as soon as possible for the wound on your thigh and the pills you have taken.

Is calling the police something you feel able to do, right now?

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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Once we get that step sorted, we can talk about healing from this.

I must ask as well, are you having suicidal thoughts today?

[ 12-28-2011, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Robin Lee
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First and foremost, that guy raping you was not your fault. You're not wrong, or dirty, or broken. Your deep despair is so understandable.

You were very brave to call your friend to come help you. Were you able to tell her what had happened?

I'm concerned about the pills you took. Can you tell us what they were? I'd like to see you get some medical help. Your well-being is more important than ever now.

What can we do to help you right now and help you stay safe? There are resources we can help you find if you would like. Many places have resources for people who have been raped.

One thing I am going to give you is the number for a hotline you can call if youthink you're going to hurt yourself again. It's completely up to you whether you call this number. You can call your friend, or come talk to us, whatever you want. I'm just giving you choices here.

The number is: 1-800-273-8255.

People will be here throughout the day to talk with you whenever you need or want.

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Robin

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sleepless94
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Thanks for your replies everyone, I really appreciate them. The pills I took weren't in a harmful dosage and my thigh... is taken care of. I started hurting myself five years ago and know how to dress wounds.. Yesterday was the first time I hurt myself in almost half a year...
I'm not gonna report him to the police; he was forceful at times but, I should of been more stern with saying no. And, he is just a teenage guy fueled by too much testosterone. Also.. at times, I was aroused and well yeah.
He's been trying to get a hold of me..texting me and calling. This morning I woke up to a text from a girl friend asking if I was okay. Turns out the guy had asked her to try to get in touch with me. She said he was worried about me.. I don't know what to say. I don't want to talk to him and seeing him is definitely out of the question but, I feel that I should at least text him...
......I just got a text from another friend of the guys... This is the text "Y don't yall just talk to each other and grow up alil.. Bc yall should not be like this u need to talk it out hes worried abt you and wants to no your okay and if you care about him.."
I don't know what to do. It's obvious the guy doesn't realize what he did to me but.. he does care about me.. what should I do? I don't love him...

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skiesofgreen
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It's entirely your decision on whether or not to report and you do not have to if that's not something you feel comfortable doing. However the idea that he was just a teenage guy fueled by hormones is not sound. Hormones do not control anyone or force their actions. They certainly don't cause someone to rape. How forceful you were or weren't doesn't change what this was either. You made very clear you did not want what was going to happen. He KNEW you did not want what he did. Yet he chose to do it anyway and to deny you the right to consent. That is on HIM, not on you. Also? When it comes to arousal, that's not something we can control. Just because your body reacted to touch the way bodies often react to touch does not make this your fault.

I would advise you strongly to NOT contact him. I don't hear anything that sounds like he cares, I hear that he did something that shows he very much DOESN'T care, and him getting a hold of you is likely about justifying his actions to himself or manipulating you. You have no obligation to contact this person. You have no obligation to put yourself in harms way.

I'm sorry your friends are not respecting you about this and being so unsupportive. Is there anyone you could reach out to who could help you right now? What can we do for you in terms of support?

[ 12-28-2011, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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sleepless94
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The friend who came to my house after it happened is helping me. She stayed the night with me last night to make sure I was okay and not hurting myself. Just talking to people on here is helping me, I'm glad I found this site.
I can't keep ignoring him... this probly sounds stupid but, not at least explaining why i'm refusing to talk to him, in my character, is rude. I don't want to see him again but.. I think I can at least tell him why in a text.
I guess I understand the whole arousal thing, its my body's will and not my own will.

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skiesofgreen
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As far as being rude to him goes, I think it would be sound to say that he has be more than rude to you. Obligations if politeness are a little out the window at this point, if you know what I mean. If someone had committed a different crime against you, like say they stole your purse, would you feel the need to tell them why you no longer wanted to talk to them or would you assume they no longer deserved that sort of politeness when they so clearly showed non towards you?

What I'm most worried about with you texting him is that he will use it as a chance to engage you and escalate things. If you really strongly feel you need to say something to put your mind at ease, how about doing it from someone else's phone so he can't continue to reach you? Though again, my advice is quite strongly to not contact him at all.

And yes with the arousal that's essentially what I was getting at. If it helps to put in a different context how about this: I hate being tickled. In fact I despise it. But I happen to be ticklish and when someone tickles me I can't help reacting with laughter, even though all I really want to do is tell them to cut it out. But my laughter isn't about me wanting to be tickled, it's about them touching me in a way that elicited that response from my body. Can you see how a similar logic applies to you?

[ 12-28-2011, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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Saffron Raymie
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Sleepless, please know that testerone does not cause people to rape. Testosterone, or androgens including testosterone - which is high in all teenagers no matter what their gender is - are only a small part of libido. The biggest driving force in libido is the brain, for everyone - what you think and fantasize about, and how you feel about someone.

However, no matter how huge someone's individual whole libido may be; that does not cause them to rape, and cannot over-ride that person's self control.

I know this is difficult to hear, but you did not invite this. Being highly aroused does not cause somebody to rape you. You did not want him to do that to your body. You said no. It doesn't matter how firm or not firm that no was; you said it. It doesn't matter if you became aroused from abuse; that is one way for bodies to naturally react. He knew you didn't want him to do those things to your body. It's very clear from your post that you did not want to, and arousal or however brave or firm or loud your no was cannot change that one bit.

It might be a good idea here for us to focus on what he chose to do, not how you reacted. He was obviously aware that you did not want him to do that with his penis. He must be aware that if someone doesn't want a penis on their body, then he should not put a penis on or inside their body. That's rape. No matter how the other person felt during, they didn't want him to do that. He knew you didn't want him to that. Still he did it.

The most common situation for someone to rape somebody else is someone they are in a intimate relationship with. The most common reaction for people being raped is to freeze. That's because it shatters the fabric of reality for them. Many people find it impossible to even say no at all. That doesn't mean they weren't raped. The person doing the raping knew perfectly well that the other person doesn't want them doing that to, on or inside their body.

Libido doesn't control freewill, if he wanted sexual gratification, he has his own two hands for that. His body doesn't know the difference. It's likely he knew perfectly well this was abuse.

I think it's amazingly strong and sensible of you to decide not to see this person. Can we maybe make a plan of no more alone time with him at all?

This person is sexually abusive and does not sound safe to be around at all. I am so relieved you don't love this person, as that will make is so much easier to keep yourself safe from his actions.

[ 12-28-2011, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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I just caught you other message and, honestly, it's pretty likely he knows why you aren't contacting him.

I mean, when you said your brother was coming home, why did he run away?

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Robin Lee
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Sleepless, I echo what others have said. This guy intentionally pursued you, ignoring your physical and verbal "no"s.

I hear what you say about not wanting to be rude to him, but this guy hurt you. If he had done something else physical to you, like crack you over the head with a baseball bat, you wouldnot, I imagine, be concerned about hurting his feelings by not talking to him. I know it's hard to do right now, but you have the right to respect yourself.

If you would like, we can talk about ways to deal with the friends who think you're making a big deal out of things.

I am glad to hear you have a friend taking care of you and giving you support.You sound very aware of your self-harming behaviours. I am concerned for you and am glad you're talking with us, as well as seeking support from your friend.

Do you think this is something you'd like to talk with a therapist about, especially given that your self-harming behaviours have recurred after such a long break?

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Robin

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sleepless94
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Skiesofgreen: To your example of being ticklish, I understand and see how it's relates to my arousal.

Seashy Rae: He ran away because he didn't want to be caught at my house alone with me and because I told him to go.

Robin Lee: Last year I was made to see a psychiatrist. Not for my depression/ harming issues but for my anxiety problems. I hated it. The lady was nice and all but I didn't like the thought of her observing me and writing her thoughts on her clipboard. It bothered me and the idea of telling her my every sad/ anxious/ depressed etc. moments really annoyed me. I keep to myself and care for myself.

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Heather
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sleepless: how do you think you might feel with a counselor you were able to build a relationship with and liked (didn't just think was nice, but really connected with), who was offering you information and support about getting through and healing from assault a lot like we're starting to do here, and you're asking for here, but in person where you could have an ongoing relationship with someone face-to-face?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sleepless94
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I couldn't do it.. my parents would have to know.. I don't want them too.

By the way everyone, I made myself text him.. This is the conversation:

me "......hey."
him "...whats wrong...im sorry"
me "..I didn't want what happened yesterday to happen."
him ".......i know.......i feel really bad about it..."
me "I don't want to talk"
him "Well I am sorry and when u want 2 talk u have my number"
26 minutes later he sends "why?"

I haven't texted him anymore.

Also, I replied to the the friend the guy got to text me who said "I needed to grow up" I said "Don't tell me to grow up. Just because I don't want to talk to someone, doesn't surmount me as a child." He replied seven hours later with "Sorry i told u to grow up. But i just wanted u 2 atleast talk 2 him. He likes u alot! And was worried.."

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Heather
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They wouldn't have to know, so if that changes things for you, happy to help you see what's available for you nearby.

In the meantime, want to fill us in with how you think we can help you best? That might be giving you some things to read online or books that could help, continuing to talk you through this, helping you find hotlines and other services or forums to use with ours, etc.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sleepless94
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...maybe.
Books or okay but, I like talking with real people. It would be nice to find a forum about similar situations to what I've been through.

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WesLuck
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Well, there is an Abuse and Abusive Relationships sub-forum on Scarleteen.

Abuse & Abusive Relationships
Safe space for those in, breaking free of or healing from verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuses. (Some user posts contain triggers.)

I think what you went through classifies as abuse.

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Saffron Raymie
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That forum is here: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/forum/f/37.html and we're happy to keep talking with you as long as you'd like.

If you'd like to drop me you zip code, I'm happy to see if there are any rape crisis centers near to you that offer free and confidential conselling?

If you don't feel comfortable posting your zip code here, you can email it to me at raeATscarleteenDOTcom.

[ 12-29-2011, 04:13 AM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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WesLuck
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Sorry I didn't post the link. [Smile]
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Saffron Raymie
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If I've got your location wrong here just let me know.

There is a center which offer support groups for teens and adult women who have been sexually assaulted. Here is their website: United Families for Rape Survivors. They also have a 24 hour hotline for those who have been abused in this way. That hotline is: 704 375-9900. They can also get you some professional counseling if that's something you'd like.

I'm happy to keep looking if they don't suit you or they are too far away, However, the people who staff the hotline may be able to connect you to services close by.

[ 12-29-2011, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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I found somewhere else. It's a shelter for survivors of abuse and may be able to connect you to some in-person help, including support groups. Here's where they are: Shelter. The hotline for them is: 704-852-6000, which is also 24 hours. It looks like they know a lot about abusive behaviour in dating, too. Just let me know if distance and such is a problem or if you just don't like the look of them, and I'll keep looking.

[ 12-29-2011, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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There's also the support forum here at Scarleteen: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/forum/f/9.html. Many of us here at the site are sexual abuse survivors and will understand some of how you're feeling. I really hope you're feeling a little better today sleepless and are able to find some in-person help soon. Take care.

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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sleepless94
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I do feel better today Seashy Rae, thanks for asking and looking up places for me.

Update on conversation with the guy...

him "I know you dont want 2 talk but i feel rlly bad about what happened and I rlly do care about u and I hate not talking 2 you. I want to make this right"
me "...okay....ill text"
him "ok well i feel rlly bad and I rlly care about u and I want 2 make this right"
him "Whats wrong?"
me "Im just.. Upset"
me an hour later "...If you wanted to talk to me, why aren't you replying"
him four hours later "Cuz i fell asleep"
me " I figured"
him "Yea well I want to make this right"
him "Hey i'm trout fishin in the mnts so i wont be able 2 text all day"
him "Im srry"
him six hours later ".....hey"
me "...hi"
him "........whats up"
me "..watching tosh.o"
him "....I love that show.......I wish that........"
me "..you wish what"
him "....That I could fix this and things go back 2 normal....."
me "...........Yeah well I want my virginity back and to not feel like a whore"
him ".....Yr not a whore 4 having sec one time"
me "...ive only known you for maybe a month and a half..i barely know you..i shouldn't of let you come over......'
him "....yeah we both kinda messed up"

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skiesofgreen
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First of all you are not a whore. While I don't feel anyone's sexual choices should be used to judge them in a degrading way I think it's important to remember here that we're not talking about your sexual choices. We're talking about a sexual act that was forced upon you. That is to say rape. Not sex. Framing this conversation the way he is, about it having been a mutual decision, is not sound and is a way of relieving blame from himself, who is the only person here responsible for what happened.

It's very easy to get into a cycle of "I should haves." But this isn't about what you should have done but rather about what he shouldn't have done. For instance if you were hit by a car when crossing the street it might be easy to play a game of "well I shouldn't have crossed at that intersection" but it doesn't change the fact that the person who hit you, who wasn't paying attention to the rules of the road, it the one at fault.

Also I'm concerned about your ongoing contact with the person who abused you. Most of what I'm hearing on his part is a desire to right things for himself, and to return things to the way he wants them, I hear very little actual concern for how this has effected you and also little admission of what he did. Needless to say none of this is uncommon and people who are abusive (as this person has clearly shown to be) are not likely to stop that behaviour. To quote from one of scarleteen's articles (Safer Sex for the Heart):

"[Abusive relationships] often have only two ways to go: you get out of them as soon as the very first incidence of abuse occurs, OR you get trapped in them and the abuse will escalate, and leaving will become harder and harder to do. And in nearly ALL cases, it will, no matter what you'd like to happen, no matter how sorry anyone is, no matter if you're told it will never happen again. It is nearly guaranteed that abuse, once it happens even once, will not only continue, it will escalate, and an abusive relationship is both physically and emotionally highly unsafe. So, the only safe option is to get out immediately, as hard as that may be to hear or do. If you find yourself there and need help getting out, get help."

So my advice for you right now would be to stop contacting this person, and to work on finding ways to keep yourself safe and help yourself heal. Something all of us here would be happy to help you with.

[ 12-29-2011, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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sleepless94 I am so sorry that this happened to you and I am so glad that you have the strength to come on here to talk about this. I echo everything everyone else has said before me. This guy raped you. He deserves absolutely no courtesy, no contact no anything. You owe him nothing.

As skiesofgreen said, get out and get out now. Stop texting him and don't see him. Coming on here to talk to us takes amazing courage, strength and it shows that you are committed to taking care of yourself. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, this guy did this to you out of absolute disregard for you.

I know when anything major happens to me it can be really hard to accept that it is real, that whatever the thing is is really happening to me. For example I had scoliosis (a deformity of the spine). But almost right up until the surgery that I had to correct it there was a part of me that didn't believe that I had scoliosis. That part of me didn't believe it, despite the x-rays the doctors telling me that I had it and the back pain, because I had never imagined that scoliosis would be something I would have. It was something my aunt had had, something the girl in that book had and something I had heard about on tv, but not something I would ever have, it simply wasn't a hypothetical scenario I had entertained involving me. Of course I am well aware that rape and scoliosis are by no means comparable. The point of that rambling (and sorry about rambling by the way) is that when something happens all of a sudden, when there is a drastic change in one's reality, when something changes things it can be darn near impossible to believe that it is really happening/ happened. So I can see why it might be easy for you to feel, r for part of you to feel, like it wasn't really rape. Like it was something else, something kind of like it but not. But it absolutely was rape and don't let yourself doubt it. Being raped doesn't mean you were weak, it doesn't mean anything bad about you. It means that a despicable person (that guy) took advantage of you knowing that you didn't want him to do what he did and did it anyway.

And letting him into your house doesn't make you responsible. When he says "I guess we both kind of messed up" he is wrong. He messed up and not kind of, but big time.

None of this is your fault. Unfortunately though this guy has thrust things upon you that you shouldn't have to deal with. The biggest thing is getting out of the relationship. I know that it is likely immensely hard to do that right now, but it is simply something you need to do for yourself. And if you want help figuring out how to do that we here at scarleteen can help you.

PS, if I'm being too blunt about this I'm sorry. If I come across as rude or ordering you around it is not my intention. I just don't want you to stay in this situation one second longer than you have to and I want you to be able to begin healing as soon as possible.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Saffron Raymie
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Sleepless, I agree with a lot of what skiesofgreen and moonlight have said here. He is wrong. You didn't 'mess up'. It was not your fault for letting him come over and watch a film with you; it was his fault for raping you. All his fault. Generally, we usually take it as a given that people have over a guests won't rape us.

He's also wrong that you've had sex. Rape is not sex. Sex is something people do together, both active; it's an emotional, chemical, brain-based thing; rather than a body based thing. Whereas rape is something one person does to another's body. People that value the cultural idea of virginity believe it is about sex, not rape. Rape doesn't affect virginity or whichever sexual choices a person might make based upon what they feel are the best choices for their unique sexual selves. (Therefore, nobody is a 'whore'). Sex is about individual choices and free expression of sexuality. On the other hand, rape is just one person physically, mentally and emotionally harming another.

Here's some links for you to read that might help:

Dealing with Rape.

What is Rape?

What's Sex?

[ 12-31-2011, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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Really hope you're feeling a tiny bit better, sleepless, and are safe.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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moonlight bouncing off water
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quote:
Originally posted by Seashy Rae:
Really hope you're feeling a tiny bit better, sleepless, and are safe.

Ditto on that.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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WesLuck
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My best wishes.
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