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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Really concerned about my virginity and first kiss

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Author Topic: Really concerned about my virginity and first kiss
romii21
Neophyte
Member # 93191

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Hi!
I'm 17 years old and im virgin, including lip virgin
and i know its not really a big problem but for me it is or at least the lip thing, the other virginity can wait.
Let me start by saying that i dont know any person of my age lip virgin, and i feel soooo ashamed about this because all my friends have kissed someone before. I don't know whats wrong with me but it seems like boys dont pay me attention at all.
Three years ago i considered myself not as an ugly person but neither a beautiful person...now i think im the uggliest person in the whole world!
I know something is wrong with me just because i see (in mu humble opinion) that even more ugly people than me have kissed someone before.
I'm what english ppl would call chuby, but where i live even really fat girls has a boyfriend.
And i'm soooo ashamed about this that not even my best friend or my mom or even my sister know about my problem.
I've read a lot about this and i know that i dont have to worry about nothing, and when the moment comes it will come but can you imagine if i dont find someone until i have 20 or 25? and if i find someone should i tell him that i dont know how to kiss? if i dont is he going to note it? if i tell him how is he going to react? is he going to get mad, angry, laugh about it, kiss me anyway, say that it doesnt matter?
What about french kiss? how should i move my tonge? how deep goes the tonge?

Once again im really ashamed, I hope someone with the same age than me is having the same issue, or went thru this.

Posts: 1 | From: Uruguay | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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hey romii,

So sorry to hear you're having a tough time of this!

First off, I don't think there's any problem with not having kissed someone at 25 or 125, everyone is different... I sure can imagine it, and it's not a bad thing on it's own! What is a bigger concern for me is just that it makes you feel sad, and that you're making negative judgements about your body and that it makes you think there's something wrong with you.

I was about your age the first time I had kissed anyone too... and at the time I felt undesirable. But looking back there just wasn't many people I clicked with in the right way for it to happen... it wasn't me. And it was a big relief when I realised that. It isn't your fault either. It's nothing to be ashamed of... it's also not necessarily other people's business, so you don't have to tell people, if they can't accept it...

What you might realise is that being attractive or not isn't a real set in stone thing... like people you don't find attractive seem to end up in relationships, so another way of looking at is there's no reason to think that how you look is really the thing that makes a difference.

When it comes to kissing, like the rest of sex, everyone does it differently and likes it differently. And someone who appreciates you and who it's worth kissing should be cool about something being your first kiss... It's definitely not ok for someone to be angry at you for not having kissed someone before!

Something else here romii, is that it seems you're viewing "guys" as a whole group of people who all like you or all don't. Perhaps a cool way to focus your energy, is actually spending time with people you appreciate individually. One thing lots of people do learn from their first time doing something like kissing is that really, the experience is that whether or not you're doing it stops being as important as enjoying it which often means doing it with somebody who fits for you.

Just because you'd really like it to happen doesn't mean you should be thankful to any person who would like to kiss you, you're entitled to your desires here, and to be able to focus on WHO you like. I think that is the best way to enjoy kissing anyway, but also it will feel good for the other person that you want them.

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lilerse
Activist
Member # 46007

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Just wanted to chime in to say I hadn't really kissed anyone on the lips when I was 17 either - not outside of games like Truth or Dare; not someone I truly wanted to kiss. And I felt the same way too, but it wasn't true. Four years later and I've kissed plenty! And I feel confident and attractive and all of those good things (and how you feel is really all that matters with this!). Not to say that you will or should spend your next four years kissing lots of people, but just know that things *always* have a chance of changing, and your life at 17 is not going to remain your life at 18. Experiences are always waiting to happen. And whether this experience happens soon or not, it has nothing to do with your attractiveness or value. I know a lot of people (myself included) who tie their self esteem with who wants to kiss them, or date them, or any of those things - but relying on those things to make you feel worthy is both false and ineffective. So don't worry about it!

As for how others will react- again, don't worry about what others think. Some will judge, some won't. Some will even be excited to be your first kiss. You don't know how they're going to react, but yo pienso que sinceridad is always the best policy, and if they have a problem, don't kiss 'em.

As for French kissing, it depends on what you like and what your kissing partner likes. I personally have never enjoyed much French kissing, but others love it! So you'll just have to find out what you like [Smile]

Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sulma
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Member # 94272

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First, it's okay that you're still a virgin. People grow at different rates and experience life and certain milestones at their own pace. Some have their first kiss ealier than others. I didn't have mine until I was 17 and I didn't have sex until I was almost 21. That is entirely your choice to be a virgin and it's entirely your choice to not be a virgin. That's fully up to you. Don't let peer pressure define what you do or how you live your life. When you stick to your guns and live your life, you will end up happier and more fulfilled.

Secondly, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Don't let ANYBODY convince you that you're not. You are worth the world. You might not call yourself conventionally attractive, but you are beautiful because you have dreams, aspirations, passions, values, interests and hobbies that make you who you are: a beautiful and unique person.

It also sounds like you don't have that great of self-esteem. Listen, I used to put my worth as a person in whether or not someone found me attractive. In the end, it made me feel worse. I was alone and didn't have a boyfriend like many girls in my school did. But eventually, I decided to live my life the way I wanted to live it, with or without a guy in tow. I became happier, my self-esteem increased and I began to enjoy life more. Your concerns are legitimate, but you can't put your worth into someone else. Your worth and self-esteem has to come within YOU. Is there a trained psychologist or counselor that you can speak with about your self-esteem issues? That would be a great step in improving your self-esteem.

When that moment comes in your life that you feel fuzzy about someone, it will be awkward, but you will feel like you're on top of the world. But if that person is worth it, they won't mind it one bit and may be willing to teach you the ropes. As for french kissing, it depends on what you and your partner likes. It's not really something you can teach, but it's something you have to do trial and error with. Find out what feels good and what doesn't and what pace is comfortable for you and your partner through communication. But I will give you a hint about french kissing: as a general rule, less tongue is more. [Wink]

(Also, if your partner gets angry or frustrated or embarrassed that you haven't done something, then maybe that person isn't right for you.)

You will be fine in the end, romii. I know it's rough to feel that way now, but you are worth the world and you will find happiness. You just have to find it within yourself. So go have fun and live life how you want to live it. Good luck!

Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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