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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Just need some advice

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Author Topic: Just need some advice
Controversy
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Member # 50053

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So i'm coming to a point where i'm realizing its very hard for me to become "open" about sexual activities. For example... with my ex-boyfriend I loved him so very much, and still do. But when him and I would get intimate, I just couldn't get into it! I know my past experiances are the reason for this but I don't know how to fix it [Frown] please I need some help, how do I open up more and do what I want? I want to be more intimate and sexual with the guy I love, but I just can't.

It's hard for me to "make pleasurable sounds". I know this sounds silly, but its like I don't feel comfortable enough to do this. Although I do feel comfortable enough. It's so hard for me to put in words what I feel. I still get extremely nervous when me and a guy engage in sexual activities, even if its just on text! If he says "oh I want to do so many things to you" or just something funny like that. I get a nervous disgusted feeling in my chest and stomach, yet im sexually aroused and excited by it.

When I do sexual things with a guy, I don't make any reactions. I enjoy whats going on, but I verbally and physically can't show it.

I'm so confused... please help me. [Frown]

Posts: 132 | From: United States | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Is this this same person: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011181/p/1.html#000000

If so, we can talk about that. Mind, not being able to be very open with someone sexually in an unhealthy relationship isn't surprising. It's not easy to be open when we have reasons to be afraid for our safety.

If not, it actually seems pretty fast to go from that unhealthy relationship to another (what sounds like) serious relationship so fast, and I'd expect that you're probably still having a lot of things to heal from from your last relationship, including some which either are sexual or are manifesting in sex. I'd also say that in just a month or two of dating someone, not being sexually comfortable yet, period, is hardly unusual.

Mind, on the sound bit, not everyone makes certain sounds or a certain amount of sound sexually. I don't think this is about if you're making sounds or not, but if you feel like you would be more vocal, but feel held back from that, like you're holding that in.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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While we're at it, maybe you can also fill me in on how you feel about your sexuality all by yourself? For instance, does masturbation feel comfortable to you, and like a place where you can be sexual very freely?

When you think about yourself as a sexual person, is that something you feel comfortable in?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Controversy
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Yes, that is me [Frown] and i'm just saying this because this boy that I know is asking me out.. and its even really hard for me to open up to him. I'm afraid that i'll be closed off from him like I was with my ex-boyfriend. Because even when he says "your so cute" or something as simple as that, I get nervous.

I know this sounds funny but I think I would be more vocal, but i'm just not opening up to doing it.

When I think about myself sexually... i'm not entirely happy with myself honestly. After my last relationship I don't really think I look to good..or sexy. I'm okay when it comes to masturbation.. although I don't have much privacy or a place to be sexual freely like you said. If I ever decided to masturbate I'd have to plan it, and its just too much to worry about. My family isn't very open about sexual things, I think I mentioned this in one of my old posts here. For instance if they ever new i touched myself once it would be the end of the world..

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Captain Girl
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If he makes you nervous, maybe he's not a good guy for you to go out with? Or maybe just not right now?

Dating is not mandatory. If it doesn't sound fun, maybe it's the time to curl up at home with a good book, or rewatch all of your favorite movies, or just hang out with your friends.

And the vocal thing? Some people are, some people aren't. There's not one right way that you have to exhibit your appreciation.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Agreed with CaptainGirl's suggestions.

Can you also do yourself a favor and recognize that it isn't sound to apply how we behaved in abuse to how we might in a healthy relationship? We have a term for "closing off" with an abuser: self-protection. Assuming that if and when it's the right time for you to date again and it feels right, you'll be doing that with someone who isn't abusing you, you probably don't have to worry about not being open in ways that make sense with the pace at which you're gradually building trust with someone.

But it sounds like this all might be too soon for you. Why not instead take some more time to heal from that last relationship, get some help in doing that, not worry about getting sexual with a date so fast, and also take some time to get more at home in your own sexuality all by yourself?

(Btw, I assumed when you asked about this with someone you loved, you meant you were already in a serious love relationship. Again, think this might be a cue about moving too fast, even in your own head. Putting energy into worrying about situations we aren't even in yet isn't a sound use of our energy in our book. If and when you are in a serious love relationships with someone, then let's talk about that, rather than when someone is barely asking you out or when you're not involved with someone in that way, okay?)

[ 08-18-2011, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ScatteredPetals
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Honestly I'm not sure if everyone is comfortable with that stuff you just have to go at your own pace. For example I haven't had my first kiss because I'm just waiting for the right person and since I've waited, when the time comes to become intimate as well, I know it'll be perfect because I know why I've waited and I know what exactly I want.

One of the things that might have been lacking in your experience is mood, timing, and atmosphere. Any of these things could affect what you want to do. You should think about all the things you want in a relationship including closeness because going out with someone is having a friend who will know more about you than anyone else. And remember to be honest. If you're not ready then you're not and you have to make sure you are with someone who can understand that. You well-being must come first in these cases. I hope you found this helpful!

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-ScatteredPetals

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Controversy
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Hi.. I know its been a while since I posted here but I thought it would be a good idea for a quick update.

I took all of your advice, from each of you. I kind of took a step back from my computer for a long while, from facebook/texting. Pretty much anything that associated me with my Ex-Boyfriend.

I started doing activities outside my home, things that I enjoyed doing and things that didn't remind me of him. I admit it was and still is so very hard to move on from him, practically everything reminds me of him, even items in my bedroom. I've cried plenty of times and even brokedown in front of my sister and her boyfriend and they helped me. But I guess thats all part of the process.

He would text me every now and then, and so far i've broken off completely with the texts, I haven't spoken to him in about 3 weeks. Although not seeing him is very hard, since im friends with his friends. I actually saw him and his new girlfriend at a get together. He acted very rude, and did some things that made me realize how much of a bad person he really is. So seeing him that time, opened my eyes up a bit more... but it hurt a lot too.

I also took your advice with the fact that im probably not ready for another relationship. I closed that possibility off until I know im ready. I had a couple guys tell me they liked me, but I told them I can't and they understood and gave me my space. I've also been trying to be more happy with my own self image.. so thats a start as well! [Smile]

So I just wanted to thank you all once again for helping me, I still have a long way but im getting there.

[ 10-27-2011, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: Controversy ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're so very welcome. I'm so glad to hear that you're working your way through this, and while it's obviously been challenging, it sounds like you've been doing an amazing job.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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