So I've been having a bit of trouble. My boyfriend and I are at school for the summer and we've really been enjoying our time with each other. It's been a nice break for us to not worry about schoolwork and such.
But lately I think our sex life is starting suffer, and for a number of reasons, all of which are mostly my fault, or at least I feel so. I haven't felt legitimately turned on in a few weeks and I can't figure out exactly why. Nothing he or I do seems to be working. Everything he's done with me in the past is always wonderful, and I always enjoy sex with him, even if I don't orgasm. I still feel very much attracted to him, and I love him dearly. But I just can't get in the mood.
I end up worrying about making him happy and pleasing him, but then I also worry about him worrying about me (because he always tries to make sure I come first in whatever we do, including sex... no pun intended). My mind will start racing, I worry that I'm not being aroused enough or getting wet enough (most-likely because of the birth control I'm on), and I worry that it'll hurt. And it has been recently, and I feel bad about that too. My bf feels bad because of hurting me, which leads to me feeling bad for not being aroused in the first place. I feel like I might offend him if he knows I'm not getting turned on.
I was at my target weight and body shape when the summer began, and I was really confident in myself and the way I looked. But now I've put on a few pounds and I just don't even like looking at myself in the mirror, let alone being naked in front of someone.
And to make matters worse, I currently have a yeast infection (again, from the birth control most-likely) that just completely kills all sense of pleasure.
Whew. I know this is a lot. But I am just so frustrated: my body image, wanting to make my bf happy, and wanting to experience pleasure again myself. I've already had an emotional breakdown in front of him (which he handled really well), and I don't want to make him put up with another silly emotional outbreak like that again. He suggested that we take a break from sex for a little while, which is probably a good idea anyway because any physical contact just makes me itch like crazy. But at the same time, I felt kinda bad (for him mostly) and to be honest, a little unwanted, in a sexual way at least. I know he's just thinking about what's best for me and for us, and we both consider sex to be a crucial part of our relationship, but certainly not the driving force behind it. But I couldn't help but still feel like that.
I just need to talk with someone, I don't really know what to do. I want to enjoy sex, not be excessively frustrated with it.
Posts: 55 | From: USA | Registered: Jan 2011
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Someone who volunteers here will undoubtedly come by soon with a general piece of advice that frames everything perfectly and helps you a ton. They're awesome like that. In the meantime, I'm going to take a stab at specifics.
You know what screws with sex? Yeast infections.
They make things dry and painful. They itch. They suck. Stop having sex until you've treated that sucker and it's *gone*, until you've had a full 24 hours without itching. And since you say "again" on the yeast, may I point out that, while boys don't get yeast infections, they can carry them, which means that your darling boy may have given that dratted beastie back to you. He should talk to his doctor about getting rid of it as well.
My experience is that, after a run of ouchy sex, it is really hard to relax and get turned on. Your body just doesn't buy that this time is going to be different. Take your time on that. Maybe back off and stick to other activities for a while. When you feel ready, use lube and go slow and gentle.
By any definition, summer began a few weeks ago at most, so I'd be surprised if you'd really gained all that much weight. I wouldn't be surprised if feeling unsexy made you feel insecure and unattractive. But it *is* summer, which is a great time for being outside and active, for enjoying your physical capacities and abilities. Doing something fun, that you're good at (swimming, biking, running, rollerblading, yoga, a pickup game of anything) might help you feel better about your body, and the endorphins might help get your sex drive going a bit.
Sex is really important in my primary relationship and my experience is that, when I push myself to have sex even though I don't really feel like it, I feel icky about it, and we both pay for it later when I have to work to shake the association of sex and ick. So my opinion is that you should go easy on yourself, admit that you just aren't in that place at this moment, and enjoy each other's company in other ways. When you do get back in that groove, your boyfriend will be delighted to see you there, and you'll probably get there faster if you take the pressure off.
Posts: 129 | From: Boston | Registered: Mar 2011
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