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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Scared that I'll ruin the moment

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Author Topic: Scared that I'll ruin the moment
Member # 69757

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My boyfriend and I are in love completely and I know he thinks every part of me is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful too which is a big improvement since i used to be totally self concious and insecure.
[Confused] One of my greatest fears is going back to being self concious and insecure. So of course when I start being self concious about my thighs and butt(which occasionaly happens every now and then when I think about being naked)I get worried I'm changing back. My boyfriend and I have talked about my insecuritites and are planning on having sex real soon. Normally I can talk myself out of having those thoughts but I'm scared that I'll slip up and let my insecurities get the best of me. I that there's even a possibility of me backing out, which I really don't want to do.

Are there any ways to lower/prevent the possibility of backing out or to control my isecurities better/

I don't know if that makes sense or not I'm not sure if that's the right wording. [Confused]

Posts: 1 | From: The Heart of Texas | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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How about taking more time before you put yourself in such a vulnerable place with him to develop more self-confidence and positive body-image?

In other words, if this still is feeling this scary and precarious for you, it may be that it's too soon for you to really feel comfortable being naked with your boyfriend. One of the things sex with a partner tends to do is present a situation in which everyone feels more vulnerable, not less, so if being that vulnerable feels super-scary or like more than we want to or can handle at a given time, partnered sex often isn't the best idea ever.

You can take more time to get there (how long have you two been together?), build some more trust so you can at least let him know you have these feelings and even build more comfort so that at any time -- whether is the 1st or 301st -- you find that any kind of sex makes you feel overexposed, you feel just fine nixing it and knowing that's always totally okay to do and should not be a huge deal.

You can also take time to talk about what you think you'd need from him if those insecurities cropped up so if and when they do ever happen, you can feel okay about them, and maybe even find that to be a positive moment instead of a negative one.

Loving someone and being loved, all by itself, isn't all people need to really be ready for all that sex can require and involve. So, just because we feel a great emotional closeness and desire to be sexual doesn't always mean it's the right thing for us or a partner at a given time.

[ 06-27-2011, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Captain Girl
Member # 60279

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You know, it's totally fine to back out of having sex. You can decide you're not ready yet. You can decide you're not in the mood on a given occasion.

The way you talk about insecurity and lack of insecurity worries me. I think that the way you feel about insecurity (that you're going to "change back" into something bad) could be a really scary way to feel.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, and my experience is that the difference between well and ill is what happens when I feel sad or worried. When I'm well, I can look in the mirror, hate my butt, and decide to wear board shorts to the beach. When I'm ill, I'm more likely to cancel my plans in favor of staying home and crying. The first of these is much better than the second, but in neither case am I required to head out of the house wearing something that makes me want to keep my towel wrapped around me at all times.

Everyone feels insecure from time to time, and in this culture, it would take superhuman powers of obliviousness for anyone female not to ever feel that her body has some flaws. Insecurity isn't your entire personality, it's just part of the human experience. It's okay to have that feeling, and to respect it.

The other thing I worry is that someone might be telling you that you have to plunge ahead with something that worries you, or (s)he'll think that you're weak or cowardly. It's important to give yourself time and space to examine big decisions, to be sure that you're doing the right thing for you. Other people's opinions are not the most important thing here.

Posts: 129 | From: Boston | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I'd just like to reiterate that if you're not feeling comfortable in any particular sexual encounter or with a particular kind of sexual behavior, it's perfectly okay to call it off and "back out". In fact, I would say that if you're not feeling comfortable in a particular sexual situation (or with the idea of engaging in a particular kind of sexual activity), backing out is a much better decision than engaging in it anyway. If you feel like you want to try it again at some point, you can, and if not, that's fine too. You don't owe anyone sex in any form, and even if make a plan for some kind of sexual activity, you're allowed to change your mind.

You say you've talked about this with your boyfriend, so I'm assuming he knows that it might be the case that you might change you mind leading up to or even after starting or trying a particular sexual activity. If this is the case, and he's expressed that he understands and is not going to question/pressure you if you decide that something just isn't working for you, then I would suggest that you go ahead and try the kinds of sex you're interested in trying with your boyfriend, and remind yourself that it's okay if it doesn't go exactly how you want or imagined, and it's okay to back out at any point. Knowing that it's going to be fine to say "stop" (and that your - or his - "stop" will be respected) can help minimize some of the worry, which might itself help you to feel more empowered and less insecure.

I hear you when you're saying that you want to not want to back out, and I know what it's like to want to feel a certain way about something that we don't necessarily feel. Unfortunately, most of us can't consciously control how we're going to feel at any particular time or in any particular situation, so the best policy, in my experience, is to remind myself of that fact and to seek out situations in which I know I'm going to be supported, whether I'm feeling good or bad.

Robble Robble Robble!

Posts: 46 | From: Milwaukee, WI USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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