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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » idk what to do. please...help (Page 1)

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Author Topic: idk what to do. please...help
Kayy
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first of all sorry for the double post i put this in the wrong category before and realized its not under the emergency category so i am putting it here..

I dont even know where to start....

so if anyone has read my previous posts im going to be completely contradicting myself and i cant help it.

so i said before i don't like pornography and i am completely against it ect... but i am embarresed to say i watch it. i used to watch it like a couple years ago but stopped because i got in a relationship. My own opinion on pornography in a relationship its kind of like cheating because your fantasizing about someone other than your partner. this is my personal opinion i know other people think differently.

I want to stop watching porn so bad but i cant help it. when i am on the computer looking up something i just somehow get there. I hate it because i love my boyfriend so much. we are in a sexual relationship and it is great! but when he isn't around and i get horny i cant help it. I know if i told him it would break his heart because we both agreed not to watch it because we love eachother. i know some couples watch porn together. my boyfriend used to watch it too. the thing is i would never be okay with that because im too much of a jealous person and it would just piss me off...

I stopped watching porn once before and i dont even know how i got started again but i really want to stop and don't know how. I cant tell my boyfriend because he is everything to me and i don't want to lose him. I have recently tried to get involved more spiritually and i feel like this is completely horrible and sinning. I dont want to hear that watching porn is normal or whatever... I just want to know how to stop and how to make my guilty conscience go away because i feel like i am cheating on him....

Thats only half the problem......

So i am straight and i want all gay/bisexual/lesbians all other sexual orientations to know i have nothing against you at all. But when i watch porn i seem to get off more when i see things happening to girls. I mean yea guys are hot as hell. but it turns me on to see girls...you know i don't wanna say details. does that mean i am bisexual? i don't want to be and i am scared. I know some of my family that is strict christians would like shunn me. and i know my boyfriend wouldnt like it either cause he isn't into that girl on girl stuff like some guys are. But idk i catch myself looking at girls butts or boobs or whatever sometimes when i am in public. But i could never imagine myself with a girl. I love men.

I am just so confused and i dont know what to do. I have had this in my head for a really long time and don't know what to do about it. I don't want to be bisexual (again nothing against them) but idk what all this means. please help!

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
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September
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KayChick, you have already posted an identical question in another area of the boards here: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/28/t/006697/p/1.html#000000

Double posting is against the guidelines you agreed to when you signed up, so please let us know which one of the threads you would like us to close so we can focus on helping you in one place.

I'm sorry that you've had to wait, but this service is run by volunteers and we're not always around 24/7. Please have a little bit of patience with us, okay?

[ 06-20-2011, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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Kayy
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the other one. I was looking in that category and saw what was considered emergency and felt i put it in the wrong place i am sorry..

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
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September
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That's alright! It just gets confusing for us when topics get double-posted. I'll close the other one for you, and then I'll see what I can do to help you!

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Johanna
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Kayy
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Thank you. [Smile]

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
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September
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To start with, I don't want you to feel bad about contradicting yourself, or about not knowing exactly how you feel around this issue. It's a complex one, and many people have complex feelings around it. So this is nothing to get down on yourself about, okay?

You're absolutely right when you say that everyone gets to have their own opinion on pornography. I also want to make sure you know that I am not trying to convince you on this one way or another. But I do think you can agree with me that the way you're approaching pornography right now isn't working for you. So, to change how you feel about this, you may have to change some of your thinking around this.

The first thing I would suggest is that you talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Taking your other posts into account, it sounds like this is definitely a big topic in your relationship, and so it seems smart to be completely honest when you talk about it together. That doesn't have to mean that you do away with your agreement to not watch pornography, but it does seem a little unfair to get down on him for watching movies with sex scenes, and secretly watch pornography. So, the first step would be to create a more honest basis for this conversation in your relationship. Recognizing that this is something you are both struggling with may make it easier for you both to bring your actions in alignment with what you want and need around this, and eliminate some pressure.

The next thing that I think is really important is recognizing some of the idealization that you are doing around exclusive relationships. When we enter a monogamous relationship, we chose to be sexually involved only with the person we are dating. But that does not mean that we are also only attracted to the person we are dating. That's part of what makes monogamy so meaningful: because we chose to focus only on that one person, regardless of other temptations and attractions. Finding someone else attractive, even fantasizing about someone else, doesn't mean that you are going beyond the boundaries of an existing relationship. And demanding of yourself and of your partner to only ever be attracted to one person may be a demand that's too hard to meet.

Again, I'm not trying to convince you that watching pornography is something you should be okay with. Plenty of people aren't, and that's okay. But you may be putting some unnecessary pressure on yourself here.

Now to the second part of your post. Fantasies are something that happens in our heads, and plenty of fantasies are meant to stay in our heads, and not be translated into reality. Just because something works for us in our fantasies doesn't mean that would work for us in real life. So, just being turned on by girls in pornography doesn't necessarily say anything about your sexual orientation. If you can't imagine yourself being with a girl, then you're probably heterosexual.


The most important thing for you here, overall, is not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are really freaking out about this, and you probably don't need to be. This is difficult stuff to think about, but we can work through it. So try and relax, okay?

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Johanna
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Kayy
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"Recognizing that this is something you are both struggling with may make it easier for you both to bring your actions in alignment with what you want and need around this, and eliminate some pressure"

The thing is, is that idk if he does watch it. and i am scared to talk to him about him with him doing what we agreed and not watch pornography and i am the only one breaking the "rule"

We are both very jealous type of people and we have talked about stuff like that before not pornography but sex scenes in movies and stuff like that. he has said "yea i would be attracted to that person if i was single but im not. i have you ect..." I think i am just so insecure with myself that women who i think are "sexy" or better looking or look perfect. im just scared he would leave me for someone who is much better looking even though he said he would never do that.

I wouldn't even know how to start the conversation because he gets so upset over little things and im scared i would lose him or something if we talked about something like this. I love him so much and i just want to stop watching it.

what exactly is heterosexual?

and ive always been really hard on myself and i cant help it. i just feel like bursting out in tears because i feel so horrible for doing this to my boyfriend. i already don't feel like i am good enough for him because he is so amazing and now i just feel like i don't deserve to be with him because of what i am doing.

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September
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I wasn't assuming that he watches pornography. But since it seems like your problems surrounding suggestive movie scenes is pretty closely related to your feelings on pornography, it seems to me like this is all part of the same conversation.

As far as breaking the rules goes, here's the thing: when we enter a relationship and talk about our boundaries, that should ideally always happen with the understanding that that's an on-going conversation that can be revisited at any time. Because sometimes we change how we feel around a boundary, or we find new ones, or we discover that things that bothered us don't anymore, etc. People are always changing and growing. And sometimes, it can happen that we find it really hard to respect a boundary and struggle with it, and then that's also something that needs to be on the table and up for discussion. This might help you feel less guilty and pressured about what you're doing, so you can approach it with a little less urgency.

Now, I'm pretty concerned when you say that you are scared to bring this up with him. How do you think he would react? What are you scared of?

It seems like the root of this anxiety is your feelings of insecurity. Have I got that right?

It might help to remember, in that case, that a) no one is or looks perfect and that b) porn stars don't look like porn stars. What's held up in the media as the gold standard of beauty is fairly arbitrary, it changes quickly, and it's not necessarily reflective of individual tastes that people have. The sort of beauty that's portrayed in the media (including pornography) is also often helped along by lots of make-up and air-brushing, sometimes even by plastic surgery. Most porn stars and actors look completely different when they go home after the job.

So, feeling insecure compared to that? Is understandable, but ultimately pretty futile.

Would you say that you're generally a fairly insecure person, or do you feel this mostly when it comes to relationships (or even only this particular one)?

And lastly, a heterosexual is someone who is attracted only or primarily to the opposite sex/gender. So, if you're a woman and you say you're mostly attracted to men, that means that you're probably heterosexual.

[ 06-20-2011, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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Kayy
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Im not scared he is going to hurt me physically or anything he would never do that. I am scared of losing him. When i fall for guys i fall hard and he is everything to me and i honestly dont know how i would survive without him. so i am just scared he wouldn't even want tot talk about it and just leave me..

and yes. i have always been very insecure. i am generally an insecure person. but when i am around my boyfriend i feel very confident because he makes me feel beautiful and everything but its when we are not together (which is more often then not because im 17) is when i have my down falls. When im alone and i start to think about it, it scares me about what he could be doing behind my back. i honestly don't think he watches pornography but there is always that part of me that is scared he does.

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Kayy
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let me restate the end of that first paragraph. i don't think he would just leave me right off the bat but alot of the times when he gets pissed he doesn't want to talk about it at all and he just like shuts himself out for a little while. i honestly don't know how he would react but i know he would be pissed and upset

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
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September
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You know, it's usually not very healthy to focus all of our energies on one person and make ourselves so dependent on them for validation and happiness.

How are you doing for support systems outside of this relationship? Do you have any friends or relatives that you spend time with and who support you? How about hobbies?

Getting involved in your community, taking up a hobby, learning something new - all of that could help you feel better about yourself. And once you have some sources of validation beyond this romantic relationship, you might also start to feel a bit more secure about being with your partner, as well.

I also think that you could benefit from some counseling to help you raise your self-esteem. Is that something you think you would like to look into?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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September
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I just saw your edit. You know, also from what you've talked about in your other thread, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't have the greatest communication skills. And it seems like that is at least part of the problem here. So, it may be helpful to have this conversation with a counselor as a mediator, to help facilitate the conversation and make sure everyone is getting to say their piece. Have you made any headway yet on talking to your partner about getting some counseling?

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Johanna
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Heather
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Don't mean to butt in, but I also feel like there's another important reality for you, your boyfriend, me and everyone else to acknowledge and be real about.

Being in a relationship with someone, even when people are really, really into each other, doesn't have the magic power of making people's attraction to other people just go away. That is not what usually happens.

But that also shouldn't be anything anyone needs to be dishonest about, hide, or need to be afraid of. People can, and usually do, find far more than one person in the world attractive or sexy or interesting to look at. And people who choose to be in sexually or romantically exclusive relationships can feel that way and still have no trouble honoring their agreements to be exclusive with one person and still wanting to honor those agreements. After all, when we make those kinds of agreements, we don't tend to because that one person is the only person we find attractive.

There's clearly a lot more to talk about here, especially since all of this is within the context of a relationship where, like we've discussed before, things like verbal abuse are happening. However, I still think it's important to be real with ourselves and leave room for our partners to, also, you know?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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I know it isn't healthy. my family is very close and we spend alot of time together. I have mainly one best friend and some other "friends" but i don't hang out with her very much unfortunetly. we have been trying to plan on hanging out and stuff but she works alot and it just doesnt work. I used to play volleyball but stopped and i don't really have any hobbies. i mean im working on a quilt thing my grandma bought me for christmas to make. but i don't really do much for me. I used to write poetry but i did that when i was depressed to get emotions out and stuff so i kinda stopped and i started writing a book but never finished it.

i am not big into counseling. I am very shy around strangers and don't talk alot and i don't think i would benefit much from counseling. plus my family doesn't have the money to start counseling.

is heterosexual basically that same thing as being straight then?

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September
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Do you think you would be interested in taking up some of your hobbies again, then? If you like writing, that would be one thing you can easily take up again. While poetry can be an excellent way to deal with depression, it can also help us vent a lot of other emotions, so that might be an excellent tool to work through your insecurity.

You also don't necessarily need a lot of money to get some counseling. For example, if you are still in school, you can start by talking to your school counselor. Low self-esteem and insecurity are pretty common problems, so they should be able to give you some good pointers for getting started with improving your self-esteem.

And, yes: saying someone is straight is a colloquial expression for saying someone is heterosexual.

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Johanna
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Kayy
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Heather,
I know i don't expect me to be the only person my boyfriend is attracted to. i know i can't expect that out of him. I know the reality is im not. I guess its just one of those things that is hard to accept and live with.

I understand what you mean.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Kayy
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yea i could try to start up writing again. It used to really help with me with my depression and i guess i never really tried to tune other emotions into it as well.

i am just not comfortable with the whole "confessing your problems to a stranger" thing. I mean i like this site because i can confess my problems but no one truly knows who i am in person and i won't have to face them face to face after saying what is going on with me.

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Heather
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...and your boyfriend isn't the only one you're attracted to, either, obviously. So, how about you both be honest about that so neither one of you feels you need to be dishonest about that?

Of course, even with that given, you still both get to choose if porn is something you want to watch/read or not, and there's no right or wrong choice there, just what each of you really wants for yourselves.

But I do think that avoiding realities or just trying to make rules to avoid feeling insecure isn't likely to be helpful. To help you with that, what you're likely going to have to do instead is to work on your self-esteem, and also make sure you're in healthy relationships in the first place. Unhealthy relationships all by themselves really knock down self-esteem, which was usually low already if and when we wind up in them.

With counseling, have you considered that perhaps taking baby steps to try talking more to others about what's really going on with you might really improve your life? And that if and when you get help with things so they're not so bad, it probably won't be as scary to tell people about what's going on with you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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September
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You know, plenty of people feel uncomfortable talking to a counselor at first. That's totally okay. Counselors are trained to help you relax and feel more comfortable. They also won't judge you in any way. So, why don't you give it some more thought? You don't have to start right away if you don't feel comfortable with it, but I do think that it would help if you gave it a try.

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Johanna
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Kayy
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I am going to talk to my boyfriend to see if we can start counseling at the church we are going to. i think if we do it together it will give us both a chance to talk and tell eachother what we are feeling and work on other issues we have as a couple.

You guys have been a big help. thanks alot joey and heather.

What other ways do u guys suggest i could work on my self-esteem

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
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September
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Getting counseling together at your church sounds like an excellent idea!

One thing that can help with self-esteem is doing things that you enjoy doing. So, if you used to enjoy playing volleyball, why not join a team and go back to playing? Or take up another sport if you'd like. Trying something new and meeting new people can really help you feel better about yourself.

Spending some time with friends and just plain having fun can also help. You say you haven't hung out with most of your friends in a while, so why don't you just give them a call and arrange to hang out some time?

And, as Heather suggested, opening up to people and being more honest might also be a good start.


You're very welcome! I'm glad to hear that we've been of help to you. [Smile]

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Johanna
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Heather
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In terms of self-esteem, this is one area where a qualified counselor can really help a lot. I don't know what the qualifications are of the counselor at your church, but you should ask regardless. When you do, I'd ask both about what training/education they have around building self-esteem as well as with unhealthy/abusive relationships, since those are both big issues you need help with.

That aside, the core of self-esteem is knowing and understanding that we are all of value and worth as people, not only if we're in a relationship with someone, or only if we're doing something amazing. But even just when we're sitting around alone just being who we are.

When getting to that place is tough, aside of getting qualified help, one of the best ways to start taking steps in that direction is to identify where, when and with what in your life you have moments of NOT feeling insecure, and really feeling comfortable with yourself and of worth. Can you think of things in your life that you can do, places you can be, what have you -- and not things like "when my boyfriend does.....whatever" but when YOU, yourself are doing things -- where and when you find you feel really good about yourself?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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well its because my friends and i have grown apart joey, that we dont hang out anymore. i mean i am still friends with them but not really the type that would like hang out all the time and really have fun together because there fun is drinking and doing stupid things and my kind of fun is not stuff like that. I don't want to join the school volleyball team because they take it too seriously and are focused more on winning than having fun but i know my church is starting up a volleyball league maybe i could look into it.

Heather,
well anytime i am with my boyfriend i feel great and its not that he says or does stuff to make me feel this way i just feel happier and more confident with him. Also when i am with my family like my grandma and cousins we have alot of fun and spend alot of time together that makes me feel great. I used to love writing poetry and when i got a good poem going i felt great but its kind of hard to write when all i used to write is depressing things so its hard to change the subject and write about something else. like i said i could try to start up writing again because i used to really love that. it was kind of like what i did to get away and let go.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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Like I said, for now, let's set aside feeling good about yourself only in relationship to others. That's not unimportant, but we also need to have ways we feel of worth even when there is no one else around.

Writing might be a great place to start for you, for a couple of reasons. For one, you know you enjoy it. But writing is also a great way to get at our own truths and explore our real feelings. So, if you haven't really let yourself write out the hard or the scary stuff, you could really benefit, I think, bu letting yourself do that, rather than trying to write about things you aren't feeling or thinking. Why change the subject? When the subject is you, write about what you really feel.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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the things is though i did write about the hard and scary stuff. i wrote about it so much its hard to write about the stuff that isn't as hard to scary because im not used to it. All i wrote about is how i felt and thought in those hard times. compared to what i used to write about this stuff isnt as bad. Thats why i stopped because when stuff got better and i wasn't having those hard and scary feelings it got harder for me to write about it.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
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Heather
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Can I ask what it was you were having hard and scary feelings about? Whatever those situations were, did they change?

Or was it that you just stopped expressing those feelings, but they are still around?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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well i used to be really depressed. I had suicidle thoughts and i used to cut myself and i was just in a bad place because i felt so out of place everywhere and not wanted. ive been kind of alone alot in my life. My family, like my mom dad and older bother, we used to be really close but when we experienced the death of my younger brother like 10 years ago none of us really dealt with that. we all just kind of drifted away so when i am home everyone is in a seperate room and we just kind of leave eachother alone.

i dont really know when it changed. i guess my friends and some family and just people helped me realize that life wasn't as bad as i was putting it out to be and i just started to get happier and so i mean those feelings still sort of exhist i mean my family still hasn't dealt with the death of my brother but i am not as alone and im not depressed anymore.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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But am I understanding you still often feel pretty bad about yourself and very insecure?

I ask that because it may be that you still need to deal with all of these feelings: that you may have figured out a way to hide those feelings sometimes, or bottle them up, but that's not the same as really working them out.

When you had serious depression and self-injured, did you ever get any kind of professional help then? At the very least, talked to a general doctor?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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no i didn't i just kept it to myself. i never had any professional help. i had a school counselor try to get me to talk about it but i basically closed her off and told her to butt out. this was like '07 or '08 that this mainly happened.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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So, here's my guess: my guess is, you just learned to bottle up or subliminate those feelings, rather than actually dealing with them and working them through. I say that because you have talked a lot here about feeling anything but happy, about having very low self-esteem, and also about choosing to stay in a relationship in which you are being verbally abused.

All of those things suggest you very well may still be depressed, as does the fact that when you do the one thing where you feel able to express yourself, you're feeling you have to cut yourself off of it because when you don't, it's those feelings which come up. Do you know what I mean?

So again, I'd really encourage you to consider some qualified counseling. I know you said you were worried there were financial barriers to that, too, but how about we maybe see if we can't help you find someone you can meet with even just once? First visits to counselors are mostly about you interviewing them and finding out about what they can do for you: you don't have to disclose anything to them that's personal right away. You can always first see if they are someone you might feel comfortable with, find out about what their approaches are, and then build trust over time. That's part of the way therapy works, after all. It's not like you have to go in there and a therapist tries to get you to tell them everything right away.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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ive never questioned if i wanted to stay in my relationship. i don't want to get out of it. my boyfriend isn't constantly verbally abusing me he has only done it a couple times. i mean yea i want him to not do it but it could be alot worse than it is.

the reason i don't write anymore isn't because those feelings come up its because i can't think of what to write and express my feelings because they don't come out as easily when they aren't on the tip of my tongue or when i am not feeling depressed. I wrote to get through my depression and the emotions i was feeling and now that i don't have those feelings its hard for me to write about something else. Its not that i don't want to because old feelings come up thats not it at all its just i cant write like nothing comes out cause the emotions aren't as strong when im not depressed or reallly upset.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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Please know that when we earnestly have positive self-esteem, we won't ever want to stay in relationships where people do things like call us mean names. We might not always feel able to leave, for sure, but we will not usually want to stay. That's just something to know: in other words, if you felt better about yourself, you'd probably feel very differently about some of the things that have been happening in your relationship.

Ultimately, I feel like we're at a bit of an impasse here. It's obviously clear our opinion is that some of the things you have asked about require other kinds of help than the kind we can give. So, we can help you find that, if you want. I could certainly also suggest a couple books you could read that might help you get started on some of this.

But that's all absolutely your choice, so if you don't want that kind of help, we'll drop it. But that also means that we're going to be unable to do much else for you when it comes to some of these issues.

The other thing we can do is help you brainstorm about other things to do to work on your self-esteem. If, for whatever reason, writing used to be something you enjoy but isn't anymore, what new things have you explored doing instead?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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i think i am just going to try writing. i haven't tried recently and maybe itll work. if it doesn't and i need some more help ill ask.

thank you for everything Heather. Your a big help. I will let you know if we start counseling and how everything is going.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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You got it.

Do you feel like you know what to ask a potential counselor to find out if they'll be someone qualified to help you? If not, let me know, and I'm happy to toss you some links and give you some questions to ask when screening for a counselor.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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no not really. i guess i was just planning to go with whoever i got stuck with lol.. id love some links or some questions i could ask

--------------------
"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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