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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » self esteem issues + first possible bf + sex

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Author Topic: self esteem issues + first possible bf + sex
Member # 66515

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I'm hoping that I'm posting this topic in the right section of the forum (apologies if I'm not)!

So I'm going to try to lay things out without rambling to much and just get to the point.

I've been long-time friends with this boy (nearly 8 years) and we've finally come to realize that we're crazy about each other. He's 19 and i'll be 18 in about 2 weeks. He's a had plenty of experience in relationships and sex. I most certainly have not. I just had my first kiss at the beginning of May. We just had a talk about sex and going to continue it later tonight. He's really just the most perfect guy. But this is where the problem begins for me. I know you must be thinking how can there be a problem then? Here's the thing. I'm unsure about sex just because who isn't nervous about it their first time, right? I'm a little self conscious about certain parts of my body (my thighs and butt mostly) too and am nervous about being naked with him. I've been building a lot of confidence recently though. It used to be that I would rarely wear shorts or skirts. And dresses? forget that! I'd go through my entire summer (I live in south carolina btw. it gets H.O.T.!) wearing jeans (and even long sleeves in elementary & middle school). But now things have changed. I've been buying a lot of dresses recently and I love them! I've been focusing more on things that i like about my body and less about things that I don't like. So I'm trying to get over these last few walls. I've also been having some problems with my nerves. He makes me fairly nervous. Not a bad nervous, just an i'm-afraid-to-look-stupid-around-you type of nervous. I've been trying to get over that too. But we've been talking a lot about these things and since he's a very open person he can see how uncomfortable I can sometimes be. And so he wants to wait until I am more comfortable before we start dating. This is something I don't want. I guess I'm just excited because I don't want to wait. I'm trying to build my confidence and push away all the non-sense worries that I have about myself. And lastly I'm trying to figure out what (if we decided to date) he would expect from me. I talked about this with him and all I could get is "you have to tell me first because this is up to you" and I understand what he means by that. He's very non-pressuring and "everything is your choice". I know I should appreciate these things about him, but (1) sometimes I feel like if I don't get a little nudge from him occasionally then I'm not going to get anywhere and (2) I really feel like if I don't know what he would expect from me then I wouldn't know what to do in our relationship.

So...I'm sorry that dragged on for as long as it did. I always try not to ramble and keep things short, but still end up practically typing an essay in the end. But anyways, I'm really just looking for tips, opinions, advise, and if-i-were-in-your-shoes type feedback.

Thank you! (I'm so glad I found this site. It's so helpful!) [Smile]

Posts: 2 | From: South Carolina | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 36725

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Welcome to Scarleteen!

So, I'm anything but shy and not someone that really tends to get nervous very much - so I definitely can't say I've been in your shoes. I can say though, that a lot of being comfortable around people, especially in relationships, tends to come from believing yourself when you say that they're with you because of you. There's something about you that he likes (likely a LOT of somethings about you) so there's really no reason to be worried ... you've already got the tough part out of the way. Now, it's a lot of following what feels right and going with what you think you want and what you both are saying is comfy for you.

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 64437

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It sounds like the two of you are really on the right track with communication and mutual respect. You're talking, you're listening, you're respecting each others' feelings -- even when those feelings are a little vague. This is all great stuff!

My only advice would be to keep going in that vein. If you like the idea of him giving you an occasional nudge, tell him that, and discuss what you imagine those nudges looking like. Talk about what you'd like him to do in taking the initiative, and talk -- both of you -- about how you can best communicate if he initiates something you decide you're not quite comfortable with yet.

One last note, on your second concern -- "if I don't know what he would expect from me then I wouldn't know what to do in our relationship." What each of you should do in the relationship is something for you both to figure out together. It really sounds like he's keeping his expectations open and flexible, and that's a good thing. A really good thing.

Good luck!

Posts: 21 | From: New York | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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