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Author Topic: sigh....guilt...
Aspasia
Neophyte
Member # 63975

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Not sure if this is the best place to post this, but here we go..:

I'm twenty two. I grew up in a super conservative/patriarchal form of Christianity (See: nolongerquivering.com if you wanna know more about how I grew up). I was homeschooled, had no friendships with boys, was expected to court and marry the man that my daddy picked out for me. I wasn't going to kiss or touch a boy until my wedding day. I was going to be pure--not just physically, but also emotionally. I kept myself from having crushes or thinking guys were cute.

Needless to say, I have issues. Issues that haven't been dealt with in the couple of years its been since I left and lost my faith, because well, there were OTHER issues to deal with.

Now. at the beginning of march, I met this wonderful guy who attended at lecture at the institute where I study. We get along great, we can talk about almost anything, we enjoy each other's company. I like him and I know he likes me very much. He knows where I'm coming from, and has told me, that he wants to touch me, hold my hand, etc, but he is scared that if he does, I'll break or melt because of the guilt. (romantic, eh?) Which is great. I love that he understands and respect me and is okay with waiting until I'm ready. I know; this is silly--it's just holding my hand, so little, not a big deal. right? Wrong.

Just spending time with him, knowing that we both like each other, I sometimes go into this place of guilt, where I feel like a horrible person, and he has to try to draw me out, back to the present and remind me that I'm not sinning, emotional purity is a ridiculous concept, that no one is going to judge me.

I feel bad--like, he deserves someone who doesn't bring this ridiculous baggage to the relationship, but he says he is happy to just spend time with me and go slowly: "This is really in some ways your thing--and by that I mean that I enjoy it, and am not really concerned about these things, so you can just do what you're happy/comfortable with, and I'll just enjoy what happens. I'm not really worried or bothered by any of it."

I really, really want to be able to have a good, healthy relationship with this guy. I think he is great. I want to be able--not just to hold his hand, but to kiss him and hug him and these things. But these mental and emotional blocks seem insurmountable. I don't know how to proceed anymore. I'm tired of fighting to not feel like an awful human being for spending time with a great guy. And I want to do more than just spend time with him at some point and the fact that I want that makes me feel even worse and ARGH. I /know/ I have a million reasons not to feel bad. I can tell you why all the things they told me about purity are wrong. But that doesn't make the guiltiness go away. And I want it to...

i don't know if anyone has suggestions for how to proceed. I can't afford counselling or therapy, believe me if I could, I'd make an appointment in a heartbeat. but i'm just so tired of trying to be even half-way close to "normal" and I really don't want to give up on this.

Posts: 3 | From: USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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You mentioned studying... are you in college? If so they should have a counselor available to you for free. The best therapy I ever got was by my school therapist.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aspasia
Neophyte
Member # 63975

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I'm in grad school. We have six free sessions we can have with the school therapist per academic year. I've already used them all, until next fall.
Posts: 3 | From: USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gekko
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Member # 64340

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Hello Aspasia, I don't know if I can be of much help. I grew up in a smiliar situation, you know, waiting till you get married to even look at women, throwing out of your mind any type of lujurious thoughts and all that. I can only tell you that I've achieved to establish a healthy relationship in which we don't have sex, but we have the ocational making out and I dunno, its beautiful to be able to share something like that with a person you love. About the guilt, try looking at Christ in a different way, religion is a very different concept from spirituality, I recomend you read the Bible and do not let any minister or reverend to tell you about it, do it yourself and form your own criteria. That way you'll find out that Christ is a God of love and he does not want to punish you, yes we are all sinners... but that is why he came and did that sacrifice. There are certain congregations that trend to exagerate and make misguided intepretations of what the Bible is trying to tell us. I used to be like that, thinking that even Disney movies were a sin, that is just ridiculous. If you read your Bible, you might be familiar with the ten commandments from the Old Testament, however you said you wer Christian, so you might as well know that Christ came and gave only one commandment which you can read in John 15:12 - 17. So he said, "This I command you, to love one another", so why should we make life more complicated than what it is?, just love people that surround you and never do harm to anyone. I really don now think that Christ wants you to feel like this, full of guilty and shame, I believe he wants you to be happy and sharing love with a guy is perfectly normal. I think God gave us sexuality as the maximum expression of love between a man and a woman, so I think it is a beautiful thing that you ought to share with the person you want to when you feel ready for it. Regarding the holding hands, kissing and hugging, I mus tell you I was 20 years old when I first hold my girl's hand, whenever you feel guilty, just try to remember that Christ wants you to be happy, not punish you. And if you want to engage in any sexual relationship with him, just do it with responsability and with a lot of respect to yourself.

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COGNOSCETIS VERITATEM ET VERITAS LIBERABIT VOS

Posts: 1 | From: Mexico | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aspasia
Neophyte
Member # 63975

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I'm not actually a Christian anymore, thanks though. I just am trying to figure out how to make how I feel about things line up with how I think about things. And I'm not sure how to do that. It's less 'Oh I just need to remember x' and everything will be okay and more how to undo years of training to feel a certain way. I can come up with a million reasons not to feel guilty, but that doesn't make the guilt go away.

I'm also really not sure how long this guy is going to be willing to put up with me and my issues. And it scares me because I have no idea how long this is going to take...Everything he's said or done so far makes me think I don't really need to worry about this. But I can't help it...

Posts: 3 | From: USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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