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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Hitting myself

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Author Topic: Hitting myself
scotthoser1
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Member # 61258

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For years now I have been hitting my head. This only happens when I get extremely angry or upset. There are a lot of issues with my family. We don't get along, and they make me feel like I'm this awful person. I don't know what else to do after a bad arguement. I have nobody. I don't think when I do it. I know it's bad, and I need to stop. I want to stop because I'm really afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I've had a lot of headaches lately that won't go away. A year ago I hit so hard I saw black. I don't know how to stop myself.

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Scottie

Posts: 14 | From: California | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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I'm so sorry you're in such a tough position! Self-injurious behavior is a fairly common response to feeling helpless and powerless, but it is possible to learn coping methods that don't put your health at risk.

I think an important first step would be for you to see a doctor to talk about those headaches. I know that that may be a scary prospect, but it's really better to be safe than sorry.

The next thing I would recommend is getting some therapy. A counselor can teach you some of those healthier coping methods that I mentioned, so that you can learn to channel your anger differently and not put yourself in danger.

Can we also talk about the situation you're in currently? Do you live with the people that are treating you like this? If so, do you have any possible means of leaving? What does your support network look like?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
scotthoser1
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Member # 61258

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I currently do live with the ones making me feel like this: parents and sisters. I'm 21, but am not able to live on my own yet. I'm finishing school (something they've told me I can't do - yay!) and do not have a job yet. Also, I do not have my own car (share with sister - but parents don't have a vehicle so they keep mine. They pay insurance so they think its their car) My mother is very controlling. I can't do hardly anything on my own. I'm treated like a child. I'm afraid to go against what she wants because of making her mad. My support network consists of my boyfriend who doesn't fully understand my situation and my grandmother. She doesn't know about hurting myself. I can't bring myself to tell her. As for counseling, I can't do it. I have brought it up to my mom a few months ago. She didn't say anything then during the next argument a couple days later she threw it in my face. Recently she's been telling me there's something wrong with me and she suggests I go find help to get it fixed. I can't do it with her knowing, but until I get out of here she will know and use it against me. I feel like I'm breaking and can't handle things much longer.

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Scottie

Posts: 14 | From: California | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
scotthoser1
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Member # 61258

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btw, a little bit ago there was a stupid argument (always about little stupid things) caused by my younger sister that got my mother involved. I quit arguing with them. Wanted to start hitting, but I forced myself not to.

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Scottie

Posts: 14 | From: California | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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How many semesters do you have left before you graduate? If you still have quite a way to go, it would probably best if you made an effort to move out sooner than that. I know that moving out on your own can seem pretty daunting, but it is not impossible, and it's definitely preferable to living in a place where you experience so much pressure and anger that you are resorting to hurting yourself.

One way to start would be by looking for a job. Another way would be to start putting your feelers out to see if there's anyone who would share an apartment with you. Finding roommates is a great way to cut back on rent and make moving out more affordable.

Why do you think you cannot get therapy with your mother knowing? If she was serious about her offer, it might be worth it to take her up on it. Alternatively, you can check out the counseling services at your school. There's no reason anyone would have to know about that, you can just say you're sticking around for a study group.

[ 04-13-2011, 03:43 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
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I lived with a verbally/emotionally abusive mother, and while it can seem like it's impossible to move out on your own while still in school, I think you CAN do it. I was 17 when I decided I should improve my situation, that I wanted to be happy in my life and not live with all the drama. When I left home I had no support from my parents, they wouldn't let me have the car they had been letting me have while I lived there. But I found a job, an apartment and roommates, and I took the bus to school and work. It was hard, but it was actually easier than living with my mother. I much prefer to take care of myself than be belittled and insulted all the time! It was the best thing I've ever done for myself.

I also self-injured and I can tell you getting out of the situation that is causing you to feel the way you are is the first step. I also recommend seeing any counselors your school offers, I saw a therapist at mine and it was a great help.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
scotthoser1
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Member # 61258

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I graduate this semester. I need to figure out a way to move out of here. I know it's the best thing for me. My grandmother has told me that previously as well. I'm hoping once I'm gone I can get along with my family. It hurts to see "happy" families in public spending time together. That's what I want more than anything.

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Scottie

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Kachina
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I totally understand how you want a happy family, I still grieve over the fact that I didn't have that... But one thing that really helped me was to create my OWN family. Unfortunately, there is really no way you can change who your blood relatives are. But "family" doesn't have to be your blood relatives. You CAN pick your own family now that you are an adult!

I have a group of friends that I love very much and that are my support system and are my real "family". They are not abusive or mean, they are everything I would want as a family. I have 2 dogs and a cat that I love very much and are always there for me. After many years with my new family, I found I felt much better, and my self esteem improved greatly. It even improved my dating life because I was more confident of myself, and I found a wonderful boyfriend who is also part of my family. (I considered him "family" before we were even dating, when we were just friends.)

Of course I still get sad over the fact that I don't have a "mother" in any way that I ever wanted, and in fact she can never be the kind of mother I would want, she is just not capable. And while the grief might never go away, it DOES get better, I promise. You have to take it one step at a time, and leaving the situation that is not healthy for you is the first step!

I did notice that my relationship with my family DID get better when I left. I was able to set boundries with my mother, if she starts saying mean things, I LEAVE, something I couldn't do when I was living with her. When I am on the phone with her and she starts insulting me or yelling at me, I can hang up the phone. Rather than having to spend a ton of time with my family, I go over for dinner, and it is usually much more peaceful than when I lived there.

[ 04-14-2011, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: KatWA ]

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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