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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Grr, emotions suck.

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Author Topic: Grr, emotions suck.
LifeEnColor
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I'm confused.

My ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me the night before I left for college and he left for the west coast. I denied it for months that anything happened. In those months we still talked on the phone and Skyped. But whenever we did this, he would make me feel bad and I would be a wreck all the time. He would go a week without answering a text. He wouldn't answer questions. All that. (And this was when I was in denial, so I was missing him like crazy) And when he would pay attention to me, he would just want to see my body. I was bedridden with pneumonia for a week, but I still wanted to make the effort to Skype him. I was obviously dying (coughing, feverish, looked like hell) and all he wanted was to see my boobs. When I told him I didn't want to, he guilted me so damn bad I thought I was the bad guy and clearly in the wrong. Now, I've never liked nude pictures, and I've NEVER liked nude Skype. But I loved him, so I did it. And felt terrible every time.

Now I'm with my current boyfriend, whom I love deeply and who loves me back even more. He's attentive and cares more about my personality and wacky antics than how perky my nipples are. He's never even come close to hurting me and has been helping me cope with my sexual assault.

So why do I sometimes miss my ex-boyfriend?? There are days when I can't get him off my mind. Where I wish I could hug him again or hear him laugh. I miss spending time with him and think fondly of good summer memories. And every time I have these feelings, I also feel terrible. I have an amazing boyfriend and yet I'm still missing my abusive ex??? What the hell is wrong with me? While I have thoughts of missing him, I also go into a cold sweat if he contacts me in anyway and have nightmares of the night he raped me and I'm afraid I'll break down in tears sometimes.

And not only all that, but I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on my boyfriend. Even when we're having sex of any kind, I'll sometimes start thinking of my ex and feel sick to my stomach because of it.

I know I should hate him. I want to hate him. And yet I worry about him sometimes. I wonder if he's ok. I hope he's happy. Just now I read a Facebook status of his (because yes, we're friends.) and I'm pretty positive it pertained to him missing me, and then I felt terrible for never texting him.

What is wrong with me?

Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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There's no one way that all people feel about their abusers. Do some hate them? Absolutely. But there's also tons of other ways to feel about them, and the more complicated the relationship was, the more complicated those feelings get.

It's hard to go from loving someone to completely hating them. This guy was your boyfriend, and I'm sure there were reasons you were with him, things that made him someone you considered worth your while. And that means that, yes, you will have happy memories of him, and you will sometimes miss the person he was before he became your abuser.

That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. It just means that life, and our emotions, are often messy and complicated.

Have you been able to bring this up with your counselor at all?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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LifeEnColor
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I stopped seeing my counselor because I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I know that sucks and I'd be better off with talking to her, but whenever the subject would come up my throat would get tight and I'd try to switch the topic to something else.
Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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You know, when verbal communication gets tough in therapy, as it can from time to time, it can be helpful to just start by communicating a different way, like by writing down what you want to say/disclose and starting by just sharing it that way.

Have you looked into starting back up with that counselor or another yet?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LifeEnColor
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I haven't looked in to continue seeing her. Its not just the verbal stuff. I'm ashamed to talk about what happened. I see her face when I tell her even the smallest detail and I instantly feel bad for making her feel pity for me. I don't want pity and I don't want her to know the things that happened to me. I'm just really stuck and confused.
Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Have you had any conversations at all with your therapist about the fact that you feel uncomfortable, and why? It is very, very common for abuse survivors to be uncomfortable talking about their abuse, and a good therapist will be able to help you feel more at ease.

It may also be that the therapist you have been seeing is not a very good fit for you. Therapy is a pretty personal thing, and to be able to open up we need to find a person that we click with. So, if you just did not get along with that first therapist, you might want to look into finding someone else.

But I do urge you to continue therapy, one way or another, as it sounds like you could still greatly benefit from it.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LifeEnColor
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I'm at college right now and we only have one therapist at the school. I'd only be able to see another therapist over the summer, but I don't want my mother to know about it, so it'd be very difficult sneaking around and making excuses.
Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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If the only real barrier to you getting the help you need is your mother finding out, can you talk a little about why you feel it's important she doesn't know about you getting therapy? (Or being assaulted, if that's what you mean?)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LifeEnColor
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I could never let my mother know I was assaulted. It happened in her house, first of all, and she didn't even know I was having sex of any kind. When she found out I wasn't a virgin, she was shocked and angry. She called me a slut and was in a bad mood for two weeks. I grew up to listening to her tell me how all men were slime and violent. That they would have sex with me and leave me before I could blink. And that I was in fear of being raped every time I walked out the door. If she found out I was assaulted in her own home...I really, really, REALLY, don't want to think about it. Ever. Its not a question.

As for the therapy, she'd be mad at me. She'd want to know whY I needed it again and when I'd try to evade her questions, she'd assume it was about her and she'll get rude and spiteful and make biting comments whenever she can.

I'm really just stuck.

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Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear that all of that has been part of your life experience. That sounds terribly scary and very traumatic.

It also sounds like...well, it sounds like your relationship with your mother isn't very good, and like you don't (validly, I'd say) feel safe with her.

If that's true, and if she presents barriers to you taking care of yourself, can I ask if you've considered not living at home over the summer or going back home to live, period?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LifeEnColor
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I've thought about it, but not seriously. She'd take it as a huge personal insult. Best case scenario is she would stop talking with me and would fall into an alcoholic coma. The worst is that she'd stop paying for my college tuition. My dad doesn't have the means to pay for me and he's been distant since he moved in with my new step-mom. My sister just got her own apartment and has thrown the doors wide open for me to live with her this summer, but then I'd bring my mom's passive aggressive wrath down on both our heads, and I'm not willing to do that. I think all I can do now is stick it out and work as much as I can and save as much as I can to get out of the house right after I get my degree.

I know its a pretty bad situation, but if I could survive 18 years living under the same roof as her 24/7, I hope I can make it through the next four years only being there on holidays.

I'm still just concerned about my rollarcoaster feelings. Its even worse now because I'm technically on my period, so I've been prone to violent moodswings the past couple of days. I was on the verge of tears last night because of how upset I was over my ex, and even though I know its probably just because my hormones are evil, I hate writing off my feelings like that.

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Heather
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You know, there are at least a few of us who have left abusive/dysfunctional homes here if you do ever want to talk about that. I think it's safe to say that all of us probably made some sacrifices to do that, but found that they were worth it.

If nothing else. how about just planning lots of visits to your sister? What about making a plan to spend each weekend there, for instance? That way you could get some peace once a week, and maybe also find a therapist you could see while you're there.

I'm concerned about you and your feelings, too. Very. That's why I think it's really important that you figure out some way to get some help with them as soon as you can. Clearly, your circumstances are tricky, but I don't think they're impossible.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LifeEnColor
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I plan on spending as much time out of my house as possible. I'll be working two jobs part time, I'm going to try to get babysitting jobs too, visiting my sister, visiting my aunt, going to my boyfriend's house...I'm going to really be trying to keep the distance between us. I'll try to make an appointment with the counselor here within the next week and try talking about this again. I still don't know what I'll do when I'm home next month, but I'll think more about that when it comes.
Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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