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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » The "Mythological" Female Orgasm and Me

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Author Topic: The "Mythological" Female Orgasm and Me
AphroditeWannabe
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First of all, I would like to mention my incredibly inane jealousy toward the male sex for the fact that (according to popular polls) 90% of them are able to achieve orgasm EVERY SINGLE TIME they engage in sexual intercourse. Which bring me to WHY exactly I feel jealous toward that: I have never been able to have an orgasm with a partner. I have little/no difficulty achieving it myself, via fingers or toys. I should note that I have had more sexual partners than I am proud to admit, but also that I have had a few that I have felt I could trust both in and outside of the bedroom. Although I do have some pretty big trust issues. I also feel that I am very comfortable with my body so it is also not a matter of getting caught up in how I look. I have tried various things with partners and they have tried many, many things with me, but nothing seems to work. I am not going to list all of the things that I have tried, but I will say that I feel I have tried everything that would be within my comfort zone (which, though larger than the average person, refuses to go to extremes) and even things that were on the borderline. I would like to express how extremely, extremely frustrating this is both for me and my current partner because they feel as if they are doing something wrong and I can never exactly tell them they are doing something extremely "right". I feel like I hardly ever even get CLOSE to achieving that ultimate pleasure with another person and I gotta say I'm pretty impatient to do so. I would say that the most frustrating thing is that I know that I have the ABILITY to, my body just doesn't seem to like cooperating when it's with someone else. Typically after sexual activities, I either just push down the urge and ignore my own desire to orgasm after I have brought my partner off or get myself off right before or right after we engage in actual sex. Any ideas about things I could try? Also how can I increase trust so it extends to the bedroom? [Confused]

[ 01-14-2011, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: AphroditeWannabe ]

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Art n Life

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September
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I'd like to start with a few questions, to help me get a better idea of what's going on.

When you are talking about partnered sex, are you referring to intercourse only, or also other kinds of sex? Have you been able to achieve orgasm with a partner via oral or manual stimulation?

You say that you have trust issues. What kind of relationships have you had with these people you've had sex with? Did you feel comfortable with them? Did you feel like they were trust-worthy, or was your lack of trust caused by their actions?

And is the sex always, or often, solely about achieving orgasm?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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AphroditeWannabe
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First of all, thank you for your quick reply.
Now, onto your questions. Any partnered sex. Unfortunately no to the second question, though for the majority of the people I have been with, oral at least has not been something they did frequently with previous partners.
My lack of trust has had little or nothing to do with my partners. I have felt several of them were trust-worthy, it is more simply a personal barrier for me. There have been a few that I have been incredibly open with, though, both with matters in and out of the bedroom. However, I have still felt a sort of block in a way as far as trust goes. I am not sure this is the sole reason I have been unable to achieve orgasm, but I must admit that I think it must be at least a primary one.
No, I do not believe sex is about orgasm every time, however being unable to achieve it with someone else ANY time is frustrating for both me and them.

PS- Ayn Rand is a wonderful author.

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Art n Life

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Heather
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It's pretty hard to feel really free to be as vulnerable as orgasm can make us feel, and to really emotionally let go in the way orgasm tends to often require, if we don't feel we can trust ourselves or our partners.

However, I want to make sure I'm not missing something here: aren't you saying you ARE reaching orgasm with partners, just that you're getting there (in part anyway, no doubt everything else you've done together is also part) by masturbating as part of your sex with them?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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September
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Okay, let's see where this takes us.

Can you think of any reason why you have such a hard time trusting people? Do you also find it difficult to trust friends and build friendships, or is this exclusive to your romantic/sexual relationships?

If this is only about sex partners, have you considered that you may just not be in a good place right now, emotionally, to be having sex?

Along those same lines, I am wondering how you have felt about your partners. Did you feel strongly sexually attracted to them? Did you absolutely, completely want to be having sex with them?

So from what you've said so far, I'm seeing two possible explanations for why you find it so difficult to achieve orgasm. The first one is that you don't feel able to trust your partner and completely relax. That's a biggie: orgasm is mostly a brain-thing, and if you're not able to feel completely comfortable with the partner you are with, and just let go, orgasm is not going to be very likely.

Another factor is that, at least by this point, it seems like you're putting considerable pressure on yourself to orgasm. If you go into sexual activity with that as the goal, and if you're preoccupied throughout with getting there, then that's also going to stop you from being able to fully relax.

(ETA: Heather brings up an important point that I seem to have missed. If she has it right and you DO orgasm with partner sex, just with a bit of help, as it were, that's something to talk about as well.]

[ 01-15-2011, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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AphroditeWannabe
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I suppose that that could be one way to look at it that I am able to orgasm after/before, but to me that is not a partner thing, it is done in full by me and that is even becoming rarer and rarer because I feel almost as if I am rubbing it in their face that they were not able to bring me that pleasure themselves. Does that make sense?
And yes, I am currently in an exclusive sexual relationship with one person and I like them very much.
As for why I have a hard time trusting people (and yes this does extend to friends), I suppose many people say adoption can sometimes lead to trust and abandonment issues. I do not really think that is an extreme factor, though. I had a rather traumatic experience with 5 cruel men, the one who brought me to hang out with the rest of them I considered a new friend who I had known for a fair amount of time. I am extremely uncomfortable sharing the details of what happened that night and following morning. I feel lucky to be alive and disease-free is all I can say. After I finally worked up the courage to tell my "best friend" about it, she told me it would not have happened if I were a Christian and believed in God. Suffice it to say, it has done a fair blow as far as to the degree with which I am willing to trust people, especially mentally surprisingly not so much physically, though I suppose that mental block almost physically blocks me as well. Honestly there have been a select few people in my life after that occurred that i honestly wanted to share my body with and enjoy the act of sex. It just really has not been very enjoyable. Strangely, I do not suffer from flashbacks while engaging in sexual activities, but at random times though I have had PTSD since what happened. I really do not know what to do or what I can do. And yes, if your next question is if I am seeking mental health services I have been currently seeing a wonderful psychologist every other or once a week for the past two and a half years. It is just really hard to get everything in in that short hour period. I really really do not know what to do because I know this goes beyond a physical problem and extends more into my psyche. This might not be this site's forte, though so... If you have no suggestions considering the situational factors then I completely understand. And while I agree that you have a valid point on me perhaps "not being emotionally ready for sex"... I do not know how to articulate this, but, for me, it is a way for me to connect to people that I want to be connected to. It is... complicated to explain. Really hard. I might write more later when I find the words. Until then, I hope to hear from either of you with feedback. Thank you so very much! I hope mentioning anything that I did is not considered too "explicit" or something. I tried to keep it as vague as possible and still have the meaning behind it fairly clear. Anyway... Thanks again guys. All I can say is that I am in an extremely convoluted situation right now and have been for a very long time and i am getting tired of everything that goes along with all of this.

[ 01-19-2011, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: AphroditeWannabe ]

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Art n Life

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September
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To start with, and as a general suggestion, I'd propose that you re-think sex. There's a whole lot of who is doing what to/for whom going on in your posts, when it might help to think of sex as more of a collaborative project.

Just because your hand is involved in getting you off doesn't mean that you're doing it all and your partner is sitting by and watching. He is still there, you know? You're feeling in the mood because of what you've been doing together, he's part of creating that moment and he's with you in it now. Too, he doesn't have to just sit and watch: he can get involved, you can show him how to help.

Sex isn't something that someone else does for you. It's something that's done together.


On to the rest of your post: I am so, so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Sexual assault is definitely something that we talk about here, so if that's something you want to discuss with us further, we'd be happy to.

Knowing this, though, I do feel even more strongly that now may simply not the right time for you to be engaging in partner sex. You say yourself that you don't feel like you've worked through it all yet, and that this is the reason you do not fully trust partners. And sex with someone you do not fully trust isn't terribly likely to be all that spectacular. So my suggestion would be that you take a break from sexual activity for a while, and focus more on healing.

As for the short sessions, have you brought up with your psychologist that you feel you don't have enough time? Could you maybe see them a little more often? Such as twice a week instead of once every other week? For my own experience with therapy I know that it can sometimes take a while at the beginning of a session to become comfortable opening up, and then a while again after the session to collect yourself again, so with that time subtracted, one hour every other week really isn't all that much.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Timmie
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This thread describes my new girlfriend very well except for the trust and other issues of the original poster. No disrespect meant.

So, I am 49 and she is 47 and still has her period. We are very open talking about sex. She has no problem making me happy. She can make herself achieve orgasm, but I appear helpless in doing so, myself, for the first time in my life. I love to perform oral on her, but that has not worked to a climax so far. She really enjoys oral, as I do enjoy giving. I have had a lot of experience and do understand what I must do to achieve orgasm with just about every other partner I've ever had. She says the only way she can climax is to lie on her tummy and use her fingers or vibrator. A lot of times when we're together, even she is unable to reach climax herself. I've never been with a partner that has ever had such difficulty. I've tried using my fingers, but can seem to make it work for her. We've tried various positions performing intercourse and rubbing the spot with my fingers, but that doesn't work either. It has never failed me before.

We are still quite new, but I feel inadequate at this point. I know she loves me, as do I her. She seems willing to want to experiment, so I would like some advice on what to do or what to ask from her. She is OK with me using toys and she really wants me to be a part of it. So please, what do you suggest I do to get her off her stomach and have an orgasm?

I love her very much and I'm concerned this could be a problem if I don't find a way. Besides, what man in love doesn't want to make his partner happy in every way?

[ 05-01-2011, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Timmie ]

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To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~Don Schrader

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Heather
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Does your partner feel like she's been with you long enough to feel comfortable reaching orgasm? Some people need more time to be okay with that level of vulnerability and lack of control with a partner, or take longer to get there in some relationships.

As well, has your dynamic with this by any chance inadvertently resulted in her feeling any pressure to reach orgasm with you? Often, when a partner reallyreallyreally seems to need us to reach orgasm because of what they want (emotionally), it can be way harder to get there because their need kind of takes up all the air in the room.

If you don't know the answers to those two things, I'd say those are two places to get started talking about this so you can figure out what the sitch is.

Lastly, have you tried what she's said works for her to start with, in the position she prefers with the vibrator?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Timmie
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I am totally aware that putting pressure on her to have an orgasm is not a good thing. I have been careful, but this seems much deeper.

I honestly believe she feels very comfortable with me. She loves sex and will often initiate.

No to the last question. I have not tried with a vibrator yet. She is certainly OK with it, so I guess that's next.

Thanks for your quick reply. I'm also on an island near Seattle, but in Canada. LOL

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To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~Don Schrader

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Heather
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She's told you how to start where she's at, and invited you to do that with her. That to me is not only a clear invitation and direction to what she wants and feels comfortable with, it's also her telling you what's likely the best way to start exploring sex together for her.

So by all means, I'd start with that. Is that something you don't feel comfortable with, or is it something you're okay with?

And I like your island, too. Mine's just a good deal smaller. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Timmie
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I feel very comfortable with her. I am madly in love with her. It couldn't be better. We had sex last night and she did achieve an orgasm with me stimulating her clit, but she still seemed a bit frustrated that she was unable to have multiple. She has told me that once she reaches her first orgasm, she can usually have several. So yes, we made some progress.

The only way she is able to climax is lying on her tummy with clitoral stimulation. This is what she has told me. What she would like me to do is to enter her doggie style, while I reach my hand around and stimulate her clit, but unfortunately, I am not tall enough and can seem to reach. Doggie style is tough enough when she's tall and I'm short, but certainly not impossible. It's just that my arm and hand do not reach her clit from that position. Other positions where I can do not appeal to her, as she need to be on here tummy for that final moment of climax.

Last night was wonderful, nonetheless. I do feel that she loves me as much as I do her. I am hopeful it will get better in time. I honestly believe now that she just needs to be more relaxed. She is very open to all discussions around sex. We both agree that longer sessions of foreplay maybe helpful.

I might add that her last boyfriend played quite rough. She says she likes that, but I am not a rough or dominate type. I am open to learning, but this is so different for me. I do consider myself a considerate lover. We are both on the same page as far as frequency goes. She loves to initiate sex as do I. We seem to be very compatible otherwise. Again, being short, I am not able to just pick her up and play as rough as someone 6'2" 225 lbs. He was able to do what I am unable to achieve, doggie with long arms. Don't get me wrong, she loves me for who I am and is more than willing to work with what I have. I believe it is going to be a learning experience for both of us. The truth is I can't help but feel somewhat inadequate.

As far as the vibrator goes, she's told me that it only gets her to a point, but an orgasm still requires finger stimulation in the end, while on her stomach. She is open to trying other methods, but isn't overly optimistic that they'll work. We have a long way to go, if you ask me. I do love her so much I am willing to try just about anything.

In your first reply, you mentioned about her being pressured into having an orgasm. I have been very careful about that. I feel that she puts the pressure on herself. I am not finger pointing; it just feels that way. Do you have any advise in that regard?

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To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~Don Schrader

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Heather
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Some of what you're asking for is for some technique information that we really can't/don't provide here because we primarily serve young people, including minors.

But what I can do is ping you to some books I think may be useful to you (and her): would that work for you?

But I also think that some of this is just about flexibility and thinking flexibly. For instance, if she likes to play sexually with domination, that doesn't have to be physical in the way it was with your ex and you're thinking. That's actually even more so an emotional/intellectual dynamic than anything else. Likewise, she wants a certain kind of sex and position that doesn't work with your two bodies. Not only can you just make that clear -- all our bodies have limits, after all, and that's always okay -- you can talk about ways to do that with her that DO work, like using a toy for that, for instance, or a riser (there are some pretty cool props out there that help a lot with making positions work).

I'd also not see doing what works for either of you as being "willing to try just about anything." It sounds clear that this lover is very different than your other lovers have been in the past. That doesn't make her an anomoly, it just means your history has had a lot of similar partners, rather than a more diverse group. She's communicating really well about what works for her: I'm hoping you're doing the same. And in those conversations, chances are you can find plenty of places you can meet in the middle, right?

With any inadvertent pressure to orgasm, I'd just suggest you both talk about how orgasm isn't make-it-break-it when it comes to either of you enjoying yourselves, and how goal-oriented sex is a bummer. If you must have/voice a goal, make it about you two just enjoying yourself, orgasm or not. Enjoyment is something that has way more to do with your intent and how well you "do" sex with someone than orgasm, which is a neurological response that in a lot of ways, is outside people's control, yours and hers. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Timmie
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Thanks again for your help. Things have improved greatly. I know it will keep getting better and better in time. It's very helpful to have places like this to come for advise. Thank you so much!

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To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~Don Schrader

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Heather
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That's great news! [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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